To be surprised that so many people have separate finances?

[PlumPudd]

DP and I pretty much share out the paying of our costs, with perhaps a bit of accounting for the fact that we’re on different incomes. The main costs, mortgage, bills, shopping, childcare etc. we broadly split by income, so we have direct debits set up and DP pays a bit more than me. For more discretionary things like clothes, meals out, toiletries, memberships etc. we sometimes pay for our own and sometimes get for both, for example the Amazon account is in DP’s name and we both just get things from there when needed. If I’m doing a clothes shop from H&M DP will add a few bits and I’ll just pay to save on the cost of two deliveries.

Savings are also seen as broadly common e.g. we’re about to move and I’m putting in a bit more than DP just because I’ve ended up with more in the bank, and DP covered some other big costs from their account earlier in the year.

We don’t really keep count, or get pissed off if one pays for more than the other on a particular month as we see the money as our shared money, that’s financing our shared life, regardless of whose income it originally came out of. DP also doesn’t expect me to spend less on discretionary things because my income is a bit lower. It probably helps that neither of us has exorbitant hobbies and that we have a broadly similar view of what’s reasonable to spend on what.

I thought until recently that this is how most couples were, (assuming they are in a committed and happy relationship - different if things are rocky of course) but a few friends have been quite shocked and said that no, they keep their finances very separate. And pay 50 50 or some other carefully calculated split for shared cost like rent / mortgage and then pay for everything else out of their own salary and have their own savings.

So what do you do and why?

My question would be what’s the benefit to joining everything?

I see no benefit for us as a family to have a single joint account and get paid into that, neither does DH.

When one person earns significantly less it makes sense or when someone gives up work to care for kids definitely. But if both parties work and earn well my view is why bother.

Had a joint account thirty years ago with first hubby. Never again.

DH has three lazy adult children and I have none. No way is he subsidising them with my money.

YANBU if that works for you.

We always had a joint account for bills and food since we got a mortgage together - so five years before we got married. But we also kept our own individual current accounts.

So we don't pay all our salaries into the joint account, we just pay in by standing order what will cover the monthly outgoings. We also have savings accounts attached so we can save up to pay for holidays, cars etc.

The rest is our own money to do with as we please, up to a point. I know it really helps me with budgeting that all the outgoings come out when I get paid and I know then what I have left over each month for discretionary spending.

We both prefer it this way as we do't have to justify every purchase to one another. A bit of a grey area is clubs and activities or money we spend on DDs generally -either one of us pays these from our own account or we pay them from the joint account if there is money to cover it. Also we pay for our own travel to/from work from our own accounts, even though that is a routine expense.

We are in our fifties and have separate finances, we are quite well off.

I went out and bought a thousand pound item related to my hobby last year and balls would I want to have to justify that purchase or even consider someone else’s opinion.

Plus stuff I don’t agree with. DH writes bloody loads of Christmas cards and posts all of them. It doesn’t cost a huge amount, maybe £50 per year but over 25 years, not one penny do I want to spend on them. It’s the same every year he asks if I want to sign them, I always say no, shall he add me ? If he likes. It’s a routine we have every year.

When it comes to charity we also support different ones, I am more regular and he gives a chunk to DEC appeals.

Also if everything is joint and both have access to the account, how do you buy the other person a gift and surprise them? If they look at the account they will know exactly where it is from and how much you spent. Or that at least you have drawn cash out to a certain value.

PayPal is your friend in this situation. Or Apple Pay 😂

Take out cash, if you want to obfuscate take out a larger amount and use it for that weeks groceries or coffee or whatever. But tbh neither of us comb through the statement looking at what each other has spent. Unless we were particularly tight one month I doubt my husband would even notice if I spent money let alone what I spent it on.

Throughout the time I was married I had a joint account. I thought this was normal, afterall the expenses are shared

No joint account here. DH earns more than me so pays for more than I do. Quite simple really. For us anyway. We've been together 30 years and have never rowed about money.

Paypal and GPay still comes out of the account. I get a notification on my phone immediately when I spend anything on there.🤔

@mydogisthebest totally agree with you there.

I have a friend who when her and her DH go food shopping they have two separate trolleys, pay separately and then have two cupboards for their own food like students! Absolutely baffles me.

I'm not a victim, nor am I trying to be

Totally separate. Every month DP adds up the bills and I pay half via the bank app. My money is my own.

We share all money.
I was a sahm for years and now I’m earning it all just goes in the pot.
DH doesn’t even have his own account. I do, but that was for when we were wanting CB to go into it just in case anything happened to him and I couldn't access the joint money. It all gets spent in the same way though.
We’ve never had much extra spending money though so maybe that makes a difference.
For the demographics we’re early 40s, married 20 years and it’s been like this since we married.

I get that for some they prefer to keep finances separate. I just find it hard to imagine that separation as when we married we became family and everything became ours whether that was money, worries, or joy.

We do what you do, have own accounts but have dd into the joint account which pays for the mortgage and bills. So you like us got have gotal merged accounts each is vv common. Everyone I know keeps their own account too.

Financial abuse happens because one partner is a twat, whether the accounts are joint or otherwise. One of the key things for success of a long term relationship is being on the same page where money is concerned. That doesn't mean you earn the same amount as the other person but you have a very similar attitude to saving and spending.

So what is important, with all of these posts about what works and doesn't work, for couples is that regardless of whether finances are totally separate, partly joint or wholly joint then that arrangement works for that particular couple.

There is no objective right and wrong when it comes to joint or separate finances but there is when it comes to financial abuse.

We used to have a mixture of joint accounts and separate accounts, eventually ditched the joint accounts and now split expenses, not particularly evenly probably, but doesn't matter. I guess we are better off now than we were so not so much need to keep track of our income/expenditure by using a joint account. I would hate having to explain some slightly extravagant purchase made off a joint account, or taking money for presents from one.

We've never had separate finances really. When we were renting with other people in a house share we did, when we bought our first property we opened a joint account, for a while I paid from my account into the joint and he did the same, eventually it got too much of a faff, we both closed our individual accounts and everything went joint.

Dh earns 10 or 20 times what I earn, this has fluctuated over the years as I am self-employed but definitely at the moment as i'm studying too. We do have money under individual names - i have a pension in my name only, we have ISAs which you can't hold jointly, and I have a chunk of premium bonds which can't be held jointly either. But we are both well aware of where all the money is.

DH and I have combined finances except for tax purposes.
I dont know anyone else in our peer group who does that. Split finances are the norm.
Im early 50s - been married since we were in our thirties. We both work although i was a SAHM for 5 years in between.

Why be married if you're not a team We are an absolute team, but sometimes I Fancy coffee and cake, or buying myself something new without having to explain it. I couldn't agree more with the present thing, or surprising each other now and again - DH will buy me the odd bunch of flowers, my engagement ring cost £1800 - I'd have definitely noticed that disappear from a joint account.

We a sole account each for whatever we wish, and a joint account for everything else - bills, childcare, groceries, mortgage. We know that all necessary bills are paid without having to even think about it (standing orders on payday into that account)

Our owns accounts are to do with as we please, DH buys a pack of golf balls or I'm buying a yoga mat it's just easy. We've been together 12 years and its always been like this, we know each other's income, we have each other's pin numbers etc it's not secretive - it works.

How can someone not want every single penny of their income not to be used to help 'the family'. I couldnt look my children in the eye if i worked that way

You couldn’t look at yourself in the eye of every single penny didn’t go to them/the family??
So you don’t think it’s acceptable to treat yourself to a coffee, new shoes, have your nails done, meet with friends for dinner??

sometimes I Fancy coffee and cake, or buying myself something new without having to explain it.

Our finances are shared and I would never feel the need to explain what I'm spending. Nor would I expect DH to explain if he wanted a new jumper, some coffee, whatever. Big purchases are discussed, but not day to day spending

My parents share finances. My Mum stopped working forever when I was kid. I don't think this was discussed properly. I think my Mum feels trapped and my Dad at times resents her for it.

Because of this I resolved to always be financially independent and also have control over my earned money. Me and my partner discussed financial attitudes prior to moving in and think splitting bills and then having our own money is the best way to reduce any resentment. I earn more so I will buy big purchases (holiday, new washer) but they key is I OFFERED this he does not expect it. I will also help him out on non-frivolous costs if he is going to struggle i.e. car repairs.

We review money somewhat often and check in if we still feel the arrangement is fair / is working based on current circumstances.

I think it is nice to share finances completely but as a couple I don't think it would work for us.

If you feel that you have to explain the fact you've got a coffee and a cake when out with friends, you have bigger issues than money.

I am meeting a friend for lunch in town tomorrow. DH's response when I mentioned my plans was "ooh nice, where are you going" rather than "what are you going to spend?