To be so upset about being left out?

[Jiminycrickets]

Son (12) was really excited to go trick or treating. One of his friend’s Mums started a group chat with the Mums of several kids who live locally, trying to drum up enthusiasm for a local group to head out, I responded enthusiastically, volunteered husband to take the group. Nobody else responded all day. Eventually my (close) friend (who is also a school Mum) responded with a strange cagey non-response. I ended up calling her and she ummed and ahhhed a while before admitting there was a party, that her son and all of the other kids nearby were invited to, with the exception of my son and his friend (whose Mum had started the group chat).

The other child was devastated, too devastated to go out with my son, due to the awkwardness of potentially running into the group, and the mother got angry and ended up blasting the party organiser.

There was no last minute invitation to join the party. My son was left with no one to go with. The party group (of 8 kids) then came and trick or treated MY HOUSE.

What the actual hell? What kind of parent excludes two out of ten kids?! How dare they treat my son like that and then come to take our sweets?!!

AIBU? This is just such an awful way to treat children and neighbours! How could they have not had room for two more to walk in a group?

Im also really feeling betrayed by my friend for not giving me a heads up, I feel embarrassed by my enthusiasm to be met by silence of the “chosen ones”. She should have told me because now I feel like an idiot. And so awkward!

The party organiser also briefly had a Facebook story but then it disappeared, I think she blocked me from the audience. All of the secrecy and weirdness makes me think they knew it would be hurtful.

I just feel sick to go out in my neighbourhood now.
And like I can’t even feel comfortable around my friend.

Is it an overreaction?

Start your own clique that is more fun. Success is the best revenge. Other parents however “nice” won’t have your back. If they are invited somewhere fun they will happily go you and your child won’t feature in their thought process. People are busy and when they have kids that’s it no headspace. Don’t whine or moan about it - pointless and gives others a negative vibe. Good luck!

Party organiser in advance. Chaperone part not relevant, son was exlcued chaperone. As it was my husband had to take him or he’d have been completely alone. And run into the group. Just awful.

There was one girl that my girls found difficult to be around because her mother was always there. They couldn't go into town for a Saturday afternoon without her mother being in town and keeping an eye on them. And they tried but at 13 or 14 they just stopped inviting her because it made the dynamic different.

At 12, they're old enough to be organising their own things, surely they're at secondary school?

There is always one that doesn't read the thread...walking outside is generally not considered 'a party'

@Kissingfrogs25 the op says there was a party that her son and another boy weren't invited to?

I think a group walking the neighbourhood is very different to say, a birthday party. Surely you’d barely notice two more? And they’re just walking outdoors. Its just not something where the numbers limit really applies.

But it was a party?

@Kissingfrogs25

From the op

I ended up calling her and she ummed and ahhhed a while before admitting there was a party, that her son and all of the other kids nearby were invited to, with the exception of my son and his friend (whose Mum had started the group chat).

YABU and yes, you’re overreacting. I understand it’s sad to see your child excluded.

However, the other children shouldn’t have to invite him or anyone else if they don’t want them there. It doesn’t matter the reason, and their parents shouldn’t try to force/encourage them to invite.

Forcing 12 year olds to be friends is like trying to herd cats. I’m sure your son and the other boy are nice lads but socialising at that age can be a shockingly cold business. And while it’s be easy to have a go at the other mums, there’s no nice way to say ‘yeah there’s a party and your son’s not invited.’

How do you know the group that came to the house weren't coming to invite your son to join them?

Op can you confirm if it was a party or not?

I think they were gathered at someone else's house and then went off to trick or treat together as a group? So not a party, but an organised trick or treating walking thing? Of which your child and the other boy was excluded?

Your child is 12, not 5. Surely he’s of an age where he can arrange his own socialising with his own friends? In that way I think you are over invested and overreacting, I can sort of see why you’re upset but by secondary school parents need to take a step back. Not all of the kids from the village primary school will stay friends in one big group, by 12 it’s natural that some of those friendships will drift apart as they find other friends at secondary or from clubs/ hobbies etc who they have more in common with. As a parent I think you need to step back and realise you can’t control your child’s social life from the sidelines as maybe you can with a younger child, by 12 I wouldn’t expect parents to be involved at all and would expect the kids to be organising these things by themselves.

This. At 12 they’re way too old to be coerced into whole-class parties or ‘inviting everyone in the locality’ parties, and presumably you’d still have been cross if it had been suggested your son joined the party group afterwards to trick or treat?

I get that you’re hurt on behalf of your child, but I’m a bit taken aback you seem to have half-expected a last-minute party invitation, especially when the mother of the other boy not invited ‘blasted the party organiser’??? Presumably on the group chat set up to drum up bodies for trick or treating? That’s way too involved.

I wouldn’t get exercised either about unaccompanied 12 year olds coming to the door — I doubt they intended it maliciously, unless there’s other context. They’ll just have gone to any house with decorations.

Tricky one but yes it was rude and unkind

@Kissingfrogs25 did you actually read my message? Jumping on kids and telling them they are "toxic" at the drop of a hat is not good parenting imo.

Seek to understand first. You won't always be there to barge in and judge everyone on their behalf. So, maybe just ask them about what's going in in their social group and seek to find out why some decisions are made. My kid is kind. He was trying to do the right thing. The other Mum came jumping in too early & didn't leave them to work it out themselves. Everyone is friends. No one was left out.

Wind your neck in love.

OP, if your son had have been going out with the group, would your DH still have been going? You seemed to think that they needed an adult. There could be reasons why they distance themselves. I'd ask your friend for an honest opinion.

And those posters with the “oh, by 12 they should be organising it by themselves” - given the fact that there was both an organised event by parents and a WhatsApp group also trying to organise an event, that’s clearly not what this is about here

But why did you offer a chaperone anyway? Do you usually mollycoddle your child? If you do other children will complain to their parents and your DS will be dropped like a hot brick.
At that age a chaperone is ridiculous.

I think you need to back off. You sound far too involved.

I was happy when my DS got to the teen years and bitchy parents didn't have a say in who gets invited and who doesn't. It's part and parcel of life to endure disappointments. Your DS sounds a lot more resilient than you.

As for being annoyed at the friend whose son got invited, you are being melodramatic.

These children will go through many changes in friendships in secondary school. I would take a step back you sound far too involved.

I should add that I am way more upset than my son. He just made a comment that they didn’t have room. Rubbish, but he doesn’t see it for what it is.

Or maybe he does and it right not to care that much.

They gathered at the house (why I said party) where they had snacks, then set off trick or treating.

So it was a Halloween party.

Your son won't be invited to everything.

Does he go to the same school/sports/activities as the other children?

I completely agree with this.

At 12, my kids would have been very upset at any parents getting involved to organise things. They did it all themselves & we only got involved if they were asking permission, needed money or a lift.

Agree.
It's always they are bitches blah blah.
Yeah perhaps parents simply said you can have 8 friends round.
Son chose and that's the end of it .
No malice intended .
I would just calm down quite frankly, very odd to be so invested in friendships age 12.
Your son sounds quite sensible.
At 12 my DS had 2 close friends and a bigger circle of friends that he got on with.
Sometimes he was invited to things, sometimes not.
Teaching your child that this is a MASSIVE rejection and going batshit won't help.

Anyway this has been therapeutic!

My son is ok.

I am upset but need to brazen out the awkwardness.

I should not be mad at my friend, and haven’t been, apart from in my head and here. So she won’t know.

I will project positivity!

I’d be pissed off, it’s mean and bitchy and I’d not exclude people as described and I’d not let my son behave like that either. Awful. I feel for you OP.