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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend outed me - AIBU?

185 replies

Somefriend0 · 01/11/2022 13:15

I posted about something happening in my life (NC for this). Think a big life event with family drama becoming a problem. Some of the info was quite personal, but not identifying I thought!

Friend saw this, guessed it was me, and brought it up over dinner in front of 8 other people at the weekend. All friends and their partners, some are quite new relationships so I don't know them all that well. I denied it because she was talking about personal stuff I did not want other people knowing, but she just kept on going like a dog with a bone.

Our friends were obviously uncomfortable and I was just in shock.

I've known this girl since I was 5 and she's never done anything like this before. She is competitive and loves to get one up on people, but it's usually pretty harmless stuff.

I'm angry, embarrassed, and I feel like my privacy has been invaded. Yes it's a public forum but the whole point is that it's anonymous. I feel so hurt.

I kept a lot of things vague and any details would be pretty common things. Lesson learned though, be careful.

YABU - it's not a big deal, let it go.
YANBU - she was way out of line.

Maybe she'll even see this but I don't care!

OP posts:
Bogofftosomewherehot · 01/11/2022 14:00

She is not a friend, she is a complete and utter nasty bitch twat!!!!

I join others in saying I hope she reads this thread. Nasty and shitty behaviour. What did she think she'd gain from such appalling behaviour?

Watch your back around her. Friendship clearly means nothing to her.

Thelnebriati · 01/11/2022 14:12

YANBU, but the real question is - how will the group respond? Is anyone going to pull her up on being a dick? Will you get any support?

DearOohDear · 01/11/2022 14:20

Bad manners and nasty of her
You never out anyone unless it's out of genuine concern and even then you take their lead

Original poster
Somefriend0 · 01/11/2022 14:22

Thelnebriati · 01/11/2022 14:12

YANBU, but the real question is - how will the group respond? Is anyone going to pull her up on being a dick? Will you get any support?

That's the problem, they're not good with conflict at all.

They probably will think she was a cow but won't make a big deal of it.

One friend did back me up saying "she's said it wasn't her so that's that, it could have been anyone posting on there" and tried to move the conversation on.

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 01/11/2022 14:25

We were talking about the 'event', just pretty generic stuff about how things were going. Then she said she came across a thread that sounded like it was from me and was talking about XYZ, she felt like she could hear my voice saying it as she read it.

Unless you admit it was you, that's not really outing. She may have just been saying that to highlight you are not the only person it has happened to.

Also, if you were discussing this thing with a group of people, would she have nown that you didn't want them to know about something on the MN post?

I appreciate the traditional response to all disagreements with friends on MN is to say this person is a monster and you should cut them from your life but in your situation I really would consider the posibility that no harm was intended and you are reading more than is there because you feel vulnerable.

donquixotedelamancha · 01/11/2022 14:27

donquixotedelamancha · 01/11/2022 14:25

We were talking about the 'event', just pretty generic stuff about how things were going. Then she said she came across a thread that sounded like it was from me and was talking about XYZ, she felt like she could hear my voice saying it as she read it.

Unless you admit it was you, that's not really outing. She may have just been saying that to highlight you are not the only person it has happened to.

Also, if you were discussing this thing with a group of people, would she have nown that you didn't want them to know about something on the MN post?

I appreciate the traditional response to all disagreements with friends on MN is to say this person is a monster and you should cut them from your life but in your situation I really would consider the posibility that no harm was intended and you are reading more than is there because you feel vulnerable.

Just to clarify: I'm not saying she was being tactful or wise, or that you are unreasonable to be upset- merely that she may have no idea discussing a familiar seeming thread was such a big deal.

Original poster
Somefriend0 · 01/11/2022 14:33

donquixotedelamancha · 01/11/2022 14:25

We were talking about the 'event', just pretty generic stuff about how things were going. Then she said she came across a thread that sounded like it was from me and was talking about XYZ, she felt like she could hear my voice saying it as she read it.

Unless you admit it was you, that's not really outing. She may have just been saying that to highlight you are not the only person it has happened to.

Also, if you were discussing this thing with a group of people, would she have nown that you didn't want them to know about something on the MN post?

I appreciate the traditional response to all disagreements with friends on MN is to say this person is a monster and you should cut them from your life but in your situation I really would consider the posibility that no harm was intended and you are reading more than is there because you feel vulnerable.

The stuff on the post was deeper and more personal, to do with family issues. Not the kind of thing you'd casually discuss around the dinner table. Imagine it's a wedding and the chat is about how the plans are coming along, what's the venue like, do you have your dress yet, etc. While the deeper issue is (for example) that your parents can't be in the same room as each other without having a fight, or your MIL hates you and is refusing to go, or something like that.

When I said it wasn't me that posted she kept pushing.

OP posts:
Arenanewbie · 01/11/2022 14:36

I think she is a quite stupid actually. She just put everyone in an awkward situation and showed her lack of social skills. I wouldn’t approach her for a talk, lesson’s learned - she can’t be trusted and regarded as an adult. In the future just be careful when saying anything around her, you know like people do around 3-5 years old, in case they will repeat your words in public. I suspect the rest of the group will feel the same (unless the info was deadly e.g you are sleeping with the someone’s partner from the group)

KettrickenSmiled · 01/11/2022 14:38

When I said it wasn't me that posted she kept pushing.
I'm glad that one other friend stood up for you at least.

What are you going to do about this going forward? I would never trust her again. Would need to say something like "if you genuinely thought that post was by me, why on earth would you ask about it in a group setting - & why did you keep doiubling down when I told you you were wrong? I'm pissed off at you - that was not the behaviour of a trustworthy mate."

See if she sees your point of view & apologises.
If she didn't - I'd ditch the boundary-crashing bitch.

Ocampa · 01/11/2022 14:45

She is not your friend.

Igglepiggleslittletoe · 01/11/2022 14:46

What a wagon.

TomTraubertsBlues · 01/11/2022 14:48

She was a total and utter cow. YANBU to drop her.

Skyrimisveryrelaxing · 01/11/2022 14:49

Shes not your friend.

BatshitBanshee · 01/11/2022 14:54

She's not a friend and I'm guessing, considering you've said she's competitive, she's jealous of your life event and wanted to spoil it.

And if you're reading this motor mouth: you're an utter fucking c*nt and I think everyone around that dinner table has got an idea of exactly who you are after that. What a total bitch.

Unseelie · 01/11/2022 14:55

Ditch her. She’s not your friend. She was deliberately humiliating you in public to make herself feel clever.

Don’t admit it was you 😬 just send her a message along the lines of “Last night was very awkward for me and our mutual friends, it seemed like you were trying really hard to embarrass me in public, I don’t understand why you were doing that. It’s best we don’t meet up any more as clearly we have very very different ideas about how people should behave.” Then block her.

AryaStarkWolf · 01/11/2022 15:09

What an asshole

Notjusta · 01/11/2022 15:13

I've had someone do this to me in a group chat sharing the post itself.

I will never look at that person in the same way again and I can't ever imagine doing that to someone either. Even if I recognised someone I would not say anything to them, especially not in public.

Pootles34 · 01/11/2022 15:15

I think we know who the 3% voting YABU is.

Itaintwhatyoudoitsthewaythatyoudoit · 01/11/2022 15:16

I would not regard this person as a friend.
To be honest, your mutual friends will all be very wary of her.
She will have lost the trust of everyone sitting around the table.
She tried to humiliate you in public and betrayed you. She is merely an acquaintance now and be very careful and minimise contact with her from now on.

PollyAmour · 01/11/2022 15:20

What an unpleasant person she is, definitely not a friend worth keeping. I would gently withdraw from any kind of engagement with her from hereon in and leave her to her miserable life.

allboysherebutme · 01/11/2022 15:22

Horrible, I'd distance myself from her. X

BillyBigot · 01/11/2022 15:22

Dump the bitch. She sounds like a shit friend.

Megapint · 01/11/2022 15:27

Well that's a pretty shitty thing to do. But I'm amazed she was able to identify you from the millions of users. I would have just pleaded complete ignorance. What are you taking about & what the hell is mumsnet?

Hungoverandashamed · 01/11/2022 15:29

I would never feel the same way about her again. What a bitch. I wouldn't even spend the energy having it out with her or confronting her. I would simply withdraw from her company forever.

MegGriffinshat · 01/11/2022 15:49

Wow.

OP’s “friend” - if you find this thread please realise what a massive bellend you were and don’t pull a shitty stunt like that again.

Twat.

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