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Original poster

DH said he'd leave if I take this job

456 replies

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:07

I've been (very unhappily) working from home for a few years.

I don't see anyone, don't have any colleagues, and need a change.

I've applied for a new role, however, DH has said that if I go through with the training he will divorce me. It's a common job, plenty of people do it, but he thinks the industry is just notorious for affairs and sleeping with each other.

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
Olsi109 · 31/10/2022 14:31

10 years isn't long! Nearly 14 years and if my DH said this to me I'd say bye bye! I may be married, happily married, but if that person was trying to control other aspects of my life that I was unhappy in (or full stop) then id become unhappily married and my life is too short to live it unhappily married to a controlling knob end, so yes, 100% would leave my marriage, no matter how long, if he dished out ultimatums and was controlling.

PeachPies · 31/10/2022 14:32

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:30

There was a potential opportunity for me to go abroad for a week, it was job related and would have just been people from the company I used to work for. He wanted to come too. It ended up not happening so we didn't have to cross that bridge, but yes, I don't think he likes me doing things without him.

Even if I meet a friend for lunch he'll ask if he's invited. He won't INSIST on coming but he'll sulk about it for a while.

I went to a book club a few weeks ago and he accused me of meeting men there.

Writing all this down makes it sound really bad. He isn't always like this. He is thoughtful and looked after me amazingly when I had a serious health issue (that's all sorted now and I'm absolutely fine).

Jesus Christ, this man is a controlling jealous mess

Raise your bar, go for this job and ditch the twat

girlmom21 · 31/10/2022 14:32

OP he's a cunt. You're allowed your own life.

Herejustforthisone · 31/10/2022 14:33

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:11

I fear this may be the case.

Show quote history

It is the case. He’s insecure, he’s pathetic, he liked you having no life apart from him and he’s so threatened by you changing your life for the better that he’s issuing appalling threats to get you back in your box.

Utterly disgusting.

WrongLife · 31/10/2022 14:33

I would leave. And if it's police civilian staff, I was for several years and miraculously managed to avoid slipping and landing on any stray penises, it's not that fucking hard!

RampantIvy · 31/10/2022 14:34

Writing all this down makes it sound really bad.

That's because it is bad. He sounds possessive and controlling. Do you have any friends left or is he trying to isolate you from them as well?

dontputitthere · 31/10/2022 14:34

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:30

There was a potential opportunity for me to go abroad for a week, it was job related and would have just been people from the company I used to work for. He wanted to come too. It ended up not happening so we didn't have to cross that bridge, but yes, I don't think he likes me doing things without him.

Even if I meet a friend for lunch he'll ask if he's invited. He won't INSIST on coming but he'll sulk about it for a while.

I went to a book club a few weeks ago and he accused me of meeting men there.

Writing all this down makes it sound really bad. He isn't always like this. He is thoughtful and looked after me amazingly when I had a serious health issue (that's all sorted now and I'm absolutely fine).

No.

He isn't kind and thoughtful.

He is controlling and abusive.

He's only kind when you toe the line.

When you don't, he skulls, accuses you of affairs and threatens to leave you.

Abusers aren't abusive 24/7. Because no one would put up with that shit.

He is abusive.

jannier · 31/10/2022 14:34

Lots more cases of coercive control since people were locked down and working from home....it's a form of abuse. Have a read about it and see if other things fit. Are you allowed out to meet friends, have your own money etc?
If nothing else fits have you talked about how unhappy you are in your cage?
I'd absolutely say I'm doing it if you can't face me in the wide world you know where the door is because I'm an adult and have a right to be happy and fulfilled.

BankseyVest · 31/10/2022 14:34

You dh is willing to leave YOU after 10 years over a job. It's his ultimatum, not yours.

Windmille · 31/10/2022 14:35

Writing all this down makes it sound really bad. He isn't always like this. He is thoughtful and looked after me amazingly when I had a serious health issue

It is really bad.

He was happy looking after you because you depended on him to do it. Suited his power game and controlling you very well, that’s why he liked it is my guess.

runninglikewater · 31/10/2022 14:35

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:30

There was a potential opportunity for me to go abroad for a week, it was job related and would have just been people from the company I used to work for. He wanted to come too. It ended up not happening so we didn't have to cross that bridge, but yes, I don't think he likes me doing things without him.

Even if I meet a friend for lunch he'll ask if he's invited. He won't INSIST on coming but he'll sulk about it for a while.

I went to a book club a few weeks ago and he accused me of meeting men there.

Writing all this down makes it sound really bad. He isn't always like this. He is thoughtful and looked after me amazingly when I had a serious health issue (that's all sorted now and I'm absolutely fine).

I suspect your husband liked it when you were unwell and more dependent on him.

Believe when I say he is controlling and that's abusive.

Even if you don't decide to end the relationship over this, it sounds like it's over if you take the job or not. That's unless you are willing to accept him not letting you have any agency or independence.

He's not a good guy, he's not kind and caring.

I'm sorry because that's really hard to come to terms with.

MayMoveMayNot · 31/10/2022 14:35

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

Not immediately but it would probably put me in the thought path to doing it.

I'd call his bluff as I won't be dictated too, discussed with of course, if he was really unhappy with a job that sounded ideal (ie away for weeks on end) then yes I would see his point and I wouldn't like either although...... 🤔😁

I would ask why he was so adamant I didn't, if he couldn't verbalise why or have just cause then I'd take it anyway. If the answer was just 'Because I said so.'

🤣 Fuck off.

AnneElliott · 31/10/2022 14:35

Your update sounds horrendous op - he sulks if you go out for lunch! No way can you put up with that.

Go for the job and if he does walk out then you're not losing anything hung other than a dead weight. But really consider if you can continue in a relationship where you are being controlled.

Mischance · 31/10/2022 14:35

Oh dear - he has a real problem doesn't he? But it does not have to be your problem.

Apply for the new role and just bash on with it. Let him do what he will do.

If he goes, he goes. If he stays he will have got the message that you are not prepared to continue being controlled by him, and will either adapt his behaviour or not. If he doesn't then you must go,

This is no way to live.

purplecorkheart · 31/10/2022 14:35

Sorry I agree with other. I think this would be a deal breaker for me. He is either controlling or does not trust you. Either way this is not ok. This is a issue that most likely will not go away or get better. I am sorry you are going through it

Roselilly36 · 31/10/2022 14:36

If it’s a job you would like to do you should be supported and encouraged by DH, not have threats of divorce made. DH sounds, jealous, controlling & manipulative. That is his problem OP, don’t stop your dreams & ambition because of DH, you will feel deep resentment later if you do. Take the job. Good luck going forward OP.

StarShapedWindow · 31/10/2022 14:36

He does sound very controlling and insecure. I think I’d take the job, I doubt very much that he’ll leave you given your description of him, I expect it’s just a way to get you to do what he wants. Ultimately, if you’re very much in love I think you should try therapy and if that doesn’t work consider if you want to stay with someone so controlling because I can’t see it being something that gets better without intervention.

SomePosters · 31/10/2022 14:37

Call his bluff

you’re asking if people would really end a ten year marriage over this and forgetting he is the one that put divorce on the table in order to control your choices

so yes, I really would.

Or he will use this same weapon you next time you don’t fall in line

emptythelitterbox · 31/10/2022 14:37

Yes, he's controlling and jealous.

He probably nice to you as long as things go his way.

Take the training. Do what you like.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/10/2022 14:38

Even if I meet a friend for lunch he'll ask if he's invited. He won't INSIST on coming but he'll sulk about it for a while.

I used to know someone like this. Me and my friends would try to get her alone to ask if she was OK. We were very worried he'd end up doing worse to her. We don't see her any more.

Please make different choices than she made.

CaptainMum · 31/10/2022 14:38

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:30

There was a potential opportunity for me to go abroad for a week, it was job related and would have just been people from the company I used to work for. He wanted to come too. It ended up not happening so we didn't have to cross that bridge, but yes, I don't think he likes me doing things without him.

Even if I meet a friend for lunch he'll ask if he's invited. He won't INSIST on coming but he'll sulk about it for a while.

I went to a book club a few weeks ago and he accused me of meeting men there.

Writing all this down makes it sound really bad. He isn't always like this. He is thoughtful and looked after me amazingly when I had a serious health issue (that's all sorted now and I'm absolutely fine).

It is bad. Really bad. Book group, seriously, you should be able to attend a book group without getting accused of an affair. That is not normal and will eat away at your self-esteem and perception of what's okay. If you've been treated this way for a while, it's understandable why you're gaslighted into not having a clear perception of normal reality. His ultimatum is wrong and unfair. A kind, supportive, thoughtful partner would be thrilled for you. Support you in interview and pop the bubbly to share your success.

diddl · 31/10/2022 14:38

Writing all this down makes it sound really bad. He isn't always like this

That's because it is bad!

He's not always like it because otherwise you would have been long gone.

He does as much as he can get away with.

MintJulia · 31/10/2022 14:38

Yes. My ex told me I had to give up my career and stay at home. I left - after which he wanted to get back together.

Don't let him control you. It isn't healthy.

Piggieinthemiddle · 31/10/2022 14:39

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

You are not ending anything. He is ending the marriage by giving you this ultimatum.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/10/2022 14:39

I wouldn't dump DH. I'd take the job and leave the ball in his court.