DH said he'd leave if I take this job

[MatchaGreen]

I've been (very unhappily) working from home for a few years.

I don't see anyone, don't have any colleagues, and need a change.

I've applied for a new role, however, DH has said that if I go through with the training he will divorce me. It's a common job, plenty of people do it, but he thinks the industry is just notorious for affairs and sleeping with each other.

What would you do in this situation?

So many of your posts have made my insides curl up 🤢

It’s definitely easier for people on the outside to see, I think. When you’re deep into things it can be hard to see.

I’d suggest to try to reset your reasoning from applying weight to the last 10 years, to prioritising the NEXT 10 years. 10 years of not pursuing an interesting career (you can be an Estate Agent it you want to 😜), of tiptoeing round not making him “sad”, of being smothered by him. Grim.!

I think taking this job may actually be the only way to save your marriage.

If you think his reaction to the job is the main issue - and not his historic behaviour…

You clearly do not feel comfortable with the situation / his behaviour - you even started a thread about it to get other peoples perspectives….

It doesn’t all have to be confrontational. If you sit down with him, explain your position and why it is important to you, and hence your marriage. Even reassure him of your commitment to him etc etc…

His fear of something happening is overriding everything else. He does need to live through it and see it’s all ok. The alternative is he will lose you anyway through his increasingly ridiculous behaviour.

Clearly you do need to be able to live your life, make your own decisions and not be manipulated in to living a life he would like you to have.

Thanks everyone. I have looked up coercive control, however, I don't think it's what's happening here. He doesn't threaten me; I have my own money; he doesn't spy on me, or deprive me of basic things

OP, you can't see the wood for the trees, can you ?

He doesn't threaten me - So what would you call it when he said 'If you take that job I'll leave you'' ??

He doesn't spy on me - And what do you call 7 phone calls in one evening when you're not at home, even when he knows exactly where you are ??

or deprive me of basic things - Do you mean like privacy, respect and autonomy ?? Yes he does deprive you of these things ! You're not even 'allowed' to attend work/training etc without him present ffs !!

Whether he does these things because of a 'need' to 'control' you, or due to severe 'anxiety' , 'jealousy' or even 'loneliness' doesn't bloody matter !

It matters that you are suffering ! And he's an adult, who has responsibility to fix his own 'issues', it's NOT your job to 'pacify' him !

But your already doing the hard thing love by staying with him.
You can now tell yourself that to change things is easy and chose to do the easy thing.
As someone else says, sit him down and tell him how you feel as a result of how he treats you. His reaction to that will tell you what you need to know as he will either
A. Realise what a controlling, possessive and unreasonable man he is being by always putting his feelings and wants above yours and then work with you to change his ways.
B. shut you down with coercive behaviour/talk and as per usual put himself first in order to keep you where he knows you are and what your doing 24/7.

Exactly this and it's only going to get worse.

It means NEVER doing this job, and him knowing you didn’t do it because of his limp reasoning.
I can see you have posted more since OP and there is quite a lot you can’t do! Or that you can but he is checking. I don’t think I could live like that.