To be so upset about being left out?

[Jiminycrickets]

Son (12) was really excited to go trick or treating. One of his friend’s Mums started a group chat with the Mums of several kids who live locally, trying to drum up enthusiasm for a local group to head out, I responded enthusiastically, volunteered husband to take the group. Nobody else responded all day. Eventually my (close) friend (who is also a school Mum) responded with a strange cagey non-response. I ended up calling her and she ummed and ahhhed a while before admitting there was a party, that her son and all of the other kids nearby were invited to, with the exception of my son and his friend (whose Mum had started the group chat).

The other child was devastated, too devastated to go out with my son, due to the awkwardness of potentially running into the group, and the mother got angry and ended up blasting the party organiser.

There was no last minute invitation to join the party. My son was left with no one to go with. The party group (of 8 kids) then came and trick or treated MY HOUSE.

What the actual hell? What kind of parent excludes two out of ten kids?! How dare they treat my son like that and then come to take our sweets?!!

AIBU? This is just such an awful way to treat children and neighbours! How could they have not had room for two more to walk in a group?

Im also really feeling betrayed by my friend for not giving me a heads up, I feel embarrassed by my enthusiasm to be met by silence of the “chosen ones”. She should have told me because now I feel like an idiot. And so awkward!

The party organiser also briefly had a Facebook story but then it disappeared, I think she blocked me from the audience. All of the secrecy and weirdness makes me think they knew it would be hurtful.

I just feel sick to go out in my neighbourhood now.
And like I can’t even feel comfortable around my friend.

Is it an overreaction?

Oh my goodness this is so mean 😢 xxx

It is pretty awful they came to your house!

Your son has had a hard experience, but there is nothing you can do to force people to invite him. The parents are often the problem.

It's understandable you're upset for him. Can you do something with the one other boy this weekend, invite him to yours or go bowling? It might be good for them to become more friendly.

I should add that I am way more upset than my son. He just made a comment that they didn’t have room. Rubbish, but he doesn’t see it for what it is.

It just feels like bitchy girls excluding again, like high school. I realise I might be triggered and overreacting, hence the AIBU.

Not an overreaction at all. What horrible people! Why do some feel the need to behave like this?? Presumably there hasn't been a falling out among the children? In which case this was 100% the mums involved being absolute bitches. Don't be afraid to go out. They're the ones who should be ashamed!

I would feel exactly the same as you. As though everyone was secretly laughing up their sleeve at me and the actual cheek of coming to your house?!

I’m sorry this happened. I would definitely be asking my friend what the hell had gone on.

YADBU. That sounds horrendous.

Definitely NOT that should say!!

They were mean to come to your house but did they have an adult walking with them or just the children. I can well imagine 12 year olds wouldn’t have the empathy about knocking on in this situation

Are your DS and your close friends DS actually friends? (Just because the adults are doesn’t mean the DC need to be). What did your friend actually say ?

My son and my close friend’s son are good friends. But they were guests, not the party organisers.

And it was kids, without an adult. My son was out with my husband so doesn’t know.
I didn’t answer the door, I saw them on the nest.

I am always torn by these type of threads. Yes it is sad for your child to not be invited but no one can make children be friends etc. They are 12 not little ones you can engineer things for . I used to have huge guilt at primary about who we had for parties etc and it became too complicated and in the end had to just go with what the children wanted. I assume there is more to this situation which might put it in context.

YANBU. My daughter is going through something similar atm with 'friends' from school, it's heartbreaking to see it.

It is heartbreaking. I just couldn’t do it, unless there was a very serious issue, I would include the two, knowing the pain it would cause.
There are no serious issues that I know of, nothing from the school and nothing from the parents, nothing. The other child is a LOVELY boy, so sweet and laid back, I can’t see him having a problem with anyone. And he’s devastated! And they still didn’t include him.

I just would have said on the chat when it became obvious: why not join us? We are organising a group too! But silence. It just feels cruel.

DD was the only child in the class not invited to a party last year- the party child seemed to enjoy handing out the invites and not inviting her (10). I despair of parents who think this is ok 😔

Age 12 there’s quite possibly something you don’t know about. You can’t make them be friends. Kids will go to every house with a pumpkin.

Odd behaviour by the party organiser. Why didn’t your close friend ask if your DS and the other could come, it’s just a little group so surely the more the merrier 🤷‍♀️

I can only presume some of the DC don’t get along, or the group that’s invited does a sport together ?

I am glad your DS still went out with his Dad

Have experienced similar.
I'm sorry you're going through this.

The fact that you've been added to a group chat is the thing that makes this cruel.
Your friend has been put in an awkward position. It's difficult for some people to be the bearer or bad news, think they don't want to be a trouble maker and/or have others fall out with or leave them out.

I had a neighbour/friend decide I was no longer their kind of person. This led to them leaving me out of things I was previously invited to. Quite significantly, another neighbour who had been a very good friend then completely fell out with me. Its a long complicated story but Jim trying to express my situation before giving you this advice.

Easier said than done but try to accept that, for whatever reason some members or maybe a member of the group doesn't consider you a friend. It likely has nothing to do with the children and if DS I'd fine with his friends leave them to it.

The person who sent you a cagey message was trying to not be a twat. It's good that you called her and had a conversation. Despite it being reluctant, she did let you know what was going on.
I have a friend who is still on good terms with the neighbours that shunned me.
It's been difficult for her to be 'in the middle' but she has previously let me kńow when there have been events I wouldn't fail to notice coming up. Keep hold of that person and accept that they are in an uncomfortable position.

Fake being okay around the group when you do see them.
I didn't initially.
I found it so excruciatingly hard to step out of my front door.
I avoided them (so hard when they are your literal neighbours) and in doing so became distant from others. Avoiding seeing or being near them meant not speaking to mutual friends.

It's crappy, really crappy.

Were you added to the group chat BTW or was it an existing one?
If you were added, whoever started it is incredibly nasty and must have had another chat going on to change things without you being aware.
If it's an existing group chat have you ever known people be a part of the group and them leave previously?

I hope this all feels less wretched for you as the time goes on and that you have other less ridiculous friends who don't act like 15 year olds.

I too am a bit torn here. In real life, people get excluded. The kids will pick who they prefer and parents will have limited numbers. While i admit i wouldnt like my son to be excluded, i think you are over reacting. Although, i think it is the height of bad manners for them to have come trick or treating at your door!

Try not to take it personally OP. These situations are rarely personal slights.

Your friend did nothing wrong btw...it wasnt up to her to tell you about the party.

That's awful trick n treating at your house, literally bullying. But I can see the other kid not wanting an adult chaperone to...but I guess if you live somewhere like London maybe at that age its needed.
I'd be cutting ties and living a separate life but remaining civil for the sake of your child.

I would have responded with my standard “YANU to feel upset but these things happen and unfortunately kids need to get used to it blah blah” until I got to the bit where you said they came trick or treating to your house. I would have found it very hard not to turn a hose on them at that point tbh, possibly with my best mad witches cackle to cover my intent, that is beyond meanness.

I get what you're saying @Dacadactyl but OP was in the group chat so her child was initially included but then excluded.

That doesn't sound like kids making any choices. It sounds like Parents having a group of preferred people.

*I could absolutely be seeing this through my own experience of an idiot playgroup mum/neighbour and therefore getting it a bit wrong

Thinking the kids came trick or treating not aware of the adult's group chat

I think I misread...thought it was neighbours kids party....obviously not...they we're just invited...so I'd not cut ties but just encourage DC to make other friends and grow out of them....and just be a little more distant and eventually drop em....maybe gently find out why son wasn't really invited...

Just to clarify, I was not in a group chat beforehand. The other excluded Mum started a new chat to try to get together a group. It became obvious that everyone apart from us to on that group had plans, having been invited at some earlier time. We two were completely in the dark.