Sat here crying about DD’s behaviour

[Cantfeelmuchthesedays]

I can’t take much more of it.
She woke up at 6 am, shouting she wanted to go downstairs, kicking me in my back.
Asking me to help her to do things and then getting angry as I’m doing it wrong. Constantly reacting and shouting and screaming. Following the dog around annoying her.
She’s not very pleasant anymore, at all and it’s causing huge problems between Dh and I, he’s stressed at work then comes home to shouting and screaming and taking ages at bedtime to sleep etc. Weekends are hell also.
We don’t have much patience anymore and I’m starting to dread waking up, my only peace is when I’m asleep.
I just don’t know what to do and if any of this is normal and a phase and will pass or something else. Taking her out is a nightmare, spending the day at home for 12 hours is worse.
As awful as it sounds, I miss my old life so very much, I don’t enjoy motherhood anymore and don’t know what happened to my lovely girl, I don’t know if we’re to blame or if it’s normal and we’re not emotionally strong enough.
Will this just be our lives now

Get dog gates {Taller than child gates} and use them to give the dog peace from being tormented.
Dogs can retaliate if tormented- especially if a child ''Gets in their face'', which could result in injury.

A lovely dog I met in park was a 'Rescue' from a house with young children, and he was terrified of children.
He now lives with a couple who have grown up children.

With the dog safely behind gates, you can relax more. too.

If a 4 year old is kicking you, that is absolutely not on.

Nip that right in the bud, really firmly.

NO. NO kicking! {Slapping or whatever else she is doing to you}.

7.30-5pm at age 3... that shouldn't be necessary for any child. Obviously if needed for childcare that's different but the idea that she needs that is very, very unlikely, developmentally. Hope your day gets better OP.

Your poor dog being tormented like this. I would re-home him, why on earth should the dog's life be made a misery/? Even the mildest, most gentle dog will one day have had enough and when it attacks her, will have to be put down.

It is not on inflicting misery on your dog and knowing their life will be ended if they literally bite back.

OP Children going through a lot of change at this age and behaviour is their way of communicating. But always listen to your gut, if you think it's more than just the transition talk to your HV or GP. She may have some developmental delay, or ASD/ADHD...or just learning to ajust.
Be kind to yourself and her and get sone advice.
Good luck.

Sounds like ADHD an and I have a daughter diagnosed with it! Don’t worry - she isn’t a bad person and her behaviour will improve with the correct care which weirdly doesn’t involve being overly strict. I would suggest you ask your GP for support or at the very least you look at the questionnaires online to see if she appears to have ADHD. I suppose she is a bit young to get a formal diagnosis.

Is she an only child? Is she perhaps bored? Are there any fun activities you could do at home? Perhaps a visual timetable will help so she feels she has structure at home.

Every action gets a reaction.

You need to change your reaction towards her.

My DS is a demanding moody child, it's hard to play the cheerleader when you want to lose your shit.

Rehome the pet it isn't fair.

Or it sounds like parents who are stressed perpetuating stress in their child in turn perpetuating parents who are even more stressed and eventually are too stressed to apply consistent discipline. Let's just give the poor child a life changing and permanent psychiatric diagnosis though instead of just trying to see it from her POV ...

@Cantfeelmuchthesedays
Exercise really helps children..Get out there and walk/run the legs off her.

A lovely GP who had four children used to keep a pair of tiny wellies in his surgery drawer, and when a mum came in, saying she was being driven mad by her young child/ren he'd pulled them out and said 'Get a pair of these.. go to the park or fields and run about, to let off steam.

3 is a difficult age.

This sounds like new behaviour.

I wouldn't be chasing a diagnosis for DD when you've said the house is full with stressed adults.

DC are insecure and if their parents are on edge they'll feel it.

This is a parents problem, pull back, have some fun, recognise the lashing out as fear.

My daughter is 4 and strong willed and now when in a bad mood has no filter, but, it has helped to rule out being hungry, tired etc when we correct those and acknowledge them she is much better. Also I get her to look at me and explain to mummy what is happening instead of going stark raving mad screaming all over the place. Sometimes negative attention is attention in their mind. She is much better now she can verbalise feelings. Lots of excersise. Going to parks and swings. She informed us the other day she was going to live in another house because we weren´t doing what she wanted (i.e. not letting her do her will) "do you want me to go to another house?". I find some absurd answers throw her off. Definitely no hitting or slapping, she knows that. Will try it on from time to time but it is rare. Pick your battles and don´t antagonise for the sake of it it will escalate and it isnt what you want.

OP, many posters have spent considerable time giving you sympathy/empathy and lots of thoughtful ideas as to how you might manage the difficulties of your DD's behaviour. MN is a great resource for exactly this kind of parenting problem - you can see that you're not alone and get good advice on tweaks that might help in your situation. I do hope that you will read all the PPs carefully and take time to acknowledge the goodhearted wishes behind them and perhaps act on some of the advice you've been given. Things will get better, don't worry!

First thing is her hearing ok - she's not being really loud because she doesn't realise how loud she is, is she?

Ok so when she is kicking you in the back at 6am here's what I'd do. Start by saying 'we will not be going anywhere or doing anything while you behave like that, you are hurting me AND being rude.' (said very firmly and tensely). Then when she stops, relax and smile and tell her how you want her to behave 'Now, if you would like to go down stairs you need to ask me nicely and quietly please'.

Sometimes we don't realise that we are actively teaching kids to act badly. They learn that if they ask quietly and nicely no one really notices, or they say no and roll over and go back to sleep - but if they make a big loud fuss and lash out then they won't be ignored and will end up getting what they want. It's really helps to notice and give them praise if they get it right.

Are you continuing to engage with her when she is shouting and screaming? Any time she shouts at you say quietly but firmly 'please don't shout at me it's rude' if she continues say 'I cannot talk to you until you stop shouting' and walk away and do something else. Calmly ignore everything she does until she stops shouting.

When I was annoying as a child it was generally because i was bored. If she's annoying the dog I would say 'the dog doesn't like being poked and pulled at but they love going for a walk so lets do that instead'. That way the dog gets a break and a walk and dd gets fresh air and exercise.

You need to make the things you want her to fun. Putting on her shoes - can she put them on before you count to ten - make it sound exciting and like a game. You bet she can't do a magic trick and put her shoes on all by herself (close eyes and see if she does - assuming she can!) pretend to be amazed if she does. Have a special story in bed so that when she is getting ready you can remind her to be quick because you can't wait to read her some story. Have a story or nursery rhymes to listen to in the car and say you can't wait to hear them. Make everything fun and interesting and there's a good chance she'll want to do it.

Good parenting is absolutely exhausting, but if you put the work in it's sooo worth it and (eventually) makes your life much easier too.

Time out is not recommended as a good way to parent any more.

Can you think of anything that happened in April? Any changes in her life?

I worried about the impulsive actions and hitting etc and jumping on me. Does it sound like something else

It sounds like she is testing boundaries. What are you doing when she hits you or the dog, as it sounds like there are no clear consistent consequences.

So much this. Keep them moving moving! It's so good for them.

I have a 4yo DD too, mine is also a tiny dictator. I don't have much advice as we're still in the thick of it but you have my sympathies.

The only things I've found that help at all are to give her wind down time after school as this seems to be peak meltdown time. 30 minutes of tablet and snack seem to help. Going anywhere not enjoyable for her is no fun for anyone after a busy day so shopping is now done online or when she's not there.

Let her make some choices through the day but not deviate when it's a choice I've made, I never give in to her as hard as that feels.

Lovebomb her and be really interested in what she's doing (within reason). I do have to draw the line when I've had to "look at this mummy" while she cartwheels around the room for a hour. But reading and drawing and things she enjoys get my full attention to make her feel important.

Wine and deep breathing in a different room also help when it's been a godawful day.

When she lashes out it's straight to her room, no questions asked. She never does it at school but some of her classmates do. Her teachers put them in timeout for hitting so she gets the same treatment here as she would if at school. We're working on calming techniques but in the heat of the moment she forgets so we talk about it when she's calmed down and more receptive.

I have a 3yo DS so I'm prepared to be in this for a while to come!

Like PP have said, she's still really little and it's likely a phase. Staying calm yourself where possible will help her to see that just maybe there's a better way than yelling and screaming. It's hard though, I've developed a shout that I never imagined myself using when it really does get too much. I try to save it 'for best'.

I also look back on pictures when she was small and feel quite whistful but she's growing and changing so much, her brain just doesn't know yet how to process it all. It's a learning curve for you and for her.

Lovely post!
Boredom and under~exercised children are a bad mix.

I love the tips here {Despite DS being grown now}
Exercise is so important.
A child rolling around bored and whining is hell for both child and parent.

I never said time out but if they're terrorising ankther living being you absolutely remove them from the situation....

😂

She might not calmed down by 5 if there are no boundaries. I have a friend where it escalated, their daughter went from kicking and hitting them to hitting herself. There was a different reason there, they spoiled her to the max, her wish was heir command and when they tried to put some breaks, she escalated to get what she wanted. As far as I know there is no violence between parents. They are going to a therapist now.

my DD went through a phase like this around 3 years old. Some boys hit her and while she is not brave enough to do that to kids, she took the behaviour home. She started kicking and hitting when she got upset.

it stopped maybe after a month or so. We were very firm, kept telling her: “no hitting” while holding her legs or hands down. That worked partially, the second part was to add consequences: no more park today, no ice cream this weekend etc.

eventually she started saying “I won’t do it anymore”, while doing it the next time. I told her you have to learn, she promised to learn. We went through that 5-10 times, every time she’d promise to learn.

And one day all was forgotten, just like that, she went to be her old self.

we also moved her to a different nursery, that was planned regardless, bc the nursery was bought by a bigger one and everything went to sh-t after it (staff left, not enough supervision, poor meals etc)

she still gets stroppy sometimes, obviously, but there is no more hitting or kicking.

ah we did timeout as well. Staying on a step, until she calmed down and said sorry.

I also praise her a lot, but I always do that. And tell her how proud I am when she does something nice etc.

hope it gets better soon for you too

Sticking a child alone, in a ‘boring’ room is time out 🤷🏻‍♀️

I never said time out but if they're terrorising ankther living being you absolutely remove them from the situation....

Absolutely, a firm hold and "I'm not letting you hurt me/anyone" and put somewhere safe until it passes. I can't calm her when she's so worked up she's at the hitting stage, I let it run it's course. I'll stay nearby so she knows I'm there but I'm not rewarding something violent or dangerous. 4 is old enough to know that's never ok to do that.