DH isn't a "natural dad", am I being a cow?

[AllTheOtherNamesWereTaken]

So our DS is 15 months old, I really love my DH and I know he loves me and DS but I really feel that his fathering is falling short.

We're in the middle of yet another argument as every few months I bring up an aspect I think he's lacking in, he gets upset/offended/ thinks IABU then he'll make a little change for the better.

For a bit of background he's never been into babies but really wants a family, I thought it would click into place when we had our own. It took a while for him to bond which I know is normal and fine, but because I love being a mum so much I automatically do pretty much all the baby care stuff (but would never stop him doing any) and I EBF which made it hard in the early days as whenever DS went to him he'd cry to come back for a feed. DH is supportive of me BF but definitely has a lot of feelings of rejection by DS especially as now he's super clingy with me.

From my point of view I want DH to scoop up DS when he can, take the opportunities to spend time with him that he can, do his best to make him laugh often etc. I just want to see him be a natural fun dad like I see in a couple of our family members who are dads. When he has DS and he's upset he'll shh and pat his back like he's a newborn instead of trying to be fun and distracting - I've tried to point out to him when our mums both do this but he hasn't taken it on board or will make a very flat attempt and say it didn't work.

From his point of view he looks after us by bringing in the money, cooking dinner and doing what housework he can. He is amazing at these things, I am a full time mum which I appreciate so much, but DS obviously doesn't understand all this and only understands time and fun with his dad. He thinks newborns are boring and has been waiting for DS to be more of a 'fun' toddler but he's not stepping up anywhere near as much as I'd hope now DS is bigger.

He says lots of dads do nothing helpful with family life and kids, so by comparison he is good (he also thinks he's doing an appropriate amount and to give him time to build it up himself). From my point of view I cannot understand why he's not striving to be like the best examples we know of natural dads.

I'm not asking him to give me relief or time off, I'm just asking to put in more daddy effort. To be fair to him he's been saying for a while he'll take him out for a few hours at the weekends so they can have time together but life's been to busy recently that we haven't had the chance.

A lot of the opportunities I'd like him to take are things like getting up at the weekend in time to have breakfast with us and more play time, but he's tried and stressed from work. I half totally understand and don't expect him to get up all the time as he travels a lot and needs to recoup, and I half think it's a habit I've let him get away with for too long and sometimes he needs to get his ass up with us.

YABU- this is normal dad behaviour and you are lucky he provides for you

YANBU- he should step up his game with DS

We're in the middle of yet another argument as every few months I bring up an aspect I think he's lacking in,

Why are you even married to him if he’s ‘lacking’ in so many areas you have to bring it up that often. To be honest, you sound awful. It sounds like you’re putting him down all the time and it sounds horrible to live with. He might not be a ‘natural dad’ (whatever that is) in the way you want him to be but he’s caring for his son in his way, so back off and give him space to do that. Is it any surprise he’s reluctant to if you’re telling him he’s not a good enough father all the time?

I’m not a natural mum, I have a mum role I play but it took me a year and a lot of effort to create. No idea what I was doing or how to interact with a baby/toddler.

Is your little one walking etc? Dh has always been a natural I suppose but he loved doing stuff like tummy time and trying to help her walk and crawl or read a book to her. You could suggest some specific activities. Tbh though he sounds like he’s trying he may come into his own. Does he like football or biking? He could teach the toddler to kick or take him out in a trolley on the bike. DH loved doing swimming with DD. Parent toddler classes are good because someone else is directing you.

Your attitude is a recipe for attachment difficulties between dad and his son.

Your DH might find babies harder than children to parent. I think the more you criticise the more you run the risk of preventing him being natural in his own way. Different isn’t wrong. I’d hate it if my DH pointed out how another mother mothered her child better than me - it would really hurt my feelings.

The vast majority, who are given time and space and sympathy to not be perfect. Read any thread on here about new parents being advised not to be too hard on themselves

Totally agree. I'm not a natural or fun mum either, but DP took to fatherhood like a duck to water and is all the things I don't feel I am as a mum.

Not once has he judged me or viewed me negatively for not parenting the way he instinctively does, he knows I bring different qualities to the table. I'd be heartbroken if he was judging me for not being more like him - we're different people with different strengths, after all.

I think you just feel like you want your DH to WANT to engage with ds, feel like he gets joy from your little toddler and WANT to learn all about him. But he doesn't, he wants to do the dinner. I get it, my DH disappointed me too.

yabu
he's working, cooking house work. you are 'full time mum' he doesn't have the luxury of only being a parent. give him a break, of course he won't have bonded as much you don't give time to sit down by the sounds of thing

I’m not a ‘natural’ parent. However I have 3 children and I consider myself a good mother to them.
Honestly I would have found someone observing and commenting on my lack of ‘fun’ and ‘naturalness’ really upsetting. I may not be the fun parent, but I’m kind and firm and sympathetic and loving. Sounds like he’s just not the person you want him to be, but that’s not his fault.

Sounds like you want an ‘instagram’ daddy for
your kid.

he seems to be doing the best he can, it might not be what you have in your mind as the besg dad but he obviously loves his kid and he is trying.

This.

I found the OP incredibly uncomfortable to read, so how awful must it be to live with that level of arrogance and condescension?

There is no one right way to parent, and no one parent who knows it all. Op, why do you automatically assume your way is right, and his is wrong? You've been a parent for barely any time at all - there is no way you're as perfect or "natural" as you seem to expect DH to be, because noone is, and I'm certain that every other parent could find things to pick fault with in YOUR parenting too, and vice versa.

Parenting is a series of stages. 15 months is very young still. You may find you're persona non grata in the future, so slow your judgy roll now.

If you weren't there sometimes he might find his own way to connect. Hard if he feels criticised. You're not wrong that your son needs to feel Dad is really interested in him. But that could look very different to what you imagine. Don't expect him to be an entertainer-that's not something to be turned on for many people. Music, stories, paint, play dough, toys he only gets with Dad, activities like bubbles, park, slime or just watching something he loves on YouTube are all good.

You have a lifetime of bitterness and disappointment Tonkin forward to OP

just wait until your son is being a son in the correct manner

Mmm I'm thinking reverse or wind up?
If not, he's almost certainly failing to be natural and spontaneous because you keep criticising him a d wrecking his confidence.
There's plenty of ways to be a parent and over time your dd will appreciate both approaches.
Leave him alone.

Being honest some people find different ages better than others some like baby stage and love the toddler stage .

But lay off him because as you say you are so naturally good at it he probably feels he can do no right

My husband admitted the new baby stage wasn't really his forté. Once he could interact with them and get a response he enjoyed it a lot more. I think he also felt a bit useless when they were babies. I EBF and there wasn't a lot he could do, bar a nappy change.
I would ask your DH for help when you need it, make him feel useful, but don't keep pointing out his shortcomings.

I would relax. It's very easy to have an idealistic view of parenthood. There is no manual and everyone develops a bond in their own way. Don't look to others as a template.

He's working his arse off and doing the housework and you're picking holes in his parenting. Have a word with yourself. You sound like a pain in the hole.

I think basically you are asking him to change his personality. I loved my 24 year old son to bits - but I was never a 'sit on the floor and play' type mum- I liked reading with him or taking him to see stuff or chatting with him - it's just how I am - you know the love languages you hear about in couples? Well many are like this with parenting- I showed love by keeping him well fed, well cared for and always learning- whereas other mums would be busy making clay models , building Lego etc

He sounds a really nice chap who supports your family - but I think you maybe gave slightly unreal expectations- you can't make him become what he isn't

I imagine it is hard for him to be a 'natural' dad when you are judging and critiquing him. There are many ways to parent, and comforting an upset child instead of distracting them out of their upset is a good way to enable the child to develop emotional regulation skills.
Maybe you could try to step back a bit from the image you have in your head of a 'natural' (ie fun) dad and realise nobody has all the right answers as to how to parent and let him find his own groove. And I definitely think you should give them some regular one-on-one time, when you go out, or they go out etc

Ok so not many people on my side of the feelings, I'm sort of relieved to be honest that I can drop it and we don't have an issue rather than him needing to change.

I promise that I actually am not a horrible person and I'm not constantly on DHs back, it's just that now and again something comes up.

To give a couple of examples the last argument was because for a good few months it became routine that I would do bath time alone and he'd watch TV or game, it just became a given habit that he wasn't involved. So I brought it up, we had an argument then he started helping with bath time which was lovely.

I didn't grow up with my dad and tbh yeah I do have an image in my mind if what a dad should be like after seeing my friends dad's and things on TV etc. My DH days he feels involved but being in the room gaming while I'm on the floor playing with DS. Do you all think that is fine and him just doing parenting his way?!

It's hard to write a whole thing that's important to you in a snapshot without making it too long and obviously I got my tone all wrong.

Ps you are all right I do need to give them more alone time. The reason we haven't had chance at weekends yet is because he's been away for lots of them recently or we've had joint plans that haven't left enough time for him to take him out anywhere (thought in these situations we can make the effort for them to go for a quick walk)

Let’s cut to the chase , in answer to your question yes you are.

Sounds like he is doing a lot to help out around the house and making efforts with your child in his own way. You sound overbearing and like you want a social media perfect family life, which frankly does not exist. Your relatives who are dads you say you want him to be more like could be putting on acts for the family or not lift a finger round the house for example, it’s not all perfect for sure! Focus on the good stuff he is doing and lay off him a bit.

It sounds to me as though you have a hard working husband who provides for his family, who does housework when he can and cooks regularly.
You want him to strive to be like other natural dads?
I would perhaps let him, as a grown adult decide how he wishes to play with/soothe his child without being micromanaged.