DH isn't a "natural dad", am I being a cow?

[AllTheOtherNamesWereTaken]

So our DS is 15 months old, I really love my DH and I know he loves me and DS but I really feel that his fathering is falling short.

We're in the middle of yet another argument as every few months I bring up an aspect I think he's lacking in, he gets upset/offended/ thinks IABU then he'll make a little change for the better.

For a bit of background he's never been into babies but really wants a family, I thought it would click into place when we had our own. It took a while for him to bond which I know is normal and fine, but because I love being a mum so much I automatically do pretty much all the baby care stuff (but would never stop him doing any) and I EBF which made it hard in the early days as whenever DS went to him he'd cry to come back for a feed. DH is supportive of me BF but definitely has a lot of feelings of rejection by DS especially as now he's super clingy with me.

From my point of view I want DH to scoop up DS when he can, take the opportunities to spend time with him that he can, do his best to make him laugh often etc. I just want to see him be a natural fun dad like I see in a couple of our family members who are dads. When he has DS and he's upset he'll shh and pat his back like he's a newborn instead of trying to be fun and distracting - I've tried to point out to him when our mums both do this but he hasn't taken it on board or will make a very flat attempt and say it didn't work.

From his point of view he looks after us by bringing in the money, cooking dinner and doing what housework he can. He is amazing at these things, I am a full time mum which I appreciate so much, but DS obviously doesn't understand all this and only understands time and fun with his dad. He thinks newborns are boring and has been waiting for DS to be more of a 'fun' toddler but he's not stepping up anywhere near as much as I'd hope now DS is bigger.

He says lots of dads do nothing helpful with family life and kids, so by comparison he is good (he also thinks he's doing an appropriate amount and to give him time to build it up himself). From my point of view I cannot understand why he's not striving to be like the best examples we know of natural dads.

I'm not asking him to give me relief or time off, I'm just asking to put in more daddy effort. To be fair to him he's been saying for a while he'll take him out for a few hours at the weekends so they can have time together but life's been to busy recently that we haven't had the chance.

A lot of the opportunities I'd like him to take are things like getting up at the weekend in time to have breakfast with us and more play time, but he's tried and stressed from work. I half totally understand and don't expect him to get up all the time as he travels a lot and needs to recoup, and I half think it's a habit I've let him get away with for too long and sometimes he needs to get his ass up with us.

YABU- this is normal dad behaviour and you are lucky he provides for you

YANBU- he should step up his game with DS

"love being a mum so much I automatically do pretty much all the baby care stuff (but would never stop him doing any)"

You wouldn't stop him doing any, but do you make room for him to do anything?
He should be getting up one day of the weekend so you can have a lie in.
I suggest you allow him in more to DS's care. If you are encouraging you might get a better response. Like can he do the bath night?
He might just be afraid of doing it on his own because you are the 'mother' and the one who knows. He might feel like a spare part unless he can see that you trust him to care for DS.

What you say about rejection is also a very real thing. Some men get into relationships because they want a woman who looks after the man's needs and puts her own needs aside. The woman is all about the man and how tired/stressed/ he is. How was your day etc,
When a baby comes along the woman then switches her care 'radar' to the baby.

A lot of the opportunities I'd like him to take are things like getting up at the weekend in time to have breakfast with us and more play time, but he's tried and stressed from work. I half totally understand and don't expect him to get up all the time as he travels a lot and needs to recoup, and I half think it's a habit I've let him get away with for too long and sometimes he needs to get his ass up with us.

I'm not asking him to give me relief or time off, I'm just asking to put in more daddy effort. To be fair to him he's been saying for a while he'll take him out for a few hours at the weekends so they can have time together but life's been to busy recently that we haven't had the chance.

I suspect many of the PP's putting the boot into OP haven't taken this in at all.
He SAYS he's going to make time to take his son out for daddytime ... but refuses to make time to actually do it.
He thinks it is reasonable to never get up in the mornings for his child. He won't even have breakfast with him. His job is no excuse for that, at the weekends.

Although OP - you need to talk about this -
I love being a mum so much I automatically do pretty much all the baby care stuff (but would never stop him doing any) and I EBF which made it hard in the early days as whenever DS went to him he'd cry to come back for a feed. DH is supportive of me BF but definitely has a lot of feelings of rejection by DS especially as now he's super clingy with me.
I imagine this is what you are trying to get over to him, but you both now have an engrained expectation that you are to be primary parent at all times.
Have you explained this to him in terms of how you understand it's harder for him to bond, because of your EBF & enthusiasm for being the baby's only comforter? That you want to be fairer in allowing him to bond with his son, so want to agree times that DH gets to be sole parent, either at home, or out doing fun activities?

I get that he's got a confidence issue now.
But in your OP - more than once - you state how he is simply bored by babies. So this is mainly because he ... just ... doesn't ... want ... to step up as a parent. The confidence, you can both work on. The lack of willingness - you can't change.

I would ask him if he is contemplating any bonding with his child before he becomes a teenager. Because he's already said he'll step up when DS is at the more interesting toddler stage - but still hasn't.

I think you need to sort out a schedule that works for all of you at the weekend. Here DS is up at 6.30. DP is not a morning person, so I get up with DS and call DP after at least 30 minutes and by up to as much as I fancy based on what their week has been like / how easy DS is being.

Then, and this is crucial to the whole arrangement, I leave DS and DP to it while I drink a coffee and do whatever I fancy in a separate room for the same length of time. So we both get a break and both get some solo time with DS in the mornings.

In my case DP is female, and I did find it hard in the earlier days when DS was EBF by her. He just liked her more, which felt pretty shitty and I got pretty upset about it every so often. Sometimes it felt the best thing I could do for the whole family was just to sort out food / keep in top of the laundry / etc. I'm also not particularly playful as a parent, while DP is. However, I pushed through it and found what worked for me and DS together. We did a lot of bike rides together (highly recommend a seat at the front of the bike for chatting), baking, reading. Now that DS is 3 I do think he loves us both equally, but we certainly don't parent the same way and he's fine with that. He tends to come to me if he wants a cuddle with a book, and DP if he wants to be flung in the air!

My DH days he feels involved but being in the room gaming while I'm on the floor playing with DS. Do you all think that is fine and him just doing parenting his way?!
😂😂😂

Er ... that's not parenting.
Swap his games console for a pipe & slippers, & you have ... 1950's Head of the Household. In what way is gaming in the same room as your wife who is looking after your child being a parent?

It all sounds intense and miserable

Both dh and I are def not “natural parents” we are figuring out as we go. It’s really hard.

you admit your dh is very good at earning a salary to keep you going financially and also good with housework. There are many many DHs who are useless at one or both of those so he’s doing pretty well IMO.

rather than criticising him I’d be leaving him to it a bit more at weekends and let him figure out fatherhood for himself.

ps at that age one of us would get up early with ds at the weekends- 5/6 or whenever it was and then let the other lie in until about 8/9. Then the other of us would take over while the first went back to bed. Was exhausting but what worked for quite a few months.

I think there's two things going on here and your OP focused on the wrong one! It sounds like he doesn't seek out enough time with his son and sometimes avoids spending time with him when he could easily do so. On this, you are absolutely not unreasonable. On the other hand, it does also seem as if you feel he isn't the correct sort of father. While lots of fathers joke around and are 'fun' with their kids, maybe this just isn't him. If he feels that you are criticising the way he interacts with his son, then that could be feeding into him not seeking out time with him because he doesn't feel confident. I think you're absolutely right to encourage him to spend more time alone with your child so that he can interact and bond with him the way he wants to and you will see that that isn't necessarily how you imagined it, but that doesn't need to be bad. I hope things improve for you all after your chat, OP - don't let him off the hook on investing time, but cut him some slack on what that looks like.

I feel so so sorry for your husband I imagine you wont have one for much longer if you keep on like that. Being parent is hard enough without you're trying to put in down all the time

I think it’s always difficult when one parent is utterly enamoured and partially defined by their new state as parent, and completely enthralled by the baby, and the other isn’t. The enamoured parent can put intense pressure on the other and push them back yet further.

That said, being a lazy gamer is bullshit and I’m not defending that.

I would try and go out more leaving him alone with DS, he will have to spend more time with him and get more used to parenting. It also gives you more me time for yourself

He sounds pretty good to me! TBH you sound like you are enjoying caring for Babe. Sometimes EBF which is the ideal ,can leave partners a little in the shade .Dont compare him to other Dads ,everyone has their own parenting style .He is working FT and doing cooking and some chores as well.DS is still very young ,I wager that by the time he gets to about 2 and 1/2 or 3 ,dad will be playing with him ,teaching how to kick a football with aplomb .Please dont worry all in good time as they say!

Iv been on the other side. Dh was the sahp and I worked. It's actually intimidating when one parent is really good at being a parent and you don't have a clue. It cut me to the bone that dc always wanted dh when they were small. Dh mum actually stepped in and told dh he needed to let me parent more as he was always coming to the rescue or taking over what I was doing when I looked unsure.

The more you update, the more he sounds lazy and uninterested.
All parents are tired. All parents have times where they'd rather be doing something else but they can't not make breakfast or stay in bed and pretend the child that they chose to make isn't awake. He's setting a terrible example and by not putting the effort in now, he risks your son saying he wants to do hobbies with you in future because you are the one who is interested and has spent time with him.

wow If there were a thread on here by a mum who was working full time, doing cooking and cleaning and consistently being told she’s an “unnatural mother” and inadequate because she doesn’t meet her husbands standard you’d be told to “take the freedom programme” and “get your ducks in a row”

tbh people here are nicer to you than I think you deserve if I’m honest
you sound abusive, undermining and controlling and a know it all

your partner is probably struggling because you’re being critical
and it’s not “every few months” you’re likely signing or giving looks and little remarks constantly because don’t even seem to have any humility in this entire thread

honestly it’s not ok and if you actually care for your partner and his relationship with his son, you’d try to humble yourself

HNRTT but see what you are worried about, OP. You shouldn't have to but perhaps ask a question rather than point out obvious flaws. Ask when your DC is adult, what will he remember about his father's parenting. Earning money, not spending time and a pat on the head? Is that what your DP would want to hear when his DC is too old for him to do anything about it? If not, what does he intend to change and from when? Have seen many men and a few DGPs both male and female pride themselves in doing nothing with children until 'they're older' as it's a waste of time or money or they cana't communicate with babies/toddlers/little ones and either not change when the child is older or to be angry when the child becomes older, the adult decides they can be bothered and the child doesn't want to spend time with the adult who they know made no effort with them before.

Good luck.

Oh and by the way
most of us are “full time mums” even with jobs!!

Doesn’t it just!

Will your h open up about his parenting concerns? For example I remember feeling awkward talking to a baby who clearly has no clue what I'm saying. I faked it until I made it to the point that I understood that eye contact, attention and a look at my facial expressions is very interesting for them.
A common question on here is "what do I do with a baby once they are clean and fed?" which might be something that he doesn't know too. Get him to take baby to the shop or get petrol or whatever. The little things like that will add up to attachment over time.

@Gevrgrgrtv 💯

Poor sod.
You don't sound like a 'natural' wife. 🙄

wow If there were a thread on here by a mum who was working full time, doing cooking and cleaning and consistently being told she’s an “unnatural mother” and inadequate because she doesn’t meet her husbands standard you’d be told to “take the freedom programme” and “get your ducks in a row”

100% this. It's such an unpleasant thing to say about someone.

@Gevrgrgrtv 👏👏👏

I get it OP, you just want him to want to spend time with his son. My DH was the same as yours and our son is now 4 and only wants me. They don’t have much of a bond at all. If I could go back to and do things differently I’d go out on my own more and leave them to it. I’d insist we share things like bedtime and bathtime so it wasn’t all me.

As I was a SAHM though I had all the time in the world to do these things. Trouble is it’s a rod for our own back and DC only want us then and DH gets a free ride, he can sit on his phone whilst kids are climbing all over me wanting me! Push for equality with childcare but try not to make it like you’re criticising or he’s just doing it for you. It needs to have him on board too otherwise he’ll resent you. You could each take turns every week having a day on your own at the weekend so that he can spend all day with DS. Eg you go shopping or to a cafe etc and leave him to it. It’s a lovely feeling when you come home and they’re playing together or laughing or snuggled up on the sofa.

Op has set herself up as the only parent and then moans when the dh doesn't parent

Can't have it both ways