Sat here crying about DD’s behaviour

[Cantfeelmuchthesedays]

I can’t take much more of it.
She woke up at 6 am, shouting she wanted to go downstairs, kicking me in my back.
Asking me to help her to do things and then getting angry as I’m doing it wrong. Constantly reacting and shouting and screaming. Following the dog around annoying her.
She’s not very pleasant anymore, at all and it’s causing huge problems between Dh and I, he’s stressed at work then comes home to shouting and screaming and taking ages at bedtime to sleep etc. Weekends are hell also.
We don’t have much patience anymore and I’m starting to dread waking up, my only peace is when I’m asleep.
I just don’t know what to do and if any of this is normal and a phase and will pass or something else. Taking her out is a nightmare, spending the day at home for 12 hours is worse.
As awful as it sounds, I miss my old life so very much, I don’t enjoy motherhood anymore and don’t know what happened to my lovely girl, I don’t know if we’re to blame or if it’s normal and we’re not emotionally strong enough.
Will this just be our lives now

www.hra.nhs.uk/planning-and-improving-research/application-summaries/research-summaries/behavioral-problems-in-childhood-constipation/

There certainly is a link between constipation and behaviour - add in pre school starting and another illness and you could very much have a perfect storm.

Does she know there is no pre school though as well - she had a routine, then she had a new routine, then that routine stopped and she had another different one. You are adding logic to her knowing she isnt going to preschool but does she?

The same is true for the constipation - you know it is fixed and working with the method she has but does she?

You won't always understand, accepting that is hard. But you can try.

@Quartz2208 I’d noticed behaviour due to the constipation and gas before, but that seems to have calmed and she’s pooing a lot and no gas. This behaviour seems different though and much more intense.
I told her they were off on holidays from Pre school and no children there and the teachers not etc, but that we were back next week, I always let her know what we’re up to etc

Time though is a concept that is tricky for adults to understand - holding a minute plank can be different to just having a sitdown for a minute to waiting for a minute.

I do recommend looking into it - but remember as well she is just a 4 year old child she may not understand in the way you think she does

Sat here watching her and it’s just literally like something comes over her and she can’t calm down. That comes out via playing, jumping or suddenly cuddling me or with the anger and slamming the door again this morning. I just held her afterwards and rocked her, no idea what’s happening to her that she just can’t calm down and just trying to keep everything calm and be patient until we can get to the psychologist. How can they calm her though? This doesn’t seem normal

You need to relax. Your posts are showing a mum under high stress and your daughter maybe taking cues from you emotionally.

Until you know what you are dealing with, be non confrontational. If she is kicking you, ask her "why are you kicking me". If she is shouting ask her 'why are you shouting? Don't shout back, don't get angry with her. Tell her, her behaviour is not acceptable and block her tantrum by talking about something else or walking out instead of allowing her emotions controlling you.

Until you know what you are dealing with, non confrontational is the way to go.

@Quartz2208 The constipation behaviour as above definitely matches up, it’s whether it’s more than this also. I put down her previous behaviour down to it when needing a poo etc, but the meltdowns have occurred at times when I know she’s fine

OP, you sound desperate to blame on this on poo, when really there are many, many layers like this that you will have to slowly unpick and unpeel. It won't be one thing. It will be several things.

@crumpetswithjam I’m not but equally all the main issues started with her pooing/stomach problems.
It may be ASD/adhd, I’m open to this, as I’ve said lots of times, I’m not in any kind of denial

@crumpetswithjam And what do you mean by lots of things?

Toilet problems can be very much linked to severe anxiety in kiddies.and poorly tummy they call it tummy migraines.

@kateandme The dr told me the same, it’s just distinguishing between the two 😩

Stop trying to tie everyone down to tiny specifics. Do some research yourself and you can make the connections yourself. You've mentioned many things that could be autism, adhd or something else entirely.

@crumpetswithjam I’ve done lots of research, I’ve done nothing but that. You’ve just said it will be lots of things, how can I not question that, how on earth do you know.
I think it might be best not to comment as your comments are quite confusing to me at the moment and they feel a bit angry, I’m just looking for some help and advice at this stage.

To be fair it was me who raised the link as well - which there is. As well as a link between constipation and ADHD

Sounds like she needs disciplining.

Even if she does end up having ADHD/ASD, you can't allow this kind of behaviour. Needs nipping in the bud right now.

@Quartz2208 Yes, thank you 💜I’ve known about that as read lots at the time of her becoming constipated and difference in behaviour before pooing or when she has gas. There’s also a link with constipation and asd, it’s just the not knowing if it’s solely the stomach troubles or other issues too

Do you think she’s ready for school? Maybe time to learn more, open up her world, she’ll not have time to be bored and misbehave.

affordable Ideas:
Take her out for a walk - collect leaves, twigs, conkers. Talk about the colours/types of trees/ how long she think they have been there/what changes in the world they might have seen.

Drawing/painting. Give her those leaves or pictures to copy, and then swap activity after half hour or so before she has time to lose interest.

“Reading” from books. Don’t read. Let her tell you what’s happening using the pictures. Don’t correct her, let her imagination run wild.

Staple some paper together and let her draw her own story book. Then let her read it to you.

Visit free museum or library. Plan a short walk to get there to help her get some physical exercise.

1minute Timed activities with a small prize (sweetie) - like sorting all her toys into their boxes or help you sort laundry - whose clean clothes, sorting dirty laundry into whites/darks.
putting dishes away, or forks/spoons into right drawer.

Limit any iPad/screen time until she’s back to get usual positive mindset and you need a break 😘 good luck.

@SezFrankly Thank you, we do all those types of activities and more and have done since she was little. I don’t think it’s boredom, she lacks concentration for lots of the activities we used to do, I’m trying to do simple letter writing at home, which she can do but gets bored with really easily, the same with cuddling up and reading together, we used to do this every late afternoon, now she’s darting around (even after nature/dog walks etc)

To be fair, most adults don’t have great concentration and are crabby when they’ve got a heavy cold and haven’t been sleeping well. And she’s only 4. She could be picking up on your anxiety, anger and sadness, and she could be unsettled by that. In one of your posts you said you didn’t understand why it was so bad this week, but you also said you’ve all been quite ill and not sleeping well. 🤷‍♀️ I imagine none of you are feeling calm and settled at the moment.

I haven't read everyone's responses but she sounds alot like my twin boys when they were her age and they have ADHD and mild ASD, I'm not saying she has ADHD BUT it takes a long time to be seen and assessed by anyone SO I would get on to it now just to put your mind at ease, If I remember correctly the health visitor did a referral but the nursery can do one too x BTW ignore the nasty comments they've obviously not experienced life with a challenging child x

@GoodTalk Its true, just the anger and continually banging her door..I don’t know, is that normal 😞such a draining week

@Jinjinjin Its really hard…are your boys calmer now?

How was today Cantfeelmuchthesedays ? Have you had any success with acknowledging the feelings while limiting the behaviours? Has there been more door slamming. Unfortunately small children will test us and they know exactly what pushes our buttons!!

This is not a perfect description of your dd, but is about sudden change in a 4yo, might be worth a read or listen-

www.janetlansbury.com/2018/01/age-4-seems-like-another-planet/