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Original poster

DH said he'd leave if I take this job

456 replies

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:07

I've been (very unhappily) working from home for a few years.

I don't see anyone, don't have any colleagues, and need a change.

I've applied for a new role, however, DH has said that if I go through with the training he will divorce me. It's a common job, plenty of people do it, but he thinks the industry is just notorious for affairs and sleeping with each other.

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
Ageneralsenseofproundconcern · 31/10/2022 14:20

This isn’t normal. Just in case you thought it was.

When I had similar issues working from home my DH fully supported me, taking on more of the chores, uprooting his own work routine, so that I could do the right thing for me - move into an exciting and challenging new role that involves quite a lot of travel. He didn’t suggest that I couldn’t keep my knickers on. He didn’t give me a my way or the Highway act. He got on with pivoting to make our family life work for all of us - not just him.

That’s what your should be able to expect from someone who loves you and wants the best for you.

DoodlePug · 31/10/2022 14:20

Not immediately, but that is seriously controlling behaviour and very worrying.

And you're unhappy.

Couples counselling could be worth a go.

dontputitthere · 31/10/2022 14:20

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

Yes. Because you have the rest of your life ahead of you. Do you really want to be controlled and issued ultimatums for the rest of your life?

As pp has said. He's enjoyed you being at home where he can keep an eye on you. Do you get to go out much without him? How controlling is he in other ways? What you wear? Who you see?

But whatever happens no I can't imagine staying with someone who would threaten to leave if I took a job.

Also note he's already threatened to leave you by the way. That's how secure your marriage is. He's the one suggesting to end it.

WifeMotherWorker · 31/10/2022 14:20

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

Hi OP, yes I think I would genuinely consider ending my relationship yes. It is 2022, you have complete freedom of choice over your life, you are not beholden to your DH. Talk to him about mutual respect and trust, him threatening you with a divorce for pursuing a job is pretty low. Do what makes you happy, life is too short for a job that makes you feel isolated and unfulfilled. Unfortunately he has put you in a horrible position.

Pixiedust1234 · 31/10/2022 14:21

Its a form of abuse. You stay in the house with no outside contact entirely at his mercy. Of course he doesn't want you doing another job because...you know, you talk to others about their life and you think hang on...

Take the job. He won't go through with the divorce because he doesn't want to leave, he wants to control you. Be aware if you do go for it he might threaten suicide. Its in the abusers playbook, the majority threaten it. Ignore his threats to harm himself except to say you will call his GP for an appointment for him.

wackamole · 31/10/2022 14:22

Ignore him for now. You've already applied, so let the application process for the job play out. You may not get an offer, or the offer you get may not meet your needs. But if you are offered the job and want to take it, do.

Either way, reconsider the husband. He's either an idiot or thinks you are an idiot and is using that belief to manipulate you. A partner threatening to end the relationship and disrupt your life if you don't fall in line with his whims is worse than no partner at all. What ultimatum will this prince come up with next? It's no way to live.

blacksax · 31/10/2022 14:22

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

If after 10 years of loyal, faithful marriage, my husband made it clear that he didn't trust me and assumed I would drop my knickers for the first man I met, then yes, I think that marriage would be over. It would also be over if I suspected that he was controlling my every move and that he didn't want me to be anywhere other than at home.

Take the job. And when you are financially independent, you will have a choice of whether to stay in the marriage or not.

Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 31/10/2022 14:24

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

But it’s him giving you the ultimatum not the other way round.
He is ending it, because he wants you kept at home.

WallaceinAnderland · 31/10/2022 14:24

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

Yes. He is either controlling or doesn't trust you not to cheat. Neither are normal in a good relationship.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/10/2022 14:24

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

Would you end it after 10 years because he took a job where he'd be less miserable but might actually see women with vuvlas?

PoppyFleur · 31/10/2022 14:25

If my DH said this to me I would be immediately booking a doctors appointment and worrying about a brain tumour.

This response from him surely can’t have just come out of the blue? Is he a jealous person? How does he react when you go out with friends?

Seems such an extreme reaction. Have you told him how unhappy you are? Does he care?

declutteringmymind · 31/10/2022 14:25

Tell him he'll get used to it.

Have you ever given him reasons to mistrust you? If not it's his problem not yours.

MRSE20 · 31/10/2022 14:26

I say quit the husband and start the new job!

In all serious though, I’d be very concerned if DH said this to me. Doesn’t he trust you? What kind of job does he think would suddenly turn you into a cheat?

I think I would just assume DH didn’t trust me if he reacted like that

mumonthehill · 31/10/2022 14:26

If his only objection is you might have an affair then yes he is totally out of order. If he has issues around childcare, holiday cover, unsocial hours, working away then these things you would need to talk through. In any job you could have an affair, but if you are lonely and unhappy then he should be supportive of you finding a job that makes you happy.

PeachPies · 31/10/2022 14:26

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

10 years isn’t that long in the grand scheme of things

id leave DH for a lot less and we’ve had our 11 year anniversary last week.

girlmom21 · 31/10/2022 14:27

Have you been offered the job? Better to be getting divorced whilst working a job you like than one you hate.

DinaofCloud9 · 31/10/2022 14:28

If it seems too scary to leave him then just take the job and see what he does. I think he'll back down. If he doesn't and he walks out then you'll know you didn't have a good relationship anyway.

He should want you to be happy and fulfilled.

Luckingfovely · 31/10/2022 14:28

Two ways of looking at this:

1 - yes, I'd end it immediately if someone who was supposed to love me threatened me like that, after 10, 20, or 30 years.

2 - this is not any kind of marriage. It's coercive, controlling abuse. He has destroyed the marriage, not you.

Get out now and rediscover what life is actually supposed to be about.

And lastly - if you're really stuck on the ten year thing - read up on the Sunken Cost Fallacy in regard to relationships. I think it will open your eyes.

gwenneh · 31/10/2022 14:29

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

If the situation were exactly as yours, where his only objection is a common perception of affairs & sleeping around, of course I would leave.

I wouldn't stay with someone who didn't trust me to not have an affair.

MRSE20 · 31/10/2022 14:29

Also, yes I would leave DH over it. I think if you don’t take the job because of DH’s jealousy and lack of trust you will always regret it and always wonder if he actually trusts you

I find it odd that a man who truly trusts you or isn’t controlling would suddenly come out with this, is this the first time he has done this? What is he usually like when you go out? Do you have your own life too?

Nanny0gg · 31/10/2022 14:29

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

I'd end it after 20 years if they tried that without very good reasons and a frank discussion.

Windmille · 31/10/2022 14:30

What does your husband work with? How do you know he is being faithful? If he doesn’t trust you, why should you trust him..

Original poster
MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:30

There was a potential opportunity for me to go abroad for a week, it was job related and would have just been people from the company I used to work for. He wanted to come too. It ended up not happening so we didn't have to cross that bridge, but yes, I don't think he likes me doing things without him.

Even if I meet a friend for lunch he'll ask if he's invited. He won't INSIST on coming but he'll sulk about it for a while.

I went to a book club a few weeks ago and he accused me of meeting men there.

Writing all this down makes it sound really bad. He isn't always like this. He is thoughtful and looked after me amazingly when I had a serious health issue (that's all sorted now and I'm absolutely fine).

OP posts:
SparkyBlue · 31/10/2022 14:30

10 years isn't that long really. You have your whole life ahead of you. What will the next ultimatum be? I'd understand if he had issues regarding your safety or how it would affect family life or if it was going to be difficult to manage if you have young children. He is basically saying he doesn't trust you at all.

CaptainMyCaptain · 31/10/2022 14:31

PunishmentSnart · 31/10/2022 14:08

Start the training, finish the Husband

This.

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