BF just slammed the door on me for suggesting an overnight break.

[tiredsack]

I'm so tired.

I suggested to my partner that we go on a 1-2 night stay somewhere local.That way we can travel back quickly/easily if we need to. Not a big holiday, just an overnight break.

This would be on me.

My bf screamed at me, insulted me and slammed the door in my face.

That's not normal is it? I come from such a fucked up background it's hard to know sometimes.

All of the finances are on me. All of the cleaning is on me. I cook but only a few times a week because I don't trust the state he leaves the kitchen in. If I sound like Mrs. Bucket - I'm not. It's made both of us ill multiple times and he acknowledges this. He gets really angry if I don't cook lunch for him.

I'm making plans to leave. I'm only here because I know he wouldn't cope without me. It wasn't always like this. I just find it hard to know why someone can have an offer of a trip away and flip like that.

He knew I was upset and came in to explain why he doesn't want to go. He feels unwell and tired.

That's fine. That's an answer.

No thank you - maybe another time. Fine.

I'm sick of being made to feel like a monster when I just try to be nice.

Please leave.

Just leave him (or kick him out as you're paying for everything) He isn't your responsibility and he's being horrible to you. Why is not bringing in money?

You don't need his permission to take a break. If you're paying and want a few days away, take one and leave the ungrateful bastard at home. And while you're away, shore up your plans to leave him permanently.

Oh love.

It IS hard to leave abusive relationships, and people not in abusive relationships often find that hard to understand.

But abuse undermines and destroys everything you need to take care of yourself. Your self esteem, your confidence, your sense of what’s normal, everything.

And the longer it goes on, the harder it is to rescue yourself.

You are NOT wrong, you deserve to be treated with love and respect, and to live in equality and mutual support.

You may be frightened that YOU wouldn’t cope on your own… but you would. Because your money would all be yours, you could eat healthily and enjoyably, you wouldn’t have him telling you you are wrong all the time.

Look at the Freedom Programme online.

What’s your housing situation?

Use the money you would have spent on your weekend away as the start of your fund for a deposit on a flat.

You did the right thing in posting.

People are on your side even if they seem to be haranguing you.

Look after yourself OP. And good luck. There is a much happier life for you out there.

Ltb

He had a life before you
He will have a life after you.
Focus on you.

Get the fuck away from that abusive maniac asap.

Does he have a gold plated dick? Cos I’m not sure why you’re with him.

Bollocks to he “needs me”. He’s a nasty, ungrateful waste of space.

Do yourself a favour and leave. Enjoy your own clean, tidy, pleasant company. He sounds like a cloud of pollution!!

Leave. It's not up to you to 'fix' him or be his crutch.

His reaction was bizarre

YANBU

We all snap sometimes but not like this and apologise straight after but this was a complete over reaction and I would have said that you’ll be going away on your own then.

What I am confused about is why you’re wanting to plan a short break away with the person you are planning to leave - that doesn’t make sense.

Why waste time and money and create new memories of someone you’re apparently planning to leave.

Jesus Lord. Get out now and don't waste any more of your life on this son of a shit.

Oh sweetheart, you deserve so so much better
Are you able to expedite your plans to leave? If so, please do!

I think you might find personal therapy helpful to help you understand why you feel you should stay and to rediscover your self worth.

You’ve gone through a lot in life and done your best to look after everyone else. Now it’s time to do the best for yourself. You are questioning his response because you’ve realised it’s not normal, he has his own issues that he needs to fix. You do not need to be the person to fix them. You deserve someone who is on your level. You are caring and will do the best for others, you need to surround yourself with people in your life that is like you.

ilI do not know what you do for a career but you might find fulfilment in pursuing a career where you can help others professionally. You come across as a caring individual who is kind, patient, understanding and empathetic. You don’t need to deal with issues like this in your personal life.

Focus on you and rediscover your value. You can live an amazing fulfilled life without him and he will either choose to continue ignoring his issues or become a better person without having you accepting the unacceptable.

Focus on doing you, continue being kind but you do not need to be a doormat.

Why is he so tired? If you're paying for stuff it sounds like he doesn't work?

I so understand rescuing. I’ve done it all my life. I’m 63 now and thinking when is it my turn?
when is it your turn?
I am really lucky that after a miserable childhood, I married a lovely man, and we support each other, but my role in my birth family is still to make everything better for everyone. But last month I refused calls from a fucked up relative, and today someone else is wanting a piece of me and I want to hold the line.
You are much younger, just stop doing it. You have a responsibility to yourself and no one else. If a partner doesn’t offer partnership, end it. You have done brilliantly well to grow up stable and employable, loving and strong after a difficult start, dont let this deadweight hold you back.

Of course he would cope, he coped before, he'll cope after.

You've written yourself as his saviour for some reason, possibly connected to your childhood, and are using that script as a reason to not face up to him being an abusive, lazy cocklodger who's not worth your time.

He's got you exactly where he wants you be pretending to be useless so you continue with the saving. This kind of man leeches off women who allow it, just as you've done up till now. Time to change that.

Give yourself a massive, well-earned break by getting rid of him!

Whether he does or does not cope isn't your problem. But your partner certainly would cope without you, it's just convenient to him to make you think otherwise.

I'm making plans to leave. I'm only here because I know he wouldn't cope without me.

And YOU can't cope WITH him.
You are not his cook, housekeeper, facilitator or cash machine.

You are going to start feeling SO much better as soon as you are rid of this leech. You will be better off emotionally, have only yourself to fend for, can leave your kitchen how you want to find it ... & will have more cash to spare to take yourself on a much-needed break.

What practical steps do you need to take to dismantle this relationship?

He’s an adult, if he can’t cope that’s on him. Don’t waste another day with this horrible man

Brilliant advice from another poster who said use the money you would have spent on the weekend as down payment on a flat and get the fuck out! Don’t even explain. Just go.

He will cope fine without you (or he won’t but it’s not your job to be responsible for another adult human). You are only there because he has brainwashed you. Pack up your shit and leave him, now. Whistle a happy tune on the way out. Enjoy a weekend away by yourself!

Have you ever received counselling to help you understand & reconcile with your poor early start in life? I hope you are able to either access some via your GP, or invest in yourself privately if that is affordable.

Short term - obviously LTB.
Medium term - you have tolerated a shit situation for so long, & would benefit from learning about the FOG caused by dysfunctional family dynamics.
Start here! - outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

Enrol on this course (you can do it online) - www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

& order this book (do NOT let your b/f see it if he is still around. Although I hope he can be gone by the time you've placed an order & received a delivery ...) -
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

As to this not coping without you nonsense - of course he will cope. He coped before you, he will cope afterwards. Whatever strategic incompetence he has been displaying to you is contrived to manipulate you doing everything, paying for everything, & taking his verbal abuse.

Please access counselling to explore how you became enmeshed in an abusive, codependent relationship. Also - please do NOT feel this is any reflection on YOU. Controlling men prey quite deliberately on women whose boundaries have been skewed by ACE (adverse childhood experiences - google it). This is not your fault. But until you can invest time in educating yourself on the topics I'm - excuse me, lecturing you about!! - you are in danger of falling for the next abuser. From losing out on satisfying friendships due to people-pleasing. From being undermined in working relationships.

Here's a last link, an oldie but goodie, which will help you find your own sweet way of asserting yourself & believing you have a right to insist on decent treatment - www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

You are stronger & more resilient than you know, Abused partners often are - the shit they absorb while managing to function 'normally' is astounding. Time to start using that strength for your own benefit - not for this horrible man who is using you & sucking your spirit dry.

OP don't blame him for you staying. It's your choice, you should own it.

Accelerate those plans to leave.

You aren't his mother and he will cope when he has to, or he'll sucker in some other girl. Get away from him asap and be happy. All he's doing is dragging you down. There's a lot more in life than that.