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Original poster

Women who don't want kids

311 replies

DeadPumpkins · 05/11/2022 12:00

Is it just me.. or do women who don't want children constantly go on about how much they don't want children?

Nothing against it at all, each to their own and I'm sure I've read that single, childless women are the happiest people which makes sense 😂 but why do they always feel the need to talk about how much they don't want kids??

OP posts:
WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 19/02/2023 00:24

chaosmaker · 18/02/2023 23:57

I'm constantly amazed that people want to spawn. Why they want to is beyond me. How can anyone look at the world and actively think adding more people is a good thing to do? Plus giving up your own time and life is not attractive at all.

Show quote history

I get what you mean, never had less time in my life, done less for myself, experienced such a profound difference in lifestyle… but for some reason that I just can’t fathom, now that it’s getting much easier with my daughter, who to be fair has always been an easy baby, I really want to go back to the start and have another one!

FrostyFifi · 19/02/2023 16:20

she is mid 30s, owns a home with long term boyfriend and is constantly questioned on when they are having kids

I've been through that. Got married and not long after, bought a house in the burbs, when we were early/mid thirties. There were a LOT of assumptions. The mundane reality was I was sick of the neighbour noise you get in a flat and wanted peace and quiet. Someone actually said to me they didn't understand why I'd bothered marrying when we weren't planning children, and when I tried to explain the reason they made gagging noises.

chaosmaker · 22/02/2023 08:10

dumbstruckdumptruck · 05/11/2022 16:17

OK, OP, I'll bite.

I talk about my choice not to have kids. I do it openly with my friends, both those who have kids and those who don't, and if someone asks me about it, I'm happy to explain my experience.

It wasn't a one-off decision – it's something I keep investigating and questioning myself over, and a sense of self that's evolving over the years. I want to be able to share that part of myself with my friends, and to discuss it with them.

Choosing not to have children – and not being ashamed of it or feeling 'less-than' because of it – is a very, very new phenomenon. Childfree women were considered utterly pitiable not that long ago, and witches burned at the stake before that.

Living in a time where we're able to make this choice thanks to birth control, and to 'own' it fully without shame – it's pretty remarkable, actually, and worth talking about.

What's a shame is not how much I might talk about my choices, but that the expression of my choices is so easily interpreted as a judgment about women who choose to have kids.

I hear from my friends who are mothers that if a woman talks about how they parent, it's often seen as a judgment on how someone else parents. Similarly, if I talk about not wanting kids, it's easily received as a judgment about you wanting or having them.

It's yet another way we're so easily pitted against one another – and it's a shame.

I'm interested in what it's like to want and to have kids. My friends who are mothers are interested in what it's like not to.

The choice to – or not to – become a mother is a f%#ing MASSIVE one that impacts a lot of our adult lives as women. We should^ be talking about it.

Was that OK or did I start 'going on' too much for you, OP?

It's also to be noted that that's a question that's always asked of women celebrities but not of their men counterparts. It's almost obsessive. I've cried when friends have told me they are pregnant as to me it felt they were throwing their life away. Some of us do feel this strongly about it. I don't hate children but love the ability to give them back to their parents when they are annoying. Also we are overpopulated on the planet so there is no need for more people on it really.

SammyScrounge · 23/07/2023 23:36

ChildSalad · 05/11/2022 12:06

I don't find this at all actually. I have childless friends and colleagues and I can't say I've ever noticed them go on about it.

Maybe it's because I don't go on about how fulfilling my children are....? IDK

I have so much respect for women who decide not to have children.

May I ask why you have so much respect for these women?

Essexgirlupnorth · 08/10/2023 18:27

Yep have one friend that doesn't and is very vocal about it on her social media. Even went to a childfree meet up.

Find it is mainly people in their 30s. Probably because they aren't getting asked when they are having kids.

Grazyna80 · 08/10/2023 18:39

My SIL does it. She always talks, to me and other family members, about how glad she is she never had kids . It doesn’t seem sincere.

GreyhpundGirl · 08/10/2023 18:47

About half my friends don't have children- we're in our 40s so a definite choice. They don't go on about it any more than those who do have children harp on about their kid(s)

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 08/10/2023 18:48

Essexgirlupnorth · 08/10/2023 18:27

Yep have one friend that doesn't and is very vocal about it on her social media. Even went to a childfree meet up.

Find it is mainly people in their 30s. Probably because they aren't getting asked when they are having kids.

I found the reverse was true when I was in my 30s. People were constantly asking me, which forced me to bring the topic up when otherwise I wouldn't.

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 08/10/2023 18:50

Why 'even went to a child free meetup', though? It's not a particularly outrageous thing to do.

Lottapianos · 08/10/2023 19:09

'Why 'evenwent to a child free meetup', though? It's not a particularly outrageous thing to do.'

It sounds like a lovely thing to do. Meeting a bunch of strangers but you know you already have something in common, and you are t going to have to listen to stories about anyone's children or grandchildren. I can absolutely see the appeal

chaosmaker · 08/10/2023 19:11

Sounds great to me too although most people don't bang on about their kids to me quite honestly. Unless they are the parents of the ones I work with and that's just essential conversation.

Poppysmom22 · 08/10/2023 20:10

Mainly because everyone with kids never stops telling you how fantastic it is when you have them how there's no love like it and you don't know love until you have a child and all the other clichés they don't tell you about the time little Tarquin smeared shit up the walls and all over the intricate hand carved cot they spent a month's pay on

Poppysmom22 · 08/10/2023 20:12

We live in a natalist society that basically tells you that as a woman of a certain age without a child you are defective in some way

CowboysAndCowgirls · 08/10/2023 20:44

I haven't found this at all in real life but have seen it on mumsnet from a few posters.

One of my best friends chose not to have kids. Other than a few conversations with us when she was trying to decide whether she wanted kids or not, it's never been a thing she mentions. There's so much more to her....obviously! Some people, more so women, have felt the need to question her regarding having no children like it's the default choice and anything else needs to be justified. 🙄 Dickheads.

MovieQueen12 · 08/10/2023 21:24

I am constantly asked if I am broody etc. Hate that word and hate the fact that in this day and age being childless is still a thing. So depressing.

Simonjt · 08/10/2023 21:27

Essexgirlupnorth · 08/10/2023 18:27

Yep have one friend that doesn't and is very vocal about it on her social media. Even went to a childfree meet up.

Find it is mainly people in their 30s. Probably because they aren't getting asked when they are having kids.

Going to a childfree meet up is the same as a parent going to parents and toddlers, posting about your children at all is also being vocal about having children.

hellohellothere · 09/10/2023 07:38

I wouldn't ask a child free friend if or when they wanted children. It's none of my business. I'm not particularly interested either. As I'm sure they aren't about my child or choices. I haven't found this in real life at all. Being vocal about it either way is annoying. There's other things to talk about.

hellohellothere · 09/10/2023 07:41

Poppysmom22 · 08/10/2023 20:10

Mainly because everyone with kids never stops telling you how fantastic it is when you have them how there's no love like it and you don't know love until you have a child and all the other clichés they don't tell you about the time little Tarquin smeared shit up the walls and all over the intricate hand carved cot they spent a month's pay on

I didn't find this the case before I had children. Nor would I bore people with stories about my kids unnecessarily

Poppysmom22 · 09/10/2023 08:08

When I was in my 20's it was all oh you'll change your mind etc it shifted when I was in my mid 30's. I'm now mid 40's and only the completely tone deaf still try to persuade me that in missing out. I've yet to work out what exactly I'm missing out on but they seem convinced that's the case @hellohellothere

hellohellothere · 09/10/2023 18:47

Poppysmom22 · 09/10/2023 08:08

When I was in my 20's it was all oh you'll change your mind etc it shifted when I was in my mid 30's. I'm now mid 40's and only the completely tone deaf still try to persuade me that in missing out. I've yet to work out what exactly I'm missing out on but they seem convinced that's the case @hellohellothere

I think it's cheeky to be still asking you at mid 40s! Some people clearly have poor social skills and no tact.

Maddy70 · 09/10/2023 18:49

Don't be daft. It's never mentioned in my friendship groups unless someone asks then about it

JustTalkToThem · 09/10/2023 18:52

Grazyna80 · 08/10/2023 18:39

My SIL does it. She always talks, to me and other family members, about how glad she is she never had kids . It doesn’t seem sincere.

What would sincere look like to you?

Poppysmom22 · 09/10/2023 18:54

I work in an office full of women who all have kids/grankids except me. Its like conversion therapy when they are all flashing photos of first day of school /first birthday/ dressed as a shepherd/ dancing - all stages of ability/proms/ Scan pics. It's just endless.

ConstitutionHill · 10/10/2023 18:13

DeadPumpkins · 05/11/2022 12:00

Is it just me.. or do women who don't want children constantly go on about how much they don't want children?

Nothing against it at all, each to their own and I'm sure I've read that single, childless women are the happiest people which makes sense 😂 but why do they always feel the need to talk about how much they don't want kids??

It's just you.

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 11/10/2023 12:04

MovieQueen12 · 08/10/2023 21:24

I am constantly asked if I am broody etc. Hate that word and hate the fact that in this day and age being childless is still a thing. So depressing.

My MIL used to drive me mad with predictions that I'd soon be 'getting broody' right up until my mid-40s. Nope.