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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Granddaughter's family taking advantage? Annual visits funded by me!

278 replies

ParsleyorCoriander · 02/11/2022 14:42

Name changed as this is rather personal. Please help me with my dilemma!

I have an 8 y.o. granddaughter ('Alice') who lives with her mum and extended family abroad. My son/her father has limited contact (complex reasons) but I am paying financial support on his behalf and visit 2-3 times a year (staying in hotels - they would not have room to host me). I get on well with Alice on a 121 basis and spend a lot of time together when I’m visiting.

This year I paid for her and her mum to visit me for a month. I paid for flights, transportation, food and eating out, excursions, everything, and they stayed at my house. In total it cost me over £3000. All this was accepted with good grace by her mum, but barely a thank you. She also made very little effort to interact.

I have always noticed signs of Alice being spoiled. This became blatantly obvious during their stay. Wherever we went she asked for and was invariably bought ‘stuff’. Lots of cuddly toys, books, games, plus trinkets and plastic tat. Food would be ordered and she often barely touched it, without remonstration from her mum. Her mum also lets her get away with being moody and borderline rude, such as ignoring questions, whining/moaning/whinging and not saying please/thank you. Her mother also spent serious money on stuff for herself - but offered to pay for a meal just once.

I love my granddaughter dearly and most of the time she is absolutely lovely but all this has left a somewhat sour note. Her mum keeps talking about “when we come next summer…” and has said that she expects these visits to become a yearly event, with me clearly expected to fund it. What is more, her mum and dad have stated they want to come too! I'm not sure how they are going to fund this trip as they are not very well off.

Yes, I could theoretically afford these visits, but we’d be talking several thousands each year. Ultimately it would mean that I’d be taking money away from my own DC and other potential grandchildren they might have. Also, I'm not sure I would be comfortable on an emotional level to host them every year as we have very little in common.

I feel uncomfortable and that I'm being taken advantage of, and that I need to say something now to manage future expectations. I’m a natural unassertive, conflict avoidant people pleaser and this is causing me a great deal of anxiety. How would you handle this?

OP posts:
MyRiverThee · 02/11/2022 17:58

I can’t believe people think the mum should send her daughter to visit OP on her own. She’s 8 and only sees this woman a couple of times a year. The fact OP suggested it to her mum is shocking.

And OP calling her granddaughter spoiled, maybe she was getting lots of treats because they were on holiday.

If I was the mum and read this, I’d be avoiding any contact with you.

Jessica60 · 02/11/2022 18:01

You are the grandmother who wants the relationship. Believe me I'm the mother in this situation and I travel far to so my child can see gran. I don't take advantage and offer to pay for meals, gran insists on paying travel costs. She usually pays for us all to holiday somewhere, so it's a break for her too. You don't have to go out for meals all the time. Book an all inclusive for the three of you, entertainment and food. As the mother, I really really don't want to be using my precious time off work to visit gran but am doing it for my child. I actually dread going. Its may be a free trip but it feels like a chore with the main aim being my child is happy and a relationship is maintained. When my child is older enough they can then make their own decision if they want to still see gran but I will know I do all I could as a parent to facilitate this. There is no way I could afford the travelling costs. Gran has been told she is welcome to visit anytime but prefers meeting usually at holiday destinations where we all have our own space.
I definitely would not being inviting my extended family and expect them to stay with you but I may ask them to fund their own flights and hotel. I have considered this before as sometimes the mother may need some moral support or extra help with her child. 4 weeks is a long time.

Jessica60 · 02/11/2022 18:02

OP would you consider an all inclusive type holiday? As mentioned in my previous post

Peashoots · 02/11/2022 18:03

The simple solution here is, you visit Alice. Book a flight and a hotel, go on your own terms and spend quality time with her in their own country:
ho retry, in slices mums situation, I wouldn’t be thousands out of pocket to facilitate this relationship either. I think this is one of those rare occasions where neither of you are being unreasonable.

sjxoxo · 02/11/2022 18:04

You’re fretting about a maybe visit that’s over a year away. You don’t need to say anything. When or IF she brings up the trip and wants to book etc in a years time, say you’re sorry but you can’t at the moment.
Youre under no obligation. You are better to go and see her and them not come to you.

I do agree with pp that your son is a huge issue in this. You are essentially making up for his behaviour- all of this should be being organised by her dad really. Instead you are doing it. I would think your ex DIL feels somewhat that your family owe her some help and tbh if your son is as useless as he sounds, I think you do. I’m not sure I’d make this effort for my MIL to see my child if my DH abandoned all sense of responsibility. Good luck xx

Hadtocomment · 02/11/2022 18:08

I haven't read all the answers sorry so this might be irrelevant. I don't think you sound totally reasonable to be honest. If your son and Alice's mum were still together you'd be seeing Alice with Alice's mum. You can't expect to see Alice for a month at a time without her mum around. How do you know Alice even wants to do this? I'm also not clear you are being taken advantage of. It's not clear what financial help Alice's maternal side get and they are doing all the raising and looking after. You say some of the extended family are doing all the raising - do you really think that 3k is that much in comparison to that level of input and commitment? (I don't mean that to get at you OP, i just mean you are talking about people doing huge amoutns of work to raise your granddaughter in a way I'd find pretty offensive if I was them.)

How are they taking advantage of you? I don't get it. If you offered all these trips and expenses, I don't really see why that is the mother taking advantage. Can she even afford those things and did you ever discuss it before going? Is she expected to sit out on everything whilst you treat Alice? That sounds very odd. Does the mother want to bring Alice to stay at yours for a whole month at a time? Added in are lots of observations about spoiling which sound like a different topic entirely and could be fair or not fair, noone can know. It's also unclear what cultural expectations might be in terms of hosting. How is it when you go there? Who pays then?

I think it's unreasonable to think you can just have some sort of relationship with just Alice and see her without her mum when they live so far away. The fact you don't really feel that comfortable with her mum seems to me to be the major issue. But that could be the case whether or not Alice's parents were split up. I think the complaints about money in relation to your hyperthetical future grandchildren missing out does sound a bit churlish. I don't really see why Alice's mum should have to act so grateful either when perhaps she is dutifully bringing the granddaughter to see you and as her relationship with you isn't the easiest it can't be easy for her either.

I haven't read whether or not the mother can afford to actually come over/flights etc. I'd say it's easy enough to say that it can't be yearly or that you can pay for Alice or Alice and mum but not extended family. Perhaps making it a fortnight rather than a month will mean you will find it easier to spend time with A's mum and also be a lot cheaper?

My suggestion is to try and find more common ground with Alice's mum and family somehow. If you don't totally "get on" at least try and find some areas that you can feel you respect or admire about them. Maybe go there to visit if that seems fairer to you. But bear in mind that maybe they are also going out of their way to facilitate your continuing relationship with your granddaughter and doing all the bringing up which is a lot and also expensive isn't it? I think that needs a bit of acknowledgement as well.

NoPrivateSpy · 02/11/2022 18:09

I would also suck up for the sake of the relationship and the fact that your DIL probably feels like she deserves a free holiday considering her former partner is nowhere to be seen.

Maybe reduce the duration of the stay to 2 weeks? Definitely don't include the PIL either.

luxxlisbon · 02/11/2022 18:11

HTH1 · 02/11/2022 17:56

Being totally honest, I think DIL probably only agrees to the trips because they are free holidays and include her too (she doesn’t get on with you and likely feels very hard done by because of your son). There is no way she will send her DD to you as she is too protective and would get nothing out of that arrangement, and she probably doesn’t want you to visit them where they are as that is no holiday for them.

Personally, I would suck it up to keep the relationship going but would not extend the invitation to the in laws.

Well given the granddaughters mum has been to the OP once in the whole 8 years this is a load of rubbish.

Jessica60 · 02/11/2022 18:11

Buteverythingsfine · 02/11/2022 17:23

This thread has left a nasty taste in the mouth. Why is the single parent who is doing all the parenting, and facilitating a LOT of contact with a grandma on the other side of the world, both hosting and travelling, being criticized as a freeloader, seeing you as a cash cow. I don't see it myself. If she's a teacher, then she's not massively impoverished, but is probably time-poor and a bit frazzled, personally I would find hosting three trips from my MIL and spending a month a year with her far too much for me.

I would take this thread down. If she gets wind that you feel resentful about her presence, don't really get on with her, think she spoils her child (nothing weird about their money use really) and are using her as a cash cow then she will simply bother to facilitate contact no longer. I wouldn't. I find it hard to keep up contact as it is.

Presumably, they did not ask you for maintenance, they just send it. My MIL sends me money I didn't ask for, precisely because she's sorry her son isn't there to do so. I accept it, but I don't ask for it and use it to improve mine and the children's lives. Nothing is required in return and if she judges how I use it, luckily I don't know.

These type of long-distance relationships rest on a delicate balance, and ultimately they can easily just stop bothering and that would be that. Implying they are freeloaders a whole year in advance is really rude, and I suspect the suggestion of parents too is to make it a more fun trip for mum who is giving up 4 weeks of her holiday to hang out with you.

Totally agree with this post.

Anoooshka · 02/11/2022 18:12

Did you get to see Alice by herself when she came to you in the summer, or was her mum with you all the time? Do you get more quality time with her when you go to visit them? If so, I'd just stick to going out there until Alice is older and able to travel to visit you on her own.

Navyandgolden · 02/11/2022 18:13

Its a bit of a difficult situation. Do you pay maintenance for Alice and the trips are on top?

Your son has issues affecting him but him being a totally absent father has an impact on DIL's life. If i split up with DH i wouldnt be visiting MIL for a month at a time if it was going to cost me, especially if money was tight. I can see how its hard on you but your DIL seems to be quite decent in that she has you over and she comes over so you can maintain the relationship. I dont think she is being unreasonable in not letting her 8 year old travel across the world unaccompanied to see someone she sees three times a year.

The circumstances make the situation very hard but whilst i dont think you should pay for the Grandparents, if you want Alice and by extention her mum to visit, I think you will need to pay for it. The alternative is that you say the trips are too much for you and you will do the visiting. If you want Alice to be allowed to fly over herself as she gets older id think you would want a half decent relationship with the mother or id be astounded if she let her.

This might sound harsh but trying to see it from both points of view. You are being hugely generous but i dont think DIL is in the wrong.

Newnameoclock · 02/11/2022 18:16

Is your son in prison? I've not read the full thread but it would make sense why he categorically cannot be involved.

I think until the child is old enough to travel independently you need to do the visits with video calls in-between. It seems the sensible solution all round.

Navyandgolden · 02/11/2022 18:16

@Buteverythingsfine completely agree

Peashoots · 02/11/2022 18:19

Newnameoclock · 02/11/2022 18:16

Is your son in prison? I've not read the full thread but it would make sense why he categorically cannot be involved.

I think until the child is old enough to travel independently you need to do the visits with video calls in-between. It seems the sensible solution all round.

I don’t think the OP will disclose why he won’t be involved. I suspect if he was in a coma as has been suggested here, she would have said. I feel like the OP is deliberately not saying the issue as it may conjure up sympathy for Alice’s mum.

Newnameoclock · 02/11/2022 18:23

@Peashoots that's why I suspect he's in prison and probably for quite serious reasons to be at this degree of estrangement

Peashoots · 02/11/2022 18:24

Newnameoclock · 02/11/2022 18:23

@Peashoots that's why I suspect he's in prison and probably for quite serious reasons to be at this degree of estrangement

I tend to agree.

Notallislost · 02/11/2022 18:30

I'd just mention next time it's brought up in conversation that you'd have to see what dates are available next year because you had a holiday and weekends away planned for friends birthdays etc. Don't have to mention money at all, just say you might not be around much in the summer, maybe a week just.

Readmorebooks · 02/11/2022 18:35

Buteverythingsfine · 02/11/2022 17:23

This thread has left a nasty taste in the mouth. Why is the single parent who is doing all the parenting, and facilitating a LOT of contact with a grandma on the other side of the world, both hosting and travelling, being criticized as a freeloader, seeing you as a cash cow. I don't see it myself. If she's a teacher, then she's not massively impoverished, but is probably time-poor and a bit frazzled, personally I would find hosting three trips from my MIL and spending a month a year with her far too much for me.

I would take this thread down. If she gets wind that you feel resentful about her presence, don't really get on with her, think she spoils her child (nothing weird about their money use really) and are using her as a cash cow then she will simply bother to facilitate contact no longer. I wouldn't. I find it hard to keep up contact as it is.

Presumably, they did not ask you for maintenance, they just send it. My MIL sends me money I didn't ask for, precisely because she's sorry her son isn't there to do so. I accept it, but I don't ask for it and use it to improve mine and the children's lives. Nothing is required in return and if she judges how I use it, luckily I don't know.

These type of long-distance relationships rest on a delicate balance, and ultimately they can easily just stop bothering and that would be that. Implying they are freeloaders a whole year in advance is really rude, and I suspect the suggestion of parents too is to make it a more fun trip for mum who is giving up 4 weeks of her holiday to hang out with you.

100%.

SunshineLoving · 02/11/2022 18:35

If I was you, I would maintain the 2-3 visits a year to Alice's country. Even increase it if you can. Stay in a hotel and spend time with Alice, ideally on her own. If her mum insists on being present then so be it, at least you get to see Alice.

I would not 'do' any of the visits here. Don't host Alice's mum again and definitely don't host her parents. You're Alice's grandma and you want to see her, not her whole extended family and her mum who doesn't seem to be very nice to you. When Alice is older, she can come and stay with you here. For now, I would stick to seeing her in her own country.

Don't be taken advantage of again. I'm sure you had a good time with Alice when she did visit here but that can be a one-off memory for her mum. You don't need to repeat it for the sake of Alice's mum.

PortalooSunset · 02/11/2022 18:40

If you get on well with her other grandma could you maybe invite her and Alice instead of the mum? And make it clear they're welcome to stay with you (if they are) but that you won't be funding all/any of it.
I also think you shouldn't be leaving your son out of it - does he not want a relationship with his daughter?

PottyDottyDotPot · 02/11/2022 18:42

I really feel sorry for Alice’s mum, all this plotting to take her daughter away for a visit without her. How would you all feel if this was your daughter?

fairycakess · 02/11/2022 18:51

PortalooSunset · 02/11/2022 18:40

If you get on well with her other grandma could you maybe invite her and Alice instead of the mum? And make it clear they're welcome to stay with you (if they are) but that you won't be funding all/any of it.
I also think you shouldn't be leaving your son out of it - does he not want a relationship with his daughter?

What would you propose OP says to the mum? "Sorry I want granny to come with Alice instead of you"

albapunk · 02/11/2022 19:00

OP has kindly asked for her son not to be brought into the discussion. None of of know the actual, and potentially extremely valid reason he is no-contact and OP is paying for Alice on his behalf.

I don't think the OP is plotting anything, she simply wants to continue to see her granddaughter without the expectation that she funds absolutely everything.

PortalooSunset · 02/11/2022 19:00

fairycakess · 02/11/2022 18:51

What would you propose OP says to the mum? "Sorry I want granny to come with Alice instead of you"

Show quote history

I don't think it's any more of an awkward conversation than "I'm not paying for you to come over here and freeload off me for a month" is it?! Offer it as an option for Alice maybe?

orbitalcrisis · 02/11/2022 19:09

I would tell her that you'd love for her to come next year and insist on paying for Alice's flight. Ask them if they've thought about where they'll stay.