DH isn't a "natural dad", am I being a cow?

[AllTheOtherNamesWereTaken]

So our DS is 15 months old, I really love my DH and I know he loves me and DS but I really feel that his fathering is falling short.

We're in the middle of yet another argument as every few months I bring up an aspect I think he's lacking in, he gets upset/offended/ thinks IABU then he'll make a little change for the better.

For a bit of background he's never been into babies but really wants a family, I thought it would click into place when we had our own. It took a while for him to bond which I know is normal and fine, but because I love being a mum so much I automatically do pretty much all the baby care stuff (but would never stop him doing any) and I EBF which made it hard in the early days as whenever DS went to him he'd cry to come back for a feed. DH is supportive of me BF but definitely has a lot of feelings of rejection by DS especially as now he's super clingy with me.

From my point of view I want DH to scoop up DS when he can, take the opportunities to spend time with him that he can, do his best to make him laugh often etc. I just want to see him be a natural fun dad like I see in a couple of our family members who are dads. When he has DS and he's upset he'll shh and pat his back like he's a newborn instead of trying to be fun and distracting - I've tried to point out to him when our mums both do this but he hasn't taken it on board or will make a very flat attempt and say it didn't work.

From his point of view he looks after us by bringing in the money, cooking dinner and doing what housework he can. He is amazing at these things, I am a full time mum which I appreciate so much, but DS obviously doesn't understand all this and only understands time and fun with his dad. He thinks newborns are boring and has been waiting for DS to be more of a 'fun' toddler but he's not stepping up anywhere near as much as I'd hope now DS is bigger.

He says lots of dads do nothing helpful with family life and kids, so by comparison he is good (he also thinks he's doing an appropriate amount and to give him time to build it up himself). From my point of view I cannot understand why he's not striving to be like the best examples we know of natural dads.

I'm not asking him to give me relief or time off, I'm just asking to put in more daddy effort. To be fair to him he's been saying for a while he'll take him out for a few hours at the weekends so they can have time together but life's been to busy recently that we haven't had the chance.

A lot of the opportunities I'd like him to take are things like getting up at the weekend in time to have breakfast with us and more play time, but he's tried and stressed from work. I half totally understand and don't expect him to get up all the time as he travels a lot and needs to recoup, and I half think it's a habit I've let him get away with for too long and sometimes he needs to get his ass up with us.

YABU- this is normal dad behaviour and you are lucky he provides for you

YANBU- he should step up his game with DS

Sounds like you want ‘insta-dad’ and are judging him because he isn’t fitting your ideal image of fatherhood.

He’s not a mind reader, how’s he supposed to know when he’s getting it right according to your personal subjective standards? I think you need to back off and let him get to know his own child and learn to parent authentically in his own way.

Gaming always pops up in drip feeds.

How much time do you give DH to try settle the baby before you swoop in? Do you give DH long enough to find alternative methods to soothe DC?

I agree OP that he needs more regular interaction with DS to bond.
I also agree that you need to let go of the “ideal Disney dad” image you have in your mind.
I think it’s at a point that you even being there is creating a fear of being judged and if not criticised on the spot, later in an argument. So you need to step back and leave them to it when he’s parenting.

I think part of the issue is there’s no set daddy/son one on one time in the day and that his days are already very full with work, cooking dinner and housework.

I would suggest you chat with him about creating opportunities for example

• you cook dinner a few nights while DH plays or watches DS
• DH does some part of the bedtime routine alone with DS. This could be bath time or song/story time.
• on weekends sounds like DS is a 5am baby up before the birds, so have a snack time when DH gets up so DH can have his breakfast while DS is having a snack.

And your DH doesn’t have to be the fun one, you can if it’s not his personality.

I honestly wouldn't care. Him not doing bath time when I was a baby makes no difference whatsoever to what a great dad he has been throughout my life (during the years I remember)

I’m very similar to your DH as I’m not a natural mother. I’m was not all mushy gushy and giggly while raising my DD. I was a single parent and worked full time. I made sure she was taken care of, got to play with her friends and do sports and a little bit of traveling. When she cried or was upset/not feeling well I would pay her back , I didn’t make a huge production of it. My Dd turned out just fine and is well balanced.

i don’t think there’s one way to raise a kid. So just because you have your way doesn’t mean your DHs way is wrong. It actually prob balances out which is perfect.

OP I have been you!
Let him find his own way. Resist the urge to correct him.

But this is you pushing your own feelings on to your child. You don't get to relive/redo your childhood through your own child, they get their own experiences of life. This also implies that you are actually planning to tell your child that you thought their dad didn't spend enough time with them, which (again) is putting your own feelings first. At no point in your posts do you even consider that your child might be happy with their relationship with their dad. It's all about you.

This whole thing is coming from me wanting DS to have an amazing relationship with him. But it does seem that I'm putting my own baggage into this, I grew up only a few miles from my dad who never actually knew me as a person and all my likes and dislikes etc because he didn't take the opportunity to spend time with me.

The thing that brought all this up yesterday was I went away with DS for a few days. DH was on the drive when we got home and instead of opening the door to say hello to DS he got the dog out of the car and took her round to the garden. When I took DS in DH didn't approach and said "hey buddy" then Kelt fusing and sorting out the dog. We were chatting and I kept waiting for him to come up to DS to say more of a hello and a kiss on the head or something but it didn't happen. DS didn't try to reach out to him (I was holding him as he can't walk and the floor was all wet), which DH took as him not being bothered, but to me if he's not used to a big hello when he sees his dad he's not going to be looking for one and I would absolutely love for him to want a big hug with daddy. I do know it goes up and down with his age and development but hopefully this makes sense as an example of what I'm meaning

I tried to reply to @ChicCroissant with that last post.

Also to the poster who said he sounds like a 5am bsby- I'm talking coming down for breakfast or play 8-8.30 ish from a 7.30-8 wake up. Sometimes we'll hear him get up for the toilet and I get my hopes up he'll join us but he goes back to bed to watch TV or go on his phone. The last couple of times he's texted to see if that's ok because he'a had a lot on, I've said it's fine because I know he's tired and feels mean in the moment to say no get up but told him I wanted to chat about weekends soon. So part of the conversation yesterday I said I would like him to get up and join when he's awake and isn't particularly knackered, I feel like we've got to the point in DSs life that he needs to realise parents need to get up at weekends

Op, I said Yabu in my first answer (and I still think with some of it you are), but gaming and not helping in the evenings isn't on either. Dh and I are gamers (we used to have gaming Sundays to show you how much we played), but since DS came along we literally play maybe once or twice every month or two as we just never get a chance (we would never game while DS is up). So I don't think that's on at all.

He needs to spend time with your DS to find his own parenting style. If he's choosing not to spend time with him and to prioritise other things (including lie-ins, chores), then YANBU. If you're preventing him spending time alone with your DS (for instance, because you think weekends should mostly be 'family time'), then YABU.

You can’t force someone to parent in a way you are describing. It comes down to personality and your critique is much more likely to push him out of parenting than bring him further into the fold.

Bluey’s dad is the archetypal ‘fun dad’ character you describe. Man my kids LOVE that program but it’s a cartoon. Their dad is hard working, reliable, dependable, supportive and interested but no he’s not playing games and organising exciting days out. That’s okay. I fit in the gap and that works well for us as a family.

My advice to you would be to stop the critique and go for the carrot approach. When the days been great then tell him! If he’s having an off day and not stepping up then fill the gap. Make sure any criticism is away from your child’s ears as all parents are wonderful to their children and it won’t be nice to hear you comparing your child’s father to other children’s, particularly if it’s not in a flattering way. .

I've read your updates but I still feel like you're being unreasonable- it's still all about you; and him joining in with you.

Why can't you go out on a Saturday morning and leave them to it for a few hours, for example? Why does he always have to join in what you've decided DS should be doing?

If he feels criticised by you, then he's not going to want to parent in front of you in case he gets it wrong and you complain about it again. You need to give him the time and space to be with your DS alone or they'll never develop a bond.

Yeah I agree with this OP.
Your DH is in the once bitten twice shy state in terms of parenting.
He will get more confident and comfortable if you leave them alone together.
Asking him to be a third wheel that you then later blow up over in a row, is pushing him away from parenting.

You need to establish a regular daily routine that has your DH parenting with you out of the room or house, doing something else so he doesn’t feel like he’s under a microscope.

@AllTheOtherNamesWereTaken

heres an idea

go out on your own this afternoon

get your nails done or meet a pal for cocktails or something

let your son and his dad have some bonding time together without you there

they get bonding time and u get time to yourself - winner !
what’s stopping u?!

I think you are going about things the wrong way. Don't create some.picture in your mind of exactly the type of parent you want him to be because the reality will not match up.

When it's bath time just say on some nights, "Your turn to do Bath tonight" and leave him to get on. When you know he's up in the mornings on the phone just put the baby with him while you have a shower. Don't criticise how he interacts - he just needs to develop his own relationship.

My DH wasn't particularly interested when it came to the baby years, especially DC2 as he automatically saw his role as doing stuff with toddler DC1 while I looked after the baby. Once they became older, he was much better at stuff like playing with them and going to the park than me. DC2 has an especially close relationship with him now that I worried would never develop when she was a baby.

Thanks. What I mean is that everything is written in such a "baby style" with abbreviations. I thought this was maybe some site where woman posted, but their daughters also edited the posts in text speak. Do adults really write like this? If you work in science, you assume EBF is something meaningful and technical. Surely adults only abbreviate technical terms? Am I really talking to grown women here? I'll admit I left the UK for quite some time.

It's a forum that relies on text chat so of course people use abbreviations. EBF is a term used by the WHO! (Sorry, World Health Organisation).

Acronyms are used everyday in all sorts of adult settings. They have also been used in internet discussions for many many years. Very bizarre that you think they are ‘baby talk’ or not used by real mums.

At work for example, I am not going to write ‘Risk assessment and Methods statements’ 30 times a day. It’s RAMS, which is the accepted acronym. All the adults in my industry would know that.

As above, EBF is also used by the WHO. The people who work there are adults.

You not knowing them doesn’t mean they must be used by only children and teenagers. It just means you don’t know them.

Babies are boring. I wasn’t into them at all. Not even my own, and I’m a mother. I was waiting for the day my kid became interesting and it finally happened around 2.

I can’t bear the trite abbreviations on here, such as DS, DH, DDog, etc. Even worse is STBXDH. Soon-to-be ex dear husband? Ugh. Why put ‘dear’ on the front? I find it pathetic and won’t parktake.

Sorry to be a pedant but an acronym is initials which are then pronounced as a word. WHO, would qualify. LASER is another. EBF is not an acronym and is actually an initialism, as it’s not pronounced as a word.

Hang on are you going around calling the W.H.O the ‘Who’?

And if so does anyone ever think you mean the band

I don’t work in the sector but I’ve heard them called WHO by pollytishuns.

They really need to spend more time together without you. It sounds like in your efforts to mold him into who you want him to be as a father you are trying to micromanage their relationship and the criticism just pushes him away. They need to be able to bond on their own terms. They don't really know each other right now. Have your DH start taking him to the park a couple times a week. You need to also stop stepping in. When they are together, leave them alone. And start pointing out positives instead of being critical. You have created this dynamic and you will both need to change if you want the dynamic to change. I would sit down with your husband, own your part in this, and talk about how together can you support him in building a bond with your son. Do not point out anything you feel he does wrong.