Sat here crying about DD’s behaviour

[Cantfeelmuchthesedays]

I can’t take much more of it.
She woke up at 6 am, shouting she wanted to go downstairs, kicking me in my back.
Asking me to help her to do things and then getting angry as I’m doing it wrong. Constantly reacting and shouting and screaming. Following the dog around annoying her.
She’s not very pleasant anymore, at all and it’s causing huge problems between Dh and I, he’s stressed at work then comes home to shouting and screaming and taking ages at bedtime to sleep etc. Weekends are hell also.
We don’t have much patience anymore and I’m starting to dread waking up, my only peace is when I’m asleep.
I just don’t know what to do and if any of this is normal and a phase and will pass or something else. Taking her out is a nightmare, spending the day at home for 12 hours is worse.
As awful as it sounds, I miss my old life so very much, I don’t enjoy motherhood anymore and don’t know what happened to my lovely girl, I don’t know if we’re to blame or if it’s normal and we’re not emotionally strong enough.
Will this just be our lives now

I agree that all of these things are more than enough to make a 4 year old anxious. Also, anxiety can be inherited. If mum has an anxious temperament, it’s not surprising that daughter would as well. And I say this as someone who is high-strung with a high-strung child. 😅

Have not read the full thread sorry, my daughter was an absolute nightmare at 4, sounds similar to your daughter. Nothing we did made an ounce of difference she just grew up and grew out of it and was able to express her emotions more.

@GoodTalk Did you just completely ignore it, no matter how loud it got or what she said? I totally get what you’re saying, but did they do it when out too? Then what would you do? She hasn’t really yet, tends to be at home…but I dread that 🙈

@GoodTalk True 😅
I’m feeling more relaxed about it all now tbh Just a bit of a shock with the aggression etc…hopefully it will pass and we will see

@Whataboutno That’s reassuring 🙏

Glad day has gone OK. How does she spend her time at home? I don't remember being around the house much at 4 😂 Spent most of the time out if possible, I certainly wasn't getting a chance say to read the paper etc.. and I think that's fairly normal. Small children are full on. I don't think ignoring is the idea really, an ignored behaviour often escalates as it is communication. Offering understanding and comfort can go a long way, even if wordlessly, ha! If you have met aggression with aggression, tho unintentionally, it will have strengthened this path/habit so will take some consistent undoing. Will be interesting to see how the week goes. Fingers crossed for further improvement.

I wouldn’t ignore the behaviour, no, just sit nearby and express that you hear her and you’re there for a cuddle when she’s ready. My daughter only does this at home, funnily enough. She kind of keeps it together when we’re out and about!

‘he said he’ll just sit there and let it go over his head and he’s become numb to it now.’

‘Still does feel weird for me to just ignore it, but nothing else works, we try to say to stop shouting and she tries to shout over, if we do nothing, she stops…not too long after.’
**
‘Did you just completely ignore it, no matter how loud it got or what she said?’

It doesn’t sound like you’ve absorbed any of the suggestions from PPs or read any of the books and articles recommended, like you defensively claimed you had earlier today. This is such an exasperating thread. The answers to all of the questions you keep on asking are all here. Try going back to the start and reading them again. Order some books. Make sure DH reads them too. Good luck.

Have a think op...you're annoyed or worried about something and you want to vent and rant and cry to your husband but he just sits and waits for you to finish/ignores you... compared to him waiting with you, hearing you out and agrees it is difficult etc.

@Manamala @mikado1
If we respond even with sympathy/listening etc, she shouts over us and doesn’t want us to talk whilst she’s in the moment, that’s why I said ignore it, as in don’t respond to it, don’t try to reason with her, don’t try to smooth her, don’t try to tell her off…leave it be. I can’t see any other option than that or anything else that’s been said and I’ve read and researched a lot…perhaps I really am crap at all this these days as I never was when she was younger, I don’t just magically know all the answers or even instinctively…which does make me feel like I’m not a great mum or not a natural mum, like I secretly once believed. We’re all winging it, aren’t we? Some seem so completely sure of themselves, I’d love that but don’t see how anyone can be tbh, and I see that now.

@mikado1 We nearly always have to get out of the house, we’ve been ill so would love to lounge on the sofa or lie down, but it’s just never possible obviously at this age. Today we took her for a long walk with our dog in the woods, came back for lunch and a couple of hours inside. She played at her neighbour friends house later on and then a bike ride around the block. She’s due to go to bed now and I’m waiting upstairs for her (my night) and can hear her running around the living room around and around, she never tires these days.

*Sooth her

That's great you get out so much :) Your description of ignoring and letting it go over his head isn't quite the same as silently staying with her, and many children do prefer not to hear about their feelings in the moment, and it's the being heard that will soothe.. Telling her not to shout, tho completely understandable, unsurprisingly doesn't work! Later when she's calm you can comment on how she must have been feeling and succinctly remind of the rule or say 'Next time...x 'The less words the better. Hope bedtime goes well!

You’re not crap at being a mum— I don’t think anyone is trying to imply that. Some of us have been through similar experiences with our children, and have read and watched a tonne of gentle parenting material. I’m no expert, but I’ve spent a lot of time investigating ways to help my child because I’ve been in your shoes. None of us was born knowing this info. Just trying to help. I think 4 can be a tough age!

One of my kids sat quietly playing with crafting things in the wind down before bed, then we had a story and bed. The other is still up running round and round the living room in circles. One is autistic and has ADHD. The other doesn't. Doesn't take a rocket science to work out which is which, does it OP?

How's today OP?

@nononononovom I suppose you’re saying the same about my Dd, it’s a hard pill to swallow.

@mikado1 Hi, thanks for asking, ok but still lots of shouting. We were out lots today as had to do the food shop, then went to the beach for a picnic and the playground. First incident was when we parked at the shopping and I was brushing my hair/sorting myself out before we got out and went in the shop. Within literally a minute or two, dd was telling me to hurry up and getting all impatient and pushy, I was asking her to wait and she got more and more agitated, then exploded, it’s then that she won’t calm down, she just wouldn’t stop, I was sat waiting but that seemed to get her angry but I couldn’t get her out like that, it just felt really crazy and it was upsetting tbh. Not too bad the rest of the day but then she exploded after dinner as daddy had come in and sat in *Her place on the sofa (he had no idea as just got in and she’d not sat there for ages) she was shouting and demanding he moved…shouting and screaming so loudly. What would you have done in this situation? She was shouting for him to ‘Move now!!’ And speaking (shouting) so horribly…it’s like a different child, so hard in the house at the moment, so draining.

I would have removed her from the room and to her own room.

Shopping, beach-picnic, playground...

That is a heck of a lot of activities.

I would honestly have done one a day, not all three in the same day.

Questions:
Why were you brushing your hair in the car outside the supermarket?
Did you still go shopping even after the tantrum?

Within literally a minute or two, dd was telling me to hurry up and getting all impatient and pushy, I was asking her to wait and she got more and more agitated

This behaviour is why I think she's on the autistic spectrum. Being impatient, pushy, getting more and more agitated until she explodes. Four years old can be impatient and pushy on occasion but not as a pattern of behaviour.

I haven't been on MN the last few days and I apologise if you have given this information before. When is the appointment with the child psychologist?

If your daughter is troubling and distressing your dog then at 4 she needs to be made aware that’s not ok and punishment will follow if she continues. I wouldn’t abide children being cruel to animals or simply showing a lack of empathy that they are living beings. That’s not right even at 4

I'm so grateful for this thread

@mathanxiety I gave it a quick brush when sat in the car and about to get out, when getting my bag ready etc, it’s a thing that’s not that unusual for me to do. She doesn’t normally react like that.

I drove around after the tantrum and it calmed her down, then we went shopping, needed to get food, had no option, she was ok in the shop.

We went to the playground, the playground is at the beach, had our lunch on the beach, then she played. I was trying to get her energy out etc as in the house is worse. The supermarket is the first place we went to and where she had the meltdown.

@Alondra Yes, this behaviour is the worrying part but didn’t start until last week to this extent, she would’ve just sat there normally as it’s only quick

She’s back at pre school today (been off for a week for holidays) so nervous of how she acts when there) emailed the teacher asking for a meeting with both of us, but no reply so hopefully I’ll hear today. Desperate for the break but worried how she is when I’m not there, hate the thought of her feeling distressed or being angry.