Sat here crying about DD’s behaviour

[Cantfeelmuchthesedays]

I can’t take much more of it.
She woke up at 6 am, shouting she wanted to go downstairs, kicking me in my back.
Asking me to help her to do things and then getting angry as I’m doing it wrong. Constantly reacting and shouting and screaming. Following the dog around annoying her.
She’s not very pleasant anymore, at all and it’s causing huge problems between Dh and I, he’s stressed at work then comes home to shouting and screaming and taking ages at bedtime to sleep etc. Weekends are hell also.
We don’t have much patience anymore and I’m starting to dread waking up, my only peace is when I’m asleep.
I just don’t know what to do and if any of this is normal and a phase and will pass or something else. Taking her out is a nightmare, spending the day at home for 12 hours is worse.
As awful as it sounds, I miss my old life so very much, I don’t enjoy motherhood anymore and don’t know what happened to my lovely girl, I don’t know if we’re to blame or if it’s normal and we’re not emotionally strong enough.
Will this just be our lives now

My normally very good just six year old slapped me in the face the other day. She was only messing around but it bloody hurt.

I didn’t shout at her but I told her that it really hurt and she was not to do that again - ever. We sat in silence for a moment and she got upset, gave me a hug and said sorry. I hugged her back and we continued to watch a film.

Try and deal with issues in a way it has a positive outcome. Not all instances need to result in a punishment

She's just randomly jumped on you? I would say she's definitely the whole negative vibe around her and unfortunately she is seeking connection even if totally negative. Again I'd try the curious and kind approach to take the wind out of her sails and turn down the heat of it all. She might be feeling pretty unlikeable right now and it's important she knows she's liked and loved. I often find asking are you OK rather than jumping in with admonishment helps and they know you're on their side and want to help.

I 100% agree with this post. My niece is pregnant and asked for parenting advice and I said just pour kindness in to every situation - even when they have been little sods!

I think you need to get a bit of perspective here. Your little girl is 4 which is an age when feisty independence can reveal itself. Difficult at times for those around the child but hugely important developmentally and there are lots of ways you can manage the more challenging moments calmly.

Pick your battles. Celebrate the wins. Lots and lots of praise for positive behaviour. Try to overlook some of the negative. Don't make empty threats. Forget stuff like "naughty step" or in general punishment.

In young children, all behaviour is communication. Your little girl is communicating as best as she knows how and in ways that she has learned will get results. So if you ignore the bad stuff and praise the positive, she will learn that positive behaviour is preferable.

Don't say things like you'll put the dog in a new home. Don't be mean. If you find yourself making cruel threats, you need to own it. You need to apologise to her and explain that you were feeling frustrated and you said something that you shouldn't have and that you are very sorry. This will teach her that there is a way to come back from making mistakes, to repair relationships after a fall out.

But the main takeaway from your update is that you have all been unwell. No wonder everyone is feeling grumpy. You cannot expect to be feeling jolly and you especially cannot expect your small child to be bouncing about agreeably when she is probably not feeling very well and when both her parents are off.

You and her dad are the grown ups here. You need to do the right thing and take responsibility for managing your feelings. This may mean timetabling in breaks for yourself if you find that you are getting overwhelmed.

Of course you are going to fall out on occasion; what's important is what happens mostly.

Catch her doing something well, and tell her you are so proud of her behaviour and that if she continues doing X or Y well, you'll do some favourite activity/invite child to home for play or something similar that you know she will really want. She might fail first few attempts, in which case you gently emphasise and say you're pretty sure she's going to get there soon. Kicking you in the back at age 4 needs to come with a clear consequence. No favourite breakfast or whatever. She's ruling the roost, which is not good for her. She could be crying out for boundaries.

I worried about the impulsive actions and hitting etc and jumping on me. Does it sound like something else?

She sounds like my DD who is very strong willed. She was a nightmare when she was 4. Very independent and wanted to do everything herself. She did grow out of it and nights became easier. I will say this though - the positives are for strong willed girls is that they know what they want, are generally quite confident and tend to make friends easily. She's now a bright, happy 7 year old.
Things that worked for me are rewards. She did not respond to being told off or things taken away. To put it bluntly she didn't give a shit (she realised that not caring meant she was still in control I think). But she was very motivated by rewards. So every Friday she'd get a treat of her choice (sweets / ice cream / film night / small toy). Every time she started messing around I said 'if you carry on like this you won't get your Friday treat'. I realise it's a threat and some parents don't believe in this method but they aren't raising my DD! Be clear on the rules of Friday treat with her time and see if it works.

I don't think it sounds like something else when so recent and new. I really think she's sensing that negative and sad feeling in the house and her jumping on you is a way of dealing with the discomfort of that. She's literally jumping looking for her mummy and connection.

Can you go back to treating her like a toddler to take away almost the temptation of misbehaving?

so she follows the dog outside? The door is locked when she’s around so she can’t get out. Even better there’s a baby gate on the kitchen door so she can’t even get to the back door. Walks around the car for ages before getting in? Can you just carry her into the car and fasten her in like you would a much younger child? She might squeal but she will learn if she can’t get in sensibly this is what happens ? even try one of the reins backpacks when out and about if she won’t walk sensibly. Again she’ll probably hate it but going back to toddler tactics might work. If she’s poorly can you just bung her in a pushchair, sod what people think, and get out for fresh air without her being tired and grumpy ?

could also try a social story reward chart thing for getting ready in the morning. Very small steps. Pictures of each activity- Go for wee, sticker next to that. Brush teeth - sticker. Knickers and socks, leggings and too. You get the picture. Also speak with preschool about your strategy and maybe the chart can even go back and forth to school with her ? We did that re potty training and it worked as it was a unified thing between all the settings dd was used to.

Also, morning time on weekends is the only time I allow my daughter onto a tablet! Educational apps, dot to dot apps, jigsaw puzzles etc. Just gives me that 20 minutes of peace!

You haven’t told us how you discipline/reward her for her behaviours, just jumped straight into wanting us to diagnose her. Sometimes it is simply down to parenting, and considering your DD’s behaviour was fine until quite recently I doubt she is ND or anything like that.

Also the answer to almost anything when my dc was small was get outside as much as possible. Parenting is suddenly much easier in the woods, the playground etc.

What are the consequences for kicking you?

Honestly it's a stage. My girl went through it around 3.5, smack in the middle of covid so who knows whether that played a part but it certainly made being around her all day every day doubly challenging! Like you I had always enjoyed an incredible bond with her and couldn't understand why she was suddenly so bloody furious with me all the time and seemed to go out of her way to wind me up. It's so upsetting.

But it's upsetting for them too, though they may not show it. They're growing up, they're confused, life is full of change. Can you remember being 4? I have quite good memories of the age and I remember being so emotional. Fear felt like I might die, anger felt like I might explode, being upset - oh God, I'd cry so hard it felt like I couldn't and might never stop. The only stage equivalent I can remember is my early teens.

In terms of just Getting Shit Done (when even the most simple requests are met with 'no!' and faffing around) the best book is 'How To Talk So Little Kids WIll Listen'. The tips in that for getting them onside (making them laugh in the middle of their strop is a really good one), and for keeping your temper when it just doesn't work, the 'scripts' you can use instead of letting your anger and frustration out (which never actually yields results, escalates the situation and makes you feel like utter crap afterwards) are so so helpful. Whenever I've had a shitty day with my DD (who is 5 now and much better but OH MY we still have our moments) I'll think to myself "Damn I really need to read that book again and start using the tools."

Right now you're ill and tired and so is she. Forgive all of yourselves and be gentle to yourself. You may also be like me and very reactive to other people's feelings. So it is utterly horrible and feels like the end of the world. But honestly, she is still your lovely girl. She's just going through something, and doesn't yet have the maturity to consider how that is impacting on others around her. She doesn't have the tools or the insight. You are the grown up and can find tools and ways to help you all survive this with your sanity intact.

One thing I will say is don't take responsibility for the impact on your husband. He is her parent too, he doesn't get to 'work all day' then expect to come home to peace and harmony - he has a child, she's going through something, it will be hard and it is NOT YOUR JOB to whip her into line for his convenience. Get him to read the book too and present a united front. Learn to tolerate his upset, and hers - you have your own upset to manage, you can't be expected to be the emotional sponge for the whole family. But if you can learn to lead by example, to control your reaction to her behaviour and show her and teach her how to find her way out of it, then she will eventually pick up on these skills.

Hang in there. It gets better. She is still in there.

also at 4 she’s old enough for a hobby - squirrel scouts, rainbows, martial arts, gymnastics. Somewhere you don’t stay either and you either wait in a waiting room or in the car or leave completely. Some discipline in that setting can be really good for kids

Ughhhh. Needs to learn who is in charge - and fast.
What is her behavior like at nursery?

Something will have happened to upset her. Children aren’t to blame for their behaviour.

Is it possible that this pre-school is dealing with her in a way that has upset her? Some pre-schools are not nice at all and they shout at the children.

Do you spend enough time with her?

Honestly no such thing as poor behaviour as such. It's a reaction to how she's feeling.

Do you work long hours?

Do you pick her up from school or does she barely see you?

Christ OP you are trying to label your child with a disorder now. She is four years old and this is likely down to your parenting style.

I would buy her all weather jumpsuit and literally trek around in the woods or park for ages.
Cut yourself some slack for being sick.
Your skillset that you need to develop is one of moving on quickly and not emotionally layering everything she does.

@CoastalWave I spend all my time with her, I’ve been a Sahm since she was born.

@Juneyblue Kind, thanks.

@Juneyblue Ive been worried about a few things that seem different for a while

OP I’m so pleased you’ve posted this. My 4 year old son is the same and it’s pure hell. I was in tears before the school run this morning.

following for advice with great interest! I hope things get better for you

It’s such a hard age. Agree with PPs that the thing she needs most is connection, which can be so hard to give when they are being so infuriating. Really all she wants is to feel close to you.

Time out will make things so much worse, hopefully school can stop doing this
.

“We don’t want to be riding the wave with our child. If we’re riding the wave, we are going to be exhausted because children, especially young children have a lot of waves of emotion. They need to pass through them. But if we’re on them as well, we’re not going to make it through the day without losing our temper or being reactive. But if we are witnessing it, letting the wave pass and trusting that it will pass, that’s the best that we can do for our child to allow for the healing.”

www.janetlansbury.com/2021/01/healing-a-childs-anger-a-powerful-success-story/

Does she use screens? I know screens are not inherently Bad but all children react differently to them. The impact can be so profound that in some countries they make you cut out screens before attempting to a behavioural disorder diagnosis. There’s a great Facebook group called limited screen time families, lots of stories of transformation