Granddaughter's family taking advantage? Annual visits funded by me!

[ParsleyorCoriander]

Name changed as this is rather personal. Please help me with my dilemma!

I have an 8 y.o. granddaughter ('Alice') who lives with her mum and extended family abroad. My son/her father has limited contact (complex reasons) but I am paying financial support on his behalf and visit 2-3 times a year (staying in hotels - they would not have room to host me). I get on well with Alice on a 121 basis and spend a lot of time together when I’m visiting.

This year I paid for her and her mum to visit me for a month. I paid for flights, transportation, food and eating out, excursions, everything, and they stayed at my house. In total it cost me over £3000. All this was accepted with good grace by her mum, but barely a thank you. She also made very little effort to interact.

I have always noticed signs of Alice being spoiled. This became blatantly obvious during their stay. Wherever we went she asked for and was invariably bought ‘stuff’. Lots of cuddly toys, books, games, plus trinkets and plastic tat. Food would be ordered and she often barely touched it, without remonstration from her mum. Her mum also lets her get away with being moody and borderline rude, such as ignoring questions, whining/moaning/whinging and not saying please/thank you. Her mother also spent serious money on stuff for herself - but offered to pay for a meal just once.

I love my granddaughter dearly and most of the time she is absolutely lovely but all this has left a somewhat sour note. Her mum keeps talking about “when we come next summer…” and has said that she expects these visits to become a yearly event, with me clearly expected to fund it. What is more, her mum and dad have stated they want to come too! I'm not sure how they are going to fund this trip as they are not very well off.

Yes, I could theoretically afford these visits, but we’d be talking several thousands each year. Ultimately it would mean that I’d be taking money away from my own DC and other potential grandchildren they might have. Also, I'm not sure I would be comfortable on an emotional level to host them every year as we have very little in common.

I feel uncomfortable and that I'm being taken advantage of, and that I need to say something now to manage future expectations. I’m a natural unassertive, conflict avoidant people pleaser and this is causing me a great deal of anxiety. How would you handle this?

FFS the girl is 8 years old. 8. All these ideas about her travelling on her own, or coming for a month with her other grandmother simply because OP doesn't much care for the mother are bloody ridiculous.

How many of you would happily wave your 8-year-old daughter off to spend several weeks on the other side of the world?

I work with people from all nationalities and it's not uncommon for their children to fly on their own, arranged with the airline, to visit family or the other parent etc. It's just not very typically British and probably not something I would do myself but it's not that ridiculous.

I think grandmother should continue to visit Alice and pay for Alice to come to visit her, but not fully subsidise the mother, or potentially make the visits 2 weeks instead of a month.

It's not common aged 8, not among my international friends and not long-haul. Sending a 12 year old to Grandma's in Italy for a week in the summer perhaps.

Thank you once again to all of those who have taken time to respond and help in a thoughtful and helpful manner. I am reading and taking note of everything, and I find it very helpful.

However, could I ask once again to PLEASE keep my son out of this. I am not going to explain what is going on with him, but please just take my word for it that it is way beyond him being 'useless'. I find all the speculation very distressing.

The issue is OP, that it’s relevant to the discussion and may affect the responses people give.
In any case, I do feel the onus is on you to go there to visit Alice. Your ex DIL owes you nothing.

It's not normal at all to send an 8 year old without older siblings accompanying on a 21 hour flight as an unaccompanied minor especially to visit the parent/s of a completely uninvolved, absent father.

I understand that you want to keep your son out of it, but he really is inextricably linked to the situation. You would get very different responses to this thread if you'd said that he is in a care home due to a TBI, compared to if he's in prison or can't be bothered and off somewhere with a new partner. The fact that you don't say what it is, even a general idea (e.g. serious health concern) means that most people suspect that it's one of the less noble reasons. And if your DIL has been messed about massively and left a single parent by your son then it adds a layer of complexity onto the situation.

8 is not too young to travel alone. Most airlines have UM (unaccompanied minor) facilities.

@albapunk I work with people from all nationalities and it's not uncommon for their children to fly on their own, arranged with the airline, to visit family or the other parent etc.

You don’t think it’s different flying to see your actual parent vs an 8 year old in an international airport, flying over 20 hours to a different country, with a near opposite time zone to see a paternal grandmother who has almost no relationship with the mother?

Notice OP hadn’t said DIL, or even son’s partner, it’s only “the mum”, hardly a close family relation.

Exactly this, refer to the cost of living crisis and explain you can't replicate the entertainment next year.

Just because it's available doesn't mean that a parent can't decide that 8 is too young for their child though.

I actually doubt any airline would even allow an 8 year old to do a 21hr flight one.
Most stagger the age relative to how long the flight is.

Honestly, I would say you would love to invite them all but you can't afford too however how would the other granny feel about accompanying Alice?.

I also totally agree with this post. I am struggling to understand the vitriol at a mother, who is willing to facilitate a relationship with her paternal grandmother, despite the child’s father not being involved. She is doing you a kindness op.

My dh’s family are abroad and I’d visit if possible for the sake of my dd and fil. If I were in this mother’s position, a teacher, not earning a massive amount, I’d not expect to pay for myself or my dd to visit them either.

If you don’t want this to be an annual visit, that is fine. I’d probably just say something like you weren’t anticipating this being annual as you went all out on the spending and don’t have the means to do it every year with all the trips you take to see your dgd. Then say perhaps you should postpone for a year or so to enable the other gps to save up for their visit.

If you show her any contempt regarding the visits or indicate she’s taking advantage of you, you risk losing contact with your dgd so I’d be very careful not to do this.

OP - it's irrelevant whether you can afford this or not.

I'd tell them you are not having any visitors at all next year - you have other plans and need a long break. Don't change your mind on this. Tell them that is a decision.

Tell them you cannot afford to fund these expensive visits and your trips over there several times a year as you are putting the equivalent money paid for these "holidays" into a fund for your other children/future grandchildren.

Tell them when Alice is old enough to travel unaccompanied you will look again at the situation.

I think offerings the other granny a trip would be a good move.

You said you have more connection with her it would be nice for her to come, and it would be hard for Dil and family to refuse.

You can resses the following year and see how you feel.

Stone and they may well tell op to fuck off!!

They may only be keeping lines of communication open because of ops money?

I see no relevance. The OPs son is not involved. Clearly this is not due to a reason that has alienated the OP and her DiL, and I can't see how the advice on this issue would be different based on the circumstances of his absence.
If some people feel unable to advise without knowing these details then so be it, fortunately there are those who can without pressing the OP and causing her distress.

Agreed. I wouldn’t want my 14 yo to do it alone. Perhaps it would be different if she’d made the trip a few times. But then that would involve op paying for her to come over with her mother 2/3 more times, which she doesn’t want to do.

But everything, why on earth should op take thread for Dil on other side of planets?

@StoneofDestiny Your advice is for her to stop seeing her only grandchild entirely? Just in case her only grandchild's only present parent is getting too much benefit from their relationship? What is the end goal here?

I sympathise with this situation, it's awful feeling taken advantage of.
All of the suggestions seem impossible.
Could you offer to have them for a fortnight on alternate years until she is old enough to come alone so not so overwhelming?
Obvs funding them plus the grandparents is out of the question .
Maybe when they do come aim to eat out once or twice a week at the most so you are not paying for food that might not even be eaten.

You need to have the conversation with the mum and not the grandmother. She has parental responsibility and you would totally undermine her to make arrangements (or not in this case) around her.

you need to also be honest. I assume you had a lovely time this year and enjoyed seeing your grandchild. 4 weeks was clearly too long - it would in any visiting situation. You feel taken advantage of because you not only support your grandchild monthly (on behalf of her father) but you also paid for everything. Maybe next time don’t. Just organise a couple of things a week, encourage them to go away alone to visit somewhere to give you all a break. It’s reasonable to say it’s lovely to have you but it was an extra special treat, happy to pay flights and accommodation at your home but I won’t be providing 24/7 entertainment next time.

your finances are not their business, what you choose to do with your money is up to you. But you need to be open and honest otherwise you’ll become resentful and bitter.

Regardless of whether you can afford it, no one likes to be taken from granted. It does make you feel sick!

I think you can just simply say that they are more than welcome to stay and you are willing to contribute toward their travel/expenses but due to other commitments you are not going to fund everything.

It's not that you can't, it's that you're choosing not to because it doesn't sound like it's appreciated.

The fact that you don't say what it is, even a general idea (e.g. serious health concern) means that most people suspect that it's one of the less noble reasons

Well summarised.