To be so upset about being left out?

[Jiminycrickets]

Son (12) was really excited to go trick or treating. One of his friend’s Mums started a group chat with the Mums of several kids who live locally, trying to drum up enthusiasm for a local group to head out, I responded enthusiastically, volunteered husband to take the group. Nobody else responded all day. Eventually my (close) friend (who is also a school Mum) responded with a strange cagey non-response. I ended up calling her and she ummed and ahhhed a while before admitting there was a party, that her son and all of the other kids nearby were invited to, with the exception of my son and his friend (whose Mum had started the group chat).

The other child was devastated, too devastated to go out with my son, due to the awkwardness of potentially running into the group, and the mother got angry and ended up blasting the party organiser.

There was no last minute invitation to join the party. My son was left with no one to go with. The party group (of 8 kids) then came and trick or treated MY HOUSE.

What the actual hell? What kind of parent excludes two out of ten kids?! How dare they treat my son like that and then come to take our sweets?!!

AIBU? This is just such an awful way to treat children and neighbours! How could they have not had room for two more to walk in a group?

Im also really feeling betrayed by my friend for not giving me a heads up, I feel embarrassed by my enthusiasm to be met by silence of the “chosen ones”. She should have told me because now I feel like an idiot. And so awkward!

The party organiser also briefly had a Facebook story but then it disappeared, I think she blocked me from the audience. All of the secrecy and weirdness makes me think they knew it would be hurtful.

I just feel sick to go out in my neighbourhood now.
And like I can’t even feel comfortable around my friend.

Is it an overreaction?

Whilst I agree that it is sad and upsetting, surely by the age of 12 children organise things with their friends and decide who they are going to hang around with by themselves. Your son isn’t going to be good friends with everybody no matter how nice he is, that isn’t personal it is just life. I think you need to try and accept that and certainly don’t show your son that you are upset because it might make him feel bad when in actual fact maybe he understands that he is not best friends with this group.

As i understood it there was the party child, plus 7 others.

The OP and a different friend didnt know about the party and it was the OPs different friend who sent out the group chat aboit trick or treating. So, not the party childs mum, iyswim.

Perhaps OP can clarify?

Yes that’s correct.

I feel your pain. We were in the same position last night - our 12 year old seemed to be the only one out of his class that wasn't invited to go round the houses in our village - they all had the guts to come to our door and he opened it. I was / still am mad. Our son put a brave face on and said he was happy answering the door to others but I could see he was devastated. Wish I'd been quick enough like you and told him either to not open the door or told the children to their face they weren't welcome as they had excluded him but that may exclude him further. So upsetting.

Children / parents can be so mean.

This is awful OP. I just wanted to extend sympathy, and say the hurt will pass.

Yes this happens alot. It's happened to us numerous times at different schools, social groups. No idea why. I wonder what is going through their heads. I have found most women to be complete bitches, happy in their little group and if you're not in it, your kids get left out....

Aww that’s so sad 😞 it reminds me of my son one of 8 being excluded from sleep overs and parties etc because I wasn’t in the clique
he just used to say they don’t have room
it sounds really really mean of them
bo advise as I don’t know why people can be so mean towards another
sorry your upset

Ah, I see @Jiminycrickets
I definitely was projecting then!

Personally I would send a very kind message to your friend, stating that you understand how unkind the situation has been for her and her son, and she was put in a terrible position. It is important not to let the horrible actions of the group impact on your friendship, as it was not her fault, she probably had no idea what to do, and was dealing with a heartbroken child.

Why not suggest doing a fireworks display this weekend instead to make it up to the boys? Maybe one with a funfair?

I would exit the WA group (or at least put it on mute) and move my child away from that group and towards some different friends pronto. The parents involved would be quietly black listed.

Be glad you have a resilient son, a kind husband that jumped in, now you need to stop the awkwardness between you and your friend, as none of this is your fault or hers. Poor form, disgusting behaviour of the other parents btw!

I belatedly invited local children to a Halloween party last week and found out a party was happening with a few of the invitees. It was a bit awkward but not as devastating as a small number of kids hadn't been invited and could come to ours. I would focus on cultivating other friendships but also plan something for Halloween very early for next year. Speak to your friend about how sad your son was and arrange something with her and the other excluded child's mum early for next year.

Just another perspective here... DS12 went trick or treating with his friends. They are all 12 & 13 so organised themselves.

A Mum of one of their local friends "Tom" contacted the Mum of "Josh" who DS's was planning to go with, to ask if her son could come with them. She did this because apparently Tom had messaged my DS to ask if he could join them & DS had said, I'll ask Josh hold on.

So Tom's Mum was a bit like WTF can he just come please?!
Of course Josh's Mum said Tom could come.

Now all of the boys involved are very kind and lovely kids. So this was a bit odd.

When I heard about it from
Tom's Mum via DH, I asked DS why on earth he hadn't just said yes sure, of course you can come to Sam. DS said that, because Tom was going with and his friend Jake & cousin Alice (who DS doesn't know) DS didn't want to just invite another person along without running it by them.

They of course would have been fine, he just wanted to say it & would have got back to Sam in a minute, if his Mum hadn't of jumped in.

My first response was to question DS as to why they had left Sam out. But actually Sam doesn't normally hang around with them (his choice) and DS was just running things by the group he felt that he wasn't entirely central to.

I guess at their age, they are learning to navigate social dynamics and they won't always get things 100% right. But my point is, there was absolutely no malice intended. They all trick or treated together. Everyone was happy in the end.

I did reinforce to DS that this could have upset Sam, and maybe he should have just asked there & then, not told Sam to wait. He is honestly the kindest child and was not meaning any offence. Maybe sometimes it's better for us as parents to withhold judgement?

I don't know about judgement, anyone that has been parenting for a very long time knows there are plenty of parents that facilitate other children being left out, deliberately missed off and toxic isolating and excluding behaviour. It is utterly naive to suggest otherwise!

Are you in England op ? 12 yr olds are in year 8 here and my daughter wouldn’t have dreamt of going trick or treating with an adult.
suggesting going out with a parent would have probably lead to groups branching off and excluding the dad group

It's the adult chaperone thing, I would imagine.
When I read your op, I had to keep double checking the age.
12 is too old for adult chaperone.
I imagine when you offered up your dh, the other kids thought 'no way' and have gone off on their own.
12 yr old boys I know would have been mortified if their parent had joined them.

I really do understand your upset, this will be heartbreaking for the boys. Friendships change a lot in secondary school as children develop in different ways. Just for example, my dd and another girl were both besties with a third girl in primary but in secondary she became very insular and stopped wanting to play out so the friendship with her drifted whereas with the second girl it has remained strong.

I know you said your ds is friends with your friend’s ds. But what about the others and the son of the party organiser? Are these children friends with your ds and his friend anymore? If not, this will probably be why they weren’t invited. Or are you as a family being thrown out of the group by the parents?

My dd had the t/t issue 2 years in a row. At 12, one minute she was invited to join friends, the next not then they were going in groups of 2. One of the mums and I didn’t think pairs was suitable to go out without parents so we took charge and they got invited to mine for pizza as a group of 6. The second year, dd was dropped by a friend and managed to find another group. Tweens and teens are a tricky age. You will know for your ds next year and advise him to organise to go out with the excluded friend.

Please try not to be too hard on your mum friend. She was in a tricky situation and didn’t handle it well. It would have been different had her ds organised to go out with your ds then dropped him for a better offer, which doesn’t seem to be the case here.

At 12 surely the kids organised it themselves and didn't need a chaperone?

This is what I first thought. I agree 12 is way too old. But op thinks the party was organised prior to this. If it is not the case, definitely it will have been the chaperone thing.

@arethereanyleftatall the party excluding DS was organised before OP said anything about offering DH to bring them around.

Re the party.

Is your son at the same chill as the children who went to the party? Is he close friends with them? Was every boy from the class/activity/sports club/whatever invited except for him and that one other boy?

I’m so sorry to hear others are experiencing this kind of thing. It is heartbreaking. But it’s a lesson in dealing with people and their choices that are different to what yours would be.

I know they are of an age to navigate their own dynamics. But I really don’t agree with excluding one or two from this kind of thing that they would obviously know about and possibly physically encounter. I think a group walking the neighbourhood is very different to say, a birthday party. Surely you’d barely notice two more? And they’re just walking outdoors. Its just not something where the numbers limit really applies.

I’d have told my children that it was very unkind to exclude, and very strongly urged them to at least do the walk together. I wouldn’t have sat silently on the chat waiting for people to realise they’re being ignored and rejected. I’d have invited and told my kid that it was awkward but as a party haven it’s the right thing to do.

Anyway, I’m off ranting again! They clearly aren’t our people, I guess. The lovely boy, I’ll reach out to, they could do with each other’s friendship in the neighbourhood evidently.

Ah, I missed the bit about being organised before the chaperone offer. It could possibly still stand if the group of boys knew it was likely that your dc would have to bring a parent with him.

@Jiminycrickets Do you live in a village?

If it's any consultation OP, give it a year and your son and his friends will be making their own arrangements without parental interference. Parents don't get to choose their children's friends by the time they are in their teens, so this type of thing won't happen anymore.

I definitely wouldn't show you DS how bothered you are. He sounds resilient and that is great.

Exactly. At 12 why was anyone organising to take them trick or treating in a group. Let them get on with it.

Not everyone gets invited to every party though.

That is so shitty. You have every right to be hurt. But these people aren’t worth it. Can you do a Halloween movie with the friend who was also left out. Are there other boys in the class? I would steer clear of this group. They sound like a bunch of prats.