DH isn't a "natural dad", am I being a cow?

[AllTheOtherNamesWereTaken]

So our DS is 15 months old, I really love my DH and I know he loves me and DS but I really feel that his fathering is falling short.

We're in the middle of yet another argument as every few months I bring up an aspect I think he's lacking in, he gets upset/offended/ thinks IABU then he'll make a little change for the better.

For a bit of background he's never been into babies but really wants a family, I thought it would click into place when we had our own. It took a while for him to bond which I know is normal and fine, but because I love being a mum so much I automatically do pretty much all the baby care stuff (but would never stop him doing any) and I EBF which made it hard in the early days as whenever DS went to him he'd cry to come back for a feed. DH is supportive of me BF but definitely has a lot of feelings of rejection by DS especially as now he's super clingy with me.

From my point of view I want DH to scoop up DS when he can, take the opportunities to spend time with him that he can, do his best to make him laugh often etc. I just want to see him be a natural fun dad like I see in a couple of our family members who are dads. When he has DS and he's upset he'll shh and pat his back like he's a newborn instead of trying to be fun and distracting - I've tried to point out to him when our mums both do this but he hasn't taken it on board or will make a very flat attempt and say it didn't work.

From his point of view he looks after us by bringing in the money, cooking dinner and doing what housework he can. He is amazing at these things, I am a full time mum which I appreciate so much, but DS obviously doesn't understand all this and only understands time and fun with his dad. He thinks newborns are boring and has been waiting for DS to be more of a 'fun' toddler but he's not stepping up anywhere near as much as I'd hope now DS is bigger.

He says lots of dads do nothing helpful with family life and kids, so by comparison he is good (he also thinks he's doing an appropriate amount and to give him time to build it up himself). From my point of view I cannot understand why he's not striving to be like the best examples we know of natural dads.

I'm not asking him to give me relief or time off, I'm just asking to put in more daddy effort. To be fair to him he's been saying for a while he'll take him out for a few hours at the weekends so they can have time together but life's been to busy recently that we haven't had the chance.

A lot of the opportunities I'd like him to take are things like getting up at the weekend in time to have breakfast with us and more play time, but he's tried and stressed from work. I half totally understand and don't expect him to get up all the time as he travels a lot and needs to recoup, and I half think it's a habit I've let him get away with for too long and sometimes he needs to get his ass up with us.

YABU- this is normal dad behaviour and you are lucky he provides for you

YANBU- he should step up his game with DS

This is my life now - my 4 year only wants me to do things with and says he doesn’t like daddy which gets my DH mad. It’s his own fault though. I don’t blame my son at all, his daddy only bothers with him if he needs to, not out of choice.

God everyone's taking this to the extreme - you sound like a concerned mum who's going a bit overboard occasionally - not some kind of controlling monster!

I would try as PP have suggested backing off a bit and letting him find his own way - as it's frustrating when you can 'see' the answer as you spend more time with DS, take yourself out of the room / situation and let him deal with it.

He'll work it out soon enough.

I'd look at having an extended time out of the house to build his confidence.

This is exactly what I am afraid of and trying to fix now before it becomes so embedded in our routine that DH has a very stepped back approach with DS. Though I can see I have been going about it the wrong way and I definitely need to be creating the time for them to both be alone. DH is on board with this so I will get on to this when he's back from his trip.

Lots of you think I am constantly criticising him and I'm honestly not. Though I know the way that threads can swing with extremes. Thank you to those of you who understand I'm just wanting my DH to spend more time with DS so they can have an amazing bond, I can't see that waiting a few years then springing into action will work with a child as it's be said by some he'll just be so used to me and want me.

Also a few of you have basically said I'm terrible and need to leave him to it to work things out, but also mentioned how your DH spends time with baths and bed time routine etc that mine does not. And mentioning not feeling "natural" but faking it till you make- I would give anything for him to give that ago. In my OP when I list what I'd like him to do with DS, it's not that he does things differently now and I'm trying to change them - I'm trying to get him to do any of the play time and interaction whether that be in his own way or mine because right now he barely does.

Also on the full time mum thing- sorry just a turn of phrase I mean stay at home mum bar one short day of work a week. Me working full time wouldn't be a dent of his income, and because he had a well paid stressful job that why he thinks it's ok to love DS from afar.

I keep re-reading this scenario and I can't work out what's wrong with it at all?

The dog presumably needed sorting so your husband did that job. Should he have ignored the dog?

And the whole "I want them to have an amazing relationship" thing just seems like you're trying to control the emotions they feel and how they express them. Nothing wrong with as low-key "hey buddy". It's something I hear parents say to their kids all the time. You seem disappointed that he's not an OTT tactile performatively enthusiastic parent but that's not the only valid way of parenting (and may not even be what a lot of children want).

@FusionChefGeoff thank you for understanding what I'm trying to say! Will definitely start getting their alone time, I thought it would be easier and he'd prefer to have a few mins if playing here and there which is what I've been trying to encourage rather than being in the deep end of having him for chunks of time alone but that approach obviously hasn't worked

You want an Instagram dad, he just wants to be himself and enjoy his son his way

No just go out and leave then to it. It’ll do wonders for his confidence as a dad. Try not to tell him what to do etc or that you’re doing it “for him”. Go out for you and say will be be on at home alone with DS. Don’t let on it’s just a plan for them to be at home together

*will he be ok on his own with DS

I love being a mum so much I automatically do pretty much all the baby care stuff

No one is a "natural" parent, not even you, you learned quicker by taking over which pushed your dh out from day 1.

I was the same, I think most mums are as it is hardwired into us, I had to make a real effort to step back and let dh get on with it without me hovering, instructing or "helping". I was itching to do it myself or tell him what to do, but when everything inside me was telling me to wade in I held back.

The result was dh was a "natural" dad, happy to change nappies, do baths/beds, take ds to park, and even changed his working week to have a day alone with him each week when I returned to work when he was 9 months.

You need to let your dh learn to be a dad himself without you there judging or instructing how you would do it. It will be much harder for him to learn at this stage as your ds will expect you and will let him know it! If you want to fix it you need to start leaving the house at the weekend for several hours and let them get on with it and find their own way.

All of this.

To give you an example, my FIL did very little with my H when he was young, but was a good and reliable provider and encouraged a thirst for knowledge. They have a very good and close relationship as adults- we are all different- I'm sure there are plenty of part time Disney dads that mums on here could name who were also unreliable, cheaters, poor providers etc- let him go at his own pace and as others have said he may come into his own with an over 5 etc

The thing is, you have your DS alone pretty much all day, everyday, so it's only natural that your relationship with DS is different to the one DH has with him. Your DH never gets that chance because he's either out working or has you at home with him.

In the nicest way - he's never going to be able to develop a proper bond with his son if you're always hovering about in the background. They need time together without you there. Let him take DS out for the day - to a farm or the zoo or even just to softplay and lunch for a couple of hours. You need to stay away and let them have that time just father/son.

You get that time during the week, it's only fair to let your DH have it during the weekend too.

OP I agree with those who say you should leave them too it.
However, it is your husbands job to manage his relationship with his child. He is a grown adult and shouldn’t need you to tell him to do stuff with his child. The posters blaming you for your DH not being involved are being unfair. Seriously a grown man needs his wife to leave the house in order to parent his child. If it was a woman we would say she is lazy and she would be judged harshly for not parenting her young child.
I did my absolute best with my Ex to take an active role with my eldest. Sat him down on numerous occasions and said they need to do things together otherwise I would always be the default parent. He never listened. My eldest is very indifferent about his dad now.
I never need to tell my DH to spend time with baby he just does it. Babies and toddlers are hard work but you get out what you put in.

This- he needs some space to find his own way. And would he team up with one of the other dads you mentioned at the park etc sometimes? Might be good to see other dads in action (but definitely definitely do not give any hints you are thinking this- he clearly feels criticised)

What worked for us was to take myself out the equation and give them 1-1 time. He struggled at first but they found their own way

So agree with this and the surprising number of similar posts. Reading this site I get surprised at how controlling many women are within their marriage/relationship, it has to be her way or it's wrong, a father has to 'support' her opinion in all things to do with a baby, ie he is not allowed a different opinion. The simple act of giving birth doesn't make one an expert, it's a learning curve for both parents. If mothers allowed the father some responsibility, even if she disagrees, then he may develop the confidence this poster expects.

I agree it would probably help him to see other dads in action. Being hands-on doesn't come naturally to everyone and seeing different ways others behave can really help learn how to interact with small children. But also it doesn't have to be done in a specific way: giving him baths, reading him books, kicking a ball back and forth. It can be whatever your husband likes (within reason, of course). Does your husband like rock music? They can listen to it together. Does your husband like cycling? He can get a carrier for the bike and pop your son into it for a weekend bike ride. Another good way to build a relationship is to have routines. (of course, if he chooses this approach, he has to stick to it rigorously or else it will really disappoint your son!). His routine could be, every Saturday morning he takes your son out for a donut and 'Kid coffee" (steamed milk). This doesn't have to be a 2-hour trip. It could be a 10 minute walk there and back and as long as it takes to wait in line and then to eat the donut. Start small and build on what works for him.