DH isn't a "natural dad", am I being a cow?

[AllTheOtherNamesWereTaken]

So our DS is 15 months old, I really love my DH and I know he loves me and DS but I really feel that his fathering is falling short.

We're in the middle of yet another argument as every few months I bring up an aspect I think he's lacking in, he gets upset/offended/ thinks IABU then he'll make a little change for the better.

For a bit of background he's never been into babies but really wants a family, I thought it would click into place when we had our own. It took a while for him to bond which I know is normal and fine, but because I love being a mum so much I automatically do pretty much all the baby care stuff (but would never stop him doing any) and I EBF which made it hard in the early days as whenever DS went to him he'd cry to come back for a feed. DH is supportive of me BF but definitely has a lot of feelings of rejection by DS especially as now he's super clingy with me.

From my point of view I want DH to scoop up DS when he can, take the opportunities to spend time with him that he can, do his best to make him laugh often etc. I just want to see him be a natural fun dad like I see in a couple of our family members who are dads. When he has DS and he's upset he'll shh and pat his back like he's a newborn instead of trying to be fun and distracting - I've tried to point out to him when our mums both do this but he hasn't taken it on board or will make a very flat attempt and say it didn't work.

From his point of view he looks after us by bringing in the money, cooking dinner and doing what housework he can. He is amazing at these things, I am a full time mum which I appreciate so much, but DS obviously doesn't understand all this and only understands time and fun with his dad. He thinks newborns are boring and has been waiting for DS to be more of a 'fun' toddler but he's not stepping up anywhere near as much as I'd hope now DS is bigger.

He says lots of dads do nothing helpful with family life and kids, so by comparison he is good (he also thinks he's doing an appropriate amount and to give him time to build it up himself). From my point of view I cannot understand why he's not striving to be like the best examples we know of natural dads.

I'm not asking him to give me relief or time off, I'm just asking to put in more daddy effort. To be fair to him he's been saying for a while he'll take him out for a few hours at the weekends so they can have time together but life's been to busy recently that we haven't had the chance.

A lot of the opportunities I'd like him to take are things like getting up at the weekend in time to have breakfast with us and more play time, but he's tried and stressed from work. I half totally understand and don't expect him to get up all the time as he travels a lot and needs to recoup, and I half think it's a habit I've let him get away with for too long and sometimes he needs to get his ass up with us.

YABU- this is normal dad behaviour and you are lucky he provides for you

YANBU- he should step up his game with DS

I find babies and toddlers incredibly tedious tbh but I didn't think I wasn't a "natural" parent, just that I'd enjoy other stages more, and I have.

In a few years maybe your DH and DS will be gaming together and wondering why you don't spend time with them doing fun things they enjoy...

Do not compare.
He sounds like he does everything to make you happy and give you space to be a mum.
My DH didn't really get "involved" until they were toddlers and to be honest I didn't mind because I loved the baby stage, not so much toddler. 18 mths to 3 is not fun for me but he loved it.
Just wait and don't overthink it.

I think this is spot on.

Personally I don't think he should be gaming in the short window of time he has between work and his child going to bed. You made it sound like you just wanted him to be super dad which was unreasonable but gaming dad is the other end of the scale.

@MilkToastHoney This sort of thing would be amazing. At the moment he will do a bit of playing where he's just sort of there with him. None of the regular bath, getting dressed etc. I'm honestly not wanting him to do it for the break I'm wanting him to do it for their bond.

For those saying to him let him settle the baby how he wants, the problem is the gentle shh and patting only very rarely works.

Don't believe everything you see on TV and trust me, if you let them go they will bond. Fathers and kids have a different relationship than us.
I'm very grateful because my DH does all the sport and cricket coaching. I often wonder if my boys would play cricket if it wasn't for my husband.

I was trying not to make my first post too long! Yeah so basically there are lots of little opportunities for him to get his time with DS and he doesn't take them, I'm wanting him to want all the little moments he can get with him.

To try and word it better he is a great provider, that's amazing but DS knows no different and I want him to have the fun/interaction/dad time that builds the bond and he will remember as he gets bigger and grows up

Imagine if he told you every few months how you were "lacking" as a Mother.

How would that make you feel OP?

Like shit, no?

Sounds like it is time to do some rebalancing of the tasks. Get him to do bath & bed a couple of nights, and you cook dinner, do some study or something etc. Book yourself into a regular gym class or something to leave them to it once a week.

You are quoting and picking up on the posts that agree with you and ignoring all other advice or opinions.
Probably pretty good indication of what you wanted out of this post.
Leave you to it.

Could you cook dinner while DH does the bath?

He probably doesnt take the opportunity because of your attitude and if you let him do the things he wants to do, in the way he wants to do it he will bond with his son.

He will also find out what comforts placate him and which dont and amend himself accordingly.

You sound awful.

He's only 15 months....wait till he's a bit longer and I'm sure it will come naturally...but not if you are criticising him all of the time! He needs time alone with son to bond so he doesn't feel watched by you!

I can’t help but feel sorry for your DH. I think you just need to let him parent in his own way because he sounds tense from all this observation. Maybe stop scrutinising this and wishing he could be a more relaxed and fun dad and maybe he’ll become just that in time.

Your roles are very unbalanced, he is the provider and you are the carer and the result is unbalanced relationships with your child. Ideally you'd mix it up a bit. Back right off and leave him to it at evenings and weekends. Even better if you shared the earning and caring by both working part time.

For those saying to him let him settle the baby how he wants, the problem is the gentle shh and patting only very rarely works.

And how do you know it only rarely works. I'm assuming it's because you tried it, it didn't work and so then you tried something different.

That's what your DH needs to do. Give him time to learn and find his own way and stop criticising him.

You are criticising your DH because he doesn't live up to your fantasy idea of a father, and it's a idea you've come up with from snapshots of other people's lives (and the TV). I doubt anyone could meet those standards tbh. And to say he should be 'striving to be like the best examples we know of natural dads' - why can't you just be yourselves? Why the constant comparison of him to other dads?

Instead of wanting him to help you with the bath (ie you do it and he feels a bit useless then you tell him he’s done it wrong) how bout just get him to do the bath.

It doesn’t really take two pairs of hands to do stuff - it takes two PEOPLE so that one person can be doing other stuff. So if you’re always doing everything I can see why maybe he doesn’t - but you’re right, sitting gaming isn’t great. So get him to do stuff!

This is what I was thinking. Maybe he'd be more "fun" if he didn't have the sole responsibility of providing for three people hanging over his head.

Okay just read one of your later posts where you write that your DH sits and games while you bath the baby. Doing that regularly is nothing to do with not being a natural father; it’s immature and a bit sad, really. I think you’re being kind in your opening post and I can understand your frustration.

Maybe he’s not wrong, maybe he’s just not you …

This is a good way to look at it. Plus - kids change constantly. And some people are brilliant at some stages and not so good at others. My DH is a bloody brilliant father (my DDs would concur), but he’d openly tell you that he didn’t like babies and found that stage very difficult. It’s much harder for men to find their own niche with a baby, especially for your DH when you’re breastfeeding and at home and he’s working hard all week and doesn’t have the same exposure to your son.

Let him find his own feet and his own role. We all need to do that and we can only do our best in our own way. Their bond will grow and develop naturally over time.

What does EBF mean? And can someone please decipher all the abbreviations? I know there is a file somewhere, but it is so hard going to and fro. I am confused: I thought that real mums posted here! Are they combined mother and daughter posts? Is this text speak?

I don’t know OP, I’m sympathetic to your side here. I think if you’re bf, he could take on something like bath time and make it his thing.

I do think it’s much more common than MN will ever admit for men to be pretty shit with babies and get much more involved when they’re old enough to talk and play sports.

I’ve often wondered what it is that makes mums so susceptible to guilt that there is an enormous industry making millions from our desire to be better mums, while dads seem content to skate along never even questioning if they’re adequate, never mind trying to improve. There’s even research to reassure them that their dc’s outcomes are improved just by their presence in the home.

I wouldn’t be happy with his efforts. You both work all day- he should expect to come home and be a parent. Just like you have to continue to be a parent all evening and don’t get to revert to being a single woman crashing on the sofa either.

They still do the stuff though! They don’t just lay in bed on a weekend morning. They don’t make half arsed attempts and then not bother because oh no it hasn’t worked. Their babies wouldn’t survive.