To think Dh is an incompetent fuckwit?

[theUrbanDryad]

So here's the scene in the Urban household tonight:

ds asleep in bed. we're trying to get him to settle without nursing at the moment, so dh is going up to settle him, in theory.

ds starts to cry. dh sits on his arse and stares at me gormlessly. i say, "Are you going up?" he says, "But I can't settle him." i say, "Well he's got to learn to settle without milk at some point."

dh goes upstairs. cue 5 minutes of screaming.

i decide i can't take it any more and go up. dh is standing up cuddling ds and saying, "he's wet through." WELL FUCKING CHANGE HIM THEN YOU FUCKING TWAT!!

i take over. get ds into clean nappy sleepsuit etc. by this time he's screamed himself hoarse and so does actually need a drink. won't take cup of water. won't take bottle of water (i know from bitter experience) so i have to nurse him. ds goes back to sleep. i try to leave. he wakes up and cries. repeat 15 times till i get frustrated and "touched out" and shout for dh to bring medised. while dh is crashing about looking for medised, ds falls asleep. dh shouts up stairs "Where's the medised?" i hiss down "Just leave it." dh persists "No, where is it?" i hiss "Just leave it the fuck alone!" "I need to know where it is!" "SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP."

AAAARRRRRGH!!

so i've cooked the dinner, settled the baby, made the bread. settled the baby again. and again. and again.

why oh why oh why is my dh such an enormous knob? it's not just him is it? there are other men like him out there?

hi mr urban. Met mrs urban and baby urban monday. Baby urban is lovely. Likes his cuddles doesnt he! Hope you two ok. Give mrs urban big hug for me. You are a lovely family and its just tiredness that makes you argue. My dh is a fuckwit all the time. He has no excuses! Big big kisses to baby urban

Oh God can so relate to this thread... Takes me back to when ds2 was a baby and ds1 only 2 and dp and I were at each other's throats and I tried to leave at one point but only got as far as down the road when I realised (a) it was lunchtime and I was hungry and (b) I didn't have any money on me

It's a flipping nightmare when you're that knackered. Is there any way you can plan ahead a bit more to have any time together alone - a half day's leave for Mr UD while someone looks after ds, or even a night away??! I find obsessing planning time for me and dp gets me through the hours/days/weeks/months...

(and I'd be thinking about changing the co-sleeping and letting Mr UD do a couple of feeds as well but I'm like that...)

Good luck and thinking of you (both)

Sorry haven't read whole thread. Sounds to me like baby not ready to give up the breast. Personally I'd rather have an easy life and continue bf. My ds was over 4 yo by the time he really stopped. It didn't inconvenience me as he gave up v gradually.
Has great relationship with his dad btw.

If a child is ready to give up bf and you want to as well, then fine. But if child not ready, is it really worth the hassle forcing it? It does tail off on its own.

Oh I well remember the hellish snappiness of me and dh when dd was little. Honestly, please please believe that it will get better.

Sorry...haven't read whole thing...was laughing too much.......reminded me of my own domestic bliss............I think it's all men lol...I had to train my DH....only taken a year and he still stands there holding DD with that totally cluelss expression, bless him. We've had a number of arguments over babycare/organisation skills/being lame.....doesn't everyone? Especially with the first?

it finally all makes sence.... i never looked at it this way....
MENtal illness, MENstural cramps, MENtal breakdown,MENopause, GUYnocologistand when we have real trouble its HISterectomy, ever noticed how all womens problems start with f*ing MEN!!!!!!

Harsh Jellybean........very funny.........but harsh. Shame on you.......bad girl!

First of all, to anyone who thinks it's inappropriate to air this out on MN, I don't agree. I think it's far more sensible than what dh and I did once and storm down to HIS PARENTS' HOUSE to finish a row when ds1 was 9 months old! I overheard dh complaining about me to his Mum and so I stormed down there to tell her exactly what I thought of her precious son, he stormed after me and we ended up airing a bunch of grievances at the IL's kitchen table! To be fair to MIL, she mostly told dh that I was right! In our case we both worked FT and I felt that I was still being given most of the parenting and housework to do, when before we married we had explicitly agreed that housework would be shared 50:50 I think this can be just as contentious as SAHM vs WOTH dh.
First off, the house will not fall down if the dishes are not done but if it is such a bone of contention, my advice is do the dishes together. One wash, the other dry, it takes half the time and you both get to sit down after.
As for the baby. You will get one person coming on here telling you to give formula, another telling you not to co-sleep and so on. With my ds3 who was a total boob-monster, I found that the dreaded controlled crying was the only thing that worked. It wasn't as cruel as we thought it would be; within two nights he was settling nicely to sleep at 9pm. We still let him into our bed in the small hours of the morning but by then we had both gotten some "us" time and I could put him on the boob again and we could all go back to sleep. I know it's not for everyone but you don't have to go all Claire Verity about it, the crucial time for us was that 9pm - 2pm slot of sleep, once we had that, we weren't too bothered about whether he was in our bed or not.
One advantage I have is that I work Saturdays and dh doesn't so he looks after all 3 of the boys on Saturday by himself. This means that he has to be hands-on with the boys and I have to let him get on with it! Would this be feasible for you, UD? I don't mean every Saturday but if you did 2 a month, it might bring in some cash and give MrUD some Daddy-time with his ds. Just a thought, feel free to shoot me if you never want to see a PD-rule again!
Oh, and we all know you're NOT going to leave MN, you can't do without us!

brings back memories....Ah..this too shall pass!
best of luck x

Not been back here in the last 24 hours, but in that time I have reflected on times like this in the past...dd's mum was great at most of the stuff with dd when as young, and some of it she was rubbish at, and said so.
I was always trying to justify my role in dd's care, even when I didn't have one specifically. Dd's mum never bathed her, as she was scared of dropping/drowning her. I did all of those things. She was also unsure of nappy changing in case she hurt dd/made nappy too tight etc..I did this when there.

IME, have agreed roles in care for little ones, and not some "equal shared-care" for everything. That just doesn't work.

Chipmonkey is right. Great post.

SO many of us have been there. I have at times fantasised about having to go into hospital for a couple of days (I appreciate that fantasy only works if you have bupa). Still trying to work out what I could have that would enable me to rest up for a few days in cushy hospital, would be acceptable to work as an excuse for not going in, but didn't hurt. Have only come up with total mental breakdown so far, but hey! that works for me! I dream on....

squiffy - sometimes things are so bad, you have that fantasy when you know the only option is NHS

hope the UDs sort things out, they both seem lovely, caring, kind people who are bone-achingly knackered

I fantasise about going to prison where I would be free, free at last.

Me too! A nice prison where I would get my own little room and a radio - yes, solitary confinement, bring it on. I would sit on the bed and maybe get a chance to do my sewing - bliss

btw I agree with chipmonkey and others - your argument is totally normal, you are not wrong to air it and you can and will get through this fine. I know it's not right UD but I have called my DP some choice things in my time. Forgive yourselves and keep talking.

Am flabberghasted that a couple in the same house have had a row (a v public one) via computer.

But actually reading it, MN seemed like a really good row aid to me. You get to write things down, you get thoughtful comments and support along the way, you can even look back over what you said and see where you went a bit OTT. (Me and DP are always having rows where we say "You did say that! You DID!!! I wish I had a tape recorder...")

Sometimes having a rant on MN might help - letting off steam and all that. When me & DH were going through a difficult patch (the 'welcome to parenthood' bit) I did think we were the only ones who hadn't chanced upon baby bliss - but talking about it with others helps you realise that everyone's probably been through the same wall and it's usually a phase and not to seek divorce lawyers straight away

That's exactly how I feel NDP.

NDP and Blossomhill, what I can't believe is that you both think commenting on how flabbergasted you feel is helpful. That's hardly going to make Mr&Mrs UD feel supported is it??! It obviously wasn't planned or staged and came about after them both reaching crisis point in a situation where they've been struggling and are exhausted.

Hopefully they'll be able to make good use of some of the helpful advice on the thread, and also feel encouraged that so many of us have been through it and come out the other side.

If this thread means they are able to make some positive changes that help them both to cope a little better than they have been, then the fact that you are both so disturbed by their public argument won't really matter very much.

Here wa I thining I was the only person who fantasised about being hopitalised to get a night's rest...

it's a wonder we're all still alive, frankly