To be so upset about being left out?

[Jiminycrickets]

Son (12) was really excited to go trick or treating. One of his friend’s Mums started a group chat with the Mums of several kids who live locally, trying to drum up enthusiasm for a local group to head out, I responded enthusiastically, volunteered husband to take the group. Nobody else responded all day. Eventually my (close) friend (who is also a school Mum) responded with a strange cagey non-response. I ended up calling her and she ummed and ahhhed a while before admitting there was a party, that her son and all of the other kids nearby were invited to, with the exception of my son and his friend (whose Mum had started the group chat).

The other child was devastated, too devastated to go out with my son, due to the awkwardness of potentially running into the group, and the mother got angry and ended up blasting the party organiser.

There was no last minute invitation to join the party. My son was left with no one to go with. The party group (of 8 kids) then came and trick or treated MY HOUSE.

What the actual hell? What kind of parent excludes two out of ten kids?! How dare they treat my son like that and then come to take our sweets?!!

AIBU? This is just such an awful way to treat children and neighbours! How could they have not had room for two more to walk in a group?

Im also really feeling betrayed by my friend for not giving me a heads up, I feel embarrassed by my enthusiasm to be met by silence of the “chosen ones”. She should have told me because now I feel like an idiot. And so awkward!

The party organiser also briefly had a Facebook story but then it disappeared, I think she blocked me from the audience. All of the secrecy and weirdness makes me think they knew it would be hurtful.

I just feel sick to go out in my neighbourhood now.
And like I can’t even feel comfortable around my friend.

Is it an overreaction?

I don't think 12 is too old for a blanket "chaperone not required". In some places and with some children, the parents are totally entitled to make a judgement call on this themselves. It's not mollycoddling or getting overly involved

It's a sure-fire way to destroy your child social life.

Again agree with this.
I avoid people like this who create HUGE dramas out of everything.
The sad thing is it's their DC who suffer.

You’re being ridiculous, way OTT.
If your DS was 6 or 7 I’d have some sympathy about the ‘excluding 2 out of 10’ thing but he’s 12!

You should be having a pleasant chat like “Oh well that was a shame but everyone has the right to choose who they socialise with, we won’t always get invited to everything.”

No parent should feel they have to force their kids to socialise with others, including at infant/primary level.

Hi OP

You've not said if your son is good friends with the boy that had snacks at his house?

Did you ask your friend why your son wasn't invited?

So not really a party.
Your son said that they didn't have room.
Maybe he was right in a way. There were already 8 of them going round together. Surely there has to be a limit.

I live in a flat so don't get anyone knocking but I wouldn't want to be answering my door to large groups of strapping near teenagers.

@butterfliedtwo Oh please don't encourage this neurotic behaviour, the poor kid will be ostracised (if he hasn't been already due to chaperone mollycoddling he obviously endures), and he definitely won't thank his mum for it.

I understand it must have been disappointing, but I really don't think anyone did anything wrong here. A group of boys were going to a party - not the child whose mum had started the thread about T or T. Your son and others were not invited. The group, who were not with an adult and probably didn't know anything about the conversation on the chat, then knocked at your house. I don't think that this means that the children are 'mean, prats, horrible' etc or that parents are deliberately exclusionary, toxic or shitty. Friendships and dynamics change so quickly at this age, not everything is about excluding or victimising someone's child. We were in a similar position yesterday. My son - aged 12 - arranged to go with 5 friends (out of a class of16). The mum of another boy who wasn't invited messaged me this morning to ask why her son was excluded. He wasn't excluded, he just wasn't asked.

The party organiser mum is an arsehole. But the other mum’s are complicit - they also lied. Unless something has happened between the children in the group that you haven’t been told about then it is just mean to leave the two out. In fact even if there was an issue between the kids that the other parents knew about then they should have told you. The fact that they have come to your house to trick or treat. WTAF? Hope you politely told them to fuck off. These parents really need to question the morales they are teaching their kids.

I understand that the first other parents in the WhatsApp knew about the OP not knowing about the party was the day of the message. But tbh even in that scenario I’d be inclined to withdraw my party invitation acceptance on the basis that I don’t want my kids being brought up to think that this sort of behaviour is okay. It’s mean.

This is also why sprout-dipped chocolates were invented…

OP sorry if you've already said but does your son have a phone and whatsapp?

Get yourself out of the WhatsApp group. It will be like picking at a scab it will eat away at you. Life in general and certainly school life can be lived very well without being part of WhatsApp chat groups.

I know. And OP is more level headed clearly, but the fact that they came around the house would have pissed me off. It doesn't require much thinking on the mother's part to encourage kids to stay away from the house of a child you didn't want to include.

I think it will have been difficult for the 7 other parents (including your friend) too. I would assume the radio silence and awkwardness was people sitting on their hands waiting for the host mum to extend the invitation. This is far more likely than them all conspiring behind your back.

I do have some sympathy with the idea that 8 x 12 year olds is more than enough knocking on people's doors, but this is not the way to manage it.

I'm glad that this thread has helped you. I understand your hurt, but I also agree that you shouldn't let your son see it, as he sounds like he's fairly resilient and understands that not everyone can be invited to everything.

Good luck with your positivity!

he mum of another boy who wasn't invited messaged me this morning to ask why her son was excluded. He wasn't excluded, he just wasn't asked

😂In what world do people live in where they are reduced to semantics like this??
If you didn't ask the left out child to a party the result will be the same: they will be excluded from the party, and feel excluded - and not unreasonably!!! It beggars belief that anyone can seriously hang their moral compass on word play.

This. Use it as a teachable moment op. It's perfectly normal to be protective of our children.

@ArtHistory I am sorry to hear that. I really hope you are ok and able to get through it all. Thank you for your post.

Op I just wanted to say I don't think you're unreasonable feeling upset. I'd feel the same and gutted for my DS. It just seems cruel and unnecessary in this situation (it's not a birthday party where birthday child should get to choose but Halloween which should be arranged with everyone in the neighbourhood imo).

Thank you. 🤗

I’m sorry you’re upset, but no one behaved badly here.

A group of 8 lads had an arrangement to get together for snacks and drinks before going Trick Or Treating.

After that had been arranged, a different parent set up a WhatsApp group of 10 parents and suggested a group ToT. OP volunteered her DH as chaperone (a bit weird for Year 8 lads to need a chaperone, but whatever)

The parents of the lads going to the pre-party didn’t comment/were a bit shifty because AWKWARD.

WhatsApp parent had a strop and her son didn’t go ToT at all, OP’s son didn’t fancy it on his own.

The 8 other lads naturally went ToT to all the houses in the neighbourhood - because that is what Hallowe’en is for - and OP took that as deliberate provocation.

I honestly think you’re reading too much into it, OP. We’re you left out as a kid, and are you projecting? Your son is fine and no one was cruel. At 12, the friendship groups are let by the young people.

I don't think you're unreasonable feeling upset either. It does all seem a bit devious, and was obviously engineered by the parents.

Encourage your son to make new friends and move on. And yes, leave the whatsapp group. Or put it in archive so you can go in it if you ever need to ask a question about school homework etc.

The parents of the lads going to the pre-party didn’t comment/were a bit shifty because AWKWARD

It's not awkward at all. All someone needed to say was "sorry Jiminey, we've already got plans tonight, hope your ds has a good time too".

How difficult can it be?

I have to be honest op I feel more sorry for your friend, it sounds like her son has taken it really badly, ended up staying at home and your friend confronted the party organiser. Good for her at least on that.

I would chalk it up to crap behaviour and plan in advance going forward. There aren't many people that live in houses so small they could not accommodate two extras if they already had eight in the first place! It would equate to a couple of bags of crisps and a bag of juice. Leaving two out, and then have the sheer nerve and audacity to then come to your house is terrible behaviour.

Lots of minimising going on - probably by parents that are guilty of similar and are having their own consciences squeaking. Be your own person, with inclusive values and decency. You were quick to think of a plan B and thats all you can do. Your son hopefully has some other good friends, and it might be an idea to start organising stuff with them instead and take a step back from the neighbour dynamic.

You now know what this other parent is like and how they act so you have been forewarned of her behaviour. She isalso teaching her child and others that it is ok to exclude one or two and leave them isolated. Thankfully your son was not at home when they called so at least you don't have to deal with the repercussions. Seeing them standing at the door he would have quickly realised what was going on.

Why do they need to go with friends?

I have seen roving gangs of older kids usually causing issues (not nessacerily horrifically behaved but just large groups, loudly playing around, bumrushing houses and candy bowls in a large grabbing hoard) but normal most trick or treaters are just out with family.

Kids get far more hyped up and less behaved in big groups and OBVIOUSLY 10 kids in a group jostling to attend one door step causes issues... its just not a 'group' activity.

Lalliella · Today 08:12
Fraaahnces · Today 08:11
I would go to her house and let her know that the kids who had excluded yours had the temerity to knock at yours looking for snacks and ask wtf is wrong with her?”

“Please don’t do this. You would look batshit.”

agree, please, please don’t embarrass your son like this.