To be surprised that so many people have separate finances?

[PlumPudd]

DP and I pretty much share out the paying of our costs, with perhaps a bit of accounting for the fact that we’re on different incomes. The main costs, mortgage, bills, shopping, childcare etc. we broadly split by income, so we have direct debits set up and DP pays a bit more than me. For more discretionary things like clothes, meals out, toiletries, memberships etc. we sometimes pay for our own and sometimes get for both, for example the Amazon account is in DP’s name and we both just get things from there when needed. If I’m doing a clothes shop from H&M DP will add a few bits and I’ll just pay to save on the cost of two deliveries.

Savings are also seen as broadly common e.g. we’re about to move and I’m putting in a bit more than DP just because I’ve ended up with more in the bank, and DP covered some other big costs from their account earlier in the year.

We don’t really keep count, or get pissed off if one pays for more than the other on a particular month as we see the money as our shared money, that’s financing our shared life, regardless of whose income it originally came out of. DP also doesn’t expect me to spend less on discretionary things because my income is a bit lower. It probably helps that neither of us has exorbitant hobbies and that we have a broadly similar view of what’s reasonable to spend on what.

I thought until recently that this is how most couples were, (assuming they are in a committed and happy relationship - different if things are rocky of course) but a few friends have been quite shocked and said that no, they keep their finances very separate. And pay 50 50 or some other carefully calculated split for shared cost like rent / mortgage and then pay for everything else out of their own salary and have their own savings.

So what do you do and why?

And yes, I'm surprised how separate some people keep their finances.

We share bills and make it equal etc but we have our own separate bank accounts. Happily married for years with 3 kids. I would never not have my own bank account with my own money and I love my husband very much. The only people I know who have shared accounts for everything are in their 60s .

Can't think of anything more bizarre than sharing finances unless you have kids, even then I'd apply the same ideology:

Joint bills including, utilities, council tax etc paid as a percentage of earnings, mortgage paid 50/50, for round figures I earn £60k, missus earns £30k

My contribution is 2/3 of our joint bills, hers is 1/3. We pay 50% each on the mortgage so have an equal share in our home.

Whatever is left is ours to spend as we wish. (Cats, disposable, clothing, holidays etc)

I don’t understand how those with joint finances can make big purchases but also on the same hand say they don’t need to speak to their partner about it.

I booked an additional holiday on a whim last week, that was £4k, if I had paid that from a mysterious joint account how would I not have to speak to DH about that before doing it, as what if he also spent a few grand at the same time.

Seems so unnecessarily complicated.

same applies to gifts, it’s so much easier to just transfer a set amount into a joint account than faffing with paying pocket money out from a joint pot etc.

Because paying £4k for a holiday is a normal thing that normal people do, lol.

No offence ofc. It's just a very mumsnet moment comment - most people won't drop 4k on a whim, whether holiday or a TV, joint account or not

Exactly.

But this is my point

Posters implying those with separate finances aren’t as committed to each other, it doesn’t take into account people with different financial demands.

I totally get the concept if one partner doesn’t work or works so little that they’re not earning much. But outside of that (which must be a minority of couples) it just doesn’t seem necessary

I mean I'd be offended if DH didn't do a joint account as I'd think he didn't trust me or something. But then we are in the category you mention where I'm a SAHP and he's not.

If youre both earning enough to just drop 4k though surely it wouldn't matter in a joint account as you clearly have loads of cash anyway? It's relative isn't it. Also I wouldn't book a holiday without talking to DH even if we had separate accounts not because of money but because he'd need to book time off work? I guess if you're self employed it may not matter?

my husband and I both understand what we can afford. If we want to buy something nice for ourselves, we just buy it. If we want to buy something extraordinarily expensive, we check in and make sure it is a good time before making the purchase.

Oh the holiday isn’t for DH and I, I’ve booked to take my mum away. Our family Hollidays are dictated by his availability so no wiggle room mid year etc.

But yes the fact people have different financial set ups and earnings is why I think blanket statements and judgements on either side are a bit weird. DH and I don’t earn the same but both have more than enough left at the end of the month that it’s not a case of one of us being left with a few hundred and the other sitting on a nest egg (that I have seen posted on here which is awful and imo financial abuse)

DH and I decide before we were married that everything would initially go into one pot after hearing his auntie and uncle arguing over who owed who what over a tube of toothpaste and a bottle of shampoo! We coudn't be doing with that all the time.

So, all incomings go into the joint current account for paying utilities, food, general living costs, eating out, etc. We both have the same amount paid into a savings account each for clothes, hobbies or whatever we want to spend it on. An amount also gets paid into a joint savings account for holidays, broken boilers or other large expenditure. At the end of the month, anything left in the current account gets transferred to the joint savings account.

It has served us well over nearly 50 years even though he was by far the highest earner all out married life. Never any quarrels over money.

My husband and I have 2 DC and have joint finances. A joint bank account that we both get paid into, a joint credit card that we both make all our purchases on (for the points, naturally).

We're about to move following DH getting a new job across country, and once we've worked out what's leftover after our new bills and payments we'll be setting up some joint savings.

We're early 30s for reference

I look after our account as I am slightly better with money than DH and I have more time.

I always know exactly what's in there and what payments are due to go out. DH doesn't spend much usually - maybe a sandwich at lunchtime and he buys fuel. If he wants to buy something more expensive he checks with me how much there is in the bank and whether it is ok. Usually it's something for the house anyway as we are doing a lot of work on it

What @Ponderingwindow said.

I suppose similar to you OP, we’re not split but we’re not combined into one account - some bills come out of mine, some his, different shared subscriptions etc. no official 50/50 or proportional to pay etc.

Well you seem to think because you don’t keep tabs that’s a good thing? It jus shows you are each comfortable with you own total spend at the moment.

Your chilled out attitude could come back to bite you if you apply it to rental contracts, house purchases etc if you ever split. or if either of the you ever become a SAHP when it will feel very different.

So my question is should one of you be out of work for 12 months, you for example as you buy the clothes - would no one have new clothes? Or DP would you just not pay the bills? Would you expect paying back when DP earning again?

I think a joint account also works well for us as neither of us are really spenders.

I rarely buy clothes and when I do it is usually from a charity shop. I do buy books sometimes but, again, often from charity shops or else from Amazon as they are usually the cheapest.

Why couldn’t you spend it at the same time? If you have the money and the mortgage etc is covered, why couldn’t one of you book a holiday and the other on something else they fancy? If you can afford it with a joint account, you can afford it without surely, you have the same family income afterall.

@DotDotaDash So my question is should one of you be out of work for 12 months, you for example as you buy the clothes - would no one have new clothes? Or DP would you just not pay the bills? Would you expect paying back when DP earning again?

I can probably answer this since I've said we have completely separate finances and don't really keep tabs or work out who spends the most. Obviously you just make some adjustments. A few years ago I took a temporary 50% pay cut. DH just automatically took on paying for a few more bits and transferred some extra money over to me each month as the mortgage comes out of my account. We didn't sit down with bits of paper and a calculator. He just said do you need me to give you a bit extra money while you're not working so much? Is x amount enough?
As simple as that.

I think it also shows that we’re happy with the others’ total spend. Yes we don’t keep tabs on amounts going out, but if DP’s habits suddenly became very extravagant or vice versa the other would notice and probably instigate a conversation.

An example of this is that DP used to like to offer to pick up the bill when we were out with friends for dinner. After a few times of this I asked why, and DP thought about it and said it was polite and generous and what their dad used to do, so it just felt like the right way to end a meal. That it felt awkward not to offer. I asked whether DP’s parents friends did the same (aka picked up the whole bill sometimes), and DP said they did and thought it was a bit rude that our friends didn’t. I said it was probably just different expectations, and that as our friends weren’t reciprocating, could DP restrict the offers to get the whole bill just to someone’s birthday or for a special treat, and DP said it’d still feel odd as not what they grew up with but that as our friends clearly all didn’t feel this way, yes offers to treat people would only come on birthdays etc.

To answer your question about what we’d do if one of us was out of work for 12 months. We’d have a conversation and decide together what to cut back on. I think letting the one still in work continue to have treats and new things while making the other scrimp would be pretty mean and quickly lead to resentments. Unless the one not in work was making no effort to find work, but that would be a larger problem.

I think if one of us became a SAHP we’d do the same and make it a shared decision and a shared cost. After all, whichever one was parenting, would be raising our kid, not off on a jolly.

I think if you're coming into a relationship (living together) when you're both older, you've been married before, you both have assets, you have dc that aren't shared etc. etc. it's different to two people setting up home together in their 20s and starting a family.I'm not going to start, at my age, discussing all my purchases with anyone, I'm also not going to start tracking DPs spending, to make sure there's enough to cover bills.

We'll agree what's an appropriate amount for us both to contribute to a bills account and a savings account and the rest will stay in personal accounts.

I'd say you have separate finances OP.
To me shared finances means all income is paid into a joint account and all savings accounts are joint.

DP and I have no joint accounts. We have our own assets, investments and savings. We have been together for 25 years so effectively it's all family money and we make big financial decisions together, but our finances are separate.

Because the money might not be in there?

We invest a lot, so having all our disposable income sitting in a single account wouldn’t be beneficial, but it would have to be, as what if on the same day DH wanted to spend £7k on something and used the joint account without having a look or checking first.

It’s so much easier knowing how much is there and only needing to care about how much of that pot I am planning to spend. Then wondering if DH is also planning to use the pot.

Whether the money is in separate or joint accounts, if we are making a large purchase, we check in with one another. DH and I are a complete financial unit, but because of our age and because we both have jobs, pensions, and life histories, we have many accounts of many types. Some of those are joint, some of them are not. Whenever one of us makes a significant financial decision, we discuss that decision.

For example, DH just got a large bonus. We sat down over lunch and decided how to make sure it was used wisely. DH got something he had been wanting for quite some time, we bought dd a nice Christmas gift, I didn’t want anything because I already got very spoiled recently, and we invested the bulk of the money in two long term accounts of equal size, one in each of our names. We had researched what type of investment to make and made that decision together.

You’ve got separate finances OP.