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Original poster

DH said he'd leave if I take this job

456 replies

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:07

I've been (very unhappily) working from home for a few years.

I don't see anyone, don't have any colleagues, and need a change.

I've applied for a new role, however, DH has said that if I go through with the training he will divorce me. It's a common job, plenty of people do it, but he thinks the industry is just notorious for affairs and sleeping with each other.

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
reigatecastle · 31/10/2022 14:49

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

No, I wouldn't end it, but I'd tell him he wasn't controlling my life and I would take whatever job I wanted that would pay enough for our lifestyle. And that I didn't take kindly to him thinking I would have an affair, but given his attitude perhaps I would, so maybe he'd like to grow up and act like a decent husband if he doesn't want me to. And take the job.

If there was no improvement in his attitude, then I'd divorce him.

Hope that helps!

FlirtyMelons · 31/10/2022 14:49

Wow your last post is shocking. That is all really bad. From your post I would have said perhaps maybe see how he behaves once you have taken the job but after reading that it sounds that you are way past that.

gogohmm · 31/10/2022 14:49

Red flags op sorry he sounds like my ex fil. Nightmare man. Started small ended up fully isolating mil to the point she doesn't even realise what has happened, she believes him, conspiracy theories etc. i actually reached out to her not long ago as he doesn't know where I live now saying she could just come if she ever want to escape but she claims he's just protecting herHmm. It started with him wanting to come with her when she met friends, he accused her of wanting to meet men at work so she changed jobs - even was jealous she was caring (her job then) for a man so had to do personal care ...

Your db sounds similar op, make plans to leave

KangarooKenny · 31/10/2022 14:49

He’s controlling you. Fuck that !

TheOrigRights · 31/10/2022 14:50

TheOrigRights · 31/10/2022 14:46

its a form of abuse. You stay in the house with no outside contact entirely at his mercy. Of course he doesn't want you doing another job because...you know, you talk to others about their life and you think hang on...

OP has not actually said this. In response to someone suggesting her DH likes her home she says 'yes, I fear this might be the case', but please let's not jump to a conclusion that he has kept her from seeing anyone. OP needs to explain why she doesn't see anyone.

From what she has said, we know that her husband doesn't trust her not to have an affair. With the trust gone, it's pretty hard to carry on a relationship.

Eugh to quote myself....at the time someone said "it's a form of abuse" the OP had not yet given the examples she since has. Yes, he sounds like a controlling arse.

Ididathing · 31/10/2022 14:52

I did the same as your dh to my dh. Told him quit work or I’m divorcing you BUT it was because we have disabled dc and I couldn’t cope anymore as no family support .

In your situation OP it sounds like this isn’t the only problem within your marriage so possibly worth thinking about what you’d like long term and whether you want to be married to someone so controlling

Fireballxl5 · 31/10/2022 14:52

@MatchaGreen Your dh is an insecure little man.
I couldn’t live with anyone who tried to control me.

Original poster
MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:54

I put lipstick on the other day and he asked me if I was trying to impress someone. He says it in a jokey way, but I think he means it deep down.

Every time I talk about getting a job (any job) he reminds me how lucky I am to live in a nice house and be able to work from home.

He doesn't force me to wfh and I have my own money.

He had to visit his father a few weeks ago and stay over. He called me about 7 times throughout the evening. He says it's because he loves me and wants to speak to me, but it feels like he's checking up on me. We barely speak when he is here anyway, he mostly sits on his laptop.

If I was to go for a walk one evening he would find it suspicious. Maybe I've brought it on myself and should have been going out more.

OP posts:
Arayes · 31/10/2022 14:54

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

Yes. But then I wouldn't be with him anyway, its not like this will be the first indication of his nature. He'll be controlling in other ways.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 31/10/2022 14:55

And the threat has worked, hasn't it? As he probably always knew it would.

You can't have people controlling your life to this extent. I have a sneaking suspicion that it's all talk: when men are comfortably ensconced in a relationship and often get plenty of household tasks taken care of for them, there is generally only one set of circumstances in which they are happy to leave (ie the same comfortable set-up lined up elsewhere).

I doubt he has any intention of doing anything of the sort. That said, his manner of emotional blackmail really wouldn't impress me. I'd be inclined to take the job, take control of the decisions directly affecting MY life as doubtless he does with his, and what he chooses to do in response to these actions is up to him and beyond my control.

If you call his bluff, you're of course taking the risk that he'll be as good as his word. Frankly, I think it's a risk worth taking. He's manipulative, an emotional blackmailer, and he's attempting to exert full control over you.

Awful, awful behaviour. Flowers

GooseberryCinnamonYogurt · 31/10/2022 14:55

PunishmentSnart · 31/10/2022 14:08

Start the training, finish the Husband

This

girlmom21 · 31/10/2022 14:55

He doesn't force me to wfh

He does though, doesn't he, really. Just because he isn't obvious about it it doesn't mean it's your decision.

You haven't brought it on yourself, OP. He's worn you down overtime so it hasn't been obvious. And, like you say, he's generally very nice. He does that on purpose. So you can never tell people he treated you badly.

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 31/10/2022 14:56

How old are you OP?

Staying in a job you hate, at home, for the rest of your working life isn't going to be any good for you.

I'd highly suspect he's saying he would leave as a method of control, is he controlling in other ways?

From your updates he doesn't seem to like you going out and has accused you of 'meeting men' on multiple occasions when you have been out.

I'd say hes either really insecure or he's meeting women ( or men ) himself! You know what they say, they always accuse to deflect.

either way, id tell him you were going to continue with the application as you are unhappy and he should be supportive as your husband, if he has issues, then they are HIS issues and he needs to work on them as you've never been anything other than a loyal wife

Brefugee · 31/10/2022 14:56

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.
Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

I wouldn't end it. I would make it clear to him that i have no intention of having an affair and that if he can't handle my new job he will have to do what he thinks is right for him.

Don't let him coerce you into not doing things.

Velvetween · 31/10/2022 14:57

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

ESPECIALLY after 10 years!

10 years of knowing you and building trust. And guess what, he hasn’t bothered to get to know you (because it doesn’t matter as he runs the relationship on his terms) and he doesn’t trust you. I’d be so hurt and insulted by this attitude. I would absolutely be seriously questioning my relationship if issued this ultimatum. And for what it’s worth I work in a male dominated industry working with v high net worth men and my DH in a female dominated team. Do we each occasionally show signs of insecurity around this? Yes. But we trust each other and give our heads a wobble and move on because we exist on equal terms.

Thelnebriati · 31/10/2022 14:57

I hope you will post on the Relationships board, the posters there are knowledgeable about this kind of relationship.

Its not normal for one person to keep the other trapped at home, checking up on them and making threats. Its no way to live.

Livetoplay · 31/10/2022 14:57

I’d tell him to go fuck himself, then book him some therapy.
okay, fine. I’d tell him I’m taking the job and suggest he speaks to someone about his insecurity.

GreenManalishi · 31/10/2022 15:00

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

Yes, after ten years. Even after fifty years, if my husband gave me an ultimatum like this instead of supporting me in a career change, I'd be telling him to close the door on his way out.

Sign up for the next recruitment intake, the other option is to fold and do what you're told, so he's f+cked it either way. Life is way way too short for this petty narrow minded controlling bullshit, ten years deep or not.

JanesBond · 31/10/2022 15:01

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you

Not instantly. But after I did leave him, I would be able to pinpoint this incident as the moment when I knew I would leave.

Loserluck · 31/10/2022 15:01

I’m sorry but you are in an abusive controlling relationship. It might sound harsh but you need to see it written down.

Contact Woman’s Aid for help

FlissyPaps · 31/10/2022 15:02

Maybe I've brought it on myself and should have been going out more.

No. no no no no. Absolutely not!!

You have brought nothing on yourself. You have been conditioned to feel this way by your disgusting husbands coercive and controlling behaviour.

He is insecure and jealous. And he is subtly projecting his feelings on to you. He wants to be in control of something. He wants power. So by making jokes about your wearing makeup, impressing people and trying to persuade you to stay home in your “lovely home” and that there’s “no reason to go off to work” he is controlling you but at the same time trying to make it looks like he cares.

He doesn’t care. He doesn’t have your best interests at heart. This is not healthy.

You are being abused. You may find it difficult to comprehend that as he isn’t being physically violent or saying anything nasty or threats. But he is slowly and surely emotionally abusing you. Making you believe you are doing wrong.

Please reach out to someone you trust. A family member or fried. Tell them everything what’s going on. If you don’t have anytime to confide in please contact WomensAid. www.womensaid.org.uk

Cw112 · 31/10/2022 15:02

10 years is a long time yes, but you're unhappy and you've found a solution to fix that and he's saying he'd rather you stay at home unhappy than take that job because he is that insecure/controlling. His behaviour here is unacceptable. I'd understand his point if the work was dangerous/hours highly antisocial or if it meant a huge paycut you couldn't afford. But it's because he thinks you'll cheat on him if you work with colleagues instead of at home alone. Where's the trust and respect he's meant to have for you? Have you ever cheated on him in the past/ given him reason to feel this insecure? If not then this is his issue and yeah I would be making my plans to leave if he's that controlling he can't trust you to leave the house to go to work. Plus to threaten to divorce you over this is really bullying behaviour because he doesn't think you'll call his bluff. Id be making sure you have a bank account in your own name, that you've spoken to a friend or family member about this and identify somewhere you can live if you need to leave him because the red flags are all over this. I'm sorry he's being so unreasonable but you don't need to just put up with it and really well done on getting yourself this opportunity. His reaction is not normal.

NukaColaQuantum · 31/10/2022 15:04

I’m saying LTB because he’s quite clearly a controlling twat who enjoys you being isolated at home, isn’t bothered that you’re miserable and is threatening divorce if you get a different job. What the fuck,

theonlygirl · 31/10/2022 15:05

Ok from your first post I was going to say that if my spouse suggested joining an industry notorious for affairs (I also assumed the police) I could understand some unease but after discussion would hope there was enough trust and mutual respect to be able move forward. HOWEVER after reading your updates I think you have a much bigger issue. He is utterly paranoid and controlling in very subtle / not so subtle ways. Calling you 7 times when he is away for the night is not because he loves you, nor are the lipstick comments a joke. i also think he has absolutely loved having you locked away at home, but if you are unhappy you can't carry on doing this indefinitely. You sound as though you are financially independent and don't mention any kids. Time for a long hard think.

Purplecatshopaholic · 31/10/2022 15:06

I think it’s time for a serious talk, rather than running head long into LTB. This situation has evolved over time, and and you need to talk about how unacceptable his behaviour is - it’s controlling and whether that’s due to insecurity or something else, it needs to stop. If he can’t change, i think it would be the end of the road yes. Life is too short to be miserable, stuck in a controlling relationship.