Sat here crying about DD’s behaviour

[Cantfeelmuchthesedays]

I can’t take much more of it.
She woke up at 6 am, shouting she wanted to go downstairs, kicking me in my back.
Asking me to help her to do things and then getting angry as I’m doing it wrong. Constantly reacting and shouting and screaming. Following the dog around annoying her.
She’s not very pleasant anymore, at all and it’s causing huge problems between Dh and I, he’s stressed at work then comes home to shouting and screaming and taking ages at bedtime to sleep etc. Weekends are hell also.
We don’t have much patience anymore and I’m starting to dread waking up, my only peace is when I’m asleep.
I just don’t know what to do and if any of this is normal and a phase and will pass or something else. Taking her out is a nightmare, spending the day at home for 12 hours is worse.
As awful as it sounds, I miss my old life so very much, I don’t enjoy motherhood anymore and don’t know what happened to my lovely girl, I don’t know if we’re to blame or if it’s normal and we’re not emotionally strong enough.
Will this just be our lives now

Aw, it sounds horrible. Poor you.

Like others, I suspect it is a phase - and 4 is bloody awful in my experience - but I would be asking at preschool how she is there. Did she start in September or has she been there a while? What you describe seems to indicate she's feeling separation anxiety from home but I could be way off.

I have always found that love bombing helped when I was finding the kids particularly irritating - not giving them attention for bad behaviour but just being really, really, loving all the time and consistently choosing the 'loving path' every time there was a choice of how to respond to any behaviour of any kind. Mostly I think this helped me reframe the irritation but it does seem to have an effect on the kid's behaviour too.

She is testing boundaries, possibly sees different rules at pre school.
In attempting to cope you’ve tried different methods but this confuses her.
She needs clear boundaries and expectations and I would suggest looking online at The Solihull Approach. This is a well regarded parenting method which respects parent and child in their appropriate roles. So, the parent is in charge, bad behaviour is not rewarded but good behaviour is. Consistency is key.
You can buy this course online. Family Support Workers deliver this free to groups but only to clients or by referral from a social worker.

Being ill won’t help your tolerance this week, so I would just grit your teeth for the moment and realise you will be able to do more when better.

wrt to the dog I would explain to her when you are not in a dog battle why she can’t follow him around. That’s the time to explain that the dog would have to be rehomed if she doesn’t stop. There isn’t anything wrong saying it if it’s the truth - it’s just when & how. I’d also look at putting a safe area for the dog into the home and explain that when the dog is in there it has to be left alone. And then build in some dog time.

Sleep routine sounds good to me - and the clock adjustment will happen soon especially as the mornings get darker.

Make getting dressed a competition agains the clock - ditto things like getting in the car - make it all really playful rather than a task to push against. This is MUCH easier when you are not in a rush yourself and you are feeling well. Pick your moments to introduce play into those boring things she has to do, so you’re not in a battle of wills.

It sounds to me like your colds have taken your already challenging situation to rock bottom. No one is at their best after a disturbed night coughing and feeling ill and viruses can be very emotionally debilitating as well. So try to remember that it probably feels worse this morning. Get through your day as best you can today, then when you're all feeling better, start to plan a consistent strategy whereby you take back control.
Imo 4 is old enough for the introduction of rules, like leave the dog alone, with firm but fair discipline and appropriate sanctions for bad behaviour, so its about you and your husband deciding what your house rules are, and how you're going to enforce them.

Why are you angry?

She is 4 - just starting preschool and going through a tough but fairly normal developmental stage. At the moment you are not controlling your own emotions either.

It is hard (and trust me it doesnt get easier DS is going through a stage at the moment at 10) but I am realising that I cannot control him only how I react to him. Take a step back emotionally and read some good advice on here

Stop being angry at her all the time. If she has been naughty deal with it and quickly move on. They don’t have a grasp of adult time so if you’ve been angry with her all day about something she did in the morning she will have no idea what the issue is - just that mummy is angry. And the day just continues in that way.

There are so many parenting podcasts you can listen too and find advice that suits you. Some are actually really good.

Remember she has been on this planet only four years and not long come out of nappies, she is still very very young. Every day is a new start for you to handle her better - because this is actually about your parenting.

Ive got three kids, my youngest is 6 and I can honestly say my parenting skills are a shit load better at this point because I worked hard at it. Nobody wakes up being a perfect mother to perfect kids - it actually takes a lot of hard work and honesty about you as a parent.

I really recommend this book. My daughter went through quite an angry, bossy stage at about 8 years old. She is 13 years old now and honestly the nicest, kindest, most responsible child. She will always be hotheaded but learning to control it has made such a positive difference to her life. She didn’t like losing her temper either.

www.calmerparenting.co.uk/calmer-parenting-book.html

Dd2 could be very demanding & stroppy.

I had to make sure I didn't get into tugs of war/will with her as it could quickly descend into a big mess. What worked for us was I would say what we needed to do clearly and then didn't argue. I would wait her out.

I waited her out a lot.

Ie - we are going to park. Please put your boots & shoes on.

Dd would resist, or take things off, or do any number of others things.

So I would sit down and quietly & patiently wait. Absolutely nothing else would happen in her world until she had done what was asked.

Then we would go out & have lots of fun.

This might seem a bit nuts but it was far preferable to other alternatives or getting constantly into battles with her about basic daily things.

I never had any need to parent dd1 like this. Different kids have different challenges.

My youngest saw it as his purpose in life to challenge every suggestion or instruction I made btw. Eg ‘don’t stand near that horse he doesn’t like children’ ds3 :stands right behind horse: (ds2 leave a huge health and safety gap at the same time).

ds3 did end up kicked by a horse one day btw.

Anyway I found with him a competition to do something worked as did clear talks about my expectations prior to something happening. For example he would delay getting ready which with a profoundly autistic brother who would start sing injuring if he had to wait when read to go was massively problematic. Ds3 knew this and it felt like he picked his moments to delay. In the end after much stress I talked very calmly and clearly to him about it when we were nowhere near going out. He was absolutely fine after that - and if he looked like he was going to delay I would just say ‘remember our talk’.

competitions agains a timer would work well. If you need a visual one you can hold up for her to see the Time Timer app is fab, although there will be others!

And yes waiting is a good strategy. We couldn’t do that because ds1 would be stratospheric but it can work well as it removes whatever it is she is pushing against. It’s avoiding getting into a battle that is key to managing this.

Make getting dressed a competition agains the clock

This is good & worked for dd2. Use your phone & make a game or challenge. " I wonder how long it takes you to get dressed?"

This worked really well with dd2. The numbers were totally irrelevant- she responded to the idea.

You've reminded me of my dd when she started school. She became an absolute shit. Defiant, rude it was awful. She was so tired and finding the transition hard.

In the end, in desperation, I spoke to the teacher for advice as my dd thought the sun shone out of her arse. Worked a treat.

We have a kid the same age. When she kicked you in the back what did you do then? If you did nothing or reacted and what was the consequence?

This age really push boundaries and you have to stay firm.

A sticker chart might work if you set our rules for the house (kind hands, no shouting etc) and if they fill the sticker chart they get a treat etc.

If my kid had kicked me in the back it would have been automatic naughty step and a very firm talking too with a I understand your frustration however x,y,z

As other PP have said, she’s not doing it annoy you personally so try not to be annoyed by it. The calmer you are the better the situation. She’s just trying to regulate her emotions and if you can control yours it will help her.

I didn't say, it worked because the teacher spoke to her about her behaviour.

I found four the hardest age - forget terrible twos, it was fucking fours. You can try various techniques, but sometimes you just need to wait out a certain stage.

If things start getting tense, try taking a breather and then doing something silly eg. a silly song. Don't feel you have to correct all bad habits and mould her into a perfect child - some stuff will go away by itself if you don't turn it into a flashpoint.

Ugh 4 is tough. Remember the parent's mantra "it's just a phase". Loads of good advice on here already - especially making as much stuff as possible a game/race etc. Also offering as many choices as you can - even little ones like "which colour socks today" help.

Also I found these two techniques worked well - instead of saying "if you do x then y" say "when you've done x then y" e.g. "when you're dressed we can have breakfast/play with the dog/go to pre-school" or whatever it is she likes to do.
Second - when she's upset or angry etc just name her feeling in a non-judgemental way "wow you are really angry! I know you really want to do xyz and you're annoyed you can't." etc. You feel a bit of a knob doing it (well I did), but I found it worked at helping them calm down. You don't have to let them do whatever it is they want to do, but you've told them you understand what's upsetting them. I found 'How to talk so kids listen' a helpful book at this age.

That sounds tough (at any age) strength to you for the patience to again and again consistently use whatever you use to point out her bad behaviour.

I have a child (older) with challenging behaviour (this one relates to their needs) somedays I hide away (in a car park last time). Try to tag team a chance to get away from it where possible, I hope she moves through this soon.

Go back to sleep, grandma.

It sounds really hard but she is not doing this to get at you. She is struggling with something - tiredness, transitions, demands, feelings...

I just wanted to pick up on your phrase 'she is my everything'.

Parenting is hard. DC can be challenging. What support do you have? What else do you have in your life? Job, friends, hobbies? You need other stuff so it doesn't all depend on this one thing going right.

DH and I used to tag team a lot at this age so that at least we weren't both getting up early both weekend days, could both do a hobby once a week etc. Booked a babysitter once a month etc.

Mind you DD woke on the dot of 5.45am until she was about 7 and took at least two hours to get to sleep so it could be worse!

OP, I think the ages of 3-4 is the hardest IMO. I have a 3 almost 4 year old who thinks he's the ruler of the household.

I was up at 5am this morning when he asked for pancakes, i suggested cereal cuz i honestly couldn't be bothered to make pancakes from scratch at 5am but he was adamant...HOWEVER he knows not to be rude or shouting and screaming. He asked nicely and said thank you after we were done making them.

He then only ate half of one (He's more interested in the process of making the pancakes instead of eating them). He was told if he didn't finish at least 1 Pancake, he can't have pancakes for the rest of the week (it's his fav at the moment) and I'm sticking by that.

You have to be hard on them sometimes and set boundaries and stick by them. I can't let a 3 year old rule me and neither should you.

I remember picturing a dial and imagining turning it up for patience. It helped me reset myself when going to deal with it. I would try smother with empathy and patience while still holding necessary limits firmly and without anger. ACT is a handy acronym. Acknowledge - ooh I know you love following the dog around. Communicate - he doesn't like that so I won't let you do that. Target - you can do x instead. The negative rut is really hard to get out of especially when you're unwell.

She’s pushing boundaries and testing what she can get away with. It’s a normal phase that kids go through between the ages of 2-4, but your job is to nip the really bad behaviour-such as kicking you and annoying the dog-in the bud now. What repercussions are there for these things? You need to be very firm and consistent with her when it comes to violence/animal cruelty, but also heap lots and lots of praise on her when she behave nicely.

She just gets into these spurts, just now she’s jumped on me and pulled my hair and been trying to annoy the dog again. I can never relax ever.
The teacher said she’s ok at pre school and that they calm down at 5. She hit a boy the other week and was made to sit out, which apparently she didn’t like and cried and told me she was scared.

I can really empathise. I have 4 DC and so far I have found age 3-5 to be an endurance test basically. Things really turned around when they went to full time school but one of mine was literally feral until this point.
There's a couple of books I found helpful.. How to talk so little people can listen or something like that.
Also a lot of hiding in the bathroom doing some silent screaming and swearing 🙃

Terrible twos, tyrannical threes and f*cking awful fours! 4 was the worst age with all 4 of my children. I found telling the school so helpful because although they were angelic at school the staff suggested things we could tweak at home and they checked in with us often-it was really reassuring to have their support.

It will get better.