To be so upset about being left out?

[Jiminycrickets]

Son (12) was really excited to go trick or treating. One of his friend’s Mums started a group chat with the Mums of several kids who live locally, trying to drum up enthusiasm for a local group to head out, I responded enthusiastically, volunteered husband to take the group. Nobody else responded all day. Eventually my (close) friend (who is also a school Mum) responded with a strange cagey non-response. I ended up calling her and she ummed and ahhhed a while before admitting there was a party, that her son and all of the other kids nearby were invited to, with the exception of my son and his friend (whose Mum had started the group chat).

The other child was devastated, too devastated to go out with my son, due to the awkwardness of potentially running into the group, and the mother got angry and ended up blasting the party organiser.

There was no last minute invitation to join the party. My son was left with no one to go with. The party group (of 8 kids) then came and trick or treated MY HOUSE.

What the actual hell? What kind of parent excludes two out of ten kids?! How dare they treat my son like that and then come to take our sweets?!!

AIBU? This is just such an awful way to treat children and neighbours! How could they have not had room for two more to walk in a group?

Im also really feeling betrayed by my friend for not giving me a heads up, I feel embarrassed by my enthusiasm to be met by silence of the “chosen ones”. She should have told me because now I feel like an idiot. And so awkward!

The party organiser also briefly had a Facebook story but then it disappeared, I think she blocked me from the audience. All of the secrecy and weirdness makes me think they knew it would be hurtful.

I just feel sick to go out in my neighbourhood now.
And like I can’t even feel comfortable around my friend.

Is it an overreaction?

In reading the OP, it seems that he did know the kids, who were neighbours or school mates. Why would the other excluded boy have felt “devastated” at being left out and not want to run into the group trick or treating?

Kids and mean mums play games of exclusion and I want no part of it. I will never confront these people but I distance myself because spending my time around toxic people is not my idea of fun.

Hi @Jiminycrickets I haven't voted yet, but if I do it will be to say that YANBU. I have to apologise to you as I have only read all of your posts on this subject (as there are now 12 pages) - up to about 5pm when I started writing this - so will have missed it if someone else has brought up what I am about to suggest.

The first thing that really jogged me when I read your OP was when you said

"I responded enthusiastically, volunteered husband to take the group."

I must admit that I was rather surprised by you volunteering your husband, especially at this juncture. Can you copy to us here your exact words on the group chat please? As it might have appeared a bit forward to volunteer your DH to take the group, and they might have wondered why he should take the group - maybe the mum who started the chat wanted to do that herself? I know that it appears on the surface that they could have said immediately and quickly something like "no thanks, we already have that covered, but thank you - or rather your husband - for the kind offer". But how you worded your enthusiastic response may have been miscrued as cheeky fuckery, that is why I think that seeing how you worded it, could help us answer whether you are being unreasonable or not to be upset over this, or whether you are partly unreasonable due to not realising that you had somehow managed to cause offence.

My thoughts are that maybe the starter of the group chat, and a few others, did think it was unreasonable of you to offer your husband for the job of leading the group (I presume you did asked him before you offered his services?), maybe because they are of the opinion that they don't need a man to chaperone their DC, and that if they had felt that the 12 year old children needed a chaperone, one of the mums was quite capable of doing so? However, in my mind, if they had thought that, or some other thing that I haven't thought of, they were being pathetic not to just give you something like the reply I suggested in my second paragraph. I presume if that was the case, that they spent some of the day discussing how to tell you "no", they didn't want that - hence the long silence - and then decided the best way for them to tell you was to get your friend to do the deed, but if that is the case I do think they were being too childish, and should have told you straight away. We humans can spend a lot of angst on the silliest of things, and I am in no means immune to that!

Unfortunately, I have no idea why the other child was not invited, perhaps they felt his mother had committed some misdemeanour too? But of course, whatever their reasoning was, they should have still invited your son and his soon to be good friend too!
Anyway my thinking above is why I have not yet given you a full YANBU, in case the way you worded the offer of your husband could have been mistaken as either a slight of their abilities to chaperone the children themselves, or that they just thought (maybe quite reasonably because of your possible wording) you were being a CF to make the offer in the first place. I suppose if your wording wasn't crystal clear, that maybe you should accept some of the blame yourself, in which case I won't vote, as there is no third option! But they were still out of order to leave the two boys out of the invites, unless the boys were objectionable in some way in their own rights, but that does not seem to be the case here.

I think that if I was in your shoes OP, when I had calmed down, I would like to meet up with the friend who had eventually told me the truth, to try and find out more of what had actually happened, and to reassure her that I don't blame her at all. Anyway, I am very sorry that you and your son, and especially the other poor boy who was more upset about the rejection, went through this upset. Events like this are supposed to be fun occassions, but we humans can be so nasty to each other at times. By the way, you said that the boys who came trick or treating to your house didn't have any adults with them, so I expect they were completely oblivious to the occult goings on!!

I was expecting the children to be primary aged. 12 is too old for trick-or-treating. It's also too old for parents to get this agitated about who's doing what, or why your particular child has been left out of something. At 12, the children would normally be organising this sort of thing themselves anyway. Parents shouldn't be involved, beyond being in the right place at the right time to collect/drop off. It was nice of you to volunteer your husband to chaperone them, OP, but they don't need chaperoning at 12. Though this also brings me back to them being too old to knock on doors for sweets.

As always, encourage lots of friendships (not just with the children who are geographically closest). Model a positive attitude. It's rubbish when you feel that your child has been slighted, but you can't allow yourself to become too invested or else the teenage years will be hell.

Ok, I've just seen that I'd missed a couple of the OP's later posts and they do attend the same school. It didn't sound like it from the first posts, where she described them as "a few children living locally" with no mention of the school. And later she said that the one mum she knows well is also a "school mum" - I took that to mean that the others aren't as that was otherwise a strange comment.

Either way, unless it's a really tiny country secondary school with just 10 students (or 10 boys if the party was all boys) in their year group that still doesn't mean that everyone has to be invited to a small party, regardless of where they live, or that those who haven't been invited have been "excluded". The OP has repeatedly said that her son isn't friends with the host and doesn't know most of the others very well. And that the WhatsApp group didn't exist until the other mum set it up to suggest Trick-or-Treating together.

My DS doesn't choose his friends based on where they live. I think it's unreasonable of parents of 12-year-olds to expect that others do. If they aren't in the same classes, share interests etc they may well hardly have spoken to each other.

I still don't think that anyone has been deliberately mean or meant to actively exclude two children they hardly know from a small party at their own house. They may not even have been able to invite all their own friends if space was limited. The friend whose child was invited was in an awkward situation and could have handled it better, but she probably wanted to try to spare OP's feelings, and also it wasn't her place to invite more guests.

OP, the whole thing was unfortunate but I'd try to forget and move on. No, the host and his mother aren't your friends but then you know that. That doesn't mean that they have anything against you or your son, just that, you know, they're not close friends.

Not sure why you're asking? But no they weren't invited - my son didn't want them here, he was allowed to invite 5 friends from school and he didn't choose that child within the 5, I've just accepted that they're not that close, it's not that big a deal. However - the whole class was invited to my son's birthday party in October - if he had said he didn't want that child there I'd have empathised with him but explained that it's not kind to leave one child out and that child would have been invited because the whole class was coming and that child is part of the class.
The "ignoring them trick or treating" was referring to the group of children who excluded OP's child but trick or treated at their house. I wouldn't dream of ignoring a 5 year old because they didn't want my son at their birthday party 🙄

Good that you invited him to October party even tho your son wasn’t invited to his

as you said it’s mean to not invite just one

and to the person who said 12 is too old to t&t

I disagree. We had lots of older kids on Monday night

all in costume

All polite and said thanks and all took one

they enjoyed it

I think a local neighbourhood event, like Halloween trick or treating, is about the neighbourhood - not friendship groups. You wouldn't have a street party for the Coronation and end the barricade to leave two end houses out of it. Those involved in Halloween will be expecting people to dish out the sweets, when they knock, after all.

I do sort of get it, but better to adjust things to include all the local kids, even if you'd been thinking of a party..

So on Halloween, does your doorbell only ring once, with the entire neighbourhood stood there when you answer?!

If you go trick or treating, you expect the whole neighbourhood to join in the fun and the spirit. It's like a play without an audience if too many people ignore your knock, or climb out of their car on the driveway, and tell you to get lost.

My grandson, some years ago when in reception class, was the only child in the class of 30 to be excluded from a party. His social skills weren't the best but he was no actual trouble bless him. It was completely heartbreaking.

But how can people be there to answer their door if they're all supposed to walk around together? Your trick or treating model makes no sense.

The kids walk round and the oldsters are at home.

You don't necessarily circulate in a clan, like in some horror movie, but you buy into the inclusive sentiment, and take on board some more, as the more the merrier.

You can have a few mates round, but then say to those who - or their mums - have expressed an interest: "Hey, join us for the circuit!". Bring a few snacks to share.Split up into little groups which keep changing.

Much nicer.

So every child needs to be with every other child in a one mile vicinity of their home? Absolute nonsense. There’s hundreds of kids who live round me, it would be ridiculous to be noting down every one and trying to invite every single child to every single event, regardless of whether my child knows or likes them.

And then when they ‘split up into little groups that keep changing’ what happens when op’s son isn’t in the group he wants to be in? Or John is with a group of kids he doesn’t know? Is he then ‘excluded’ from the group he wants to be in?

It’s just ridiculous. A child invited eight friends to his home. Every other child in the country was not invited, as they’re not his friends. That’s not bullying, or mean, or anything else. It’s just normal.

I don’t understand this. The people having the party chose who to invite. It’s unfortunate that your son and the other boy weren’t on the list but you can’t dictate who people choose to invite. For all you know his mum might have told him to choose x number of friends. You’ll have lots more of this over the years..the worst thing you can do is take it personally

Guys. It was days ago now. The OP was sad, I personally don’t blame her. I’d be sad too.

But do we really need to keep fighting about bloody trick or treating? Can we not let it die for another year? You’re all clearly up for a good moan, start a thread about twatty neighbour with fireworks or something.

But obviously there is some sort of social bonding, if OP is upset. She hasn't messaged a bunch of strangers, she has thought that there was a reasonable expectation of her son going out with these guys - which he could have done, even if he didn't go into the house for a meal.

Some people were not being very inclusive or neighbourly, whilst expecting all the neighbours to be neighbourly, and to have stocked up with sweets. If you rely on goodwill to make your escapade work, then show some goodwill when planning the event. It's not like every household has made a tentative enquiry, but those who have can get joined in.

No. Not everyone needs to be included in everything all the time. Maybe the mother doesn’t want every random neighborhood kid being forced on her - maybe she wanted her son to invite his own friends. Just because op’s son wanted to go doesn’t mean a child he isn’t friends with needs to invite him.

If he wanted a party maybe he could have arranged one - if it’s so ‘nice’ for all the neighborhood to do everything together then there will be plenty of children outside of these eight specific children.

As for him not going into the house for the meal - I can just see that thread. AIBU that my son is a second hand citizen???? He was allowed to trick or treat with the group (despite not being invited or even being friends with the host) but they didn’t provide him a meal, EXCLUDING him as they have a meal to 7 other children who were friends with the host?

People can be so horrible. Sets a bad example to those included kids too!

YANBU People are dicks. I’m glad your son wasn’t too bothered

Oh it’s just shown up on my Facebook page, I didn’t see the original date!

So on Halloween, does your doorbell only ring once, with the entire neighbourhood stood there when you answer?!

This would make it an easy evening for those us with door duty. 😂

DD was the only child in the class not invited to a party last year- the party child seemed to enjoy handing out the invites and not inviting her (10). I despair of parents who think this is ok 😔

Its always the parents who say " well you can't make them be friends..." who condone this shit. No you fucking can't but you can make them not be plain nasty . Excluding a single kid from a class is nasty. Its bullying, vindictive, and unkind.

Exactly. Some parents will continue to make excuses for their kid’s shitty behaviour but there really is no reasonable excuse for it.

5/545 we go round the block and Knock and t&t

leave a bowl of sweets on doorstep saying gone t&t please take one

or if dh home he opens the door

then 545/645 dd5 opens the door

she loves doing both

pumpkin then in and she’s in bed from 7