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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset about being left out?

350 replies

Jiminycrickets · 01/11/2022 05:46

Son (12) was really excited to go trick or treating. One of his friend’s Mums started a group chat with the Mums of several kids who live locally, trying to drum up enthusiasm for a local group to head out, I responded enthusiastically, volunteered husband to take the group. Nobody else responded all day. Eventually my (close) friend (who is also a school Mum) responded with a strange cagey non-response. I ended up calling her and she ummed and ahhhed a while before admitting there was a party, that her son and all of the other kids nearby were invited to, with the exception of my son and his friend (whose Mum had started the group chat).

The other child was devastated, too devastated to go out with my son, due to the awkwardness of potentially running into the group, and the mother got angry and ended up blasting the party organiser.

There was no last minute invitation to join the party. My son was left with no one to go with. The party group (of 8 kids) then came and trick or treated MY HOUSE.

What the actual hell? What kind of parent excludes two out of ten kids?! How dare they treat my son like that and then come to take our sweets?!!

AIBU? This is just such an awful way to treat children and neighbours! How could they have not had room for two more to walk in a group?

Im also really feeling betrayed by my friend for not giving me a heads up, I feel embarrassed by my enthusiasm to be met by silence of the “chosen ones”. She should have told me because now I feel like an idiot. And so awkward!

The party organiser also briefly had a Facebook story but then it disappeared, I think she blocked me from the audience. All of the secrecy and weirdness makes me think they knew it would be hurtful.

I just feel sick to go out in my neighbourhood now.
And like I can’t even feel comfortable around my friend.

Is it an overreaction?

OP posts:
Kissingfrogs25 · 01/11/2022 08:52

*glass of juice

SleeplessInEngland · 01/11/2022 08:52

Off topic, but isn't 12 too old to be going trick or treating anyway? Free sweets are nice but when you see 5 year olds doing it too...

Kissingfrogs25 · 01/11/2022 08:54

InsertPunHere · 01/11/2022 08:48

I’m sorry you’re upset, but no one behaved badly here.

A group of 8 lads had an arrangement to get together for snacks and drinks before going Trick Or Treating.

After that had been arranged, a different parent set up a WhatsApp group of 10 parents and suggested a group ToT. OP volunteered her DH as chaperone (a bit weird for Year 8 lads to need a chaperone, but whatever)

The parents of the lads going to the pre-party didn’t comment/were a bit shifty because AWKWARD.

WhatsApp parent had a strop and her son didn’t go ToT at all, OP’s son didn’t fancy it on his own.

The 8 other lads naturally went ToT to all the houses in the neighbourhood - because that is what Hallowe’en is for - and OP took that as deliberate provocation.

I honestly think you’re reading too much into it, OP. We’re you left out as a kid, and are you projecting? Your son is fine and no one was cruel. At 12, the friendship groups are let by the young people.

Why on earth would it be in any way awkward for anyone if the behaviour of the parents is absolutely fine?! Your post makes no sense.

It is either fine to exclude two children and therefore no need to feel awkward
Or it is not fine to exclude two children and everyone else feels awkward.

You can't have it both ways. Which one is it?

GreyElephantsWearingYellowPyjamas · 01/11/2022 08:54

So glad you didn’t open the door, I can’t believe they’d even have the brass neck to knock!! I remember when my son’s ‘friend’ who lived directly across from us had a birthday party and he was the only one not invited from their class. He was only 6 and kept begging to go across but I had to say no due to not being invited. In the end I took him out for a treat as I couldn’t bear to see his little disappointed face anymore.

PrestonNorthHen · 01/11/2022 08:55

No-one is minimising.
They just don't get all the dramatics.
All these threads end up the same.
Child invites a set number to a party/ event.

"The other mother is nasty, mean and a complete bitch, I'm going to go batshit , how dare she"
Egged on and on.

A. If they are that awful why do you want your DC to be friends with theirs?

B. All the dramatics and you wonder why they don't extend an invite?

Kissingfrogs25 · 01/11/2022 08:55

I think the vote tells you how MOST people feel about this op.
88% of people think you are not being unreasonable

The remaining 12% are the shitty manipulators that make childhood so difficult for everyone else.

AnnieEva · 01/11/2022 08:58

These kinds of things just make me want to cry. I know what it’s like.

i just wonder if it may not be anything to do with the children. It could be that the party organiser mum placed a limit of 8 on the party or that she isn’t a very nice person or for some reason has a problem with you and the other excluded boys mum (or something like that). I don’t think the group of 8 kids would’ve known anything about the mums WhatsApp conversation which is why they felt it okay to knock on your door. It is hard to understand why the organiser didn’t extend the invite to the other 2, especially when it came up in the WhatsApp chat that the 10 could trick or treat in a group but she may have had reasons that are unknown right now. The silence in the group I think was probably awkwardness and waiting for the party organiser to extend the invite to your son and his pal.

These threads are always very upsetting but I think most of us have experienced exclusion (deliberate or otherwise) from a group growing up. It isn’t nice and I hope your son is okay, OP. I think if it was me I’d just carry on as before, deal with it gracefully and focus on your sons lovely friend.

NerrSnerr · 01/11/2022 08:59

InsertPunHere · 01/11/2022 08:48

I’m sorry you’re upset, but no one behaved badly here.

A group of 8 lads had an arrangement to get together for snacks and drinks before going Trick Or Treating.

After that had been arranged, a different parent set up a WhatsApp group of 10 parents and suggested a group ToT. OP volunteered her DH as chaperone (a bit weird for Year 8 lads to need a chaperone, but whatever)

The parents of the lads going to the pre-party didn’t comment/were a bit shifty because AWKWARD.

WhatsApp parent had a strop and her son didn’t go ToT at all, OP’s son didn’t fancy it on his own.

The 8 other lads naturally went ToT to all the houses in the neighbourhood - because that is what Hallowe’en is for - and OP took that as deliberate provocation.

I honestly think you’re reading too much into it, OP. We’re you left out as a kid, and are you projecting? Your son is fine and no one was cruel. At 12, the friendship groups are let by the young people.

I have to agree with this.

Are many parents organising meet ups of 12 year olds over WhatsApp? Wouldn't most of them do it themselves?

StripeyClocksDontWorkBetter · 01/11/2022 09:00

ArtHistory · 01/11/2022 08:17

I don't think 12 is too old for a blanket "chaperone not required". In some places and with some children, the parents are totally entitled to make a judgement call on this themselves. It's not mollycoddling or getting overly involved.

But anyway, @Jiminycrickets I do desperately feel for you. There is a massive amount of crap to deal with children at schools that can be very triggering. In different circumstances, I've had a massively triggering issue at my DC's school that has left me feeling suicidal. I am embarassed to see any of the people I thought were friends and it's a horrible feeling. I think all we can do is keep loving our DC and teaching them the right way to behave.

I think the other parents do have a duty to modify their child's behaviour. Yes, you can't force friendships, but you do have to teach your children not to be dicks, because lets face, in a group, 12 year olds can be total dicks and have NO concept of how their actions can hurt others. So the parents have an absolute duty to try to teach them. And the original organiser was gutless for not telling you straight away. When the group chat first mentioned the idea, they should have said "I'm really sorry, but a few of my DCs friends have already made plans. I'm not sure if they've invited everyone else's DCs but I'll ask my son to consider it". Or even a white lie "i'm really sorry, I've told DC that he could only invite 7 friends. I feel really bad that we could fit in Tom and Harry".

This. I think, the fact that they left you and your son hanging is really crap. They knew you were expecting to go trick or treating with them and they knew that you were excited. The people in the group (organiser, close friend or the others) who knew they wouldn't go trick or treating with your son should have let you know. If they didn't want to mention the party they could have at least said "sorry, we've got other plans." Maybe they were waiting for.the organiser of the party to pip up and invite your son but when she didn't the decent thing would have been to at least inform you they won't go trick or treating with you. How rude (apart from mean).

Thankfully it sounds like your son is being very reasonable about it. I hope he isn't too hurt and I hope this kind of thing won't happen too often.

My DD is still young but I've got a feeling we are.going to have a lot of this.

TheaBrandt · 01/11/2022 09:00

Totally agree it’s upsetting op. But also that you do or say nothing as it makes you appear abit mad. Rant away in the privacy of your own home though!

Herejustforthisone · 01/11/2022 09:00

I hate stuff like this. It feels truly awful.

ProFannyTea · 01/11/2022 09:01

I don't see any problems with letting them know the party doesn't bother you but the obvious cageyness because they knew you were being excluded and the shitty behaviour of then coming round to take your sweets does. I'd seriously be questioning the loyalty of my 'friends' if they did this to me.

HikingforScenery · 01/11/2022 09:03

Jiminycrickets · 01/11/2022 08:23

To clarify:
the boys all go to school together. There are ten of them who lives within a few blocks of each other. So they are neighbours and classmates. Some also play sports together, but not all.

8 were invited, two were not.

I offered to have my husband go as chaperone, but that isn’t relevant because the party/group had been organised in advance without us.

I won’t be confronting anyone at their door, in fact I don’t know I’ll say anything if it even comes up. I don’t think it would do any good, if the organiser Mum is fine with this, I don’t think anything I could say would change anything. And she’s been confronted already by the other excluded Mum.

I haven’t said anything at all to my friend, who was the only one who actually said anything and was put in an awkward position. I do see that and it was a hurt overreaction on my part, which she has no knowledge of thankfully!

Yes, kids of 12 can organise themselves, however two different parents tried to organise events, so in this case parents weee involved and did do the planning and inviting (or not inviting).

So they has prearranged an event which excludes your two? Are those children close friends and your two not close enough with them?
When you first posted, I thought it’s horrible but with your explanation, I’m not convinced it’s mean.
It’s a shame the other boy felt so disappointed that he couldn’t just go out with your DS to t/t.

Good on your DS for carrying on regardless. Don’t let other people ruin your fun. Sounds like his friend and some adults could take a leaf out of his book.

HikingforScenery · 01/11/2022 09:05

Sorry I missed the silence bit.
They should’ve just said, “sorry we’re not free” so you knew to organise something else.

threegoodthings · 01/11/2022 09:06

reigatecastle · 01/11/2022 08:49

I don't think you're unreasonable feeling upset either. It does all seem a bit devious, and was obviously engineered by the parents.

Encourage your son to make new friends and move on. And yes, leave the whatsapp group. Or put it in archive so you can go in it if you ever need to ask a question about school homework etc.

Why was it obviously engineered by the parents? At 12 parents usually have little input into who their children are friends with and the social plans they make. It's far more likely the boys made their plans between them.

OP hasn't replied whether her son has whatsapp...I'm guessing that hers and the other boy don't, hence why their parents are trying to organise trick or treating for them. Unfortunately this does mean they will be missing out on things the other kids arrange to do.

NerrSnerr · 01/11/2022 09:06

Friendship groups change as children get older and just living in the same area and going to the same school doesn't mean they have to invite them to everything. These boys will be arranging their own social life and they don't need to invite someone just because they live on the same road.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 01/11/2022 09:07

NerrSnerr · 01/11/2022 09:06

Friendship groups change as children get older and just living in the same area and going to the same school doesn't mean they have to invite them to everything. These boys will be arranging their own social life and they don't need to invite someone just because they live on the same road.

I agree. Parents shouldn't be forcing their kids to invite other kids they aren't that friendly with. If you wouldn't force an adult to do it, you shouldn't force your kids.

Lockupyourbiscuits · 01/11/2022 09:08

no one really knows how this panned out but the original limit might have been 8 for the snacks

it could be the boys weren’t being spiteful they could have been near the beginning of their night and thought let’s knock on OP s door and see if our friend wants to join us
I really struggle to think all 8 boys were doing it out of spite
it’s easy to think in a negative way when someone is left out which is really upsetting but maybe the truth is none of them dislike him at all and they will all rub along fine

as a mother if your son wasn’t invited to the initial thing I might have said myself to knock on your door and ask ur son to join in

The great thing is your son is being fine about it because on the outside you are

StripeyClocksDontWorkBetter · 01/11/2022 09:10

TheaBrandt · 01/11/2022 09:00

Totally agree it’s upsetting op. But also that you do or say nothing as it makes you appear abit mad. Rant away in the privacy of your own home though!

Yup, in fact I'd have opened the door and told the kids that your son has gone out so they don't think he's dependent on them and if you were feeling vindictive maybe told them that you don't have sweets anymore as a large group of your son's friends had come round earlier and taken them.

Geebee12 · 01/11/2022 09:13

I view it totally different. I teach my children to never, ever let anyone feel left out and to be kind, always.

I wouldn't care if they didn't particularly like or want the kid there, never ever would i let 2 out of 10 children be left out. It's teaching empathy which doesn't come naturally to young children.

I also don't think it's bad thing when my children are left out of something as it's a life lesson and i am make sure to say to them - 'remember how this feels. This is why it is so important that you don't ever leave anyone out as you will be making them feel how you are now'.

As a result, they are kind, invited to everything, rarely have friend issues and are known as the kind and considerate kids at school.

Empathy is taught and is parents (in my opinion) should be modelling empathetic behaviour to their children - which includes making sure that everyone in a friend group is included in a party or including children in games in the playground.

I feel so strongly about this, i'm astonished about other people's attitudes.

I also make sure that i don't 'punish' the kids who have left my children out previously - they still get invited to our parties.

It helps that my husband and are are very sociable, with various groups of friends and we do a lot of adult and children entertaining.

russetmellow · 01/11/2022 09:13

Well, your friend did eventually give you a heads up - so I wouldn't get too angry at her, particularly as she wasn't the organiser. I can see how this must have been hurtful and upsetting. I'd say just do something with the other excluded boy and a couple of the others - soon - that your ds and the other boy would enjoy and put this behind you as much as you can. It's really all you can do, live your own life, try to make things nice for your dc and just put it down to thoughtlessness and lack of consideration on the part of the parents who excluded your dc.

Beeboobaby · 01/11/2022 09:15

I’ve read a few really cruel examples of exclusion on here recently. The state of some people is a disgrace. I get the whole thing of not forcing kids to hang out with kids they don’t want to hang out with but these examples are more than that. Also, kids are going to have to learn to vibe with people they don’t think are cool (or whatever) otherwise life is going to be a stressful slog.

OP I’m with you on this one. I’d be livid. How dare someone treats my child and me like that.

Kissingfrogs25 · 01/11/2022 09:18

I view it totally different. I teach my children to never, ever let anyone feel left out and to be kind, always

We are the same

As a result, they are kind, invited to everything, rarely have friend issues and are known as the kind and considerate kids at school

Spot on. The same for us. It is not difficult to teach kindness, empathy and goodwill to young children, that grow up to be fantastic young people with no issues with friendships. Well rounded likeable secure people.

We always have a house full, more the merrier and wouldn't dream of leaving out anyone. Fortunately we have similar friends. I don't think I would want to live in a place what was so lacking in basic kindness and inclusivity so it is just as well!

Girlunfamilar · 01/11/2022 09:18

People can be so s**t, sorry your son went through this. The fact your friend didn't give you an heads up would raise concerns for me.

Tead · 01/11/2022 09:19

They sound nasty. Sorry for your son and his friend.