DH isn't a "natural dad", am I being a cow?

[AllTheOtherNamesWereTaken]

So our DS is 15 months old, I really love my DH and I know he loves me and DS but I really feel that his fathering is falling short.

We're in the middle of yet another argument as every few months I bring up an aspect I think he's lacking in, he gets upset/offended/ thinks IABU then he'll make a little change for the better.

For a bit of background he's never been into babies but really wants a family, I thought it would click into place when we had our own. It took a while for him to bond which I know is normal and fine, but because I love being a mum so much I automatically do pretty much all the baby care stuff (but would never stop him doing any) and I EBF which made it hard in the early days as whenever DS went to him he'd cry to come back for a feed. DH is supportive of me BF but definitely has a lot of feelings of rejection by DS especially as now he's super clingy with me.

From my point of view I want DH to scoop up DS when he can, take the opportunities to spend time with him that he can, do his best to make him laugh often etc. I just want to see him be a natural fun dad like I see in a couple of our family members who are dads. When he has DS and he's upset he'll shh and pat his back like he's a newborn instead of trying to be fun and distracting - I've tried to point out to him when our mums both do this but he hasn't taken it on board or will make a very flat attempt and say it didn't work.

From his point of view he looks after us by bringing in the money, cooking dinner and doing what housework he can. He is amazing at these things, I am a full time mum which I appreciate so much, but DS obviously doesn't understand all this and only understands time and fun with his dad. He thinks newborns are boring and has been waiting for DS to be more of a 'fun' toddler but he's not stepping up anywhere near as much as I'd hope now DS is bigger.

He says lots of dads do nothing helpful with family life and kids, so by comparison he is good (he also thinks he's doing an appropriate amount and to give him time to build it up himself). From my point of view I cannot understand why he's not striving to be like the best examples we know of natural dads.

I'm not asking him to give me relief or time off, I'm just asking to put in more daddy effort. To be fair to him he's been saying for a while he'll take him out for a few hours at the weekends so they can have time together but life's been to busy recently that we haven't had the chance.

A lot of the opportunities I'd like him to take are things like getting up at the weekend in time to have breakfast with us and more play time, but he's tried and stressed from work. I half totally understand and don't expect him to get up all the time as he travels a lot and needs to recoup, and I half think it's a habit I've let him get away with for too long and sometimes he needs to get his ass up with us.

YABU- this is normal dad behaviour and you are lucky he provides for you

YANBU- he should step up his game with DS

If I were you I would focus on yourself and make a plan to get back into work. Tbh you sound like your critisung rather than your DH being lazy like a lot of posts on here.

You lost me on your 2nd paragraph.

This sort of thing would be amazing. At the moment he will do a bit of playing where he's just sort of there with him. None of the regular bath, getting dressed etc. I'm honestly not wanting him to do it for the break I'm wanting him to do it for their bond.

Regular bath/getting dressed/getting up in morning/giving DC breakfast/taking out regularly/properly playing with them is to me, really basic parenting from their Dad.
I’m sure you do all these things day in day out and no one would see it as ‘amazing’.

I’m surprised at the number of people disagreeing with you tbh.

My DH is far from perfect but he’d take DC out because he wanted to spend time with them plus it was nice for me to have a break. He’d enjoy doing bath, play time etc.
DH would see an activity he’d think DC would like and take them or we’d all go, farm or messy play somewhere or whatever.
He’d usually take DC when younger whenever he went somewhere, then they just asked to go with him as they got older.

Do you do all the early mornings with DS?
Does your DH never take him out anywhere by himself?
Not regularly bath, dress him?

It sounds like you’re being left with the majority of the parenting which isn’t good for any of you really.

Ebf means exclusively breast feeding.

I have no idea what you're on about "real mums"

His way will never work if you continue shadowing him.

The baby will soon realise that you think Dad is inadequate then baby will cling to you pushing Dad further away.

Hopefully they have a long future relationship ahead and now supporting you as main caregiver is so valuable for your child.

My father had no interest in babies, only when we could talk in sentences and even then he had conversations about mundane things, with a few “Dad jokes” and bit of magic too. He never swung us around and played toys. For some years he took a job working away in the week and did a lot of sport at weekends. He drank alcohol in evenings. I feel bad for my Mum who didn’t have much help around the house. Their marriage is their own business but from an outside perspective things got better when we were older. They worked together and also had more leisure time together. They are now inseparable.

However he truly loves us, sacrificed for us, provided for us and wanted /wants good things for us. He allowed my Mum to stop working (as an employee) for years. As we got older at the a drop of a hat he would have driven anywhere /sent money or what practical thing we needed. It wasn’t until I became a parent that I really understood he was just a man and has his own mind /preferences/experiences. We don’t start parenthood as perfect humans. He was not a “natural father” but he is a good father and I’d never swap him. He loves his grandchildren too but still had absolutely no interest in them as babies.

Sounds like you're nitpicking a bit. Just chill and be happy.

Poor your DH. Sounds a lot like mine tbh. But I would never dream to call him not a natural Dad. Because even though he's not, neither am I. And I would be devastated if he ever said the same to me.

Both our kids bonded heavily to me as babies. Probably due to EBF. DH struggled with this, as baby eventually wanted me, and only me. Our youngest is still a baby, and is still very mummy focussed. But our eldest is 3, and has come to realise that daddy can equally be a source of comfort and fun. Plus she walks and talks and is learning! Much easier for DH to interact with. And now he's a far more active parent.

Give the poor guy a chance. You want him to be a 'natural' parent, but maybe he just isn't with babies. Maybe he might be with a toddler.

My god you sound annoying, sorry but you do. Oh and what is a full time mum 🤣, I'm a full time mum but I also have a full-time job 🤔. You sound like you've been spending too much time full time mumming and reading rubbish on the Internet, meanwhile your husband is knackered from work and can't be arsed to perform for you when he gets in from a long day. Stop comparing him to other people he's not them, chances are he'll do lots with his children once they are a bit older, some men just don't like doing the being silly/playing with babies, it just isn't them whether it's their child or not, it's like you are forcing him to be something he's not.

I'm with those who say you need to back away. Let your DH figure out his parenting style in his own way. You have this idea of what he 'needs' to do, but why does he have to do it your way? Patting DS' back may not settle him for you, but if you get out of the way, it may work for your DH but if it doesn't he'll figure out another way to soothe him or he'll ask you. But let him figure it out or ask on his own.

Why does he have to take DS 'out'? Why can't DS sit in his lap whilst he games or watches sport? My DH traveled and when he got home exhausted their idea of heaven, even as toddlers, was sitting on their dad's lap watching cartoons. Soon DH was singing the cartoon songs and making funny noises. Next thing you knew they were rolling around on the floor together. The point is, he did what felt natural to him and it evolved from there. Give the poor man a chance to find his 'style' of parenting. Then he'll be a 'natural parent', doing it his own way.

If you feel he needs to help out more with the 'practical' side of co-parenting like bathing or helping out more in the house, that's fair and doesn't have to do with parenting 'style'. But if you want him to interact more, hand DS off to him and take a walk or busy yourself elsewhere.

It can't do much for his confidence if you are always telling him what a rubbish parent he is.

Give him time. One day you will watch them both going down the road hand in hand, or Dad helping him learn to ride a bike.

Leave him be and don't comment or he will feel he is failing and get self-conscious. He will come into his own one day.

My OH was totally brilliant with our DDs when they were babies - completely besotted - but guess who had to deal with all the tantrums when they got a bit older!

Rather than having the regular arguments about it, would your DH be amenable if you were to say "It would be great if you could do bath and bedtime on a Monday (or whenever) night, so I can catch up on a TV show/chat to my Mum on the phone/do my nails/do some admin?" and "I'd love it if we could all have breakfast together one of the weekend mornings each week", you could make it into a special family morning.

Perhaps when he's interacting with your DS as you are hoping, encourage him and tell him "Look how much DS loves that!", but I guess that's tricky to do without sounding patronising! I'm sure their bond will grow as DS does - does your DH have any hobbies or interests he might like to introduce DS to when he's a bit older?

Leaving aside that working to provide for your child is as much 'parenting' as dressing and playing with them, isn't the point of being a SAHM that she does the majority of the hands on stuff? If one parent works full time, cooks and does housework, plus doing an equal share of childcare, there wouldnt be a great deal for the other one to do would there?
If the OP wants him to take on equal childcare she could facilitate that by taking on an equal share of the financial burden. Though tbf to her, she hasn't really said that. It the quality not quantity that she's dissatisfied with.

You need to allow them time together without you being there. Depending on his schedule he gets up with his son and gets him fed and dressed on certain days. Same with bath times, you need to back off and let him get on with it. That is how they bond and learn.

I am a long term SAHM, every Saturday Dh had a lie in but Sundays were my lie in. Dh was very hands on right from day one. He couldn't feed Ds but he could wind him, change his nappy and settle him.

I do think if you are with a child for extended times then you learn their cues. However, my Dh was very receptive to me suggesting trying things like your distraction thing rather than the shush pat. He just wanted to do his best by Ds.

Dh has made it his mission to spend one on one time with his children, took them out for walks, to the park, to the shops, every day things. My sons are now teens and have an amazingly close relationship to both of us.

Yabu and crushing his confidence. You are better at this because you've had more practice over maternity leave. Those days that you felt like you did nothing were added up to hundred (maybe thousands) of hours of practice.
Yabvu with the comment about shushing in particular. Distracting might work for you but maybe patting and sympathy will work for your h. I've never heard anything sillier than patting being only for babies. Your way is not the only way. Nursery for instance, will have their tricks to deal with things.
Yanbu to be concerned that he's not trying and I suggest you go out so your h is forced to spend some time working things out without feeling self conscious about Mrs Knows-it-all judging him. He's in a vicious circle - the less he tries, the more that him and baby will feel distant.
Your post makes you sound very controlling yet you say things like you don't expect any relief from the babycare or there's no time for him to go out with baby. He should be able to provide babycare relief and he needs to make time for babycare practice.

Try and get him to take on a few planned slots with DS.

So every Sat morning, you get up with DS and he has a lie in, and then switch for Sun morning.

he does three bathtimes a week and you do four. He does two hours with DS on Sat afternoon while you go out for a haircut, or a walk, or a coffee.

Alone time with DS will soon get him some experience and build his bond

So the bits that jumped out at me are

Your insistence that you don’t need a break and aren’t doing it for this

That most things you mention involve you.

He could get up one day at the weekend, or if he has a very manual job once every other weekend. I have always worked full time and weekend lie ins were split. But you don’t want him to get up with the child and have time then. You want him and you to be up early with the baby to share breakfast. If I was exhausted and he other parent was insisting on being up, I wouldn’t get up either.

But you seem determined to prove you don’t need a break and you want it to be all of you. Wanting or taking a break from your child doesn’t mean you aren’t a good parent. No one is a natural parent. Some people find it easier, but it’s something everyone learns. Having a break and also giving them time alone doesn’t make you less of a good mother.

it also sounds like when he is trying, you are hovering telling him how he is doing it wrong. That’s just making it worse. Honestly, I would feel depressed and not feel up to parenting if the other parent criticised every time I was doing something, rather than letting me find my own way or we had several arguments where I was told where I am ‘lacking’.

I think he could do more. But I also think there’s a good chance you are making things a lot worse, are the cause of some of his uncertainty and preventing the thing you claim to want.

Leaving aside that working to provide for your child is as much 'parenting' as dressing and playing with them, isn't the point of being a SAHM that she does the majority of the hands on stuff? If one parent works full time, cooks and does housework, plus doing an equal share of childcare, there wouldnt be a great deal for the other one to do would there?
If the OP wants him to take on equal childcare she could facilitate that by taking on an equal share of the financial burden. Though tbf to her, she hasn't really said that. It the quality not quantity that she's dissatisfied with.

SAHM would obviously do all child related things while OH was at work but then evenings and weekends the hands on tasks would be split fairly equally?

My DH days he feels involved but being in the room gaming while I'm on the floor playing with DS. Do you all think that is fine and him just doing parenting his way?!
Thats not ok at all. Imagine teen ds being on his phone while h wants to talk to him. Is he really going to say it's ok that he doesn't put his phone down so he's present in the conversation? It's rude and lazy. Games can go on after bedtime.

I do agree that he needs some substantial periods of time alone with his child to bond though.

My DH days he feels involved but being in the room gaming while I'm on the floor playing with DS. Do you all think that is fine and him just doing parenting his way?!

Involved by being present in the room but relaxing and pleasing himself? While you make all the effort? Pull the other one “D”H!

Imagine him saying every few months that you're a shit mother and doing things wrong. Imagine how you would feel.

Go on, try it to imagine.

To give a couple of examples the last argument was because for a good few months it became routine that I would do bath time alone and he'd watch TV or game, it just became a given habit that he wasn't involved. So I brought it up, we had an argument then he started helping with bath time which was lovely.
**
I didn't grow up with my dad and tbh yeah I do have an image in my mind if what a dad should be like after seeing my friends dad's and things on TV etc. My DH days he feels involved but being in the room gaming while I'm on the floor playing with DS. Do you all think that is fine and him just doing parenting his way?!

He’s not ‘helping’ with bath time, he’s just bathing his son. You shouldn’t have to bring this up or have an argument with him to get him to put his son in the bath or any other similar basic parenting tasks. He should be saying ‘come on DS, let’s get you in the bath’ without you bringing this up.

Him sitting gaming while you played with DS would annoy me. Unless it was a really occasional thing like he’d had a hard time at work and needed to unwind. Just sitting gaming constantly though would irritate me.
Personally I don’t think that’s fine to do on a regular basis with a 15 month old. I say that as a parent of older DC who are heavily into gaming but at that age I wouldn’t have been happy as a frequent thing.

It may be that he is reluctant to handle the baby because you are watching, finding fault,telling him he's not as good as other Dads, not a 'natural' father. You are going to ruin the relationship between father and son if you are not careful.

You may think you're an ideal parent but you sound far from a remotely decent partner. I also agree with others, why don't you work part time and take the financial responsibility off your DH so maybe he will have more energy to bond with DS