Granddaughter's family taking advantage? Annual visits funded by me!

[ParsleyorCoriander]

Name changed as this is rather personal. Please help me with my dilemma!

I have an 8 y.o. granddaughter ('Alice') who lives with her mum and extended family abroad. My son/her father has limited contact (complex reasons) but I am paying financial support on his behalf and visit 2-3 times a year (staying in hotels - they would not have room to host me). I get on well with Alice on a 121 basis and spend a lot of time together when I’m visiting.

This year I paid for her and her mum to visit me for a month. I paid for flights, transportation, food and eating out, excursions, everything, and they stayed at my house. In total it cost me over £3000. All this was accepted with good grace by her mum, but barely a thank you. She also made very little effort to interact.

I have always noticed signs of Alice being spoiled. This became blatantly obvious during their stay. Wherever we went she asked for and was invariably bought ‘stuff’. Lots of cuddly toys, books, games, plus trinkets and plastic tat. Food would be ordered and she often barely touched it, without remonstration from her mum. Her mum also lets her get away with being moody and borderline rude, such as ignoring questions, whining/moaning/whinging and not saying please/thank you. Her mother also spent serious money on stuff for herself - but offered to pay for a meal just once.

I love my granddaughter dearly and most of the time she is absolutely lovely but all this has left a somewhat sour note. Her mum keeps talking about “when we come next summer…” and has said that she expects these visits to become a yearly event, with me clearly expected to fund it. What is more, her mum and dad have stated they want to come too! I'm not sure how they are going to fund this trip as they are not very well off.

Yes, I could theoretically afford these visits, but we’d be talking several thousands each year. Ultimately it would mean that I’d be taking money away from my own DC and other potential grandchildren they might have. Also, I'm not sure I would be comfortable on an emotional level to host them every year as we have very little in common.

I feel uncomfortable and that I'm being taken advantage of, and that I need to say something now to manage future expectations. I’m a natural unassertive, conflict avoidant people pleaser and this is causing me a great deal of anxiety. How would you handle this?

This thread has left a nasty taste in the mouth. Why is the single parent who is doing all the parenting, and facilitating a LOT of contact with a grandma on the other side of the world, both hosting and travelling, being criticized as a freeloader, seeing you as a cash cow. I don't see it myself. If she's a teacher, then she's not massively impoverished, but is probably time-poor and a bit frazzled, personally I would find hosting three trips from my MIL and spending a month a year with her far too much for me.

I would take this thread down. If she gets wind that you feel resentful about her presence, don't really get on with her, think she spoils her child (nothing weird about their money use really) and are using her as a cash cow then she will simply bother to facilitate contact no longer. I wouldn't. I find it hard to keep up contact as it is.

Presumably, they did not ask you for maintenance, they just send it. My MIL sends me money I didn't ask for, precisely because she's sorry her son isn't there to do so. I accept it, but I don't ask for it and use it to improve mine and the children's lives. Nothing is required in return and if she judges how I use it, luckily I don't know.

These type of long-distance relationships rest on a delicate balance, and ultimately they can easily just stop bothering and that would be that. Implying they are freeloaders a whole year in advance is really rude, and I suspect the suggestion of parents too is to make it a more fun trip for mum who is giving up 4 weeks of her holiday to hang out with you.

Can you really not see that there may be a good reason? He could be in a coma. I think that would excuse him?!! Ffs

At least she's present and is facilitating relationships with GPS. That's a horrible thing to say about her.

It sounds like you are a lovely Grandmother. Well done for keeping your relationship with your GD in an obviously complex situation. Sorry you don't receive support from your son, I hope this can get better with time.

If you can afford it I would just pay for it and appreciate the time even if it is expected of you to pay. You never know if she gets to an age where she would prefer not to come or comes but prefers not to explore and spend as much time with you. In a few years she will have exams, studies, bf/gf, a job etc and you'll hopefully be glad that you did it whilst you could.

With regards to paying for her family I would just say either, "you're family are welcome to stay here, as soon as I book your flights I'll give you the details so they can book theirs to come with you if that's their plan'. Or "I won't be able to have your parents here to stay but can look into some Airbnb options if you'd like? Also as soon as I book your flights I'll give you the details so they can book theirs to come with you if that's their plan".

With regards to the spending whilst they're with you, maybe you could suggest some family nights in and late night wanders afterwards instead of meals? Setting expectations by saying I'd like to take us all out for dinner one night this week, shall we choose where we go together?

Could the mother come with alice and you pay the flights, then mother goes off by herself while you look after Alice 121? Could granny accompany her and stay with you?

I'm on the fence with your complaints, you could choose not to fork out so much. She might be less spoiled at home, it's easier to say yes often when you're away from home and a child is overwhelmed.

I wanted to post that you sound like a fantastic Grandma and Alice is lucky to have you in her life.
I hope you are able to find a way for the relationship to continue to flourush despite the difficulties

You've hit the nail with this. Outrageous the amount of hate towards the mum

If you prefer the company of Alice's other grandmother, and mention she does a lot of caring for Alice, could you perhaps invite the other grandmother as chaperone to Alice on her next visit to you?

If the mother/other family members want to join too, then suggest that they fund themselves.

‘As I've said, we have very little in common. Different cultures, different ways of interacting, different expectations. I get on quite well with Alice's other grandmother, but find it difficult to connect with her mother.I think I may need to find an opportunity to talk to the other grandmother on her own, although that's rarely possible.’

It seems to me @ParsleyorCoriander that you have an ally in Alice’s maternal grandmother. Do you speak the same language? might you email or speak on the phone as fellow mothers & grandmothers? After all, you have Alice in common.

Could you stay with Alice’s grandmother when you next visit?

If you could build rapport with Alice GM, then if she does come to London next year - hotel/home stay whatever - then you might find her an easier companion around town than Alice’s mum. Maybe in a year or so, Alice & her GM come to stay with you?

Reasonably, Alice would be in teens before flying global long haul solo, so before then Granny might like the trip?

Since Alice’s mom brought up the subject of bringing the grandparents, why not suggest next time only grandma and Alice come? Since you like grandma better anyway.

Plus, if the whole family came what would be the point of that? The point is having Alice in a more 121 basis than when you visit yourself. If you phrase it like that whether or not they agree with your reasoning, at least it doesn’t seem that it’s all about money

If you are also worried that you are spending too much on this grandchild, making it unequal for the other children, you could put the same money you spend on her aside for each of your children. Don’t need to tell them. Just an idea.

But he's still not being a parent though is he? Why all the vitriol for the mother?

I agree with this.

A lot of people think that if they pay for a trip similar then the recipient should be falling over themselves with constant gratitude and behave in a humble, accommodating way throughout. However reality isn't always that simple and often gifts, especially of things the recipient has to give up a lot of time to receive, are very much a double edged sword and not entirely freely given. The dgd's mother has to give up a month of freedom and spend 40+ hours flying with an 8 year old, plus all the airport and travel to the airport time, to receive this rather ambiguously given, somewhat resented "free holiday".

Not complaining about it is part of being grateful about the cards life has dealt, but a month of performative gratitude and trying to please and parent as expected by her daughter's grandmother might be a step to far.

This thread isn't about dad

DearDil, It was so lovely to see you and Alice this summer, it was wonderful to get to know you a little better. If you want to come next year and bring your parents I would love to see you all, but advise you to make sure you book and secure a B and B for you all well in advance as unfortunately suitable ones go very quickly. The same with your flights, if you book ahead you will get better prices. Let me know when you have sorted out your flights and accommodation, so I can arrange some days out for us all, much love Alice’s Granny

Judging by the deletions there's been vitriol somewhere

I think you need to move away from the issue of whether you can afford it. And not mention that. To be honest they have no idea of your incomings and outgoings but it seems to be a sticking point for you saying repeatedly that they know you can afford it. So you need a different reason.

It’s perfectly fine not to want to host for a month whether you can afford it or not. Especially as you feel like you are being taken advantage of.

I would have shut it down the minute it was mentioned though. ‘Oh no this isn’t an annual thing, just a one off trip’. Job done. You’ve allowed it to be discussed and planned without saying anything. So it will feel awkward now. Keep it simple I think.
’Unfortunately I won’t be able to host you every year but I will keep up with my regular visits to your country .’

Then work out when you are happy to have them again 4/5 years? Pay for flights but nothing else. Maybe the Mum could stay elsewhere for part of the trip. And keep it to 2-3 weeks rather than a month.

To be blunt though, I can’t think of anything worse than staying with my MIL for a month. Even all expenses paid. So do you think you are being harsh on the daughter? Is she sucking this up so you can have a relationship with your GD rather than being a freeloader? She should say thank you though. It’s really hard to work out the dynamics of 2 people who don’t like each other hanging out together for a month? I’ve had enough of my own parents who I love after about 3 days!!

The mum has a lot on her plate-single parenting due to the father’s absence, trying her best to facilitate the relationship between her daughter and GP- and she gets labelled cheeky fucker. And a wealthy person complaining about the cost of everything. If you genuinely can’t afford it, there is nothing wrong with saying that and having a discussion about how to build a relationship with your gd that’s more affordable for you. Your dil is giving up a month of her leave to facilitate this-and no way would I let my 8 year old fly around the world by herself. How about halving the length of visit-a month is a long time to stay and your gd may be missing her other granny, her routine and her friends-leading to behaviour you describe as spoilt. Maybe the DIL is biting her lip at the stress of being beholden to someone for an extended period of time and it comes across as ungrateful. Why not start a convo by saying you’re not sure if these kind of visits are the best thing for everyone. But try not to make it all about the money.

Well.. that’s your get-out clause.

until she’s old enough to travel on her own to you - and don’t forget the airlines have AMAZING services for unaccompanied children - then smile sweetly and say that you’re happy to keep coming to see her, as it’s much more economical to do it that way.

at the end of the day, they can expect all they like, you can just keep saying for them to let you pay for UM, they can’t afford to find it themselves and it suits you (and the environment) better to come and see her instead of flying lots of people around

just to get your own back on these entitled buggers, you could tell the child how much you’re looking forward to her being old enough to fly over herself, and just say the word and you’ll book it all… then let bratty mcBratsville pester the bejesus out of her parents … 😉

Surprised at these responses. Personally I wouldn’t be that keen at the idea of spending a month with in laws unless we were close (which doesn’t sound like this scenario). I think it’s pretty nice of the Mum to agree to come. I wouldn’t have that much leave to be able to do it! I also wouldn’t let my child go alone.

People saying stop paying maintenance but the OP sounds able to and personally I would want to support my grandchildren if I were able to- especially if my child wasn’t able to.

To me it sounds like the Mum is doing all the hard work and also trying hard to facilitate this contact despite the lack of support from her child’s father.

If you don’t want to pay then don’t but I don’t think you can expect the mum to pay. Perhaps she should be more grateful though. I don’t know- maybe she knows you don’t like her?

Actually. This is a good way to quietly put off a return visit to you.
And as others have said, for a shorter time. and just resume the visits you have to Alice as you have previously done until she's older. That would probably dampen the expectation, but you could have a clear answer in reserve if pressed.

Maybe the DIL didn’t want to fly across the world and give up a month’s leave to hang out with her MIL? And therefore struggled to appear grateful? But she did it for her daughter. Then thinks no way can I do that again, maybe if my parents come next time it will be easier.

Either way. You can just shut this down and say it’s easier for you to visit them and that’s what will happen for the next few years

You could use the cost of living crisis as a potential reason not to host.

I understand you are a people pleaser but unless you put your foot down, they will continue to take advantage leading to you feeling resentnent.

Honesty is best policy, be firm, direct and don't be manipulated and use a closed answer.

Just say no

The problem is, because you have taken over some of your sons responsibilities, its blurred the boundaries. Alice's mother is taking from you what she would otherwise have expected from your son, a precedent that was set when you generously took over the maintenance.
I think you need to gently point out to her that you are not doing these things in lieu of your son, but on your own behalf as a grandmother, and that you only feel its appropriate to do (whatever you are happy to).

Being totally honest, I think DIL probably only agrees to the trips because they are free holidays and include her too (she doesn’t get on with you and likely feels very hard done by because of your son). There is no way she will send her DD to you as she is too protective and would get nothing out of that arrangement, and she probably doesn’t want you to visit them where they are as that is no holiday for them.

Personally, I would suck it up to keep the relationship going but would not extend the invitation to the in laws.

Could they come for a shorter visit?

I think you need to just be honest with the mother.

Don't call her daughter spoilt but do say you felt unappreciated.