To think Dh is an incompetent fuckwit?

[theUrbanDryad]

So here's the scene in the Urban household tonight:

ds asleep in bed. we're trying to get him to settle without nursing at the moment, so dh is going up to settle him, in theory.

ds starts to cry. dh sits on his arse and stares at me gormlessly. i say, "Are you going up?" he says, "But I can't settle him." i say, "Well he's got to learn to settle without milk at some point."

dh goes upstairs. cue 5 minutes of screaming.

i decide i can't take it any more and go up. dh is standing up cuddling ds and saying, "he's wet through." WELL FUCKING CHANGE HIM THEN YOU FUCKING TWAT!!

i take over. get ds into clean nappy sleepsuit etc. by this time he's screamed himself hoarse and so does actually need a drink. won't take cup of water. won't take bottle of water (i know from bitter experience) so i have to nurse him. ds goes back to sleep. i try to leave. he wakes up and cries. repeat 15 times till i get frustrated and "touched out" and shout for dh to bring medised. while dh is crashing about looking for medised, ds falls asleep. dh shouts up stairs "Where's the medised?" i hiss down "Just leave it." dh persists "No, where is it?" i hiss "Just leave it the fuck alone!" "I need to know where it is!" "SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP."

AAAARRRRRGH!!

so i've cooked the dinner, settled the baby, made the bread. settled the baby again. and again. and again.

why oh why oh why is my dh such an enormous knob? it's not just him is it? there are other men like him out there?

This sounds like my DH (who I love to bits) but OMG he can be annoying sometimes.

If I give him very precise instructions he will follow them to the letter - so if I say "please feed DS" he will . If I then come back to a big stinky nappy DH will say "oh, you didn't ask me to change his nappy as well".

Can you find a babysitter and get one night a week/month to just be husband and wife??

Or set aside one night a week with no computer/tv, nice dinner/takeaway, bottle of wine and just be a couple?

I say this as someone whose marriage did get lost in amongst family life and is now a single parent. It sounds like there is a marriage worth saving and you owe it to yourselves and your son to bring back the love and kindness

And regular physical contact is important. Not sex necessarily, just a cuddle, holding hands, sitting on sofa together, it's amazing how just a hug can bring the husband/wife bonding back

There is absolutely a marriage worth saving - we cal all see that, so there IS hope.

UD, I have your hotmail address from our last few messages - may I use it again to contact you? (please feel free to tell me to bugger off!)

Have you been able to get out the house or for any chilling time (with or without DS) since the move?

Moving is stressful, having a baby is stressful - but there is a way through this; you both clearly love eachother still, you are just losing things in translation so to speak

UD - we spoke many moons ago in the bar/teashop.

you and mrUD could be me and dh. we have had those exact same conversations and well, the beat goes on...

i only lurk v occasionally on mn now due to hard core technology ishoos but send you my love, sympathy and friendship.

UD - If the baby is crying and needs changing, make a conscious effort to let your shoulders relax and your jaw go slack. Then say 'I'll leave you to change him, ok?', and retreat.

By stepping in you : compounded your view of DH's incompetence, compounded his view that you don't trust or appreciate what he tries to do, and 'proved' that he had 'failed' whilst upping the ante on your own exhausted martyrdom.

Sorry - but that's what I thought when I read the OP. But believe me, i have sympathy - with you both, and believe me, i have been that shrieking haridan..ooooooh yes!

Otherwise, I agree with Custy - and wish you luck!

I agree with blu, DP always gets pissed off if I 'take over', it makes him feel incompetent, which in turn makes him act incompetent iyswim.

I too make an conscious effort to take a step back and let my dh do more than he would if I jumped up every time (not saying you are jumping up).

I will not be made to feel guilty about it either, especially from my dh's parents who firmly believe its the little womans work to do the childcare.

I am a militant old bag and I don't care,

I too make an conscious effort to take a step back and let my dh do more than he would if I jumped up every time (not saying you are jumping up).

I will not be made to feel guilty about it either, especially from my dh's parents who firmly believe its the little womans work to do the childcare.

I am a militant old bag and I don't care,

Sorry, I'm repeating myself.

how old is your son? only I HATED dh when dd1 and dd2 were small and knackering in the way that children are

and vice versa I am sure

hang on in there, it does get better

what worked for me was pretending that dh was a stranger/someone I worked with/my boss - basically someone I had to be polite to

so instead of saying WELL FFS I DON'T GIVE A SHIT IF YOUR DAY WAS SHIT MINE WAS SHIT ALSO blah blah blah

I said "oh really? hmmmmm..." when he wafffled on when really I just wanted him to SHUT THE FUCK UP so I could get some peace and quiet

then he would go into shock and surprise at me being nice and say "er, oh, thanks for that. Erm how was your day?" and so the evening would carry on

first 2 years were HARD WORK in this house, is lovely and Mills & Boon-esque now

xx

Last few posts about 'taking over' are spot on. Give us space and a bit of credit and we will get the job done.

Having said that, for us there are times when it's time for the other person to take over, usually when DS is ill or unusually distraught. That's when one of us will come and hover at the door waiting to be waved in by whoever has been screamed at for half an hour! Sometimes Dad just isn't going to cut it (and vice versa)... that's when we need rescuing, but we like it to be on our terms

dh says that work is stressful, then he comes home and its stressful too.

I think if you send him up to do a job you do have to kind of leave him to make his own cock ups. I made a mistake when ds1 was small of flipping when dh put him in clothes that were obviously too small. And for years afterwards he was really reluctant to get any of them dressed. He still wants me to get the clothes out for him- and its 8 years later. I often leave him to it - but then have to be careful not to roll my eyes and swear when I come into find ds2 wearing ds3's t-shirt.

Do you think perhaps we should now give Mr & Mrs UD a bit of privacy and quitetime to reflect on things. I can't see how all of this is helping them really.

Soapbox we are all empathising We're hardly beating down their front door with well meaning advice, nor peering voyeuristically into their windows to see if they're arguing or not. People are obviously coming across this thread for the first time every time it's bumped and wanting to add their thoughts because they've been there. Mr & Mrs UD are not compelled to hover over the thread more than they want to as I'm sure they know.

(Fio.. what stuff??! LOL.. there you are apologsing profusely and I don't even know what you're on about - which is me being a daft cow I'm sure.. sleep deprivation as aforementinoed .. and glad you're speaking to me after I inadvertantly slagged off your pram the other day... )

Hi just sent you an email I'm around at the weekend if you want a breather happy to babysit for a few hours if you guys want some sleep if not come up to ours and at least you can slob out and look at the washing up that hasn't been done in our house! ANd dd can run around after your little one!

AH! Yes of course!! I told him about it and he was very pleased! Thank you again x

Thanks everyone.

the offers there if you need it just ask.