BF just slammed the door on me for suggesting an overnight break.

[tiredsack]

I'm so tired.

I suggested to my partner that we go on a 1-2 night stay somewhere local.That way we can travel back quickly/easily if we need to. Not a big holiday, just an overnight break.

This would be on me.

My bf screamed at me, insulted me and slammed the door in my face.

That's not normal is it? I come from such a fucked up background it's hard to know sometimes.

All of the finances are on me. All of the cleaning is on me. I cook but only a few times a week because I don't trust the state he leaves the kitchen in. If I sound like Mrs. Bucket - I'm not. It's made both of us ill multiple times and he acknowledges this. He gets really angry if I don't cook lunch for him.

I'm making plans to leave. I'm only here because I know he wouldn't cope without me. It wasn't always like this. I just find it hard to know why someone can have an offer of a trip away and flip like that.

He knew I was upset and came in to explain why he doesn't want to go. He feels unwell and tired.

That's fine. That's an answer.

No thank you - maybe another time. Fine.

I'm sick of being made to feel like a monster when I just try to be nice.

He has you conditioned to believe that he won’t cope without you. Well he coped quite well before he met you didn’t he? He’ll manage again and you will blossom without that absolute leech of a man sucking you dry.

Leave. He is not worth it and not your problem.

Of course he will cope. I agree with everyone else, he’s conditioned you to believe he won’t but it’s part of the script.

I used to think my EA exh wouldn’t cope either. Let me tell you he’s absolutely fine as his only priority is always no1, and he makes sure he has everything he needs in life.

So wrong!!! Fuck him off! You can do better, he sounds like a twat!!

Could you go and take this break on your own. It will help you ha e space.it will help you see what it's like to be e a breathe.it will help you have some time to think out of the smog on your current home.

If he won't cope without you sign post him help. But is he coping with you there?seems to me he's getting worse.
Also him coping?what about you.hoir not.
Mental illness is terrible.and I salute family that stick together throfub it.and I never tell people (a mn thing) to chuck a sufferer put or just leave.necaise it's not that simple with an illness.peole with mental illness cannot help it.and cannot always have a choice of recovery. So life at home for families scan be fucking horrific sometimes.
Bit there is always a reason they stock together.there is always a glimmer of something.the sufferer is able to do enough to show the other just how much they are trying despite everything.
If he's just abusing you everyday this isn't right.
There needs to be lines of what you can and cannot cope with.
That in itself can feel awful.
But you need to be safe and well too.

Just kick him out. He’ll be fine. You need some serious support so you don’t end up in another dangerously dysfunctional relationship. I hope you find it. You can choose to have a better life, it’s up to you.

Hell yes, thank you. No regrets at all.
You can do it too. If people are sounding frustrated with you, it's not because they're angry with you, just upset for you and wanting you to be in a better place. But not everyone understands how hard it can be, until you've been in that place constantly doubting yourself.

Unless you birthed him, he coped perfectly before he met you. Do yourself a huge favour and leave. You deserve better

I'm only here because I know he wouldn't cope without me.

This is simply not true.

The fact is, he would cope with making his own lunch. But he doesn't have to because it's way easier for him to show you how angry he will get if you don't make lunch for him.

He would cope with finding a way to pay his own bills. But he doesn't have to, because it's way easier for him to lean on you & coerce you into paying his way.

He could cope with tidying & cleaning the kitchen. But he doesn't have to, because it's easier for him to be lazy & disrespectful, knowing that you will have to do it instead.

And these are just the examples from your OP.
We all know there is more.

He uses anger, laziness & disrespect to make you do his coping for him.
He can cope just fine. He just doesn't want to, & has brainwashed you into thinking you have to do all his adulting for him.
While he screams at you & slams doors & becomes "ill" every time he wants to manipulate the situation further.

Are you seeing it yet OP?
He is using your codependency to make an easy life for himself at your emotional & financial expense.
I'm going to bet it's your house & he's cocklodging. What support do you need, to resolve to tell him to leave?

@WhereYouLeftIt I am putting that first. I don't have much in the tank at the moment. But you are right, I need to prioritize.

@Aquamarine1029 He won't be alright without me. I know that. I've seen pictures of him when he weighed almost nothing. He insists he is fine. The doctor insists he is fine. I don't think he is. I think he's being propped up by me.

@Blueeyedgirl21 We've had a stressful time recently and feel run down. I suggested this break because I thought we could both relax a bit. I can't stress enough how casual this arrangement was. He suggested this hotel and I just said, "oh, have a look at the rooms and see if you find one you fancy". We live in a place that attracts a lot of tourists, now is the off season so it's not even like booking would be a big deal. You can really just turn up and have your pick of rooms. It's his attitude towards me that's upsetting.

I'm fine with not going, I just want to be spoken to normally.

He won't be alright without me. I know that. I've seen pictures of him when he weighed almost nothing. He insists he is fine. The doctor insists he is fine. I don't think he is. I think he's being propped up by me.

Why are you dedicating your life to propping up a man who treats you so appallingly?

@FlamencoDance I have had therapy but clearly not enough. There are some things I have never told the therapists I saw because I never got to that point of trust.

Bring forward your plans to leave and go immediately
He's treating you like a servant and you are literally paying for it
Of course he will cope without you.
Do not feel guilty for leaving
You deserve so much more

I've seen pictures of him when he weighed almost nothing. He insists he is fine. The doctor insists he is fine. I don't think he is. I think he's being propped up by me.

Try to reframe this as I think it may help you.

He's not being 'propped up' by you. He's being enabled by you.

Enabled to never have to learn the coping skills necessary to live as an adult and be self sufficient.

Enabled to never have to learn the coping skills necessary to cope if god forbid something should happen to you.

I personally believe he's an abusive bastard who treats you this way because he feels entitled to and he wants to.

But for arguments sake, say he really was unwell and unable to cope, you wouldn't be propping him up by staying. You would be standing in the way of him being able to live a happy, healthy life by learning to cope with adulting.

Maybe reframing it like that will help you make the right decision and leave?

In your shoes I'd be delighted to think that he wouldn't cope without me. See how that feels, big boy, now you don't have your skivvy around to wipe up and cook and clean and do the laundry and pay the bills. But in reality, he'll have someone else lined up a week after you're gone.

Just wondering what do you get out of the relationship apart from being a mama?

What exactly do you get out if this "relationship"? He is an entitled, lazy manchild.

If he's so unable to look after himself he needs professional care. By sacrificing yourself to cater for his every need, whilst being abused, have you considered that perhaps he is being prevented from getting the professional help he needs?

But I'm less worried about him - what happened to you growing up that you have allowed this situation to occur? What sort of behaviour did your parents model to you? Why do you override your own needs in favour of this asshole?

You made a rod for your own back. Did you expect him to be super-grateful to you, and now you're upset that he isn't?

You've placed yourself firmly in saviour 'I am his be all and end all' mode, saying he won't be able to manage without you. Well you can decide and expect and manoeuvre that you'll be important and indispensable in someone's life. It doesn't mean they'll think the same of you and show how forever grateful to you they are, unfortunately.

Woman up stop cossetting a grown man including paying all bills...! Let the man be a man. Maybe he finds mum/carer mode boring in a partner albeit that doesn't excuse his behaviour

You're leaving anyway and after initial upset I'm sure you'll find he's coping perfectly well

When someone tells you who they are @tiredsack listen to them!
Your bf is an abusive arse, you deserve so much more.

He’s literally stealing your life - day by day. You’ll never get this time back.

He will cope without you. And d’you know what, if he doesn’t, tough.

He’s an aggressive, abusive bully controlling your life. You think like you do because you’ve been “trained” to think this way by him. It’s coercive control. It’s a criminal offence.

You can leave. You owe him nothing.

@KettrickenSmiled I need to value myself and find my strength back. I need to know I'm not crazy. Human and flawed, sure, but not crazy.The family background obviously does not help.

As I say, it wasn't always like this, but I was stronger then, perhaps I didn't notice as much. Need to work on myself, basically.

It sounds like you are setting yourself on fire to keep him warm.

You need to prioritise yourself. You can't help others if they won't help themselves or if you are in a bad place yourself.

@Zebracat You sound very strong. I'm so glad you met someone nice. I do need to learn to say no.

@CarefreeMe I think people are reading a bit too much into that decision there or maybe I didn't express myself well enough. I just fancied a night away, I suggested it to him and he said yes. Then he changed his mind which is perfectly OK. I'm not talking about a holiday of a lifetime here I just mean a short distance for a refresh. My plans to leave are complex for other reasons and making sure he is going to be alright is one. You don't have to hate someone to leave them.

Thank you @Cruisebabe1 I'm sorry you experienced similar stuff.