To think Dh is an incompetent fuckwit?

[theUrbanDryad]

So here's the scene in the Urban household tonight:

ds asleep in bed. we're trying to get him to settle without nursing at the moment, so dh is going up to settle him, in theory.

ds starts to cry. dh sits on his arse and stares at me gormlessly. i say, "Are you going up?" he says, "But I can't settle him." i say, "Well he's got to learn to settle without milk at some point."

dh goes upstairs. cue 5 minutes of screaming.

i decide i can't take it any more and go up. dh is standing up cuddling ds and saying, "he's wet through." WELL FUCKING CHANGE HIM THEN YOU FUCKING TWAT!!

i take over. get ds into clean nappy sleepsuit etc. by this time he's screamed himself hoarse and so does actually need a drink. won't take cup of water. won't take bottle of water (i know from bitter experience) so i have to nurse him. ds goes back to sleep. i try to leave. he wakes up and cries. repeat 15 times till i get frustrated and "touched out" and shout for dh to bring medised. while dh is crashing about looking for medised, ds falls asleep. dh shouts up stairs "Where's the medised?" i hiss down "Just leave it." dh persists "No, where is it?" i hiss "Just leave it the fuck alone!" "I need to know where it is!" "SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP."

AAAARRRRRGH!!

so i've cooked the dinner, settled the baby, made the bread. settled the baby again. and again. and again.

why oh why oh why is my dh such an enormous knob? it's not just him is it? there are other men like him out there?

We moved to a whole new area, and DH to a whole new job, when I was pregnant with DS2. God, it was hard and we were both stressed, and vile to eachother. But it is a phase and it will get better.

Perhaps this is trite (well, it is) but I always tried to think of my grandmother when her four kids were small. Her DH's 'demanding job' was staying alive in WW2; and her task was to look after four tots alone, and make all their own clothes, and turn half an onion into a meal, and never know where her husband was and whether he was alive. They survived, so I guess we can.

Hi Urban, sorry only just seen this thread. Hope you're ok.

I feel awful that you have had to resort to airing your problems on here. Not nice at all

(told you i'd be lurking)

hang on Blossom, isn't that what everyone does here?

i knew there was a reason i was leaving.

erm... I think you are being uinreasonable. Well, your shouting and being rude to your husband is ubreasonable particularly you asking for medicine to quiet your child and then when your husband attempts to look for it getting all unreasonable and saying you don't want it now as if it's his fault.

Perhaps you are finding the whole sleep thing tough? Try being a little nicer to eachother.

where you leaving to?

I mean unreasonable.... sorry - typing too fast.

just having a MN break...well, i was...

Blossom - a lot of people are on here purely due to problems. Either to air their own, or to help others.

UD don't leave, sounds like you both need a place to get things off your chest and you're getting some good advice here.

It is really really really hard to keep going and be a 'nice' person when under great stress.

as said before, this will all pass. I looked at your profile UD and you are gorgeous, your ds is scrumptious and your dp seems like a honey. He seems to really care...that is worth alot.

Be kind to yourself and to each other.

I am on my own most of the time with my four and when my dh is around he never does a dish!

have read the op, and just want to say that my ex dh, was bad under pressure, as tho he couldnt get anything right. I used to be so tired aswell tho that I used to shout at him and tel him to grow up and 'think' like I had too.

Was quite harsh with him sometimes, that was the presure of new parenting tho, i used to feel like i was dealing with 2 children.

It took me being quite ill in hospital for two nights and seriously ill to understand what I go through with DD at night (and she is 2, but a terrible sleeper) and he was even stopping at my parents house for support as he trekked to hospital to see me.
Since then, I have had days of sickness which wipe me out and he has to deal with DD on his own, and cook, tidy up, keep things going while I'm out of action.
I admit it isn't done the way I like, but it is done, so they can be taught.
Not that I am suggesting you check into hospital or anything, but a night away could be really good for you both.

UD, you can't leave, I won't let you!

Obv, I am referring to being in hospital and DH understanding what I go through... I knew it well!

good post VictorianSqualor

Just one small comforting thought to mr and mrs Dryad: the day will come when you can both gang up on ds and teach him to bring you breakfast in bed. No, seriously, it will. A 4-year-old can work a toaster. An 8-year-old can make you a cup of tea. (I've never heard that teenagers can do anything at all, but that's a later problem).

I did think this thread was really thought-provoking, because we got to hear both sides- usually it's only the one.

And I realise how lucky I was in that dh and I both worked in the same profession, and that he was able to take one of my days as a SAHM for the first year. However tired and mad at each other we got, we were never tempted to speculate about what an easy time the other half was having- we both knew. It's none of it easy. But it does get better.

Mr & MrsUD.

It is obvious you both love each other, or else you wouldn't care.

UD, did you's make up this morning before he went to work?

Can I just ask one thing? Do you really sit on the sofa every evening whilst he carries you stuff? Surely if you could both take it in turns to make a cuppa, a slice of toast etc.... it would seem much easier.

I'm at university full time, when I come home I am a SAHM, I have the housework to do etc.. but when dh comes home he helps me, we're a team, 2 mebers of the same team working for the greater good, our family!!

Perhaps you both need to print out Custy's post & really read it? You are a team, both working together, not against each other

Just a quick note to say I hope you both have a better day today. You've described our lives two years ago, and what our lives wil undoubtedly be like again in a few months when LO is born. Most of us are in the same boat...if it were me, I'd get DS out of my room as soon as possible. Good luck, I hope it all works out fine for you both, and I'm sure it will.

I think you both sound lovely. Ok you've sworn at each other; ok you've sworn in front of DS when you shouldn't, OK UD you've started a thread about DH and called him some choice names.. and OK (to people who object to the Urban dirty laundry being publically washed), MrUD chose to respond on MN and a public marital dispute followed, warts and all..(which actually I think was very very brave of him. He is clearly very articulate (rare in a man) and not above posting about his own sensitivities and hurt feelings (rarer still in a man!!) and there is no way on God's green earth that MY DH (who I love v.much and is also sometimes a twat) would post publically that he LOVED me after Id called him one, in the unlikely event that he brave it to this board!)

Despite all this, you clearly care a lot about each other. The long and the short of it is that you are exhuasted. It WILL get better.. DS will sleep better and will not be breast fed forever.. I promise promise promise. I know all about chronic sleep deprivation and how it addles your brain and turns you into someone you're not really and makes you behave in ways that are not about the person you really are.. I am a verteran, I've got a 7 year old SN non-sleeper... but the BABY stage was the hardest.. it's all such a terrible shock at that stage, trying to work out how the hell you're supposed to lead some kind of a productive life and be responsible for so much other "stuff" than this very demanding baby, when you haven't had a decent night's sleep in God knows how long and there's no hope of one on the horizon.

I know it's been said, but you both need to do this if at ALL possible. Arrange yourselves a night's sleep without DS - it's become more important that you do this than preventing DS from having a night of outrage with no breast to suck on..

And...

Arrange yourselves a nice evening out. TALK to each other and make a HUGE effort to feel empathy for the other's position.

And then try to keep this plan up so you always have this little rest to look forward to, even if it's a month away.. and you always have some together time coming up too, WITHOUT DS, so you can recoup a little of what life was like when it was just you too.

(((Hugs))) to you both. xxxx

Oh dear. Look, sleep deprivation is hell and looking after a child f/t is hard, as is working and coming back to domestic stuff at home. Neither of us is rational atm, step back and be kind to each other (undertanding and appreciation may be a way off). And consider getting a babysitter and having a break.

you not us of course. Mind you, nnot sure DH and I are rational either...

Oh i didnt realise you were co-sleeping. That really is hard sometimes. It works for some people, but not others.

You know, things improved significantly when DS was given his own room. I'm pretty sure my snoring was disturbing him

tmmj - expressed milk might be better - simply because he has the same smell and taste. Most babies who have never had formula tend to not like it, and in fact, will more likely have cows milk. I'm not suggesting UD or MrUD gives cows milk mind you.

You both seem locked in your own world of despair and depression. You both have reason to be pissed off, tired and overwrought. But your positions have become so polarised now that you can't see each others' POV.

Sometimes, it takes one of you to back down, give the other a huge hug and say, "actually, I appreciate you've had a shit day, would you like a cuppa/massage/whatever?" It sets up a reciprocal arrangement you see, so that rather than seeing what you are doing for everyone else, you are demonstrating that you understand, and that you want to make them happy (because you do). Then the recipient feels as though they are appreciated, and therefore feel more inclined to open up to the other and do the same. It's not as ridiculous as it sounds!

I really DO know how exhausting it is to have a baby that wants to just nurse to sleep all the time, waking 3 or 4 times a night/evening. We had DD waking us up at daft o'clock on top of that and only ever wanting her Dad. It honestly did drive me insane (I have the antidepressants to prove it ).

Money is tight here. We are all working now. I'd rather not be doing what I'm doing, but, sometimes you've got to do what you can do to make things work. That means everybody.

Lack of sleep makes it all the more difficult, it's true. But, you know what helped me the most in the darkest days? Choosing the path of least resistance. UD - why do you need DH to settle DS? Would it be easier all round if you just fed on demand again, knowing that you'll get peace quicker and retain everyone's sanity? Perhaps you could express some milk so that DH can give DS his first drink of the day in the morning before work giving you a bit of a break and them some bonding time? (Early morning is when they are most ravenous - even at 1 year).