To think Dh is an incompetent fuckwit?

[theUrbanDryad]

So here's the scene in the Urban household tonight:

ds asleep in bed. we're trying to get him to settle without nursing at the moment, so dh is going up to settle him, in theory.

ds starts to cry. dh sits on his arse and stares at me gormlessly. i say, "Are you going up?" he says, "But I can't settle him." i say, "Well he's got to learn to settle without milk at some point."

dh goes upstairs. cue 5 minutes of screaming.

i decide i can't take it any more and go up. dh is standing up cuddling ds and saying, "he's wet through." WELL FUCKING CHANGE HIM THEN YOU FUCKING TWAT!!

i take over. get ds into clean nappy sleepsuit etc. by this time he's screamed himself hoarse and so does actually need a drink. won't take cup of water. won't take bottle of water (i know from bitter experience) so i have to nurse him. ds goes back to sleep. i try to leave. he wakes up and cries. repeat 15 times till i get frustrated and "touched out" and shout for dh to bring medised. while dh is crashing about looking for medised, ds falls asleep. dh shouts up stairs "Where's the medised?" i hiss down "Just leave it." dh persists "No, where is it?" i hiss "Just leave it the fuck alone!" "I need to know where it is!" "SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP."

AAAARRRRRGH!!

so i've cooked the dinner, settled the baby, made the bread. settled the baby again. and again. and again.

why oh why oh why is my dh such an enormous knob? it's not just him is it? there are other men like him out there?

ahh glad it is all sorted in the end!

Mrs UD would you like to meet up at some point? The next 2 weeks are chaos for me but can do Weds/Thur/Fri on week commencing 11/2?

I can travel to you / meet in your local town? freedom 6606 at hotmail dot com if you want to - ignore me if not!

They actually jsut don't listen. It's like thar Simpsons episode with Santa's little helper recognising only its name in converations, but it's appartent level of comprehension being more because of daft gleam in eye at regognising name...Just say blah blah blah and then never rely on them again - or give blow jobs too

The first casualty of stress is sensitivity. Every time.

You may have differing perceptions of each other's demands, but the shouting bit or stuff like it isn't going to change those perceptions. The 'I am right, you are wrong' positions go nowhere, as you well know, when you are cool. Itjust underminds your strenghts as a couple.

Bed time, def.

Just wanted to say THANK YOU you lovely UrbanDryads for being so incredibly open! You have articulated perfectly the eternal struggle between hard working SAHM and her hard working dh. I know that this doesn't help you two at the moment but it was really great to read such honest posts. Good luck with the settling/sleeping thing. This is the worst bit!

No, this charming soap opera doesn't have a happy ending.

I'm just a 'fucking twat', which apparently is a reasonable form of constructive criticism. It's now 1am and i'm wired and have been chucked out of the bedroom, over that last comemnt.

Yes, I wanted to bloody well talk about this, as hacing my stuff on the stairs, to me, isn't a calming sign to chill out, it's the start of another bloody argument and something that's going to upset me even more.

i am utterly fucking terrified that she's going to leave and i'm goign to lose my little boy. as i said to her, we're his whole world, so just keeping on calling me a fuicking twat is a great way to tear this apart, as i can't exactly respond to it reasonably.

oh, tomorrow at work is going to be fun, not knowing whether the family that i do actually love is going to have left by the time i get home.

and no. the idea of breaks really isn't one that any workplace i've been in recently has embraced, so i can't just slack off all day and relax. i have several thousand words worth of copy to write and knock into presentable shape before friday, as well as presenting 'critical path' documents, whatever teh hell they are.

so, mister urban dryad, exhausted, stressed, terrified of losing his son and wife, the incompetent fucking twat, apparently is finally saying goodnight, all.

night.

So sorry you are feeling so bad. This is a shitty time for you. I have nothing useful to say except that from her earlier posts, it does seem like your dw loves you a lot. Please try and get some sleep (hard, I know) and I hope that tomorrow is a better day for you all.

I read this thread with a good deal of sympathy for UD until MrUD seemed to imply that the tirade of abuse in the OP was for real - that 'fucking twat' really IS a term used face to face in an argument.

Is it just me, or does UD need to learn a more reasoned/reasonable way of getting her argument across?

I was sahm and can well remember the frustrations and sheer exhaustion. But I didn't resort to such abusive language.

In a few years' time UD will be on here saying 'DS called me a fucking twat - what can I do about his appalling behaviour'.

It's all learned by example...

right , well sleep isn't goign to happen any time soon, i think. too wired and scared still.

okay - so, i front of all you lot here's a commitement.

I'll do the bloody washing up in the evening very night. not just when she cooks but every night. if it's agreed that that's soemthing for me to do, i'll just do it, if it';ll help.

that doesn't mean it's all i'll do. i don't mean i'll just stop at that. but if it helps to say ill do that, i will.

i'll also try to get little dude settled int eh evenings too.

ud - i'll commit to this if you stop lashing out at me and insulting me when there's a problem and please also try not to shout at little dude when he's crying too.

i really want things to work and for us to be a good family.

i know you're missing your friends and that moving was probably a mistake, and i do feel liek a failure for nto being able to get a job that would have kept us where we were, but i had to get out of that other job as it really was a very bad situation.

we've gone out of the fryign pan into the fire, but hopefully the next stop is off the stove. i kept believing that if i worked hard things owudl get better, but me working hard is also driving us apart.

so - i'll do the wshing up. i can't promise i won't whinge about it occasionally, because, you know, no one likes it really, but it's no effort at all, really, when compared to what it would be like to break things up now.

now, everyone - be nice and friendly to UD. if you know her, drop her a line or a text and try to keep her cheerful. she does really need that. i can't bloody afford flowers until i get paid, and well... they're just flowers anyway.

so, to try to help, i've said all this, and am asking for her friends to give her some extra support right now.

thanks.

er... apologies for the crappy spelling. i tried to edit, bt that just made it worse. hope you can read this okay.

really, actually, goodnight now.

x

And agree that neither of you will swear in front of your son

Mr UD that truly is sad I was under the impression that it wasn't half as bad as was made out - but looks like it is

I am just down the road to you since you moved; I will make a conceted effort to meet UD and make friends.

I will CAT you UD and arrange something; sounds like you both need some friends at the moment.

Message withdrawn

That is true Doodle! Still feels like hell at the time though; until the next feeling like hell phase appears!

I think parents have something wired wrong - no sane person would choose to go through this!

FWIW Mister & Mrs, I (and I'm sure DH) can relate to this situation - virtually the same arguement has been had in our house at some point or another, including the fucking twat remarks from myself.

You both sound absolutely exhausted and a lack of communication isn't helping. Shouting isn't the answer and doesn't help. My DH slips into "I go out to work" mode occassionally and it takes me a while for him to actually understand how hard it is for a SAHM - I understand both sides of this arguement and I'm sure if you had some time to yourselves (minus DS), to talk properly, you would both be much clearer on things and more sympathetic to each others needs.

I'm not trying to be patronising, I have been there myself and I'm sure I will be again at some point in the future.

i heard UD say she works hard all day and doesnt get any recognition

i heard MrUD say that he works hard all day and doesn't get any recognition.

welccccccooooome to the wheeeel of martyrdommmmmmmm... a game of talking and no listening.... first on the buzzer...for 200 points the first to shout really loudly what a shit day they have had..

you both work hard
youboth do a hard job
youboth have different needs

i hear Mrud saying he needs some recognition for going to work

i hear UD saying she need recognition for staying at home

this just needs both of you to RECOGNISE this and when the kid is in bed

sit down and say "how was your day" to each other. and even when UD doesnt know people at MrUds office and couldnt give a shit that sheve broke the photocopier and that sandra didnt get the right coffee

and even when ud is saying he woudnt stop crying and his poo was yellow and he ate carrots

actively listen and remember that the benality of the others day is important to them

dr phil taught me everything i know

Custy put it better than me

v good post by Custy

God you poor things.
At least you are attending couples counselling (ok it's MN but same thing, or better)
Nobody sounds like a fcking twt to me from reading all this. You both sound fed up.
I would like to offer to come and do your washing up every night.

Does that help?

Well done for saying how you feel. Mr UD, no one is having a go at you but with a small child, you really can't expect the fact that you work to account for anything. I work, full time, and I don't clock off when I get home as I have a child (on my own). It's hard, but that's the way it is.

You work full time, your partner works full time in the home, you both have to do a lot of cooperating when you get home. That puts a huge strain on everyone.

Suggestion: you make a concerted effort to take control in the home and become as active a caregiver as Mrs UD (ie, learn where the essentials are, learn to put your son down, change him as soon as necessary etc); she learns to let you do things your way even if it means a few nights of extra crying while your son adapts.

You then both spend time together on the sofa having a laugh about how hard it is but looking forward to the weekend trip to the park or whatever gives you joy as a family.

hey there urban.give me a call

I'd like to nominate this thread for classic thread status, not because it's funny, tho it is in parts, but because it reflects the experience of so many parents.

I think you need to get your boy into his own room asap, and really make the effort to help him learn to settle himself. Our DS is 15 months - our lives are immeasurably better since we stopped having to go in to repeatedly settle him. It wasn't easy and maybe we were a bit lucky, but we definitely had just been prolonging his screaming. He's happier too.

Mrs UD, you're not going to give Mr UD confidence in his ability as a parent by calling him incompetent, and that's another vicious circle... Mr UD, dishes don't take very long, just think of it as one last push before you can have a justly deserved relax.

And Custy is so right with the competitive martyrdom thing.

This thread has made me so

Listening, and I mean really listening to each other, is a skill that I think most people need to work on.

Having said that, I think that MrUD is having a harder time than UD realises. I was a SAHM for a year, and whilst it was utterly exhausting and you never do get to switch off, at least you are there 100% of the time, watching your baby develop.

MrUD has no choice but to work. He's not enjoying it. And ultimately would love to be there more for his baby.

But he's not perfect (none of us are!), he then upsets UD by doing something wrong (or not doing it at all!), but then has to live in fear that that mistake may lead to him losing his wife and baby.
(Dramatic I know - but that's how some of MrUD's posts sounded last night.)

Sorry UD, I know you're having a hard time - but the way you speak to MrUD, IMHO, is uncalled for. I wouldn't accept being spoken to like that by anyone. It's just not on

I now work full time, and am a single parent. And believe me, not only am I exhausted after a day at work and then have to come home to all the things I used to have all day every day to do as a SAHM! But I only get to see ds for a couple of hours a day, when he's tired and grumpy.

So I can see exactly where MrUD is coming from. I miss out on the best bits. I have no choice. I have to work. I have seen both sides to this. And believe me, I'd rather be a SAHM any day. Some of us just don't have that choice. And when you're not enjoying your job, have limited choices, and miss your baby, it's 100 times worse. It's so so difficult.

I really hope you can find some time for each other amongst all of this and try to understand why you're both finding it so hard. Most of all though, I really hope you learn to communicate better. You both have valid points. But I'm not sure you're expressing them well, and most of all, I don't think either of you are really listening and taking it in. Shouting and calling each other nasty names doesn't help anybody

OK
They recognise each others jobs
appreciate each other more
fwiw, although dh has breaks, gets to finish a job he has started and gets a paycheck, I do feel lucky that I can organise my day the way I want.

ANYHOW

Maybe they both should lay off mn for awhile. It started off a bit funny, but then turned into

Communicate you guys!!! >