To be surprised that so many people have separate finances?

[PlumPudd]

DP and I pretty much share out the paying of our costs, with perhaps a bit of accounting for the fact that we’re on different incomes. The main costs, mortgage, bills, shopping, childcare etc. we broadly split by income, so we have direct debits set up and DP pays a bit more than me. For more discretionary things like clothes, meals out, toiletries, memberships etc. we sometimes pay for our own and sometimes get for both, for example the Amazon account is in DP’s name and we both just get things from there when needed. If I’m doing a clothes shop from H&M DP will add a few bits and I’ll just pay to save on the cost of two deliveries.

Savings are also seen as broadly common e.g. we’re about to move and I’m putting in a bit more than DP just because I’ve ended up with more in the bank, and DP covered some other big costs from their account earlier in the year.

We don’t really keep count, or get pissed off if one pays for more than the other on a particular month as we see the money as our shared money, that’s financing our shared life, regardless of whose income it originally came out of. DP also doesn’t expect me to spend less on discretionary things because my income is a bit lower. It probably helps that neither of us has exorbitant hobbies and that we have a broadly similar view of what’s reasonable to spend on what.

I thought until recently that this is how most couples were, (assuming they are in a committed and happy relationship - different if things are rocky of course) but a few friends have been quite shocked and said that no, they keep their finances very separate. And pay 50 50 or some other carefully calculated split for shared cost like rent / mortgage and then pay for everything else out of their own salary and have their own savings.

So what do you do and why?

Also sometimes one half of a couple is simply horrendous with money and you'd be mad to share a bank account with them.

Lol at the idea that separate finances means that you're not a team.

You're also overlooking the fact that some couples earn enough that their joint contributions can comfortably cover everything whilst leaving the rest separate.

We jointly agree what is spent from shared funds and we don't interfere with separate disposable income.

Take for example, a holiday we're having next year for a friend's foreign wedding. It's looking a bit expensive, and we've agreed a budget from the joint expenses, and are hoping to get a deal. I might be pregnant then. If it costs more, I'd skip it on principle, but my husband is happy to pay the excess. Or he might go alone.

I think that's perfectly good teamwork and negotiation around shared assets personally.

I think people make assumptions about what is the norm based on their own and their parents' choices. My parents were married for well over 50 years, until they both passed away, and they lived their married life perfectly happily with separate finances. Of course they were a "real unit". And no, clearly they didn't assume that marriage was a short term thing.
Exactly the same as DH and I, who are still perfectly happy with keeping separate accounts after 25 years.

What is kind of sad is people thinking that others who choose to make different arrangements don't have such strong marriages or aren't such strong teams. Why do you feel the need to believe that your marriage is stronger because of the way you organise your finances? Why do you think your marriage would be weaker if you separated your finances? What is it about your partner's or your own character that means that separate finances would suddenly become inherently unfair?

DH and I are our own people and want to spend our own money. We pay into a joint account for bills and work out other things between us like holidays and meals out etc. At the moment he pays more towards the bills because I pay ds' rent for his room at university.

I would hate to have a joint account and have DH seeing everything I buy. It's up to me once the bills are paid.

And paying for presents by cash doesn't really work when you order things online.

We've been married nearly 25 years by the way, so no lack of commitment!

To me it’s not about justifying, it’s about keeping money for bills, saving and spending separate for budgeting/saving reasons.

So we have 95% of our money in a joint / joint savings but for me it’s easier to have my ‘own’ card with my ‘own’ money while going out to dinner with a friend or shopping after work. That way I know there is £300 to blow on a jacket rather than spending money on the joint that is actually due to come out on a DD in a weeks time.

We don’t just leave our whole salary in the joint, we save straight away rather than saving what’s left over. ‘Frivolous’ money being separate just makes that quick and easy to do.

Same. It's weird people think they'd have to justify normal daily purchases from a joimt account, I said earlier that DH and I don't even look at what each other buys generally.

If we were buying a sofa or something then yeah but otherwise we're both free to use the money

We have our own credit cards that are paid off in full every month from the joint account. So by the time the money comes out, the gift has already been received. We’re not really the type to quibble about who spends what, we have similar spending habits and it’s never been an issue.

What a weird thread, OP you have split finances.
We have joint current account and joint savings account. Everything goes into it, everything comes out from it. Neither of us questions the other ones spending.

@luxxlisbon explained it much better than me, it's not about having to justify it - DH has no care in the world if I come home with new boots, or say I met a friend for lunch while at work - Vice versa, but knowing I can just do this as there's money in my account without having to think about what's due to come out in the next week or 2 or check what bills are due, for us just works.

Maybe this is because our earnings are pretty much on a par with each other, but while we are paying out £1200 a month in childcare fees the leftovers after bills do have to be kept an eye on - having our own accounts allows us each to know what we are able to spend each month, without have to do a reconciliation before deciding if we can afford that new coat or not this month.

Separate and pay X amount into the house account. It would make me overthink too much if we pooled money.

@DontMakeMeShushYou also completely this What is kind of sad is people thinking that others who choose to make different arrangements don't have such strong marriages or aren't such strong teams.

how many threads on here a week of women who want to leave but have 0 access to separate money - neither relationship is stronger because of how finances are arranged.

I was raised with a SAHM and a dad with a single joint account, he questioned every penny she spent, justifying why she bought the more expensive school shoes when there were some £10 cheaper. Maybe that's why I do not ever wish to be in a similar position.

Same.
If I look at the joint on day 1 it’s easy to think ‘wow there so much money I can do whatever I want with it’, but then £1500 comes out for the mortgage, and then bills and then £1000 for childcare at the end of the month etc.
With my personal spending money in a separate account it’s easy to see and say ‘slow your roll moneybags, you’ve actually only got £150 left for the rest of the month to spend on shit you don’t need without dipping into money earmarked for savings’.

Under 35 and we have one account where we get paid into. We get a little amount each month transferred into our own accounts for Christmas and birthday presents if we need to. Everything else comes from joint account.

I think it's a bit odd that you have separate accounts but then buy for each other. Most couples have joint accounts or a joint one for household and personal one for themselves.

I don't chase my DP if I pick him something up from the shops on my way home but we do pay each other back for bigger purchases like clothes or Amazon orders. Otherwise we may as well have joint accounts.

Been married over 30 years & never had a joint account. Just agree who pays for what, which can vary, & then basically never need to discuss money again. So simple & straightforward - I genuinely couldn't be bothered with all the negotiating some people seem to do. Plus it gives both of us a measure of independence, which is so important.

We're in our sixties and have been married over 25 years. Always had separate finances and it works for us. I just pay a direct debit monthly to my husband's account for roughly half the bills. We are most definitely a team. Sometimes he pays restaurant bills, sometimes me. Likewise house repairs, car servicing etc. It roughly works itself out and neither of us stress about the small stuff. But separate accounts are important for me regarding the big stuff - we have our own savings and I would never sacrifice my financial autonomy, nor would my husband expect it. When we moved house a few years ago we ended up with some surplus equity which we split 50/50 into our separate savings. While he's a brilliant step-dad, I feel responsible for my daughter and it was me who paid for her wedding, and gave her a sizeable deposit for their house. I've also done other stuff for her during an expensive time for them paying childcare. Money is never an issue for us and has never caused arguments. Our savings are similar amounts, as are our pensions income. It works well - no reason to change it.

I always had separate finances with my exH and can't see me doing anything different with DP when we move in together.

I've no idea how you keep track with joint accounts, I know exactly what's in my accounts and what's due out, plus what I'm planning to spend money on this month because there's only me using the account, moving money around etc.

Surely there are thousands of different ways to arrange finances in a relationship? As long as both people have a fair amount of access to funds and spending money then I don't think there really is any right or wrong. Whatever works is all good.

We have one bank account, both our salaries are paid into it. All bills, savings and all individual spending comes out of it. We are early 40s.
However we both earn similar amounts and have similar attitudes to spending, so money is not something we argue about or worry about what the other is spending. I think this is key to shared finances.

Yup, separate accounts, pay 50:50 into joint account for joint stuff.
Everything else no need to merge it.
I love it!
Fancy a new car or weekend break or wardrobe stuff etc, just do it, no need to discuss.

All of our money goes into our joint account then my DH (who is an accountant) moves some into savings and then all the direct debits come out of that. Seems like the easiest set up to me.

We pool everything - always have - when we first got married we each (very fortunate I know) owned our own homes - so we sold up & bought together, honestly can't remember who put what in now. At that time we were earning very similar salaries; we chose not to have a family until we had been married ten years ... then I took 12 years off & never returned to my previous salary level. Now DH has retired & I continue to work part time. It works for us but we have very similar attitudes to spending which clearly helps ... we are both quite frugal and risk averse. But equally neither of us cares what the other spends (assuming we don't go overdrawn) & are lucky to be financially secure. I can't imagine either of us 'asking' if we can spend £X for example.

But I think it's a real issue if you have different attitudes towards money ... a friend of mine was obsessed with ensuring she and her DH had exactly the same personal spending money ... her DH bought a jacket and she went out and spent exactly the same on something for herself .... regardless of whether she wanted or needed anything. They are now divorced.

We're in our early 40s. Married 2 kids. All finances shared but separate credit cards.

Both wages paid into joint account, all bills paid from there. Joint savings account. Use own Credit cards to buy gifts etc and pay them monthly from joint account.

It works because we're both actively trying to build savings do pretty equal in spending.

I think if you have ever experienced a long term relationship breaking down, you will be a lot more careful in the future. Most people are a lot more aware nowadays that relationships often don't last a lifetime.

But you do still have separate finances. We don't really have separate bank accounts at all.