DH said he'd leave if I take this job

[MatchaGreen]

I've been (very unhappily) working from home for a few years.

I don't see anyone, don't have any colleagues, and need a change.

I've applied for a new role, however, DH has said that if I go through with the training he will divorce me. It's a common job, plenty of people do it, but he thinks the industry is just notorious for affairs and sleeping with each other.

What would you do in this situation?

i understand what you mean about ‘not fitting the definition’ of coercive control. Usually, the definitions on thr web are the legal one - so what it would take to prosecute.

however, many forms of coercive control are less obvious, and more subtle. Mine was, and yours clearly is too.

the thing about those more subtle forms of CC is that they are more difficult to put your finger on, and harder to explain. So for example, your husband saying he feels ‘sad’ about you wanting the job. That could be explained as him just expressing his emotions. However, it is also him placing emotional pressure on you, making you feel guilty - and ultimately, causing you to doubt whether you want the job (and if you turn it down, remaining under his control….)

this form of CC also makes you doubt your own reactions. It’s a bit like being in a cult - a form of mind control, which is where yo7 seem to be.

The thing is, it tends to escalate. mine eventually got so bad that I nearly had a psychological collapse. women’s aid helped me see, and eventually to leave.

i’d suggest taking the job as a starting point. Outside conversation and an interest will help you get some objectivity and independence. When you feel up to it, contact Women’s Aid. They will hel0 you make a way forward.

This post just made me think of an old friend whose husband would turn up uninvited on our nights out and say “right, well I’m ready to go home now”… and she’d scurry off with him.

Around that time I remember her asking a few of us over to watch a movie at her house. It was early December. Their Christmas tree was up. She said she didn’t want to “turn the tree lights on, as the heat would cause the pine needles to fall off”… then during the movie, she told us none of us could speak. It was so weird and unenjoyable 🤔

Anyway, fast forward 7 years and she’s left her awful husband. She’s significantly less well off, but seems incredibly happy. I never thought she’d see the issue!!

He doesn't trust you not to have an affair. I'd be ending it and getting advice from women's aid on how to do this safely.

Tell him
If you don't do this it will make you sad, you have been sad for years and it's time for a change

Unless he has a magical solution to make you both happy?!

You must be so disappointed he doesn't want what us best for you and is not celebrating your success

Stay strong and do what you want. He either gets used to it and turns things round or he wallows in misery completely of his own making

Knows how to work you doesn't he?

Well, he's an insecure pain in the ass, isn't he. Take the job. I doubt he'll leave you, but you'll probably (and should) end up ditching when he huffs and puffs and whines every time you go to work. The other behaviour you mentioned would have worn you down eventually anyway, so this will only speed up the same outcome. But you'll have a better job and social life and apparently have no problem picking up men!

He is sad? Oh what a shame, better that you have been unhappy for YEARS WFH than he should be 'made' to feel sad... Poor lamb... How unreasonable you are not to jump straight back into your cage, on command; throw all these notions of your happiness right back out the window immediately!

He doesn't give a toss for your feelings OP. And it fits the coercively controlling scenario that he was great when you were ill and looked after you so well. As did Kathy Bates in 'Misery' until she took a hammer to her captive's legs to stop him escaping when he strayed from doing exactly what she wanted him to do. (Great film and your account of your husband when you were ill reminded me of her chilling performance as her character.)

He's 'nice' for now but make no mistake this man is a controlling arse.

You have not described a man who regards you as an equal life partner so don't fall for the sunken costs fallacy. It doesn't matter if its been 10 years or any other number, he just simply isn't good enough for you, and he probably knows it too, so is behaving appallingly albeit dressed up in his sheep's clothing. He threatened to DIVORCE you when you want to do something perfectly innocent that makes you happy ???? Please listen to everyone's response to that OP. Please start to try to fall out of love with him.

But be careful, when you challenge this do not make him feel threatened as he may change his tactics to control you when you stop going along with this diktats. Also, don't fall for any 'suicide' bollocks if he comes out with that. You are his possession, in the grand scheme of things, suicide is an empty threat. With the balance of the relationship as it is, he won't regard you as important enough for Infinitely Superior him to do such a thing. And remember that counselling does not work for abusive relationships. So sorry OP, it will be hard to get your head round, but this is the unanimous opinion of complete strangers.

Has he had/is he a fan of having an affair himself? No way would it cross my mind to assume my partner would be on the lookout for someone else, and if it did, then that would define the end. No trust, no marriage. Good luck x

I'm not sure what's wrong with me. - nothing is wrong with you. Instead of sitting down and discussing your hoped-for plans with your partner, you are being issued with an ultimatum based on a lack of trust. You need to discuss that with him; and if you cannot then there is a fundamental problem with your relationship.

@MatchaGreen You really ought to take on board what everyone is saying here - all the main points I'd make have been covered. He is insecure and controlling. Red flags - prepping, conspiracy mindset, anti-mainstream media - the list is scary - he needs psychiatric help. Why isn't he helping you to fulfil your dreams and live your best life by supporting and encouraging you - for me that's what being in a couple is all about. He's 6 years older than you - is he self conscious about his age? Is he self conscious about being out of shape? No one can tell you what to do - but use your common sense, stand back and look at the situation - you have one life - if you're not happy about it - change something, do something.

Until you mentioned the red flags I mentioned above I was fleetingly tempted to just relate the story of a friend of mind - a not uncommon story - about the impact the social isolation had on him WFH during lockdown - he had a bit of a meltdown - not being sure about what he wanted out of life, his work, his relationship etc - fortunately his partner decided to give him some space - (OK she was fortunate because...) - she had friends that she moved out to stay with for a few days - don't think it was even a week - during which he went home to spend time with his parents for a few a days and explain what was going on (they were supportive obviously), he agreed to get some counselling and to see his GP - it's taken many months but they are in a much better situation (they are family members - we talk and have talked about this so I know the situation is much improved - it was just a strange and completely unexpected one-off meltdown - they've been together for 6-7 years). However - given the other things you've said - even if he has also been similarly adversely affected by the events of the last 2 years - I think you should really give some thought to being in this relationship - you are trapped in it and can only see it from your perspective; look what other people are saying here.

I would divorce a man who gave me any ultimatum. I would divorce a man who accused me of cheating. I would divorce a man who attempted to control my career with threats.

I do not share space with bullies.

Take the job. Up to him what he does.

OP things won’t get any better. If anything he will become more entrenched into this way of thinking.
Think about where you want to be 10 years hence.
Do you want to be stuck wfh and unhappy, bored, isolated with years of the same ahead?
Start to make plans for change.
Maybe get counselling so help you feel strong enough to carry your plans through to fruition.
Good luck

How are you feeling today OP? Have you discussed anything further with him? X

Thanks for checking in. I've been reading all the replies.

He hasn't mentioned it and I don't want to have another argument about it. He went to bed early tonight and I was cooking pasta for myself. He kept shouting on me from the bedroom to tell me he loves me/ ask me if I need any help cooking/ asking me to sit with him.

I think I'm starting to realise what I need to do. It's just not easy.

It's not easy but you can get help. Have you got a friend or family member who can support you?

You need to leave this relationship. Hes controlling you and slowly isolating you. Whether it was 10 years or 50..it isnt healthy.

Love, he IS THREATENING to leave you if you don’t stay home/isolated

he IS SPYING on you - he’s checking up on you when he goes out/you do.

what will happen when you say you’re taking the job. That will show you how bad it really is

Eek. Just to echo what others are already saying. These are HUGE red flags. It isn't easy - but the answer seems pretty clear here.

This is horrific OP, cloying and suffocating, how do you cope?

I get that these kinds of relationships don't develop over night, they creep up on you bit by bit, like boiling a frog. But my god!

Do you need help cooking? Does he think you are incapable of boiling water?

Sit with him while he's in bed? Is he dying or 5 years old?

I know it's not easy but you will be so much happier on your own than in this relationship.

Of course it’s not easy but you can do hard things.

good luck x

I had this. Ignored me in the living room 90% of the time, unless he was harassing me, moaning about something or wanting sex. But if I went into another room I'd have max 20min before he'd come looking for me, all chatty and "nice". Disturbing me, poking me, tickling me etc. Until I'd turned off the TV, hung up the phone, closed the book or stopped whatever else I was doing and returned to the living room when he'd go back to ignoring me again. He just didn't want anyone else having my attention, ever. Didn't want me to have a second away from him to think.

Textbook coercive control, albeit an insidious version. If you can put up with decades of this, that's your choice, but it's definitely abnormal.

‘Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?’

i would take the job and if that meant the relationship ends then so be it.
This is about control, his ‘love’ is controlling who you see, what you do, where you work.
That IS NOT normal.
His reaction and attitude is holding you back from seeing people because you’re avoiding upsetting him or causing a fuss.

‘A controlling relationship is one where one partner dominates the other in an unhealthy, self-serving manner. If your partner constantly makes you feel intimidated, insecure, or guilty, you could be in a controlling relationship. And control in a relationship is a form of abuse.’

I’d say your showing strong signs of insecurity ( why are you even questioning if you should take this job?) and guilt. The fact that you entertained the idea of him coming on that work trip shows he has you in a position where you couldn’t just say ‘Actually, it wouldn’t be appropriate. I’ll be busy, I. I need to socialise with colleagues/ clients. Let’s book a holiday for us another time though’

the classic ‘it’s because I love you so much’ seems very much in play here

It isn't easy. But it is so worth it.

Good luck, OP.