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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think Dh is an incompetent fuckwit?

197 replies

theUrbanDryad · 28/01/2008 22:38

So here's the scene in the Urban household tonight:

ds asleep in bed. we're trying to get him to settle without nursing at the moment, so dh is going up to settle him, in theory.

ds starts to cry. dh sits on his arse and stares at me gormlessly. i say, "Are you going up?" he says, "But I can't settle him." i say, "Well he's got to learn to settle without milk at some point."

dh goes upstairs. cue 5 minutes of screaming.

i decide i can't take it any more and go up. dh is standing up cuddling ds and saying, "he's wet through." WELL FUCKING CHANGE HIM THEN YOU FUCKING TWAT!!

i take over. get ds into clean nappy sleepsuit etc. by this time he's screamed himself hoarse and so does actually need a drink. won't take cup of water. won't take bottle of water (i know from bitter experience) so i have to nurse him. ds goes back to sleep. i try to leave. he wakes up and cries. repeat 15 times till i get frustrated and "touched out" and shout for dh to bring medised. while dh is crashing about looking for medised, ds falls asleep. dh shouts up stairs "Where's the medised?" i hiss down "Just leave it." dh persists "No, where is it?" i hiss "Just leave it the fuck alone!" "I need to know where it is!" "SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP."

AAAARRRRRGH!!

so i've cooked the dinner, settled the baby, made the bread. settled the baby again. and again. and again.

why oh why oh why is my dh such an enormous knob? it's not just him is it? there are other men like him out there?

OP posts:
soapbox · 28/01/2008 22:46

I think this quote from Madamez earlier today just about sums it up!

"Men who repeatedly ignore instructions on domestic tasks are engaging in passive-agressive isogyny - the message they are quite consciously and deliberately transmitting is " I am a man. I am too important to be made to do menial tasks like this. You are a woman. You are biologically designed to service me. Sooner or later you will give up trying to make me do any kind of domestic work and just do it all yourself."

pointydog · 28/01/2008 22:47

It's a very trying time. I hope you get some sleep soon.

lennygrrl · 28/01/2008 22:47

Message withdrawn

cupsoftea · 28/01/2008 22:48

what's medised?

amytheearwaxbanisher · 28/01/2008 22:49

ynbu would be very ennoyed how did it not occure to him to change your wet ds?

SlartyBartFast · 28/01/2008 22:49

joining in the rocking.
and i dont feel well either.

margoandjerry · 28/01/2008 22:52

YANBU. But don't go up after five minutes. Don't make bread. Don't cook the dinner.

If you keep supporting his incompetence he will remain deliberately incompetent imho.

smallwhitecat · 28/01/2008 22:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Wotz · 28/01/2008 22:54

been there, done that, not funny at the time, but how you will laugh one day

lol @ cups 'what's medised?'

Original poster
theUrbanDryad · 28/01/2008 22:55

soapbox - you are absolutely right. i don't agree with madamez on everything (far from it! ) but she is spot on there.

margo&jerry - if i did that i'd have to listen to ds crying all night, or however long it took dh to settle him. and i need to eat too.

OP posts:
cupsoftea · 28/01/2008 22:55

wotz - I'll google it

WinkyWinkola · 28/01/2008 22:56

What is wrong with coming back upstairs and whispering the question where the medised is? Medised is a whole different thread mind.. . .. . .

It is daft when you are living in a house with small children. DH, for example, comes home and upon not finding me downstairs, waiting for him with a hot supper, pinny or suspenders on, starts calling louder and louder, "Hullo? Hulloo - oh -oh," until his final, "HULLOOOOOO?" wakes up the two DCs instead of the one I was getting back to sleep.

And then he simply doesn't understand why, 30 mins later, I creep downstairs, cheesed off with his total numptiness. .. . . .

Wotz · 28/01/2008 22:58

its liquid cold relief with paracetamol

sorry I thought you were being funny

cupsoftea · 28/01/2008 22:59

ok - seems to drug kids to sleep. Thought it was something for a stressed out mum! I'll step away from this thread.

nortynamechanger · 28/01/2008 22:59

Madamez has that so right 'Sooner or later you will give up trying to make me do any kind of domestic work and just do it all yourself' if you do it sooner it will save VAST amounts of time and energy.

On a recent thread some members were, erm, not being very supportive of a 1st time Mother with a 14 week old who felt her DH was not helping her enough. One actually posted, 'perhaps she is one of those surrendered wives' - nope she's just bypassed the nagging/screaming at DH bit (realising the futility) and gone straight for the whinging on Netmums.

Smart woman, she had managed in 14 weeks what it has taken me 8 years to learn.

Original poster
theUrbanDryad · 28/01/2008 23:00

Cups - medised is an infant paracetamol which contains anti-histamine which makes babies sleep. i have been known to give it to ds to make him sleep when at wits' end.

and he's now going on about how he works all day so he doesn't think he should have an share in the housework.

MisterUD: I go out every morning and I work really hard and I can't switch my brain off till i get home and it's not very nice. (or words to that effect)

what the fuck does he think i do all day (apart from MN, obviously )

OP posts:
Original poster
theUrbanDryad · 28/01/2008 23:02

look - there's my tether.

look, there's me. right at the end of it.

AAAARGH i'm going to go and live in a lesbian commune!

OP posts:
smallwhitecat · 28/01/2008 23:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
theUrbanDryad · 28/01/2008 23:03

what's WRONG with them all?

y'know, before i had kids and got married, i thought sexual equality actually, y'know, existed and all.

OP posts:
cupsoftea · 28/01/2008 23:04

I understand it's really hard when you're getting by on little sleep. I can't agree with the medcine approach but that's my opinion. It seems to have been well discussed.

I agree your dh should have changed our little one wet.

cupsoftea · 28/01/2008 23:05

plus am impressed with you making bread!

policywonk · 28/01/2008 23:05

Sorry you've had a shit evening UD

HOwever, I think margo is right - you went wrong when you went upstairs after five minutes. I know it's horrible listening to your DS cry, but if your DP is going to learn to settle him, he's going to have to make his own mistakes.

Tell him that tomorrow you absolutely will not be coming upstairs to take over no matter what happens (barring medical emergencies or acts of God), and then stuff some cotton wool in your ears, pour yourself a stiff drink and prepare to sit it out.

nortynamechanger · 28/01/2008 23:06

Sexual equality phah!

Lord, what fools these mortals be...(To quote The Bard)

Original poster
theUrbanDryad · 28/01/2008 23:07

cups - to be totally fair i agree with you. before i had my baby i would have JUDGED any parent who drugged their child to sleep.

then i had ds. insomniac child.

and be totally fair, he is teething, which possibly accounts for his non stop nurse-a-thon and clinginess. so the medised wouldn't have been entirely unreasonable. but he didn't have it anyway cause he fell asleep, despite dh shouting up the stairs like a total twat.

OP posts:
Wotz · 28/01/2008 23:08

urban
Is there any medised left for you? I'd have a little drop (or a little brandy) and get some sleep

Make a plan, put all the medicines in one place so you both know where they are. All the clean sheets in one place, so when dcs are sick in the night yand you are mopping up he can change the beds etc and know what to do. You know its not a secret, they can help. They just need direction.