Women who don't want kids

[DeadPumpkins]

Is it just me.. or do women who don't want children constantly go on about how much they don't want children?

Nothing against it at all, each to their own and I'm sure I've read that single, childless women are the happiest people which makes sense 😂 but why do they always feel the need to talk about how much they don't want kids??

But as a mum there’s nothing lacking in mine. ‘Childfree’ makes it sound like children are prison guards!

I don't want (and have never wanted) kids and the only time I've ever mentioned it was if it were appropriate to in conversation. Which has been about 5 times in the last 20 years.
It's no one else's business why anyone wants or doesn't want kids, and frankly I don't care to know why you might have wanted them, so I'm not going to tell you that I don't.

Affirmation of the choice fills the void, for a while.

I have spoken with the women friends I have that are childless about many topics, their lack of a child isn’t one of them. If they want to share they can but I would never ask as it’s none of my business. I mention my children but they’re not all that we discuss.

So people should call themselves “childless” because you don’t like that “childfree” makes it sound like they’re not lacking anything?

I don’t really care what anyone calls themselves, but if they’re comfortable with not having kids then I can’t see why ‘childless’ is so offensive?

I don’t really care what anyone calls themselves, but if they’re comfortable with not having kids then I can’t see why ‘childless’ is so offensive?

Childfree is the consensus correct term for childless by choice.

But what if somebody isn’t?

If somebody isn’t then they use “childless”. It’s actually one reason why the distinction is a good thing, as it lets people know whether there’s some pain involved there.

So… if I meet somebody and they say they don’t have children, which one do I use if appropriate? I don’t exactly want to pry.

It's generally up to the people being described to pick the words that best describe them. Childfree isn't (usually) intended as an insult-by-comparison towards parents (though I suppose there are some extremists who might use it that way, who I've only encountered online). It's just an alternative to childless which some people without children prefer, depending on their circumstances, because of the different connotations.

People without children are going to hear the words used to describe them a lot more frequently than those words will be heard by people with children, and the words chosen may well have more personal impact for those without children, so it makes sense to use the words preferred by the people they refer to.

I've not noticed this personally amongst people i know (mixed with children and without.)

Erm, neither. Just don’t pry? If you’re in a position where you have to refer to it, you just say they don’t have children and leave them to define their situation. But honestly you really shouldn’t be enquiring to the level of needing to know which it is!

We don't know what real love is either, don't forget.

It's this.
The pitying looks and "Oh you don't know what love is until you have children" followed by a head tilt.
Patronising and not required

Its always in response to doting mothers going on how cute theirs are

But why shouldn't they within reason? And why does someone else not having or not wanting children make a difference to whether those with children are "allowed" to talk about it? I hear all sorts of people going on about all sorts of things that don't interest me much or that I don't even agree with. Only when it is very extreme and within a workplace or family or community setting that I am in for many hours and not entirely by choice is there any cause to do something about it, IMO.

I do understand about general societal pressure and pushing against it though, totally with that.

But you are not free from kids. You are irreversibly tied to your kids.

So yeah, childfree actually makes sense as a term

"Oh you don't know what love is until you have children" followed by a head tilt.

I've literally never heard someone say that to me personally. And I have grown-up children who don't live with me any more so a lot of people don't know I have any children and could assume that I don't as I don't have them as my screensaver or mention them if not relevant to the task at hand. Whereas when I was younger people would assume I didn't have any (yet). It does sound very annoying and patronising. Perhaps people surrounded by people who do this need to find themselves new friends?

Yeah but ‘free’ implies we’re slaves 😂 I don’t really care but it’s interesting that the ‘considerate language’ only applies to some.

It all sounds needlessly complicated.

It's been mentioned many times on this thread!
I think sometimes it's a defensive thing too.
The 2 friends that have said this to me have also quietly voiced regret and grief for thier old lives. So maybe it goes both ways. They can't give them back, so they must convince themselves and everyone around them that they are blissfully happy.

OK, OP, I'll bite.

I talk about my choice not to have kids. I do it openly with my friends, both those who have kids and those who don't, and if someone asks me about it, I'm happy to explain my experience.

It wasn't a one-off decision – it's something I keep investigating and questioning myself over, and a sense of self that's evolving over the years. I want to be able to share that part of myself with my friends, and to discuss it with them.

Choosing not to have children – and not being ashamed of it or feeling 'less-than' because of it – is a very, very new phenomenon. Childfree women were considered utterly pitiable not that long ago, and witches burned at the stake before that.

Living in a time where we're able to make this choice thanks to birth control, and to 'own' it fully without shame – it's pretty remarkable, actually, and worth talking about.

What's a shame is not how much I might talk about my choices, but that the expression of my choices is so easily interpreted as a judgment about women who choose to have kids.

I hear from my friends who are mothers that if a woman talks about how they parent, it's often seen as a judgment on how someone else parents. Similarly, if I talk about not wanting kids, it's easily received as a judgment about you wanting or having them.

It's yet another way we're so easily pitted against one another – and it's a shame.

I'm interested in what it's like to want and to have kids. My friends who are mothers are interested in what it's like not to.

The choice to – or not to – become a mother is a f%#ing MASSIVE one that impacts a lot of our adult lives as women. We should^ be talking about it.

Was that OK or did I start 'going on' too much for you, OP?

It really doesn’t need to be. Let people choose the word that reflects them, don’t tell them you think their chosen word is a slight on you, and don’t ask people why they don’t have kids. If you genuinely find it that complicated then stay off the topic altogether.

Perhaps, it is just an automatic reaction due to the pressures of society to have children regardless that is only recently starting to lower.

Saying that, I don’t know many people who don’t have children going on about not wanting or having them, but I also don’t talk about my children unless I think it’s necessary, usually to other parents who are apologetic about something their kids have done and reassuring them it’s ok because I have my own and/or been through xyz stage.

I have no children by choice and quietly feel liberated that I can make that choice for myself. The only time I tell people I don't want kids is when they ask, over and over and over because they can't seem to comprehend that I could possibly mean it and that maybe I should seek therapy to explore why I don't want the same things as them. It's bloody infuriating the feeling of interrogation about something that is fuck all to do with anyone. So if you want to stop hearing it, then stop bloody asking and then going on and on and on. 🤷‍♀️

P.s I like children, just to clarify that I'm not a child hating monster.