Women who don't want kids

[DeadPumpkins]

Is it just me.. or do women who don't want children constantly go on about how much they don't want children?

Nothing against it at all, each to their own and I'm sure I've read that single, childless women are the happiest people which makes sense 😂 but why do they always feel the need to talk about how much they don't want kids??

I have never ever brought this up unless someone else brings the topic up. I often find women who dont want children only bring it up in response to someone else asking them when they want children. I can guarantee the women who dont want children mention it far less than women who have children who cant stop talking about their little darlings 😴

I get asked SO MUCH why I don’t have kids (upper end of my 30s), and people just don’t take no for an answer.

I remember telling someone I didn’t want them because I grew up in an abusive home and couldn’t afford enough therapy necessary to break the cycle and so was worried I’d abuse my kids in turn.

”Oh that won’t happen,” she said, blithely. “You’ll love them so much, you won’t be able to do that to them.”

I was so tempted to ask why that hadn’t worked for my own parents but anyone who responds like that in the first place is immune to persuasion.

The other annoying one was a friend who kept asking how I could POSSIBLY remain childfree with her gorgeous kid around so much. 🙄

I’ve seen people online talk about being childfree and I think fair play to them. The world caters incessantly to parents, why shouldn’t they try and show that there’s a gap in the market for new things, ideas etc.?

Ooh I think I've annoyed some people 😅

I don't have kids, I haven't decided if I'm going to have kids or not yet, but in my personal experience (key words there, folks) I've noticed that some women who don't want kids will make a big fuss about it without being asked, or go on about how horrid it would be to have children.

Just an observation :)

I don't think they go on about it half as much as women with kids go on about their kids.

And I say this as a woman with kids 🤣 I have to remind myself to shut up sometimes.

One of my daughters doesn't want to have children.

She's not far short of her 40th birthday and has a couple of times mention to me that she sometimes worries that she'll regret not having children. Possibly because her father bangs on about it all the time.

She has a number of friends who are a similar age as she is, several of whom are into their early 40s, none of whom have children.

I've chatted to them on numerous occasions but I've never heard any of them actually say that they don't want children; the subject never seems to come up.

So no, I've never come across women who don't want children constantly going on about it.

Maybe if we weren’t constantly asked/or told BUT WHY? You will miss out on so much and you won’t ever know REAL love blah blah we wouldn’t need to keep telling people or justifying our decisions over and over.

But yeah parents never talk about parenthood or their kids ever🙄…. Surely everyone gets into conversations about their life choices not just us that have no children

In my real life of course I’ve had the conversation with friends/family and we respect each other’s life decisions. I’m very close to my friends and family members kids and have supported them through parenthood.

Also awaiting the mumsnet bingo phrase : ‘I’ve never understood while those who don’t have children use a site called MUMSnet’

Right up until I was 45 my fucking mother would never shut the fuck up about me having children...even though I'd been telling her since I was 6 that I wouldn't be having them. Never changed my mind for a second, and have had two terminations (including one when I was happily married) to make damn sure.

Used to drive me wild that my partner/husband was never asked the fucking question, but I got it every single fucking time we were with friends/family who had bred.

@PeloFondo Apparently my life has no meaning and I won't experience joy and I'm not a "proper grown woman" because I don't have children etc etc etc etc And I can't know what it's like to be really tired or busy

Yep, I've heard all of that. Many many more times than I've ever bought the subject up unprompted (which I could count on less than one hand).

This. The same thing can also be said for women who do want to have children and constantly talk about how it’s their dream and will make their life have meaning etc.

There’s nothing wrong with speaking on either however some people do tend to do on a bit. You also get people who tell you every single bit about their child’s lives when you have absolutely no interest

I don't think I go on about it but feel that I often have to justify my choice as people tell me I'd make such a good mum as I'm so good with children. I think I therefore talk about it more than I'd choose to because of this.

I have never noticed that women who don't want children talk constantly about it
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That's not what you said in your goady OP.

It’s not really funny why people don’t get asked why they want children as often as they are asked why they don’t, as having children is currently still more common than not, and in general conversation, people tend to be more interested in deviations from the norm than they are in conformity. This is not always to be judgemental, but sometimes just because they realise they have encountered something that they hadn’t given much genuine thought before and so are interested in the answers.

It’s also untrue that people do not get asked why they do want children - people can be very free with such questions when they think the person concerned would not make a good parent.

Oh and also lost friends because once they had children they now only want to socialise with people with children
I mean I'm quite happy to go to days out, sit in soft play, whatever but they just presume I've no interest because I don't have any
Can't afford a child so I don't have one

No haven't found that. More other people who keep asking why they don't have children

I’ve got my hard hat on for this, but I do find childfree people have nothing to compare having children to (no, it’s not like having dogs/cats) so they don’t realise a lot of the ‘annoying’ behaviours parents do (having to leave work early sometimes, days off to look after sick children etc) are necessary things that we don’t enjoy doing but have to. My manager (childfree) suggested ‘one of my friends’ take DD when she’s ill 🤯 aside from the fact asking anyone to take a puking, shitting, feverish toddler is a massive ask, they’re all at bloody work or looking after their own kids 😂 they’re not a chihuahua you can’t drop with basically anyone for a few hours.

They also do the whole ‘my taxes go on your kids’ thing. If having kids is such a slog then just be grateful other people are raising your future nurses/hairdressers/solicitors etc and that you will benefit from that in years to come!

This.

There's generally a period of about 15-20 years in most women's lives where they are relentlessly asked by busybodies when they are going to get married and have kids as if they owe this to the world.

If you're less than 100% certain you want children, or you're not in a relationship (or not in a good relationship), or you have fertility issues or you're gay or any reason why you may not have children this gets really fucking old really quickly.

I was always on the fence about whether I wanted children and ended up having DD more or less by accident in my late 30s. I'm very glad I had her but I wouldn't have been bereft if I hadn't had children. For a long time I told people I didn't want children because I didn't know if I did or not and I felt like saying I wanted them would open the door to a slew of intrusive personal questions and unwanted advice.

@SofiaSoFar Well thats what I'm saying now... I'm clarifying.

I have 3 friends who don’t and won’t have kids. Two never really mention it other than a passing comment normally complementing kids or parenting but there is never negative. The other friend does occasionally say something but it wasn’t really her choice not to have children.

Maybe they are used to people asking them about it. When are they going to settle down and have a family or they have friends that natter on constantly about their children?

There is tremendous pressure on women to comply. I reckon it gets old fast.

No the women I know with no kids are too busy having amazing lives and experiences to mention they don’t want kids.

One used to say she wished she had had kids to keep her husband but she was open about it.

If having kids is such a slog then just be grateful other people are raising your future nurses/hairdressers/solicitors etc and that you will benefit from that in years to come!

I always love this absolute certainty that their child will be incredibly beneficial to future society and us.

Stop pretending you are doing it for the good of the world. No one has kids willingly for the society if they didn't want them in a first place

I only mention not wanting kids if someone asks me when I’m having them, which unfortunately happens far too fucking often. Even had the guy in the local shop asking me the other day because the school needs repopulating, apparently.

If you’re regularly encountering these attitudes OP then look at your own behaviour. I imagine you’re either being smug, being nosy, complaining about your kids or all three.

Sit and listen to women that do have kids talk about their lives. Think about how much time they talk about themselves and how much they talk about their kids. It's depressing how much women who have kids talk about their offspring and how little they talk about themselves/anything else.

I'll put my hands up, I talk about my kids loads when I'm around other mums. But I also try to talk about other stuff too. Like my own interests and hobbies. Unfortunately with some people, I get shut down with comments like 'I don't have time/money/any other purpose to my existence since DC came along' 🙄

The only time I 'go on about' not wanting kids is when someone insists my life would be overwhelmingly better with them. They say this through half shut, weary eyes, hair on end, milk stains on their shoulder, surrounded by a million half squeaking battery-powered toys.

I respect everyone's life choices but no, I'm good thanks!

because we are CONSTANTLY asked intrusive questions by other women. Or women who overshare about their own children/family lives in social settings and desperately drip feed so you feel you have to ask or show interest about their DC. I couldn’t care less about other people’s children. No one does this to my husband.

i work in a very woke and inclusive global corporate setting that prides itself in equality so was beyond shocked at how many women (including my senior leaders) who openly and directly asked me about when I’m having children or why I don’t have them as soon as I got married. No one asked my husband at his work.
There are lots of reasons, but I really wish it wasn’t constantly asked so directly at it puts folks on the defensive.