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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset about being left out?

350 replies

Jiminycrickets · 01/11/2022 05:46

Son (12) was really excited to go trick or treating. One of his friend’s Mums started a group chat with the Mums of several kids who live locally, trying to drum up enthusiasm for a local group to head out, I responded enthusiastically, volunteered husband to take the group. Nobody else responded all day. Eventually my (close) friend (who is also a school Mum) responded with a strange cagey non-response. I ended up calling her and she ummed and ahhhed a while before admitting there was a party, that her son and all of the other kids nearby were invited to, with the exception of my son and his friend (whose Mum had started the group chat).

The other child was devastated, too devastated to go out with my son, due to the awkwardness of potentially running into the group, and the mother got angry and ended up blasting the party organiser.

There was no last minute invitation to join the party. My son was left with no one to go with. The party group (of 8 kids) then came and trick or treated MY HOUSE.

What the actual hell? What kind of parent excludes two out of ten kids?! How dare they treat my son like that and then come to take our sweets?!!

AIBU? This is just such an awful way to treat children and neighbours! How could they have not had room for two more to walk in a group?

Im also really feeling betrayed by my friend for not giving me a heads up, I feel embarrassed by my enthusiasm to be met by silence of the “chosen ones”. She should have told me because now I feel like an idiot. And so awkward!

The party organiser also briefly had a Facebook story but then it disappeared, I think she blocked me from the audience. All of the secrecy and weirdness makes me think they knew it would be hurtful.

I just feel sick to go out in my neighbourhood now.
And like I can’t even feel comfortable around my friend.

Is it an overreaction?

OP posts:
Kissingfrogs25 · 01/11/2022 08:10

OooooSweetVampireOMine · 01/11/2022 07:55

@Kissingfrogs25 did you actually read my message? Jumping on kids and telling them they are "toxic" at the drop of a hat is not good parenting imo.

Seek to understand first. You won't always be there to barge in and judge everyone on their behalf. So, maybe just ask them about what's going in in their social group and seek to find out why some decisions are made. My kid is kind. He was trying to do the right thing. The other Mum came jumping in too early & didn't leave them to work it out themselves. Everyone is friends. No one was left out.

Wind your neck in love.

Oh you do sound sophisticated! 😂

Wind your neck in love?? Its not an episode from only fools and horses you know. Jeez. I haven't heard that saying for 30 yrs plus!

XanaduKira · 01/11/2022 08:10

That's the best thing Op as if you make a big deal then he could get upset and will feel bad. He sounds like a sensible resilient kid, so best to keep it that way.

AlbertaAnnie · 01/11/2022 08:10

Yadnbu - I hate these kinds of threads where one or two kids are excluded - it’s so hurtful and unnecessary. They are 12 not 21 the parents should know better than to exclude one or two kids they surely still have input in their children at that age? My son is 11 and I would never allow this to happen - shame on the parents that think it’s ok.

dersalways1 · 01/11/2022 08:11

MolkosTeenageAngst · 01/11/2022 07:51

Your child is 12, not 5. Surely he’s of an age where he can arrange his own socialising with his own friends? In that way I think you are over invested and overreacting, I can sort of see why you’re upset but by secondary school parents need to take a step back. Not all of the kids from the village primary school will stay friends in one big group, by 12 it’s natural that some of those friendships will drift apart as they find other friends at secondary or from clubs/ hobbies etc who they have more in common with. As a parent I think you need to step back and realise you can’t control your child’s social life from the sidelines as maybe you can with a younger child, by 12 I wouldn’t expect parents to be involved at all and would expect the kids to be organising these things by themselves.

This!

Fraaahnces · 01/11/2022 08:11

I would go to her house and let her know that the kids who had excluded yours had the temerity to knock at yours looking for snacks and ask wtf is wrong with her?

Lalliella · 01/11/2022 08:12

Is your son particularly friends with the boy hosting the party? It sounds like it was someone outside the group. Yes it was mean, but if your son isn’t too bothered I’d leave it and try and forget about it. Agree with others that it would be embarrassing at 12 for a dad to go along with them. And you are definitely over-reacting by saying you feel sick about going out in your neighbourhood. And please don’t be cross with your friend, she was put in a difficult situation.

Lalliella · 01/11/2022 08:12

Fraaahnces · 01/11/2022 08:11

I would go to her house and let her know that the kids who had excluded yours had the temerity to knock at yours looking for snacks and ask wtf is wrong with her?

Please don’t do this. You would look batshit.

deliverooyoutoo · 01/11/2022 08:13

Fraaahnces · 01/11/2022 08:11

I would go to her house and let her know that the kids who had excluded yours had the temerity to knock at yours looking for snacks and ask wtf is wrong with her?

Yeah. That's gonna go well.

Kissingfrogs25 · 01/11/2022 08:13

Jiminycrickets · 01/11/2022 08:01

They gathered at the house (why I said party) where they had snacks, then set off trick or treating.

So a few snacks at someone's house, they could have very easily invited all of the boys, it would have made no difference at all. It was not a proper party at all.
It was done 100% deliberately, as the parents would have seen the messages op.
So now you know what kind of people they are.

I would 100% encourage your son to choose to spend time with better friends, make a mental note not to invite them to anything moving forward. They don't sound like your people anyway.

IncompleteSenten · 01/11/2022 08:13

I can't believe they came to your house!

I bet you felt like saying sorry, run out of sweets.

deliverooyoutoo · 01/11/2022 08:13

There's no way I would have "everyone" to my house for snacks.

LaGioconda · 01/11/2022 08:13

Can you ask the friend who alerted you WTF is going on and whether there were any issues that led to your son being excluded?

NotAsRichAsRishiRich · 01/11/2022 08:14

Are you / your son particularly good friends with the party organiser? was the organiser in the WhatsApp group? I’m not clear on this.
If you /your son are good friends I can understand why you’re upset. If not, I’m at a bit of a loss to understand why you’d be upset about a friend accepting an invitation to a party.
(Been there both personally and with my children being what I perceived as ‘excluded’. With hindsight, I can see that on at least some of the occasions it wasn’t actually exclusion, just a different group of friends, iyswim)

JanetSally · 01/11/2022 08:14

YellowTreeHouse · 01/11/2022 07:37

YABU and yes, you’re overreacting. I understand it’s sad to see your child excluded.

However, the other children shouldn’t have to invite him or anyone else if they don’t want them there. It doesn’t matter the reason, and their parents shouldn’t try to force/encourage them to invite.

So you don't see anything wrong with excluding just 2 children from a group?

Downdaysoon · 01/11/2022 08:15

Mums are such mean, petty creatures sometimes . I’m sorry this happened to your son.

deliverooyoutoo · 01/11/2022 08:16

We have no idea who the group "constitutes" and if it was just two left out. It might be that they go to a different school, or activity, or Just that the boys aren't particular friends and the other boy invited 8 friends to his for Halloween.

SuspiciousHedgehog · 01/11/2022 08:16

You need to take a big step back from this group.

It's better sometimes to have a bit of distance with neighbours. They are incidental people in your life, and surely your son has friends from school or hobbies that he's closer to?

Drop all expectations of socialising with this group and put your focus elsewhere. Try not to show them that they've upset you, give them the importance they deserve, very little.

ArtHistory · 01/11/2022 08:17

I don't think 12 is too old for a blanket "chaperone not required". In some places and with some children, the parents are totally entitled to make a judgement call on this themselves. It's not mollycoddling or getting overly involved.

But anyway, @Jiminycrickets I do desperately feel for you. There is a massive amount of crap to deal with children at schools that can be very triggering. In different circumstances, I've had a massively triggering issue at my DC's school that has left me feeling suicidal. I am embarassed to see any of the people I thought were friends and it's a horrible feeling. I think all we can do is keep loving our DC and teaching them the right way to behave.

I think the other parents do have a duty to modify their child's behaviour. Yes, you can't force friendships, but you do have to teach your children not to be dicks, because lets face, in a group, 12 year olds can be total dicks and have NO concept of how their actions can hurt others. So the parents have an absolute duty to try to teach them. And the original organiser was gutless for not telling you straight away. When the group chat first mentioned the idea, they should have said "I'm really sorry, but a few of my DCs friends have already made plans. I'm not sure if they've invited everyone else's DCs but I'll ask my son to consider it". Or even a white lie "i'm really sorry, I've told DC that he could only invite 7 friends. I feel really bad that we could fit in Tom and Harry".

dersalways1 · 01/11/2022 08:18

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Lalliella · 01/11/2022 08:18

Thinking about it, a group of 10 nearly teens some of whom are probably as big as adults going round in the dark knocking on people’s doors might have been seen as pretty threatening, bordering on organising mugging! I only tend to open my door to little kids. That’s probably why they limited the numbers. I reckon 8 is too big a group even.

Lalliella · 01/11/2022 08:21

ArtHistory · 01/11/2022 08:17

I don't think 12 is too old for a blanket "chaperone not required". In some places and with some children, the parents are totally entitled to make a judgement call on this themselves. It's not mollycoddling or getting overly involved.

But anyway, @Jiminycrickets I do desperately feel for you. There is a massive amount of crap to deal with children at schools that can be very triggering. In different circumstances, I've had a massively triggering issue at my DC's school that has left me feeling suicidal. I am embarassed to see any of the people I thought were friends and it's a horrible feeling. I think all we can do is keep loving our DC and teaching them the right way to behave.

I think the other parents do have a duty to modify their child's behaviour. Yes, you can't force friendships, but you do have to teach your children not to be dicks, because lets face, in a group, 12 year olds can be total dicks and have NO concept of how their actions can hurt others. So the parents have an absolute duty to try to teach them. And the original organiser was gutless for not telling you straight away. When the group chat first mentioned the idea, they should have said "I'm really sorry, but a few of my DCs friends have already made plans. I'm not sure if they've invited everyone else's DCs but I'll ask my son to consider it". Or even a white lie "i'm really sorry, I've told DC that he could only invite 7 friends. I feel really bad that we could fit in Tom and Harry".

@ArtHistory I hope you are ok and getting help with your suicidal feelings Flowers

butterfliedtwo · 01/11/2022 08:21

Fraaahnces · 01/11/2022 08:11

I would go to her house and let her know that the kids who had excluded yours had the temerity to knock at yours looking for snacks and ask wtf is wrong with her?

Absolutely this. It's not on. YANBU and your friend should have said something so save you the awkwardness.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 01/11/2022 08:21

Is your child and the other excluded child actually friends with the other kids? 12 year olds have their own friendships and they don't have to be forced to included anyone they aren't friends with. You wouldn't force an adult to invite someone they didn't really know, so why is it okay for kids?

Original poster
Jiminycrickets · 01/11/2022 08:23

To clarify:
the boys all go to school together. There are ten of them who lives within a few blocks of each other. So they are neighbours and classmates. Some also play sports together, but not all.

8 were invited, two were not.

I offered to have my husband go as chaperone, but that isn’t relevant because the party/group had been organised in advance without us.

I won’t be confronting anyone at their door, in fact I don’t know I’ll say anything if it even comes up. I don’t think it would do any good, if the organiser Mum is fine with this, I don’t think anything I could say would change anything. And she’s been confronted already by the other excluded Mum.

I haven’t said anything at all to my friend, who was the only one who actually said anything and was put in an awkward position. I do see that and it was a hurt overreaction on my part, which she has no knowledge of thankfully!

Yes, kids of 12 can organise themselves, however two different parents tried to organise events, so in this case parents weee involved and did do the planning and inviting (or not inviting).

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 01/11/2022 08:24

It is a bit mean. Unfortunately with kids this is common. Maybe the kid who organised it doesn’t like the 2 children excluded. Harsh to hear but kids fall out all the time or prefer some kids over others. When they get to secondary age I don’t think parents get involved as much in planning who is coming etc. You see it on here all the time parents upset as their child wasn’t invited etc, it does hurt but it’s a part of life that you don’t get invited to everything. Your kid will brush it off and still be friends with these kids so try not to get over invested in it.

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