DH isn't a "natural dad", am I being a cow?

[AllTheOtherNamesWereTaken]

So our DS is 15 months old, I really love my DH and I know he loves me and DS but I really feel that his fathering is falling short.

We're in the middle of yet another argument as every few months I bring up an aspect I think he's lacking in, he gets upset/offended/ thinks IABU then he'll make a little change for the better.

For a bit of background he's never been into babies but really wants a family, I thought it would click into place when we had our own. It took a while for him to bond which I know is normal and fine, but because I love being a mum so much I automatically do pretty much all the baby care stuff (but would never stop him doing any) and I EBF which made it hard in the early days as whenever DS went to him he'd cry to come back for a feed. DH is supportive of me BF but definitely has a lot of feelings of rejection by DS especially as now he's super clingy with me.

From my point of view I want DH to scoop up DS when he can, take the opportunities to spend time with him that he can, do his best to make him laugh often etc. I just want to see him be a natural fun dad like I see in a couple of our family members who are dads. When he has DS and he's upset he'll shh and pat his back like he's a newborn instead of trying to be fun and distracting - I've tried to point out to him when our mums both do this but he hasn't taken it on board or will make a very flat attempt and say it didn't work.

From his point of view he looks after us by bringing in the money, cooking dinner and doing what housework he can. He is amazing at these things, I am a full time mum which I appreciate so much, but DS obviously doesn't understand all this and only understands time and fun with his dad. He thinks newborns are boring and has been waiting for DS to be more of a 'fun' toddler but he's not stepping up anywhere near as much as I'd hope now DS is bigger.

He says lots of dads do nothing helpful with family life and kids, so by comparison he is good (he also thinks he's doing an appropriate amount and to give him time to build it up himself). From my point of view I cannot understand why he's not striving to be like the best examples we know of natural dads.

I'm not asking him to give me relief or time off, I'm just asking to put in more daddy effort. To be fair to him he's been saying for a while he'll take him out for a few hours at the weekends so they can have time together but life's been to busy recently that we haven't had the chance.

A lot of the opportunities I'd like him to take are things like getting up at the weekend in time to have breakfast with us and more play time, but he's tried and stressed from work. I half totally understand and don't expect him to get up all the time as he travels a lot and needs to recoup, and I half think it's a habit I've let him get away with for too long and sometimes he needs to get his ass up with us.

YABU- this is normal dad behaviour and you are lucky he provides for you

YANBU- he should step up his game with DS

Mine did a purely Dad and daughter activity.
Every week, they went swimming. I packed the bags initially to have less pressure on him, but gradually, over time, it became their activity and his responsibility.
This improved his confidence.
Another thing was he would bath, I would dry and dress, then he would do bedtime story and bed.
Find an activity the can be purely theirs. Often a structured activity is good to start with as both are working within rules.

I am surprised at the response from other posters. Yes you are SAHM and yes your DH works. He should still be parenting in evening when he comes home from work. Maybe he isn’t the fun playful dad but he can still read a story, makes sure your child is fed and changed, put him to bed. That is vital for their bond. I haven’t gone back to work yet after maternity leave but my DH parents his child when he comes home from work. We get our chance to relax and unwind after baby goes to bed.
Playing video games isn’t parenting and we wouldn’t let mothers away with being so half arsed.

It may be that he is reluctant to handle the baby because you are watching, finding fault,telling him he's not as good as other Dads, not a 'natural' father. You are going to ruin the relationship between father and son if you are not careful.

This. Because of how ill I was after dc1 was born, my dh did a lot. Without intending to, he undermined my confidence tremendously. I think you run the risk of doing the same thing. He needs one on one time without you looking over his shoulder.

When you see your friends kids with their dads, you're only seeing a snapshot. All the normal day to day life involves other stuff that you don't see...mum snapping at the kids, dad snapping at the kids, mum
and dad snapping at each other, someone burning the dinner, one of the kids crying over something or other, one of the parents spending time on a hobby... it's what makes up life. You're both trying to be good parents and that's the main thing!

You packed the swim bag for him so their was "less pressure" on him 🤣🤣 christ is putting a towel and a costume in a bag that taxing? He bathed but you dressed and dried 🤔 so he lifted them into and out of the bath 🤣. Why do you act like your husband is an incapable toddler, pretty sure he could pack a bag pre children what have I just read?

Not ever getting up with your kid in the morning isn't 'not being a natural dad', it's being fucking lazy.

That being said, I do think you're being a little over critical.

*there

Is he fun type of person? It seems like you're expecting him to have a different personality now he's a father?
He can only be who he is. He should of course, be spending time with his son and being involved, but let him do what's natural to him. Maybe more dull activities activities or getting involved with jobs works better?

You packed the swim bag for him so their was "less pressure" on him 🤣🤣 christ is putting a towel and a costume in a bag that taxing? He bathed but you dressed and dried 🤔 so he lifted them into and out of the bath 🤣. Why do you act like your husband is an incapable toddler, pretty sure he could pack a bag pre children what have I just read?

Glad it’s not just me, I thought exactly the same😂Thank fuck my DH can handle the ‘pressure’ of packing a swim bag😂

I honestly despair at the low standards people have for the parents of their own children.

Ok so not many people on my side of the feelings, I'm sort of relieved to be honest that I can drop it and we don't have an issue rather than him needing to change
But you DO have an issue. It's just not the one you thought it was 🤷‍♀️

It may be that he is reluctant to handle the baby because you are watching, finding fault,telling him he's not as good as other Dads, not a 'natural' father. You are going to ruin the relationship between father and son if you are not careful

Having you breathing down his neck, putting him down whilst elevating yourself to the ultimate authority will not bring the changes you seek. Condescension never does. Relax a little, leave them alone together and lose the fairytale picture of what you want them to be.

This.

I EBF which made it hard in the early days as whenever DS went to him he'd cry to come back for a feed. DH is supportive of me BF but definitely has a lot of feelings of rejection by DS especially as now he's super clingy with me.
i ebf both my children for 6 months. I breastfed continuously for almost four years due to space in my two children. My dh was never anything other than an equal parent. There isnt any housework he cannot do, so not sure what housework your dh cannot do. I find that comment of yours baffling. And when they were babies i breastfed them and he winded and resettled them. Breastfeeding doesnt mean dad does fuck all unless dad is a lazy arse.

Gosh i feel sorry for your DH, sounds like you are constantly watching and being critical. I don’t think anyone is a natural parent, you become a parent and learn as you go. Of course it’s more ‘automatic’ for you as you do it all day. Chill out and let him have some 1:1 time with kid

I agree with others who say you need to stop hovering around and expecting him to perform to your ideal of a perfect family.

He doesn't have to parent the way that you do, or the way you want him to, but he needs time alone with his dc so he can find his own way of bonding and having fun with them. Some parents will have had more experience with children as they grew up, or were modelled great parenting but that doesn't mean everyone should be, or is, 'a natural'. DH is an only child of only children, until he met me (I'm one of 6 with hundreds of relatives) he hadn't really had any experience of children at all, unlike me who had been looking after younger siblings, then nieces and nephews all of my life.

In our house Dh always did bath time whilst i slobbed with a coffee then we all had half an hour reading/playing/chatting on the main bed before tucking them in. He always took them out for a few hours at the weekend, I never went (nor did I supervise or check up on them), occasionally I went to a luxury hotel for the weekend and they stayed home together. As they got older it was cricket (playing) they spent all their time at, it was their thing. And still is. The boys are now early 20s and have a great relationship with DH.

Let them find their own way and stop trying to create a fantasy family.

Poor bloke, how would you feel if the roles were reversed,

He's wrong saying most dads do nothing helpful with their families. That's bullshit.

Maybe he'd have more confidence if you didn't feel the need to bring up his flaws every few months like he's on a workplace performance plan?!

Poor bloke

you sound like a nightmare

Thank you for the comments from those who actually understand what I've been trying to say!

I mentioned the shushing to settle thing because it doesn't work! I'm not criticising his method, it's the lack of effort to find his own way like suggested.

Just to clear up I said I'm a stay at home mum to make it simple but I actually work a short day a week, DH earns literally 3-4x my salary so it totally works for us for him to be the worker and we can afford for me to just do the one day to earn family spending money. We are both I favour of this for our family.

However I'm surprised how many posters think great provider means they don't need to do dad interaction. He's there and loves DS but has a very stepped back hands off approach which I'm personally not ok with even if it changes when DS becomes a boy.

Update - had a proper chat with DH. Of course he feels shit that I'm not happy with his parenting and I obviously know this. (By the way I don't hover and criticise like lots of you think, I periodically have to highlight to him he's not giving him the time). He's very keen for me to ask him to take him out or have him while I go out and we're both going to make sure it happens- so a great way for us to move forwards 👍

You are being very unreasonable!

I am incredibly close to my dad and he's honestly the absolutely best dad anyone could ever wish for. I'm 35 and I can still spend hours every day chatting to him on the phone about anything and everything. He is the first person I would turn to if I ever I had a problem. I have had a great childhood. Yet, when I was a baby/toddler my dad worked abroad and I was with my mum/grandparents the whole time. Guess what, it made zero difference to the amazing relationship we had once I was out of toddler age and I have zero memories of his lack of playing with me on the floor when I was 15 months old.

This.

My boys are older now and their interests align more with DH's now. I'd be pretty fucked off after the end of a hard day of work and looking after my kids to be told what a crap job I'm doing cos I can't swim and don't know how to play fortnite.

Let him be the parent he wants to be. Your DC will have a different relationship with each patent and that is natural and perfectly healthy.

The bath time and then family time you mention is exactly the kind of thing I'd like- you can't hover over something that isn't happening which is exactly what I've been trying to get at.

I have obviously written my post badly as it's being misunderstood by lots of people listing what DH did with their kids and saying I should back off, as this would mean there will remain no regular daddy and son things in our house

So did your husband do very little playing with them until they had common hobbies and clubs etc? He talks about being excited for these things and I believe him and am excited for them to have their activities together, but to me it's so sad for him to be on the sideline while DS is young waiting for this point of DS age

Would it really kill him to read the odd parenting book or actually engage with his child and play with him? Why are so many posters making excuses for this shit parenting and why can’t the OP be passionate and care about him being involved. This is the OPs life and it’s her child, I’d be insisting on him stepping up if I were the OP.

My DH says he feels involved but being in the room gaming while I'm on the floor playing with DS. Do you all think that is fine and him just doing parenting his way?!

No this wouldn’t be fine in my house. Neither me nor DH check out while the kids are awake. Plenty of time for that when the kids are in bed.

This actually makes me feel really encouraged thank you. I know you think I'm being unreasonable but it's been a genuine worry of mine that they don't get much bonding time. If DH was abroad I'd obviously not be trying to ask him for more, would you be upset to hear your dad didn't make much effort had he lived with you when you were a baby/toddler?

I think you are showing a lack of empathy. Fast forward 10 years. DS and DH are out constantly playing a sport that you don't enjoy and aren't particularly good at.
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Imagine how shit you would feel if your DH complained you weren't any good at football.

But surely you’d take a interest, go with them to watch them play, still take shots/get in goal even if you weren’t any good, have a laugh. Take an interest in their team even if it’s not really your thing. Isn’t that just basic normal things parents do for their kids.