Women who don't want kids

[DeadPumpkins]

Is it just me.. or do women who don't want children constantly go on about how much they don't want children?

Nothing against it at all, each to their own and I'm sure I've read that single, childless women are the happiest people which makes sense 😂 but why do they always feel the need to talk about how much they don't want kids??

I've never wanted kids but I've never banged on about it. In fact it's seemed as quite shameful to not want them as a woman. But my reasons for not wanting them are:

1 Not wanting to relive my miserable, abusive childhood.

2 Not wanting to end up a depressed, defeated, resentful, abused, unfulfilled domestic drudge, trapped in an unhappy marriage, like my mum was.

3 Having a back injury at age 19 that left me crippled for a year and seeing women in my hospital ward who had chronic back problems from being pregant/having children.

so anyone questioning my decision to not have children can quite frankly f off. But thanks OP, for making us feeling even worse about this than we already do....

But thanks OP, for making us feeling even worse about this than we already do....

Oh please 🙄 she was asking why some childfree women bang on about not wanting kids, in the same way some mums are mummy bores. How is that making you feel bad?

I am childfree, and know a lot of other women who are too. "Banging on about it" has never been a thing in my experience.
However, when someone finds out we are childfree, we get a interrogated as to why we don't want kids.
Why do people with kids/planning on kids interrogate us in such a way?

It's a lot easier when it's blatantly obvious to everyone you meet that you'll never be "mummy material" — the only people I've had (mild) pressure from is my parents, cause everyone else presumably just thinks "no kids… figures"

Because I've had plenty of occasions when pp have asked me why I don't have children and I don't want to have to justify my very personal, and painful reasons for not wanting them! I don't want to feel like there's something wrong or defective about me for not wanting them, ok? It's nobody else's business!

But "childless" implies people without kids are intrinsically missing out - which for those who choose not to have kids, is not going to be how they view themselves.

So both terms have potential to be "inconsiderate" to someone!

I use "childfree" to describe myself because a) for me, not having children definitely makes me feel more free 😀and b) I don't want to inadvertently give the impression I want them but can't have them, as it tends to lead to misplaced sympathy and the "have you thought about adopting" bs that people struggling to conceive receive.

This reminded me of something else, my older sister's boyfriend ( they've been together for over 30 years), recently said that me and her were not ' real women' because neither of us have had children. This is the kind of crap we have to put up with.

In my experience most women without children are normal, mentally healthy people who behave appropriately. There is however definitely a loud and embarrassing contingent (mostly online but increasingly offline too) who make being childless their entire personality, and cannot help spewing a lot of misogynistic bollocks about mothers and children, often using cringey terms that leaked from 2005 Reddit like 'crotch goblins' and 'breeders'.

I had a child relatively late and was adamant I didnt want children for most of my life, starting when I was a child myself. Hated the idea, didn't enjoy the company of children, wasn't remotely interested. Yet I never experienced any of the stuff people talk about on here, no one ever judged me for it or pressured me, I never felt insecure about it and crucially I never resented parents. I never minded if parents wanted to talk about their kids, I never minded parents having to leave work on time or not being able to work late or weekends, never minded that other people made different choices to me and had responsibilities attached to that. I was a bit anxious when my friends started having kids that they would become boring cos I had internalised a bit of the anti-mother nonsense that seems very prevalent these days but quickly learned that people who were interesting and fun before kids were the same afterwards. I don't know why this anti-mother sentiment seems to be so popular now, I think it goes hand in hand with the general rise in 'acceptable' misogyny.

I've never met anyone like that. I don't have kids & if I was given a quid from every person who said 'you'll change your mind when you meet The One' or 'who will look after you in old age' or 'don't you regret not having them' I'd be richer than Jeff Bezos. People naturally can't get their heads around the fact that some women have no maternal instincts or think babies aren't cute. People just naturally think women = babies 💁🏼🙄

Same here.
My sister had kids, and I held one (albeit very awkwardly and I could not wait to hand him back). Cue lots of "see, Xeno does like kids" etc, and people trying to get photos of me.
If a kid talks to me, I literally do not know what to do. I found it more anxiety provoking than an adult talking to me.
I knew I did not want kids when I was still one myself. It even got brought up in a parents evening when I was in school, like it was a concerning thing to be mentioning.

XenoBitch. You are my spirit twin! 😆 exactly this!! People would hand me a baby & I'd be freaking out 😆 I have no maternal instincts whatsoever 😆

I don't go on about but it, but god did people like to go on about how I'd change my mind when I was older, met the right man etc etc.

Thankfully now after cancer treatment, I can just say I'm infertile and they leave me in peace.

It is like being handed a hot potato (and in my eyes, they look like one too).

Having read this thread and considering my own experience as a child free woman, I think you must be doing something to trigger this response?

I would never raise my own status. If asked if I have kids I just say no, I don't offer reasons. I would feel very uncomfortable if pressed on it - the vast majority don't. I wonder if you get this defensive response because of something you are doing or saying.

I've noticed that too, OP. Mostly online, but there's a minority of child-free women who will bang on about how women who do have kids are "slaves to misogyny" or whatever BS they come up with.

These same women who have 3 French bulldogs that they dress up and treat like babies.....

I don't have kids, I haven't decided if I'm going to have kids or not yet, but in my personal experience (key words there, folks) I've noticed that some women who don't want kids will make a big fuss about it without being asked, or go on about how horrid it would be to have children.

In my experience women without children only go on about it in response to women without children going on about how empty their lives were before children and how there's only so many holidays and meals out you can have before they start seeming a bit samey

Never met any like that.

We have so many more things to bang on about. Why would be bang on about something we don't want?

Honestly, I find it disagreeable that books called “Why mummy drinks” become bestsellers, because mums writing about how kids ruin your life and turn you to drink is someone hilarious and witty. But no, it’s the childless and childfree women that are the problem.

Huh?

It's true that most childfree women get questioned constantly, told we are weird, unnatural, don't understand love, immature, irresponsible, not real women

That has never been my experience. Until I had DD at 41 I thought I couldn't have children. I also used to tell people I wasn't bothered, which was true.

I had better friends and acquaintances than you because no-one ever made negative comments about me being child free.

Maybe because you weren’t actually childfree by choice which is what the OP was talking about. Happy for you that you had your DD btw.

Exactly this. Not all, but a lot of people are unable to comprehend the fact somebody has chosen not to have children.

I use childfree, because it strongly implies I feel liberated by my own choices, and I'm happy with my circumstances.

Childless suggests I feel like I'm missing children in my life. I'm not.

Anyone who gets offended by the distinction probably isn't as comfortable with their own choices as they think they are.

I'd also like to think that by stating I am childfree and not being a massive twat about it, I'm making clear that I don't mind you talking about your children if you want to, because I'm not struggling with fertility. I draw the line at talking about toilet issues, but I'll happily chat about funny things your children did, or if you're worried about something that happened at school. Part of being a friend is showing an interest in the things that are important to the other person, even if they're not important to you.

If anyone described themselves as childless, I would be very careful not to mention any of the children in my life (e.g. nephews) unless they brought up kids first. Just because I don't want any, doesn't mean I can't feel compassion for people who have tried to have children and struggled to conceive.

👏👏👏👏👏

In my experience, middle-aged/older white men are the absolute worst for it.

I've felt the rage at many a male colleague expressing his views. Sexism is alive and kicking.

I get annoyed at women telling me I'll change my mind. I feel positively violent towards men saying the same thing. I don't think anyone has the right to tell me how to live, but I especially resent men suggesting I should get pregnant.

A woman giving birth to a child will have her life irreparably changed. You can't say the same for a man. His body won't undergo pregnancy or childbirth, and he won't be tied to the child forever. He can choose to stick around - but he can also choose to walk away. Very few mothers feel able to abandon their children.

A random man gets zero opinion on whether I should have kids. Zero.