to think indifference is fine

[hippityhip]

Toward stepchildren?

Would you say providing someone is kind that's all that is needed?

Was having this conversation with a friend and we disagreed on what's 'okay' and what isn't.

I have stepchildren and to be totally honest I feel completely indifferent toward them. I've been in their lives since they were around 5 and 7 and they are now in their teens.

I have never loved them but nor do I dislike them. I don't miss them when they aren't here, I rarely think about them tbh. They are just part of life with DH. I've never discouraged their relationship or made things difficult. I'm always kind when they are around but that's just the extent of my feeling toward them. I want them to have a good life and be happy but at the same time I'd not be bothered at all if I never saw them again for example if me and DH separated.

My friend thinks anyone who feels this way should leave a relationship but she's very much 'love them like you're own'. She doesn't have step children but her children are stepchildren so she's seeing it from that side of things.

Imo providing you're not horrible, why does it matter? My stepchildren seem happy and we get on well when we are together so why does it matter?

'Projecting' or knowing what it's like from the child's perspective? There's a lot of defensive stepparents on this thread who know full well they have put their own wants ahead of any consideration of what impact that has on a powerless child, and are now trying to retrospectively justify that.

I don’t think you can help your feelings, but I do think it’s important that your stepchildren feel like you care about them (which it sounds like they probably do).

No child should have to share their home with an adult they know doesn’t care about them.

I don’t have stepchildren, but I do have a lovely stepmum. She was always loving, caring and interested in our lives, and that made a huge difference to how I felt about having two homes. I don’t think I’d have spent any where near as much time with my dad if I hadn’t felt 100% part of the family, and that was down to her.

Now she’s a brilliant grandma to my lo and we still have a great relationship. I hope she thinks putting in the effort when we were children was worth it.

Ugh, yeah, traumatised children and their bullshit. Snoooooore, am I right?

My mum re-married when I was 14. ‘Indifference’ sums up very well the relationship between me and her husband. ‘Tom’ is a decent guy. She’s happy with him. He and I are not close, and never have been, but we are polite & civil to one another. Maybe my mum would have preferred it if we had been closer, and over time he had become ‘Dad’, rather than ‘Tom’, but that was never going to happen. You can’t force these things.

Just out of interest, what about children who are indifferent to their step parents? Is that OK?
Relationships are generally two-way things things develop between two people. If a step-child is indifferent should a step parent force a deep relationship? That feel very over-bearing to me and I can't see an indifferent teen step child welcoming this approach.

'Projecting' or knowing what it's like from the child's perspective

To be fair @MaybeIWillFuckOffThen you know what it was like from your perspective. Saying must be like that for all children is precisely what projection is.

The stepparents choose to get themselves involved with the children, the children don't choose the stepparents. They can feel however they wish towards the random adult living in their home.

I don't think anyone is suggesting forcing a deep relationship, and of course step-children can feel however they like: you can't make someone feel something. They don't have any say in the arrangements, unlike their parent and step-parent.

I don't think indifference is enough from a step-parent: a child should not be forced to share their home with someone who feels nothing about them. Affection and a sense that that person is on your side and cares about you are the absolute minimum. If a step-parent can't provide that, it would be better to change the arrangement until children have left home.

I mean, it's arguable that if the child is indifferent towards/actively dislikes you maybe don't join their family?

Sorry but it's a simple fact that all children of separated parents have to do without one of their parents at all times. That's what 'separated' means. That is HARD.

I know. I am a child of separated parents.

I did not want my dad's girlfriend to be a mother figure to me or love me because I already had a mum and was of am age where someone trying to act like one would just have pissed me off ....

But step mums are advised not to meet children until it's been a year to 18 months into a relationship so it's a bit late by then as they'll already have invested a lot in a relationship.

So the step parent should force affection on an indifferent child who sees them as random adult. That doesn't sound fun for everyone.

I feel like step families come in all shapes and sizes with different relationships depending on all sorts of factors like, age of children, personalities, behaviour of parents and attitudes of the children as well as attitude of the step parents.
There isn't one way that everyone has to feel or act.

I am very fond of my step children and they are of me but this has grown over time without pressure. I don't think I would have the great relationship I have with them now if I had to had people insinuating that I was a monster for not instantly loving two children who were strangers to me.

No-one's saying they need to act like a mum. Well I'm not. They need to act like a responsible adult who is in the child's family. My aunt lived in our house for a few years, acting as a sort of nanny for us kids. She didn't 'act like my mum', but she was caring for us and was not 'indifferent'. There are a lot of ways to care for children that aren't 'acting like a mum', and aren't 'indifference and the bare minimum'. I'd say if someone isn't willing to embrace those complexities they're not suited to joining a complicated family with young children in it.

Also the kids in the OP's situation were 5 and 7. Hardly surly teenagers. I would be surprised if at that age they were so wicked or uninterested that there was no chance whatsoever of building a loving bond of some sort over the years.

Boo hoo. Unless the partner had hidden the fact that they had children, then that's the risk you take. I mean there are plenty of men without children out there.

They don't have to force anything. Just offer, and attempt to empathise with the struggling child rather than resent their resentment and upset.

I think being a stepparent is a bloody hard job. Being a good one is even harder. Which is why I don't understand why so many people get into it and are then surprised and upset that it's, you know, hard. And that actually their needs and wants should come second to those of the dependent children who NEVER GOT ANY CHOICE in how their family fell apart and was reformed.

I mean why? Why not just form a family with someone who doesn't have kids, unless you are willing to have a proper familial relationship with those kids? Are there not enough men out there without kids?

I can't imagine sharing my home with a child (even if they weren't there a lot of the time) and not developing an emotional attachment to them. I care about my friends' kids, and my nephews, and if I spend enough time with a child I come to care about them. I think it would be terribly sad for a child to realise that one of the adults they lived with was indifferent to them. Even as an adult I'd hate that!

@hippityhip
I am exactly the same.Had two stepdaughter since age 7 & 14, lived with them from age 11 & 18 ( well the elder was rarely there) and we are not close.
However they are not close to their father either.
I am very fond of the elder daughter's son and we have him every other weekend as his mum has 'issues'.
However I don't feel the responsibility for him like I would have towards my two now adult children who see us both regularly and are very caring to us both.
I have attended many,many social service meetings however, when they were involved due to his mum's issues,whereas his other maternal grandmother didn't attend and sent her husband!
Thinking back,I have never really been interested in 'other' children,whoever they are,except when they were involved in my own childrens' lives so perhaps the reason is there.

What does that say to me?

To me

Not saying it’s fact

Did the op ever clarify how often her SC actually are with her and her DH?

and whether her DH is close with his children (the OP’s step children)

But indifference is not resentment any more than it is love.

she fell in love with a man who has children, but choosing to be with him doesn’t mean she has to love his children any more than she is required to love any of his other family members. If she was resentful to the children and treating them with hostility solely because they exist that would be one thing, but she’s not. She welcomes them when they’re there and treats them with kindness, she just doesn’t have any particular feelings towards them one way or another.

I don’t struggle to comprehend the Op. it’s why I will never blend families because I generally feel utterly indifferent to any child other than my own (I love my nieces but it is a drop in the ocean compared with my own).

what I simply can not understand is how the biological parent in this scenario could possibly marry someone and have sharing his childrens lives with someone who is indifferent to them or at least never asks about how they feel about them! Utterly baffling

Do you not think that how you treat step children is more important than how you feel about them?

After all there are parents who love ygeor

Arrghh posted too soon.

There are parents who love their children fiercely yet act in ways that are emotionally and physically abusive towards them.

Love isn't some kind of cure all that makes everything OK.

Absolutely. Treatment is critical.

but this relationship isn’t babysitting or a visiting aunt. This is your husbands children. Siblings to your children. Children that who share holidays, Christmas, birthdays with. Children that you share a home with.

So if they were my children, I would want to know how the person I was marrying felt about my children