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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Arguments over the spare room

375 replies

Met82 · 02/11/2022 16:46

Would like to get everyone’s opinion on this.
So me and my husband have been together 15 years, married 5 and living together for 10.

We both have a child to a previous relationship however until recent we all lived under the same roof with no issues.

Problem has came up. My son who is the oldest of the two kids (25) officially moved out 3 months ago and in with his girlfriend into their first flat. He has been staying 5 days out of 7 at hers for the last 2 years anyway but this new flat its officially theirs and he has moved all his belongings out.

My husband wants his girl who is 17 to now move into the bigger room (what was previously my sons room) as she currently has the small room to herself.

He appears to have agreed this without ever running it by me first and assumed there would be no issues. His argument is simply that my son moved out 3 months ago and the room is sitting empty so sees no issues in it. He did say that of course there is always a room/bed for my son should anything ever change however he thinks that should be the small room. On the odd occasion my son visits and decides to stay over he thinks it should be in the small room.

Im 100% against this. My son has only just moved out 3 months ago and although my fingers are crossed that everything works out fine for them what if it doesn’t and he has to move back in. I don’t want him feeling that his room is no longer there.

Am I being completely unreasonable as I don’t think I am however my husband seems really angry that this is even being discussed.

Help

OP posts:
hippydyegirl · 02/11/2022 17:41

U are being unreasonable. He had moved out. It's interesting we are all saying the same thing, u know we are right and so have disappeared

imnotthatkindofmum · 02/11/2022 17:41

My niece has gone to uni. Do not even permanently moved out! Her brother moved into her (bigger) room the next day. She has come home once already and had to sleep in his old room.

She's not bothered because it makes sense! I'm sure your son will understand!

babyfrenchie · 02/11/2022 17:42

He's 25! No need to hang onto that room!

EVHead · 02/11/2022 17:44

When I moved into a student flat aged 18 my DB got my bedroom as it was bigger. I came home during all of the uni holidays for four years and slept in the smaller bedroom. Made perfect sense.

YABU.

KettrickenSmiled · 02/11/2022 17:46

Im 100% against this. My son has only just moved out 3 months ago and although my fingers are crossed that everything works out fine for them what if it doesn’t and he has to move back in. I don’t want him feeling that his room is no longer there.

If your son's relationship ends, & he decides he wants to come home for a while, you can discuss room allocation then, surely?

Why are you so insistent that your DSS, who has had the smaller room for 10 years, should have to stay in it while the larger room remains empty? Can you genuinely not see how unreasonable & unfair you are being toward her?

"Sorry DSS, you can't change rooms now your stepbrother has left home, because I am keeping his room as a shrine to him. You are FAR less important than him, & must stay in the small room forever, just in case he comes home again one day. Also - there are some ashes that need sweeping up from the hearth, & we are attending a ball tonight but you are not invited."

You are so unreasonable I wonder if this is real. Or a reverse.

UniversalAunt · 02/11/2022 17:46

You say that your son is 25yo & has now formally moved in with his long standing partner who he has lived with 5/7 nights pw for some time.

He has left home.
If they split which looks unlikely as they have taken things slowly, he won’t want to move back into his own room at home.

‘I don’t want him feeling that his room is no longer there.’

Have you shared this concern with your 25yo adult son?
If he does want to keep his old room, I suggest that you charge him rent.

bewarethetides · 02/11/2022 17:46

You're being an arse. Apologise and offer to help make the room nice for her.

Belindabelle · 02/11/2022 17:47

When DS1 (24) moved out earlier this year, DS2 (17) had the paint charts out the same day. The room (with en suite) was refurbished within a week and DS2 is delighted to finally have that room.

I was fine with it, DH was fine with it and DS1 was chuffed for his wee brother. He knows if he has to move back here for whatever reason he will always be made welcome but he will be in the smaller room without the ensuite.

Drfosters · 02/11/2022 17:47

When my husband finished uni and said he was to not moving back home his younger brother moved into his room within the hour! I was the younger sibling of the family and by the time we were 18 we had similar sized rooms so the point was moot for us but I assure you if my brother had had the bigger room I would have taken it in a heartbeat.

KettrickenSmiled · 02/11/2022 17:47

Am I being completely unreasonable as I don’t think I am however my husband seems really angry that this is even being discussed.

Of course he's fucking angry you loon.
You've just told him that your son is far more important than his daughter.

Mummy2mybear · 02/11/2022 17:47

YABU

pinkyredrose · 02/11/2022 17:49

You want the large room sitting empty in case your son wants to move back? YABU.

Lotusmonster · 02/11/2022 17:49

Of course the girl should get the larger room if she’s there!

BooksAreSaferThanPeople · 02/11/2022 17:49

I don't think OP is coming back.

blueshoes · 02/11/2022 17:51

OP, who owns the house? I ask because you seem to be acting as if it is in your sole name.

Confusion101 · 02/11/2022 17:51

BooksAreSaferThanPeople · 02/11/2022 17:49

I don't think OP is coming back.

Hopefully she's gone to help DSD move her belongings 😜

ParentallyUnprepared · 02/11/2022 17:53

I bet his sheet wouldn't have even been cold yet if it was your daughter and your stepson

Ponoka7 · 02/11/2022 17:54

As said, she should have been given the bigger room two years ago. You've really favoured your own child on this issue. You've lived with your SDD since she was two, yet describe her as his girl. I hope he's made a will to protect his DD.

HanSB · 02/11/2022 17:55

I fail to see your logic in this. Be happy that your adult son has moved out and is settled in a place of his own with his girlfriend. Of course there should be no question that the bigger room should now go to your stepdaughter if she wants to move to it. Priority should be to those living in the house. Your son is no longer resident there anymore, he has his own place.

pumpkinelvis · 02/11/2022 17:55

Yabu. He's 25, let him be an adult. Would you be against it if it was your own dd who wanted the bigger room and not dsd? When I was planning to move out my siblings drew straws about a month before I left. It's normal to do this and I think you're making this territorial.

Coffeetree · 02/11/2022 17:58

25!

When I was 25 visiting my parents meant sleeping on the sofa.

theemmadilemma · 02/11/2022 17:58

YABU.

The minute one of us sisters (3) moved out, we all moved up a bedroom. There was no keeping the best room. If you moved back it was into the smallest.

Icantthinkwhat · 02/11/2022 17:59

I am a mum and a stepmother. I actually offered the larger room to my step son when my daughter moved out ..

It's a bit different if they are just gone to Uni because they return for long periods but absolutely not the same in your case . Your SD should definitely have the larger room.. she's still
There and at an age where friends sleep over regularly.. so needs the space .

YABVU

Winemeup · 02/11/2022 17:59

You are being totally unreasonable, selfish and bloody bonkers!

You say your husband “seems upset”, so you aren’t even prepared to accept that he is upset. Despite everyone saying you are being unreasonable, I feel you are the type of person who will go ahead and do their own thing anyway! Get a grip!

SerenaTee · 02/11/2022 17:59

Well if your intention is to make it very clear that your son is the golden child and your SD is the second class offspring, crack on with your preference.