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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH said he'd leave if I take this job

456 replies

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:07

I've been (very unhappily) working from home for a few years.

I don't see anyone, don't have any colleagues, and need a change.

I've applied for a new role, however, DH has said that if I go through with the training he will divorce me. It's a common job, plenty of people do it, but he thinks the industry is just notorious for affairs and sleeping with each other.

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
Topgub · 31/10/2022 14:40

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

I would end things with a controlling partner who made my life difficult because he wasn't getting his way, yes.

WallaceinAnderland · 31/10/2022 14:40

He's only thoughtful when you're doing exactly what he wants. Go against him and you he's going to make it hell for you.

RedWingBoots · 31/10/2022 14:41

OP you do realise your last post is really sounding alarm bells?

If you get the job you must leave him.

My DP and I were discussing how to arrange possible nights out and trips abroad without each other this weekend due to childcare and work commitments.

rwalker · 31/10/2022 14:41

If it’s the police he has a point
they are notorious for shagging shifts destroy family life
and due to what they do it more often than not changes them as a person

Pixiedust1234 · 31/10/2022 14:41

OP - regarding him looking after you and being kind.

After 40yrs I've found out my DH is abusive. Womens aid, GPs, counsellors all tell me so. Right now my health is through the floor and i am bedbound mostly and my DH is practically skipping around the house grinning like the Cheshire Cat. I have NEVER seen him like this, not even on our wedding day or birth of our children. Its freaking me out a little tbh.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/10/2022 14:41

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

When I had a job where I was away one week a month, staying hotels, meeting new men every time who I would never see gain (hundreds of miles away) he was supportive and nice. He knew I wouldn't cheat, I knew I wouldn't cheat. The fact that your DH thinks the only thing stopping you is lack of opportunity is telling.

TartanGirl1 · 31/10/2022 14:41

I would as others have said take the job and quit the husband.

Your husband sounds controlling and an ultimate like that is unforgivable imo.

buttons123456 · 31/10/2022 14:41

My friends husband did this , so fucking weird !!

This can't be isolated , he must be very controlling and insecure in other ways !!

He is throwing his toys out the pram , how unattractive !

Mumtobe2305 · 31/10/2022 14:42

He has trust issues and seems controlling

He accused you of meeting another man at a book club? I’ll be honest if DH started accusing me of meeting new men behind his back I wouldn’t stay

I am going to be honest I think you should take the new job and have a fresh start. I’m not a fan of the “LTB” comments but this man is just going to stop you from having your own life. Myself and DH do a lot together but both have a night or so a week where we see our friends, I know if he went away on holiday to another country I wouldn’t ever worry about him cheating and I know he feels the same if I went away.

FlissyPaps · 31/10/2022 14:42

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

Yes. A thousand times yes. Even after 20, 30, 40+ years.

I couldn’t stay married to a jealous, insecure and controlling man.

Sorry you’re going through this OP💐

Alertthecorgis · 31/10/2022 14:42

It does sound really bad. He doesn’t want you to have a life outside of him. Whether it’s because he’s extremely insecure, that’s something he needs to work on. He sounds hugely controlling.

lannistunut · 31/10/2022 14:42

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

Yes, I would leave. He is controlling you. He is saying you will sleep with people at a book group. This is completely abnormal and abusive.

Yes I would absolutely leave someone who treated me like this.

Cavviesarethebest · 31/10/2022 14:42

I would have raised it as a Major issue if he got arsey I sent out with a friend for lunch.

if he said he didn’t want me to do a job for those reasons I would be out the door without looking back

LeMoo · 31/10/2022 14:43

Being caring and controlled aren't mutually exclusive. Otherwise, no one would ever stay with a controlling partner.

I know, though, that it does make it harder to end it. It's really hard to say, "no, enough is enough" when you love the person who controls your life and behaviour so much. And he does control your behaviour.

I also know that I am much happier being without the controlling partner who I loved so much, than I was with them.

The job is one thing and your relationship the other. Take the job, then deal with your relationship.

LadyDanburysHat · 31/10/2022 14:43

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:30

There was a potential opportunity for me to go abroad for a week, it was job related and would have just been people from the company I used to work for. He wanted to come too. It ended up not happening so we didn't have to cross that bridge, but yes, I don't think he likes me doing things without him.

Even if I meet a friend for lunch he'll ask if he's invited. He won't INSIST on coming but he'll sulk about it for a while.

I went to a book club a few weeks ago and he accused me of meeting men there.

Writing all this down makes it sound really bad. He isn't always like this. He is thoughtful and looked after me amazingly when I had a serious health issue (that's all sorted now and I'm absolutely fine).

He is abusive. It doesn't seem that bad to you because you often don't have reason to push his boundaries for you. Not being happy at you meeting a friend for lunch, going to a book group and going on a work trip is really bad.

No matter how caring he might have been when you've been ill, it does not make up for being controlling of you.

ICanHideButICantRun · 31/10/2022 14:45

He is thoughtful and looked after me amazingly when I had a serious health issue

He was as happy as Larry in that situation - you were house/hospital bound, he knew exactly where you were - it was just how he likes it.

Do you have children together? I would definitely leave him and go for the job if you could manage childcare without his input. Things would be more difficult if he had to be relied on for childcare as I can imagine him pulling back on that to make life very difficult for you.

1FootInTheRave · 31/10/2022 14:45

He's an insecure, annoying, sad little worm.

How on earth can you shag him.

Mooloolabababy · 31/10/2022 14:46

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:30

There was a potential opportunity for me to go abroad for a week, it was job related and would have just been people from the company I used to work for. He wanted to come too. It ended up not happening so we didn't have to cross that bridge, but yes, I don't think he likes me doing things without him.

Even if I meet a friend for lunch he'll ask if he's invited. He won't INSIST on coming but he'll sulk about it for a while.

I went to a book club a few weeks ago and he accused me of meeting men there.

Writing all this down makes it sound really bad. He isn't always like this. He is thoughtful and looked after me amazingly when I had a serious health issue (that's all sorted now and I'm absolutely fine).

It really is that bad op. Take the job, leave the controlling husband

Pineapple41 · 31/10/2022 14:46

He isn't always like this. He is thoughtful and looked after me amazingly when I had a serious health issue (that's all sorted now and I'm absolutely fine).

OP this doesn’t surprise me at all - he probably enjoyed being in a position of power when you were in a position of weakness. He’s far less amazingly supportive when you’re not relying on him for care. This is classic coercive control and IME will only get worse. Take the job and let him leave.

Also, just because he’s thoughtful sometimes, doesn’t mean he isn’t abusive. If he’d hit you on a few occasions, would you justify it by saying “it’s OK because most of the time he doesn’t hit me”? Abuse is abuse, no matter how “nice” they are the rest of the time.

TheOrigRights · 31/10/2022 14:46

its a form of abuse. You stay in the house with no outside contact entirely at his mercy. Of course he doesn't want you doing another job because...you know, you talk to others about their life and you think hang on...

OP has not actually said this. In response to someone suggesting her DH likes her home she says 'yes, I fear this might be the case', but please let's not jump to a conclusion that he has kept her from seeing anyone. OP needs to explain why she doesn't see anyone.

From what she has said, we know that her husband doesn't trust her not to have an affair. With the trust gone, it's pretty hard to carry on a relationship.

Butchyrestingface · 31/10/2022 14:46

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:30

There was a potential opportunity for me to go abroad for a week, it was job related and would have just been people from the company I used to work for. He wanted to come too. It ended up not happening so we didn't have to cross that bridge, but yes, I don't think he likes me doing things without him.

Even if I meet a friend for lunch he'll ask if he's invited. He won't INSIST on coming but he'll sulk about it for a while.

I went to a book club a few weeks ago and he accused me of meeting men there.

Writing all this down makes it sound really bad. He isn't always like this. He is thoughtful and looked after me amazingly when I had a serious health issue (that's all sorted now and I'm absolutely fine).

It sounds really bad because it IS really bad.

Okay, he's not beating you black and blue but there's more than one way to skin a cat.

I hope you leave (and take the job).

billy1966 · 31/10/2022 14:46

PeachPies · 31/10/2022 14:32

Jesus Christ, this man is a controlling jealous mess

Raise your bar, go for this job and ditch the twat

Show quote history

Bloody hell, you are in a highly controlling relationship.

Help him pack his bags asap.

Reach out to family and friends.

Tell them the truth.

FlamencoDance · 31/10/2022 14:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster’s request.

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 31/10/2022 14:47

I would take the job. If he can't trust you to go to a book club or have lunch with friends then no matter what you do it will be met with suspicion.

He is controlling and I would put money on him either being unfaithful or flirting with the idea of being unfaithful. It's often the case that a partner is accused (I appreciate he hasn't done that specifically) of infidelity as a cover up for their own behaviour. I hope this isn't true but he doesn't sound very nice.

ZooTropia · 31/10/2022 14:48

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:07

I've been (very unhappily) working from home for a few years.

I don't see anyone, don't have any colleagues, and need a change.

I've applied for a new role, however, DH has said that if I go through with the training he will divorce me. It's a common job, plenty of people do it, but he thinks the industry is just notorious for affairs and sleeping with each other.

What would you do in this situation?

Tinkly laugh and do it anyway 😊