to think indifference is fine

[hippityhip]

Toward stepchildren?

Would you say providing someone is kind that's all that is needed?

Was having this conversation with a friend and we disagreed on what's 'okay' and what isn't.

I have stepchildren and to be totally honest I feel completely indifferent toward them. I've been in their lives since they were around 5 and 7 and they are now in their teens.

I have never loved them but nor do I dislike them. I don't miss them when they aren't here, I rarely think about them tbh. They are just part of life with DH. I've never discouraged their relationship or made things difficult. I'm always kind when they are around but that's just the extent of my feeling toward them. I want them to have a good life and be happy but at the same time I'd not be bothered at all if I never saw them again for example if me and DH separated.

My friend thinks anyone who feels this way should leave a relationship but she's very much 'love them like you're own'. She doesn't have step children but her children are stepchildren so she's seeing it from that side of things.

Imo providing you're not horrible, why does it matter? My stepchildren seem happy and we get on well when we are together so why does it matter?

YANBU

From what you describe, your behaviour doesn’t sound indifferent. Whatever your feelings are you’re not ignoring the children or treating them as less important than your own DC. That’s what matters.

What’s different for men?

I only speak of my ex but he doesn’t give a toss about any relative child. He really doesn’t. And I doubt that would change for a SC!

whereas our children - he’s utterly devoted, loves them, a brilliant non RP.

Like a pp said, you sound quite resentful of them. Even if you aren't, you sound resentful of them. This won't affect you but it will affect them. Some of your 'indifference' they will have felt.

As a child that had a stepfather that was most definitely indifferent towards me, I have struggled with rejection issues ever since. Knowing how that feels as a child, I could inflict that on my own children.

Not everyone should be a step-parent, certainly none that are 'indifferent' towards the young children of someone they supposedly love. No child should have to live with someone who feels this way. Poor children. How sad.

I think if you've been their lives since they were that age and the most you can feel towards them is still 'indifference' then it sounds like, at best, quite a burden. I wouldn't even want to look after a pet I was indifferent to for ten years, let alone little humans.

In entire marriage, never not once have the two of you had any kind of discussion regarding how you feel about your step children. His children.

That. Speaks volumes to me

How would you feel op

knowing your children’s “other home” where they spent a great deal of time, with their father and siblings, was also shared with someone who was utterly indifferent to them. Who met their physical needs when required to, but ultimately felt nothing for them more than if they were an acquaintance.

It would really disturb me.

and if you are very comfortable with how you feel, why not enlighten your husband? Better yet, show him this thread.

In entire marriage, never not once have the two of you had any kind of discussion regarding how you feel about your step children. His children.
That. Speaks volumes to me

I don't think I have ever sat my partner down and outlined my feelings for my step children and as it happens I am very fond of them. He doesn't talk to me about how he feels about them although I can tell he loves them unconditionally. Does that speak volumes to you @Razzle5 ?

I would love to know what it says about me.

My point is that the DH has never asked, how do you feel about my children. Not in early days, not before got married, not when over for birthdays, Christmas, not only holiday when you’re chewing the day about life over a glass of wine. Never.

What does that say to me?

Disinterest with how your wife feels about your children. Just satisfied that they don’t mistreat them and seem reasonably friendly with them.

She thinks her children's stepmother is way too over involved always wanting to muscle in on parenting (but she still wants her to love her DC like her own...), involving herself in parents evenings and such, messaging my friend with parenting plans for bad behaviour, posting all over social media about "her" boys and so on.

This is definitely over involved, so I see where your friend is coming from. This would annoy me. I'd definitely prefer a SM just being kind and welcoming.

Parents evenings, behaviour plans and the social media is way too much. The kids have 2 parents, they really don't need another one.

My point is that the DH has never asked, how do you feel about my children. Not in early days, not before got married, not when over for birthdays, Christmas, not only holiday when you’re chewing the day about life over a glass of wine. Never.

Dp has never asked me either. I would have said its because he has no need to because he can see that we all get on and we have a good time together and doesn't feel the need to analyze it.

I guess you would know best though so it must be this ....

Disinterest with how your wife feels about your children. Just satisfied that they don’t mistreat them and seem reasonably friendly with them.

I have children from a previous marriage. If my DP was “indifferent” towards them I’d have left him long ago. Children deserve to have adults in their life who are in their corner, who love and care for them, particularly in the role of step parent. These aren’t children you’ve recently met, they’re children whose lives you’ve been in for a significant period of time. I don’t know how anyone could remain indifferent after such a long time. I feel quite sad for them.

I think you’re just being honest about the way many step parents feel. We care about the SDCs wellbeing and happiness and do things for them with kindness, but we don’t feel emotionally attached to them. In fact it’s very difficult at times. Understandably they can resent you and your own DCs who live with their dad full time, but as a result want the red carpet treatment at all times and it can be very challenging. To be honest it’s a relief when they go home and everyone can relax and do their own thing if they want without someone kicking off!

I'm with you, OP. My father remarried when I was young. Nice lady. Was kind to me when I visited, cooked sometimes, went with us to fun activities occasionally etc. She never tried to "mother" or "third parent" me. Mum was my mother. Dad was my father. Jane was dad's wife. Everyone stayed in their lane. I was happy with that. I didn't need her to love me.

This post brings up so much for me, as the stepchild of a woman who refuses to acknowledge my existence as her husband's daughter. My father has allowed himself to be brainwashed by her and her toxic beliefs and I've spent the last 20+ years in turmoil, only to realise through therapy that it's not my fault and that I'm worth more than this. As others have said, your indifference will be felt by your stepchildren and may well cause issues in their adult lives. I'd be inclined to explore what that indifference is about for you. Are you shutting yourself off emotionally from them as a defence? I don't believe you can be so heartless as to not give a sh## about them. Suspect there's something else at play here.

Well put.

I think a lot of posters aren’t actually reading OP’s posts where she’s explained what she means by indifference and it isn’t harsh or mean or anything.

YANBU, OP. I say this as someone who has two step parents.

I am so sorry you had that experience.

But OP doesn’t sound like she’s acting in any way like your step parent.

I can't imagine feeling like this about children I spent so much time with, but I am really fascinated by most kids. I even miss some of the kids my DCs were in nursery with and would love to see them again. So it's probably just your personal disposition.

Gosh there’s a lot of projecting on this thread

Your attitude towards the DC is fine.

As long as you're not rude or abusive or destroying their relationship with their parent you're doing great.

I love DC and DC love me, when I'm walking locally they'll say "Hi x Mam " or "Hi First name" even with nieces and nephews I'm the fun aunt.

I care about them but I don't miss them or worry about them daily unless something serious happens.

As a stepchild I find this depressing. Although obviously far less depressing than the many threads on MN by stepparents who actively resent and dislike their stepkids, so yes OP you're doing fine, ticking all the right boxes on the form, well done you. Here have your validation biscuit.

But being the child of separated parents is very hard on children. Sorry but it just is. It adds a whole layer of complication to a part of life that should be simple and straightforward - "this is my family, we all love each other and live together, this is my home".

It becomes significantly more complicated when the parents take new partners, who are then living in one or both of the 'homes' they now have to inhabit. So as well as now always being without one of your parents, you are now always with an adult who has no reason to be well-disposed towards you besides pleasing your parent. Everything in your life that should feel stable and immutable is now contingent, temporary, unstable.

Add some new half-siblings and it becomes INCREDIBLY difficult emotionally - suddenly you get to see your siblings living the life you can't. They get to live with your dad/mum all the time and their other parent too, while you are always split between homes where you are only half there, and half loved.

It is inherently a suboptimal situation. Although of course better than living with two parents who cordially loathe each other, it is HARD.

I would NEVER invite myself into such a child's already complicated life, into their home, unless I had adequate empathy for their situation and felt I could actively improve their life, not just accept their occasional presence and some minimal responsibility for their practical needs as the price I pay for shagging their father. It is so, so horribly selfish. And it's rubbish of their father not to care more about how you feel about his kids, given he has imposed you on them. If he's happy that you 'tick the boxes' while they're there, but do not give a fuck about them beyond that, I personally think he's a terrible father.

My DP has a daughter who is 20. There's no hate there, I am always polite and nice when I see her...But would I keep in contact if we were to split up? No. You shouldn't feel forced to love someone. But you should absolutely respect that they are his kids and treat them with kindness while you're together

Incidentally I will be meeting my own step-mum for lunch next week. She's making a 4 hour round trip to spend a few hours with me. I see her more than I do my dad. It was not always easy for any of us as our families 'blended', in fact it was often bloody awful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

But she is a decent person with a good heart, she was living with two young children who weren't hers as well as her own daughter by a previous marriage and eventually my half-brother, and she found room in her heart to love and care for all of us - not the same amount or the same kind of love, people are not robots or angels, but she saw us all as children in her care and so she came to love us. That love lives on now and I'm 38. I couldn't be without her. 'Indifference' would have been very harmful to me and my life would be infinitely worse if that was all she could have summoned up.