Do I need to curb my DDs enthusiasm for Brownies?

[LovesLovesLovesBrownies]

DD is 8 and a girlguide. A Brownie at the moment but she did Rainbows before and will most likely do Guides after.

Just had an argument with my dad over it and don’t know whether I am UR or not.

I never did hobbies or interests outside of school, dad said they were too expensive and where for posh people who just want to leave parenting to others. I begged to do scouts or guides or DOE Award or anything at all but was always told no.

He says now DD is a Brownie I need to seriously think about “reigning her in” and curb her enthusiasm for it. This is because she puts herself forward for all events outside of meetings and me and ExH have only told her once or twice that she can’t do them. Apparently, this is spoiling her, isn’t teaching her anything and pushing her away from us.

DD absolutely loves Brownies, is very self-motivated, wants to do Interest Badges in every spare minute - she did all 12 Interest Badges at Rainbows and has already done 8 out of 18 for Brownies. She already has Brownie Bronze (after getting Rainbow Bronze and Silver) and will most likely get Silver at Christmas. I knew when I signed her up that she would have to commit to occasional events outside of meetings but I wanted her to do it. She does all her school work including homework and is well behaved at school, so I see no reason to stop it.

I pay for everything to do with it have never asked for help from family or ExH, although ExH bought her another tshirt when she started Brownies as he wanted her to have the long sleeve one for winter. ExH also takes DD to any events that fall on his weekend but I always offer to take her myself and repay contact but he never wants that.

There’s 3 events between now and Christmas and DD wants to do all of them, there was no reason to stop her. 2 are free so no extra costs involved as we can walk to them and the 3rd which falls on ExHs weekend I covered the cost of. There’s usually 3-4 events per quarter apart from in Late Spring/Summer where they all fall in May and June bar 1 in August (which is completely optional and is the only one I’ve ever said no to, ExH said no to an event once as they had a family wedding that day and DD was fine with it, didn't sulk and enjoyed the wedding).

DD is extremely grateful, always says thank you and when I changed my job recently very politely asked if there was enough money to pay for Brownies still as she didn’t mind going without Christmas or Birthday presents if there wasn’t (there was).

Dad still insists she’s spoilt. Especially as she does 2 sports as well, but she’s not as enthusiastic about those and would choose Brownies over those anyday and has done, when events like competitions or matches have clashed she’s chosen Brownies over the sport(s). Dad also says that there’s no point in encouraging it as she can’t do it as an adult, I pointed out leaders/volunteers but he said not everyone can do that and she won’t “get badges” for doing it. He also says hobbies take away family time and he can't see ExPILs "putting up" with it much longer as they only get to see DD on ExHs weekends - ExH did hobbies (he's an only child) so I doubt they're against them. He says my mum also gets annoyed about it as she then can't see us at weekends - my parents are 15 years divorced and rarely talk also my mum comes to "watch" DD in her parades/events if they're open to the public as does Ex-MIL.

So WIBU?

Vote:
YABU – You’re dads right, stop DD doing Brownies
YANBU – You’re right, let DD carry on

You decide - why do you need - your Dad's opinion, a load of random people's opinions. You know your child and you do whatever you think is correct. Surely at her age you have had plenty of years (and sounds like you have been doing a great job) to be making decisions and parenting without having to have other people's input in something like this?

I loved Brownies, Guides and Rangers as did my childhood friends. We took part on all sorts of things that we would never have done with our parents. Looking back it was hugely life enhancing and i came from a good supportive family. The skills your daughter will learn will support her through her life. Ignore your ignorant dad, it's nothing to do with him.

Just ignore your Dad. Sounds a bit like my Mum who actively discouraged any extra curricular activities.
My DC do as many as they want (finances and time permitting), apparently I’m doing too much! It’s just a ploy to deflect from her own disinterested parenting.
You are doing a great job.

Haven't rtft but Brownies isn't posh. I ran a pack on a notoriously deprived council estate. We had such a waiting list because at £2 per week it was the only affordable extra curricular that parents could stretch to (and some of the better off families who were able gave more because they knew we subsidised a fair few through fundraising so that we didnt turn anyone away).
It wouldnt matter if it were 'posh', your DD loves it, will gain skills and friends for life, and you can afford it. But your dad is talking utter crap on every level.

YANBU
Your Dad sounds bizarre and very miserable. Most children I know have at least one hobby if not multiple hobbies. It's really good for them and something to be encouraged!

I usually try and be pretty nice when responding. I don’t even know why you’re posting this! Your dad is absolutely awful. Why are you still in touch with this man never mind listening to him. What he’s saying… it’s not normal and it’s not ok.

What a controlling arse your father is.

I’m sorry but your dad sounds controlling and really quite strange.

Your dad sounds awful. I can't believe you even think this is a question.

YANBU 100%. My own DD is a Guide now but has been through Rainbows and Brownies and is thinking about becoming a Young Leader when she has to leave next year when she hits 15.

It has given her some lovely experiences, Brownies only day at a local theme park, camping every year, a sleepover at the Aquarium in the shark room, all sorts of things. It has also taught her how to be a Patrol Leader and lead the younger ones.

It has taught her respect for Remembrance Sunday as she has carried the flag and was asked to lay the wreath last year.

She has learned First Aid and Cooking and various other things and had a huge amount of fun.

it will be really good for your DD in the long term, and help to build her confidence. Your Dad needs to get over himself. Also regarding PIL's I don't know why he thinks they would see her any more often than on XH's weekend, that is standard for a lot of people.

Does your dad usually suck the fun out of everything?

With all due respect, your dad's an arsehole. Suspect he feels our judging him retrospectively for not letting you have a childhood filled with group activities and events like girlguides, as you are certainly entitled to!

You're not spoiling your daughter; you're supporting her reasonable activities and interests. Well done to you.

How have you reached this age and have been a parent for at least 8 years and be so unsure of yourself? What happened in your childhood to mean that you so utterly doubt yourself about such an issue?

I know DD absolutely loves it, but I didn't know whether her enthusiam and love for it was normal. Now I've been told it is I won't be stopping it.

i have no words

I would imagine the OPs father sucked all the confidence out of her. Your post sounds like you are blaming her for feeling unsure.

Your DD ‘s enthusiasm is lovely and deserves every encouragement. Why does your father have a say about this? He seems to want to restrict her life. That’s sad, but it’s up to you to make sure he doesn’t get his way.

I would not want anyone this negative about something my daughter loved nor “rant” at me regarding how I’m parenting my daughter anywhere near my daughter

My dad was like this. Everything we did for our DC had eyebrows raised and when I bought her an oboe I was told that I was incapable of managing the family finances and should hand them all over to my DP.
She is now a grade 8 oboist and studying A level Muic.
And I use the past tense for my father because I NCd the fuck out of him.

Please please don’t stop your daughter doing something that she do clearly enjoys. Do not listen to your dad, she certainly isn’t spoilt and it builds independence and helps make friends.

100% this

Brownies is amazing and it’s great your DD loves it . Tell daddy he could have a much more expensive hobby like riding or climbing

"I never did hobbies or interests outside of school, dad said they were too expensive and where for posh people who just want to leave parenting to others. I begged to do scouts or guides or DOE Award or anything at all but was always told no."
Your dad is, as has already been mentioned, a miserable fucker. He was a joyless miserable fucker when you were a child, and is, at some level, OFFENDED that he did not manage to raise a joyless miserable fucker in you. The fact that you are a supportive parent to your daughter just makes it all the clearer how shit he was, whereas he wants you to be as joyless as him so that he looks 'normal' to himself. His griping is all about him and his self-image and not about your daughter - miserable fucker!

I think your dad doesn't want his dgd growing up to be a confident young woman. He wants her to know her place as a woman, which in his head is to serve the male population. It's up to you to shatter his mysogynistic expectations.

This.

Sounds like you've brought up a brilliant child __with skills any employer will value.

Please let your daughter continue brownies guides young leader, whatever you can afford and obviously within boundaries of other life events. I was in the same position as you, that I wasn't allowed to do anything while I was growing up. I let my children choose what they wanted and both had very full fulfilling extra curricular lives with the guides. One did all the badges and some extras like d of e. The other also did all the badges and young leader. They both stopped going at different times due to going away to university and being unable to accommodate the timings. Both have said that in the future they will look to re-engage with guides. Good luck and continue to be a caring encouraging parent.