To let DD be herself

[Pinpot]

DD age 6 is very honest and speaking frankly, can be overly direct and tactless.

If she doesn't want to walk with a friend en route to school or if she doesn't want to play with a friend or see a relative she just blurts it out.

I can see she hurts peoples feelings although she's not malicious at all.

She will also chat on about new toys or holidays, even though she knows some of her friends don't have as much (we live in an area with some deprivation and her friendship group is diverse).

I am now and always have been very careful of peoples feelings. She doesn't seem to care.

I try to gently correct her or to provide strategies to end play dates gently or even at times to accept that she just needs to suck it up and put up with someone she's not sure about.

But part of me absolutely rejoices that she's not a people pleaser and just tells the truth.

What to do? Will life just force her to contort herself into 'be kind' or will she just go through life losing friends and alienating people? And does that matter if she's authentically herself? AIBU to just let her be who she is?

She's 6, I have a 6 year old too. Sounds pretty normal to be honest. We remind our children that not all children can have everything they want and how lucky they are (we aren't rich but don't often need to say no to stuff they ask for). I'd imagine if they went to school with poorer children they'd say things about where they went or stuff they got, it wouldn't be said with mean intent though (my children are 6 and 4). My children are kind but assertive generally, fine by me, I wouldn't want them to be a pushover.

The difference is you said your children are kind and you remind them of differences between people who have and have not. That is you teaching them. The OP is concerned that her child will morph into being kind. The OP can see that she hurts other people's feelings and quietly rejoices that she is the way she is.

I’d get her assessed for autism.
Its not rudeness when the child is oblivious to how they’ve hurt feelings (only you see it and she seems to not care) and despite parental guidance and explanations simply do not get what they said or did that was wrong- so they keep doing it.

The “She will also chat on about new toys or holidays,” is common masking…trying to be social but not understanding the nuances.

It would be helpful to your daughter to gently discuss with her, after an incident, what happened and how it could be changed. Maybe role play with her, to help her understand how she could be hurting others. She will learn how to adapt, without her spirit being quashed.

She can be taught how to uphold healthy boundaries without intruding upon the emotional boundaries of others.

Op has already stated how she IS teaching empathy posters are reading way too much into it. And saying you don't want to go somewhere, or you don't want to walk with someone isn't rude.
Just got to teach how to phrase it. Instead of I don't want to walk with you, she could say something like, I would like to walk on my own today.
I think its good she is assertive and can express herself, a good trait to have.

Sometimes you have to choose between being right and being kind.

Kids of 6 don't always see the need to choose kindness, but you can work on it.

Agree with @Musti here.

I don't think she's being intentionally rude she's 6 and still young. She is possibly so excited about her new toy but she hasn't thought about how others are feeling. Most 6 year olds would find being tactful difficult because that's a skill they have to develop. Piaget a child development theorist had said until age 7 children can be egocentric as in they don't understand how others are feeling. I think over time with a little help from you and pshe lessons at school she will understand a lot more and develop empathy.

She'll probably end up as a 45 year old childless singleton. When you meet these women it normally doesn't take long to find out why they are in this situation. It does sound like she's destined for a lonely life.

However, people can change. Maybe as she gets older she'll become more of a people person.

What a bizarre comment. I'm a very blunt person - I married in my very early 20s and have 3 kids. Whether you prefer direct people or ones who beat around the bush it has nothing to do with whether someone gets married or not.

What’s all of this ‘gently’ telling her to be more tactful stuff? Just tell her straight, like she apparently does to others. You’re not doing her any favours letting her think her behaviour is ok.

I met a girl at uni who ‘told it like it is’. People used to avoid her. Nobody wants to be around rude people.

You might be very blunt (which is glaringly obvious from your posts) but presumably, given your personal situation, you also understand the need to be kind and to not necessarily say every "honest" thought you have?

I won't insult someone for no reason but if I'm asked for my honest opinion I'll give it. Very weird to think people like this don't marry? Granted I'm married to a neurodivergent man who appreciates directness himself, I'm just saying there's plenty of both men and women who appreciate that style of communication and therefore its incorrect saying they'll never marry or have kids or make friends.

@AMorningstar I think you're conflating two different things, to be honest. ND individuals who don't fully conform to the social contract due to their inherent ways of thinking are a different kettle of fish to NT individuals who "tell it like it is" and "value honesty" and "are just direct" - there's a degree of grace and understanding for the first category (one would hope) whereas the second category are almost universally just unpleasant people with a huge sense of their own superiority, and that category do tend to end up lonely.

Teaching your daughter to frame things in a way which means she can still get her desired outcome without hurting is a really good skill. I would absolutely never expect DD to have flexible boundaries but I do expect her to be polite. I do understand if you have people pleasing tendencies that you feel like it makes your daughter stronger and less likely to get walked over, I totally understand that. But she is more likely to be able to form happy close relationships in the future with a bit of tweaking.

“Do you want to play with me”

“no go away I’m busy” vs “maybe later, I’m just playing a game with Peter now but thanks for asking” - which one is more likely to invite a second approach?

At 6 she should be able to understand that some kids don’t have as much as she does and it is really important that spending time with her doesn’t become self esteem destroying for other kids, it will isolate her.

If only parenting was as easy as 'letting them be themselves'.

I think you should continue supporting her to improve her relationship skills. It will serve her well in the future.

If she continues to disregard others feelings, it will be her who suffers in the long run.

Having said all that, she's still only 6 and children are naturally selfish. I'd imagine she'll learn over time how to regulate herself better. But some support from you is needed.

Maybe. OPs daughter doesn't sound rude or unpleasant to me personally which is why I don't really see the issue here. If she were calling people names or something I could see it but it doesn't sound like she is.

Well, it says in the OP that she's hurting people's feelings. That's not going to win her many friends, and it will lead to other people finding her rude and unpleasant.

Peoples feelings get hurt by any sort of honesty though, that's the issue. Parents should be teaching their kids resilience towards comments like "No I don't want to" rather than their kid getting upset that someone else has asserted a boundary.

Again, I am not condoning insults or anything like that, that would obviously be different.

Just my opinion though.

It is very possible to assert a boundary without hurting feelings. Just flat out saying "no I don't want to" is rude. It's hardly difficult to say "thank you for asking, I don't feel like it today, that was very kind of you to offer though" instead, is it?

This is what I mean about people who say "oh I'm just honest" when in fact they're just not giving any consideration to how anyone else might feel.

Why would it be rude unless the other person either feels a) entitled to your time or b) like their time is such a blessing, everyone should drop everything and immediately take up the offer? When broken down, it's far more rude to be offended by it for the reasons above, imo.

It's rude because it doesn't take into consideration how the other person might feel in the face of rejection. It's not about entitlement at all.

If you've thought of something nice to do with a friend, and suggested it to them, excited to share a new experience with them, and they just go "no I don't want to", of course you'll feel hurt.

By acknowledging the fact that the other person has given time and thought to their offer, thanking them for that, and gently turning it down, you minimise the sting of rejection.

It would be a very rare individual who wouldn't be hurt by an invitation or offer being met by flat rejection.

See to me that's just mincing words. The outcome is either a yes or a no, how you word it shouldn't really matter because the outcome is the same. I also think people shouldn't need someone else's validation and it's totally OK for a friend to not like something you like, or not want to do it at that particular time for whatever reason. People shouldn't take rejection so personally, and shouls be comfortable enough in themselves to get on with it.

Accept this isn't the most popular way of looking at it though.

You're welcome to your opinion, but it won't win you many repeat invites.