Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH said he'd leave if I take this job

456 replies

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:07

I've been (very unhappily) working from home for a few years.

I don't see anyone, don't have any colleagues, and need a change.

I've applied for a new role, however, DH has said that if I go through with the training he will divorce me. It's a common job, plenty of people do it, but he thinks the industry is just notorious for affairs and sleeping with each other.

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
CrunchyCarrot · 31/10/2022 15:06

Maybe I've brought it on myself and should have been going out more.

No, OP, please don't say this! It shows how long you have been under his thumb that you think perhaps this is your fault. It isn't! He is controlling and manipulative. I know, I had an abusive husband long ago. He didn't like me doing things on my own and gradually stopped me seeing all but one friend (whom he fancied, I think!).

Things will only get worse. Do you really want to be dictated to about where you can work, who you can see, etc for the rest of your days?

LadyWithLapdog · 31/10/2022 15:07

He sounds controlling. Does he monitor your work online? It’d be easy enough to start an online affair.

MrsMoastyToasty · 31/10/2022 15:07

You are an adult
You have your own mind
You have your own rights

A marriage is supposed to be a partnership
HE ISN'T THE BOSS OF YOU! GET OUT!

Lsquiggles · 31/10/2022 15:08

For whatever reason, he doesn't trust you. How sad that you can't attend a book club without being accused of cheating, please know that this isn't normal.

10 years together is a long time and it may feel drastic to consider leaving, however, he clearly doesn't mind leaving the relationship after 10 years if he doesn't get his way i.e. he doesn't get to control you.

Theluggage15 · 31/10/2022 15:10

Your relationship is very unhealthy, he’s only happy when you’re trapped at home and he doesn’t like you going out without him. Please take the job and tell him to like it or lump it. If he doesn’t change his attitude get rid of him and start enjoying life. Please.

MingoDringo · 31/10/2022 15:10

Join the force get a divorce.

I think he's got a point. I wouldn't support DH joining.

KettrickenSmiled · 31/10/2022 15:10

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

Yes of course I would.

Mark you - I'd have finished it when he started being arsey about me going out for a walk on my own.

You say he doesn't force you to WFH ... but he IS threatening to leave you if you take this external job. It is coercive control OP. Especially the sulking about you seeing your friends without him now & then.

He's not going to magically change.
Tell him that HE has to start WFH, because you can't trust him. Tell him you''ll leave him if he doesn't change jobs. See what he says. You might be shocked at his total inability to see his own double standards.

girlmom21 · 31/10/2022 15:10

MingoDringo · 31/10/2022 15:10

Join the force get a divorce.

I think he's got a point. I wouldn't support DH joining.

If your husbands going to cheat he'll do it regardless of where he works

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 31/10/2022 15:11

God, he sounds horrible. Like a prison warden rather than a loving, supportive life partner.

You really need to do the Freedom Programme and talk with someone at Women's Aid. This is no way to live. The time you've already sunk into being with him shouldn't be a factor in what you want for your future. Imagine not having to live with suspicion, insults to your character, eggshell-walking and all of the other abuses?

MamaOfOneMasterOfNone · 31/10/2022 15:11

Cas112 · 31/10/2022 14:17

If it's the police then yes it's very notorious for that. I would hate my partner joining but obviously I don't control him so if that's what he needed to do then so be it

Seeing stuff like this isn’t very nice for spouses of those in the police 😩

FlamencoDance · 31/10/2022 15:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster’s request.

lightand · 31/10/2022 15:14

Are you likely to have an affair op?
I presume not?

XmasElf10 · 31/10/2022 15:14

It sounds like you are limiting the amount of controlling behaviour he is displaying by not doing things that might cause him to question you. It is totally normal to want to work outside the home, to join a club or a gym class of an evening, to meet friends for drinks, to travel for work without your partner. I think this job is merely throwing a spotlight on a pre-existing issue. He is controlling and jealous. Personally I would take the job and if he is grumpy I'd tell him he needs to address his issue via counselling or leave. However I also would be doing my weekly yoga class, meeting my girl friends for the occasional dinner, travelling for work, doing yoga retreat weekends now and then without my partner etc.. so his controlling nature would have become a huge issue well before this!

Wherediditallgo · 31/10/2022 15:15

This isn’t normal behaviour for a husband.
He doesn’t get to decide what you do for a living based on the fact you might run off with someone. That’s utter nonsense!
Your update about him phoning you so many times when he was away is not normal either.

WrongLife · 31/10/2022 15:15

girlmom21 · 31/10/2022 15:10

If your husbands going to cheat he'll do it regardless of where he works

Show quote history

I would say the shift work and intense nature of the work makes the opportunities more numerous, but if you are inclined to cheat, then it's going to happen anyway

girlmom21 · 31/10/2022 15:16

@WrongLife yeah I think it's the same with any job where there are long hours and stressful or emotional issues to deal with. You see it a lot with teachers too.

BatshitBanshee · 31/10/2022 15:16

I also assumed police.

If I was given an ultimatum, I would be out of the relationship like a shot. 10 years or 10 days, this is how he exerts control. Take the job and leave the husband.

XmasElf10 · 31/10/2022 15:17

My sister is a cop and has never cheated on her husband! It's not an obligatory part of the training program you know!!

WhoooohMatron · 31/10/2022 15:17

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

No but I'd be looking at marriage counselling as a first step. He's obviously insecure and likely calling your bluff but it's something that he needs to work on.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/10/2022 15:18

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

You bet your life I would. Op, I don't think you really appreciate how abusive and controlling your husband is. None of this is healthy or normal. You've been become so used to his control you don't really see it. He's absolutely horrible and then best thing that could ever happen to you is to leave him.

that1970shouse · 31/10/2022 15:18

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

You wouldn't be ending it. He would be ending it. You wouldn't be at fault in any way, all the blame would be on him. All you would be doing is getting a better job. If he chooses to end your marriage over that, it's his choice, not yours, and you'll be better off without him.

What's the alternative? Live the rest of your life isolated and miserable and having to do (or not do) whatever he demands of you, because you've given in on this and therefore all he has to do is threaten you with divorce again in future and you'll obey his every wish?

Kennykenkencat · 31/10/2022 15:19

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:10

I know it's easy to say LTB, but we've been together for a long time. I don't know if he'd actually go through with it, but I know he'd make it difficult for me and make it very clear he wasn't happy.

But he doesn’t trust you.

It doesn’t matter how long you have been together the trust has gone and if he doesn’t trust you then there is no relationship even if you don’t even apply for the job.

This relationship is over what ever you do.

Yes you could stay and be miserable and resentful for the rest of your life, jumping through what ever hoops he sets for you trying to prove you are trustworthy. There will be many more things over the years that you want to do and he doesn’t. If you concede on this he knows he can get you to give up on everything you want

YeahmetooJill · 31/10/2022 15:20

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

Your husband is telling you that he would rather you be miserable.

jackstini · 31/10/2022 15:21

I think you need to sit down and have a serious conversation with him

Tell him you are really unhappy working from home
That you want to move on in your career, see your friends and have a normal life - not live like a hermit

He's your husband - not a chaperone!

If he can't let you have a life, you need him out of it. Harsh & difficult I know, but true

PollyAmour · 31/10/2022 15:22

Take the job and dump the husband. He's an insecure prick and you deserve better.

Not all coppers are sleazy cheats either.

I've worked in healthcare for years and seen an awful lot of affairs - not me personally, but the long hours and the very nature of the work can make people feel closer to each other than they would in ordinary circumstances.