To let DD be herself

[Pinpot]

DD age 6 is very honest and speaking frankly, can be overly direct and tactless.

If she doesn't want to walk with a friend en route to school or if she doesn't want to play with a friend or see a relative she just blurts it out.

I can see she hurts peoples feelings although she's not malicious at all.

She will also chat on about new toys or holidays, even though she knows some of her friends don't have as much (we live in an area with some deprivation and her friendship group is diverse).

I am now and always have been very careful of peoples feelings. She doesn't seem to care.

I try to gently correct her or to provide strategies to end play dates gently or even at times to accept that she just needs to suck it up and put up with someone she's not sure about.

But part of me absolutely rejoices that she's not a people pleaser and just tells the truth.

What to do? Will life just force her to contort herself into 'be kind' or will she just go through life losing friends and alienating people? And does that matter if she's authentically herself? AIBU to just let her be who she is?

The tesco delivery driver is not here to take on your woes, smiling and being agreeable to a delivery driver is not lying, it is just not burdening the world with whatever shit is going on for you. That social transaction was never anything more than a polite interaction, the delivery driver asking "how's it going" was never an invitation to divulge problems.

Don't ask then. Same as people who say "do I look alright?" when they mean "validate me and tell me I'm pretty". Don't say anything if you don't want a response, OR say what you really mean.

I can't tell if you're being deliberately obtuse or if you really don't understand human emotions at all.

People do want to know if they look alright, they just want to be told kindly. "No, that dress makes you look fat" is rude. "Hmm, I'm not sure it's the most flattering shape on you, I think a flowy skirt would really highlight your curves" has the exact same effect (person changes into a less unflattering outfit) but doesn't cause the hurt feelings.

However irrational and silly it may be, human beings experience emotional reactions. We're not robots. Part of loving people is taking care of them, being considerate of their feelings, even though they might be illogical. You don't have to lie, or pander, but you do need to be gentle with people. We're all fragile in our own way and we're all deserving of care and thought from the people who are close to us.

Small talk doesn't require that level of depth, the kind of chat that takes place in very superficial relationships and acquaintances, usually when dealing with customer facing staff eg hair dressers, tradesmen, waiting and bar staff, delivery drivers, retail staff, receptionists, or other situations such asparents at the school gate, mixing at a conference etc etc. It is very usual to chat in these situations.

There is no expectation to lay out your entire catalogue of issues, in fact that would be odd, it is just a light social interaction. Over sharing in these situations as you really can't not "tell it like it is" and consider anything less a lie is crazy imo.

I understand it, I just think it's silly. I wouldn't want people to handhold me. I find it exhausting having to be around people who prefer that kind of communication, they probably don't like being around people like me either, and I think that's okay. People are different and prefer different types of people, its okay to not have to change who you are and instead find your people.

I think small talk in general is stupid. I don't want my time wasted with pointless meaningless interactions, I'd rather be alone with my thoughts than have someone droning on at me following an empty script. If you want my time, make it worth my time, otherwise leave me alone to enjoy my peace and solitude

Sure, but OP's daughter will have a pretty miserable time of it up until she finds her people, because no one wants their kid to play with the rude little girl who hurts people's feelings.

People pleasing is when you are very concerned about what people think of you and are frightened of causing offence. Manners is when you are concerned about other people’s feelings and are considerate. There’s a difference of focus. I was surprised on another recent thread that some people were bringing their children up to focus on their own boundaries and never do anything they don’t feel like doing out of consideration for someone else. I think there needs to be flexibility, in some situations it’s appropriate to smooth relationships and consider other people, in other situations the priority is to assert yourself and get what you want. It’s subtle and difficult to teach to children if you find it difficult yourself.

Why do the majority get to decide what's rude? I find small talk exhausting and a waste of my time, to me that's rude. Why are the majority right just because there's more of them?

Secondly you don't know that either - maybe OPs DD doesn't want to waste her time with people like that, I know I didn't as a child.

But I don't think we will agree on this.

Good post

Child or adult no one has the right to be hurtful towards others - just because they want to express ‘their truth’

Opinions - like arseholes. We all have one, not everyone wants to see yours.

Give me a child until they are 7 and I will show you the woman/man. Aristotle

it’s worth thinking about.

😂

Firstly, being childless doesn’t mean you’re a bad person - if anything too many bad people have children!

Secondly, just because a 6 year old says she doesn’t like Sophie doesn’t mean she’s destined for a life of misery. As long as she’s taught better ways to relate to others she’ll learn (like everyone else does) and will likely grow into a perfectly normal adult, albeit possibly one who prefers her own space. Only difference is she’ll learn to say ‘I won’t come to lunch this weekend guys, I need a weekend to myself to chill’ rather than ‘I’m not going out with you Sophie, I don’t like you.’

<tiny voice>

I live for small talk . . . 😟

But I can recognise that some people aren't "chatty".

There's a danger that OP's DD will grow into one of those people who needlessly hurt others without perhaps intending to - or worse, not caring. We've all met them - cruel/thoughtless remarks followed by an affronted "It's just my way!" if they are pulled on it. "I don't mean anything. It's just how I am."

In my experience these people are also abnormally sensitive when it comes to their own feelings being hurt.

I have a ND child who does sometimes need telling clearly where/ when/ how to apply the social filter because he doesn't reliably learn it by osmosis. A child with this kind of trait probably won't pick up on "gentle" hints and needs a direct approach themself. At 7 we had an incident where a child made a comment about DS's long hair. DS replied back with what he thought was an equal observation about the child's weight. He needed explicitly telling that society places a different value on these observations and not to comment on something that a person can't change, even if it seemed illogical to him.

There's a huge range between people pleasing and being blunt/ rude, and neither of those extremes are happy places to be. She does need to be guided to the middle.

Does school do any social skills interventions? That may be of benefit as you have the peer aspect that can be difficult to manage just at home where it's all hypothetical.

Groups like Scouting/ Guiding are also good for social skills as there's a lot of structured/ semi-structured collaborative work. Guiding has more focused content in its programme in this theme that's good for developing a range of social skills, rather than it being an underlying skill picked up through the rest of the programme.

Well, it says in the OP that she's hurting people's feelings. That's not going to win her many friends, and it will lead to other people finding her rude and unpleasant.

Not to mention future potential difficulties in the work place.

What is wrong with being kind?

Kindness isnt the same as niceness. Kindness is having empathy.

She's authentically being rude. Not sure why that's something to encourage.

There are other traits you can encourage such as independent thought, forging opinions, sticking up for what she believes is right.

Being a tactless clot will do her no favours.

Authentic self, telling it like it is, saying you’re honest when you speak etc all translates into “I’m an utter arsehole that doesn’t give a shit about anyone bar myself” in real life. Those that follow that line of thinking often end up alone and isolated or surrounded by other equally arseholish people that back their thinking up.

@AMorningstar out of interest, do you care about hurting people's feelings?

Totally with you @AMorningstar people are overly sensitive when really the other person is not wasting their time or their own. Yes you can 'be nice' but life is too short with some people and those that are not offended are the keepers :D

That sounds like “I’ll say what I want, how I want to say it, and I don’t care if I upset someone”, @chaosmaker.

I think it is perfectly possible to get your message across but without being unnecessarily mean - as I have demonstrated above. I could have been far more unpleasant about your post, but chose not to.

despite parental guidance and explanations simply do not get what they said or did that was wrong

@Discovereads The thing is she isn't getting this parental guidance. OP thinks her behaviour is something to be celebrated.

Or maybe those you have offended have had a lucky escape.

People pleasing is when you are very concerned about what people think of you and are frightened of causing offence. Manners is when you are concerned about other people’s feelings and are considerate. There’s a difference of focus
This is true, and as parents it's our job to help our DC learn the difference.

Children with no manners will likely turn into teens with no manners, and then adults with no manners who think being rude is a brilliant personality quirk because they tell it like it is

Escape, funny. No one is ever forced to interact with anyone else in life. Except for work.